Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is responsible for the Harry Potter world, I'm just borrowing some of her characters.
Chapter 5: Shattered
Ginny didn't know how long she had stayed in the shower, crying her heart out, and in truth, she didn't really care. She had only gone out when she thought she had shed her last tear, padding dripping wet and naked on the tiled floor. But as soon as she had put on her bathrobe, she broke down again, curling into a fetal position and weeping for all her broken dreams and illusions.
This was how Colin found her, and the sight terrified him so much that all he could do for a few precious minutes was look at her and listen to the heart wrenching sobs that wracked her body. Never before had he seen her this miserable and he wondered what could have happened between last night and this morning to bring her to this sorry state.
Finally, unable to stand there and do nothing for much longer, he rushed to the side of his friend, taking her into his arms and rocking her soothingly, all the while murmuring nonsensical things in her ear to help her calm down. She had stiffened at first when he had touched her, but when she heard his familiar voice, she burrowed into his arms and took refuge in the comfort of his embrace.
When the storm looked to have abated for the moment, Colin ventured to ask what had brought about her grief.
"Gin, can you tell me what's going on? Did something happen? Is it your family?"
Ginny kept her cheeks pressed against Colin's chest, the beating of his heart soothing her troubled spirit. Sitting on his lap like this, his arms around her, gave her such a safe feeling, as though nothing could ever hurt her. It wasn't true outside of it, of course, but she'd take what she could get. She didn't answer him for a long time, afraid that if she started to speak of what happened, she'd end up a weeping mess again.
Colin didn't press her for a response. He knew Ginny would tell him when she was good and ready and not a minute before. He was glad she had calmed down some, though; he was embarrassed to admit it, but he would take a furious Ginny any day over a miserable one. She wasn't aware of it, but he considered their relationship a form of symbiosis; she might think he was the giver in their relationship, but her friendship was what gave him the strength to be the person he was now. Without her support and unquestioning acceptance of what he was, he doubted if he would be where he was today. And so, he was at a loss; he wanted so much to help her deal with what it was that was eating away at her, but he could do nothing until she confided in him.
But when Ginny finally started relating what happened after he had left her at the Snake Pit, an overwhelming sense of guilt hit him the likes of which left him reeling in self-directed anger. He was horrified at his culpability and the noose of guilt was slowly closing in around his neck. It was no use going into the `if only' routines, but his helplessness was so complete that he was paralyzed by it.
As he listened to her speak of how that scum had treated her, he wanted to search him out and cut him into little pieces. Never mind that Malfoy would probably do worse damage to him than he could ever hope to visit on him; that piece of filth had the audacity to lay his hands on his best friend and for that he has to suffer immeasurable pain! But when he broke her heart, that merited him the death penalty.
Colin's hold on Ginny tightened unconsciously, but she didn't complain. Here in Colin's arms, she could pretend for a while that everything was all right; here in his arms there would be no judgment, no recriminations. But what she could not stop from torturing her was the shame she felt every time she remembered Draco's sneering face; and worst of all, after everything that was said and done, she was honest enough to admit that nothing had changed, she still loved him.
"Why can't he get past my name Colin?" she asked quietly. "Am I really that hard to love? What's wrong with me that the man I love looks at me and sees not a person, but a name." She swiped an arm across her eyes, uncaring if the action were akin to a child. "I don't understand why who our families are should dictate what we should be, how we should act." She pulled away slightly, and looked up at her friend. "Why we should have to live with what is expected of us and not what we want. Why?"
Colin didn't know how to answer her, he didn't even know if there was an answer to what she was asking. Following convention was not what Ginny Weasley was all about, he knew that; if she was at all conventional she wouldn't have gone and fallen in love with a Malfoy. Had there been a Weasley family rule book, that would have been rule number 1, of that he was sure of.
"I don't know, Gin," he finally answered, sympathy in his eyes as he looked at her sad face. His own twisted in a slight grimace. "You don't need to hear what I have to say, you probably already know them, and you won't hear me say I told you so, I love you too much for that. What I do know is that we can't always choose who we fall in love with, no matter how we try; neither can we force another to return our feelings however hard we wish we could." He managed a slight smile at her as he wiped a solitary tear that slowly trekked down her cheek. "There's this muggle song that I used to listen to when I was alone, before I came out of `The Closet'," he said softly, almost wistfully. "It was actually one of my mother's favorites, and it basically says that if you love a person, truly love that person, then you won't want him to change. You didn't fall in love with him expecting him to be another person right? You loved him the way he was, not the way he ought to be just because it satisfies your fantasy of what the ideal man should be." He carefully pushed Ginny to sit in front of him, tilting her head up to meet his eyes. "Falling in love is not always easy Gin, it's full of hardships and pain and disillusionment. Little girls with fantasies of the perfect Prince Charming grow up and sometimes have to realize that their princes' armors are dented and made of brass; there's no perfect man, all of them come with their baggage and it's up to you to try and live with it. And I truly envy you for not taking the easy road and settling with what is comfortable," he said fiercely, squeezing her arms to emphasize his point. "You knew it wasn't going to be easy, and yet you took a chance and that's what life's ultimately all about: taking chances. Yes, you may get disappointed some of the time, but it's an opportunity for you to pick yourself up and learn from your mistakes. It's a vicious cycle, but it's also worth the effort."
Ginny's lip trembled. "But it hurts so much Colin," she said, brokenly. "Why does it have to hurt so much? I was so sure he felt the same way about me, I could see it in his eyes. What was he so afraid of?" She shook her head dejectedly. "I don't know if I could do this alone, and you know what's worse? I still love him! When I should be feeling anger for what he put me through, instead all I feel is how empty I am inside, how incomplete I am that he didn't feel the same way. What does that make me?" she asked angrily.
"A woman in love," Colin replied simply. "And you're not alone in this, I'll always be here for you. There's nothing you can do that will make me go away, do you hear me? Nothing," he said fiercely before sighing. He took her hands in his and absentmindedly started rubbing them. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but have you ever thought that maybe, Malfoy doesn't know what it is he feels for you?" he asked, his brow furrowed. "Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to bloody well try my best to hex his balls off when I see him, but he IS a Malfoy. They're not exactly the poster family for love and affection, you know."
Ginny snorted. "I heard him pretty well when he told me he lusted after me, Colin, but that I was an idiot for mistaking it for love. I don't think there was any other room for interpretation rather than the obvious, don't you think?"
Colin folded his legs under him and shook her hands for emphasis. "No, listen," Colin said urgently. "Don't you remember from before, when you used to use him for target practice? You said that ferret face probably only bothered you so much `coz he was sorely lacking in attention? Remember? We used to laugh thinking that Malfoy was the way he was because he was taught manners and right conduct by trolls and elves." Colin looked at her intently. "What if that were truly the case? What if he grew up not knowing what the basic human emotions were because there wasn't anybody there to show it to him? I mean you said it yourself," he said excitedly, "you thought you saw something in his eyes, but then he refused to admit to the possibility that you were right. Maybe he wasn't really afraid, just confused."
Ginny groaned and got off the bed, tightening the belt around her robe. "We're not in Hogwarts anymore, Colin. It was quite fun playing the `What ifs' game then, but this is real life now." She crossed her arms and leaned on the post of the bed. "And much as the thought was funny then, I think that's all it was. Somehow, the idea of the Malfoy heir left in the care of non-wizards doesn't quite ring true anymore."
"I don't know," Colin said thoughtfully, "but there's something about him that just leaves me with more questions than answers."
Ginny shook her head at the far away look in her friend's eyes. For a short while he had been able to take her mind off the pain and she was thankful for that. But she knew he was shooting for the moon, and she was too hurt now to consider that there night be something to his theory. She turned and picked up the mess she had left on the floor, placing it carefully on the bed.
"You can go on speculating, Colin," she said as she picked up the bag she had brought with her last night. "But I'm going to change now and try to get all this behind me. Dwelling on what might be to what really is, is just not high on my priority list right now." She closed the bathroom door behind her and proceeded to get dressed. When she got back inside, Colin was already off the bed and waiting for her by the side of the bathroom, a pensive look still on his face. He immediately straightened when she emerged, giving her a penetrating look.
She looked much better, but he knew from years of friendship that Ginny was a great actress; if she didn't want you to know something, she'd bite her tongue off first and give a performance worthy of a West End Broadway actress with a multimillion production riding on her back before opening her mouth. You had to know where to look in order for you to be able to guess accurately as to her state of mind.
"Are you going to be okay now?" he asked gently when he failed to see any sign of depression or some such rut on her face.
She shrugged. "I will be, eventually; it's not like I have a choice in the matter anyway. It's still too early to tell how long it'll take for me to get over what happened. Or if I'll be able to."
Colin nodded in understanding. "What do you intend to do now? Do you have a plan?"
"No," she said flatly. "At the moment, not thinking about anything seems like a very good idea, and since planning involves a lot of thinking, I'll refrain from the exercise for now. Maybe by not doing that, I'll stop beating myself over the head for being an idiot."
Colin shook his head. "Never an idiot, hon, just a case of temporary insanity. There's a difference," he said seriously, nodding his head emphatically when Ginny gave him a dirty glare and draped an arm across her shoulders, steering her out of the room. "At least you'll have Medi-Witch training to look forward to. That should keep you so occupied you'll wonder why you were complaining of a broken heart when you're in serious jeopardy of dying via extreme boredom," he stated, trying to keep a straight face when Ginny grimaced.
"Not helping, Colin," she said resignedly, shaking off his arms, irritated.
"Oh, c'mon. Think of Medi-Witch training this way: with your brains, you're in a perfect position to invent your very own curses, and don't bother coming up with the counter curses by the way. Then when it's ready, you just test it on your personal guinea pig. I can just imagine Malfoy's face when he has no recourse but to come to you for help and you tell him, `I love you, Draco, but no'. Brill, no?"
"Criminal, more like," Ginny retorted, smiling bemusedly. "I swear, Colin, every day you give me a new reason to question why I'm such good friends with you. You go from one extreme to the next that I just can't keep up with you. If I ever had a mind to take one of your brilliant suggestions before, I would have either been a permanent resident of Azkaban by now or the Ministry would have chucked me out of the Wizarding world long ago."
Colin grinned winningly. "But you have to admit, as far as ideas go, that was a great one right? If only the MLE's weren't such a stickler for the rules."
Ginny's eyes twinkled, the first sign Colin saw of the old Ginny resurfacing. "Why don't you ask Harry to turn a blind eye just this once? If you could convince him…" Ginny let the thought hang, knowing that Colin was going to be preoccupied with thoughts of the Boy-Who-Lived.
And Colin didn't disappoint when a wistful look appeared on his face. "Yeah. Harry," he said breathily, a small smile hovering on the side of his lips.
Ginny laughed, marveling at the lightness the simple act brought to her heart. "You're impossible! I can't believe you still haven't given up on Harry yet. After all this time?"
Colin tapped her nose affectionately as they entered Dana's living room. Hearing Ginny laugh was a good sign and even if laughing at his expense was what brought it on, he'd gladly play the comic for her to keep her in this mood.
"Not while I have breath in me, hon. There's always hope. You never know, Harry could suddenly give up heterosexuality and I want to be first in line when he does."
"You dolt!" she said, chuckling. "Harry and Mione are practically married already! And believe me Colin, Harry may not be homophobic but he is the last person on earth who will sign up for membership in your league."
Ginny's eyes were twinkling so mischievously that Collin was immediately suspicious. She had that I-know-something-you-don't look and he wanted to know what that was. Badly.
"What are you keeping from me, Ginevra Weasley? I don't trust you when you have THAT look."
Ginny's lips curled devilishly. "Let's just say I saw more than I should have that last night of 5th year. Have you never wondered, even once, why Hermione dated Blaise Zabini her 7th year, and why she got into that huge row with Harry about it?"
"Of course, me and the rest of Gryffindor house could do nothing but wonder for a long time afterwards. Harry did practically blow up the whole common room. But you knew the reason behind the whole drama apparently."
Ginny nodded. "That was when they got together, which was how it should have been from the beginning if Harry hadn't been so thick. He almost lost Hermione that night. Lucky for him he's such a sneaky bastard."
"Now you've really got me intrigued," Colin declared.
"You should be, it's quite a story. Maybe one day I'll tell you all of it, but right now I need to get home or Mum's gonna have my hide for breakfast."
"Tease," Colin grumbled as he took out his wand and prepared to disapparate.
"Moi? Never!" She grinned cheekily. "See you Colin." And with a pop, she was gone.
Colin stared at the spot where his friend used to be, a relieved smile on his face. "I'll have you back, Gin, I promise," he said softly to the empty room before he, too, disapparated.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"I can't believe it's been a month!" Ginny said wonderingly as she draped an arm lazily over the lounge, enjoying her one day off in two weeks. Healer training was a lot of work and didn't leave much time for dilly dallying with friends; in fact, it didn't leave much time for anything but work and more work. When this break in an otherwise monotonous schedule opened up for her, she had immediately corralled Colin into lazing the whole day away. With the weather being very agreeable, they had decided to take advantage of probably only one of the few days that remained before the cold set in by lounging in their patio with drinks in hand instead of in the confines of their four-walled flat.
Two weeks after Ginny started healer training, she had convinced her mother of the practicality of having her own place, and before Molly Weasley could change her mind, she and Colin had found and rented a flat. It was quite modest in size but it suited both their needs; they could have gotten a much bigger and better place, but it would have been quite difficult for either of them to explain how they could afford to keep such a place.
"I know what you mean," Colin agreed, taking a sip of his gin and tonic. "I can't believe how crazy this month's been. Meetings here, negotiating contracts there. I've been so busy I've hardly had the time to do much socializing."
"You're one to talk! I have Medi-Witch training and all the free time I have is few and far between. And then suddenly there you are, taking up those precious time away from me. You haven't given me a minute to myself in the past three weeks. You even time me whenever I have to go to the loo." She picked up her own drink, a cherry soda, and took a healthy sip from it. "I can't decide whether you're trying to get rid of me by working me to an early grave, or you've always been this way and I've only now just noticed it."
Colin stretched his arms over his head and cracked his knuckles together. "Definitely the latter; it wouldn't do me any good to kill you, you're much too useful to me alive."
"I'm touched by the depths of your love for me Colin, I truly am," she said sarcastically.
"Don't mention it, luv," he said, ignoring the sarcasm and smiling at her benignly. "But I have to say, you do look a bit worn out around the edges. Been sleeping much?"
Ginny sighed and leaned her head back against the lounge. "I know you know the answer to that, Colin."
"Is it still that bad?"
She shook her head. She truly appreciated Colin's support in the past weeks. She had been plagued with nightmares several nights after her harrowing experience and Colin had been true to his word: he never left her side during the more difficult episodes, his arms her only haven. Most nights she would wake up crying and he was there to whisper soothing words to her; sometimes he would just hold her in his arms til she fell asleep again. The dreams were no longer as frequent nor as vivid as that first week, but they still bothered her occasionally.
"Not so much now, no, only when I come across something about him in the papers. Then I turn into a human waterfall. Disgusting really, when you try to look at it." She eased her shoulders off a bit where it rested. "Which, personally, I really believe I'm starting to slowly get control of. The thing is, I just feel so tired all the time. I don't know if it's the training that's draining me or something else entirely unrelated. It can't be the lack of sleep though, I've had worse cases of insomnia before but I always managed to stay in top form. Now I'm struggling just to get through a day."
Colin looked at her worriedly. "Maybe it would be a good idea if you took some time off from healer training. It won't be hard for you to make up for any loss of time, and with the week's break you have til you're next session with me, that should give you enough time to rest up and recharge."
"I don't know if it's possible to take a break from healer training just because I'm tired, Colin," she said wryly, "stress and time management is supposed to be an integral part of the training process."
He looked at her incredulously. "You're deluding yourself if you think it's all a case of tiredness. You're not just tired, you're exhausted! What good would it do you to be burnt out before the grind could even truly begin. It doesn't make sense to me."
"I know, but we'll see," she said resignedly.
Colin wanted to argue his point some more but seeing how truly weary looking his friend was, he reigned in his tongue for the moment. She didn't need him harping on about the matter needlessly. Drawing in a calming breath, he tried for a less contentious topic.
"Will all your brood be attending the Ministry Gala tonight?" Colin could clearly see Ginny's whole body tense up at his question and his brow rose questioningly. "Please don't tell me you forgot about the party?"
"I - didn't?"
In truth, Ginny had forgotten. With all the turmoil her life had been plunged into in the past five weeks, a political party that will set the tone for the next Ministerial election just didn't seem all that important to her. Sure, her father had wanted them all to be there, but surely missing one party among the many that were soon to come won't mean all that much. When she said as much to Colin, she got another incredulous look.
"Are you kidding me? There's no way you could possibly really believe such tripe Gin," Colin declared hotly. "They want your father to be the next Minister of Magic, of course this party MATTERS. What would it look like if even one of his children is missing on the most important night of his life? Not good, I tell you, not good."
"I'm sure you're exaggerating, Colin," she said, trying to keep the anxiety from creeping into her voice. "And that's another thing; I have it on good authority that Dad doesn't want to run for public office. He never wanted to."
"What he wants no longer matter Gin, nor was it ever an issue," Colin persisted, "the people wants him and he'll have no choice but to take up the gauntlet. I know your father, he's not one to shirk what he perceives as his duty."
Ginny relented. "I guess you're right, I just really hate seeing him being forced to do something he's not yet ready nor willing to face. I know he'll do a good job if he becomes Minister, but we had hoped to wait just a few more years before he has to parent the entire wizarding world."
"Nevertheless, you have to be there." He looked at her gravely. "It's a good thing I took the liberty of picking up the dress you'll be wearing, or I'd be dragging you to that party with a sackcloth over your head."
"You're all heart Colin," Ginny said giggling, "whatever would I do without you."
"I shudder just thinking about it so I don't," he kidded.
"Seriously though," she said, sobering up right away. "I really hope something will happen that'll derail the political plans for Dad a bit longer. I want him to take time out for himself, not go into another form of battle so soon after the last real one."
As Colin nodded his assent and they lapsed into companionable silence, Ginny didn't know just how prophetic her words were.
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A/N: Thanks to my beta, btw, she's very accommodating and my no. 1 fan. She's also crazy about Lucius Malfoy, and there is absolutely no reason why I just said that. Anyway, thank you all for reviewing. It warms my heart to know that you love this story as much as I do. It's a pain in the arse writing, but I can't stop, so. Hope you enjoyed reading this, and if you're not too tired reading, kindly leave me my regular fix and review. Tata!!
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