A/N: Quick update here, hope you like, understand and forgive me for. I have the complete plan for the rest of this story but it just refuses to let me write it.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, not mine and whatever.
~*~*~*~
Moonlit Rendezvous
It would be a week and two nights before Harry would notice that something was amiss. With the twins' letter in hand he had carried on blissfully unaware that his elaborate plan had gone prematurely awry. As far as he was concerned that Saturday night Hermione would go to the Blackpool beach house, meet Hedwig and receive the letter that would lead her to Wiltshire. Once there, he would be awaiting her as Paul Nicolas, but not having taken his potion that day, he would transform into Harry Potter before her eyes. And if, after that she needed further proof of his identity, he had a Veritaserum-laced butterbeer chilling in his refrigerator.
Unnecessarily elaborate, yes, but the belief was that it would throw off anyone who followed her, and absolutely convince her that he was who he claimed to be. Snape had told him that she wanted to see him alone, and he was going to let her have that, and the truth.
But when Saturday night came and went, and his only visitor was the grey owl Hermione had given the twins, now with the direct address he had decided to give them after their letter, he realised something was wrong. But because he was Harry, he simply decided that something else must have come up to side-track her.
Luna had given birth earlier that week. Ron and Luna Weasley were now the proud parents of a baby girl, Matilda Astrid Weasley. With Ron away at school for the while-though he had come home the first three days after the event-Hermione and Caspar were at the Weasleys to help her. She had probably just decided to stay over that night too and put off meeting him until later in favour of her friend. She was always a kind, caring person, why wouldn't she do that?
There was also the possibility that her son was sick. The little boy could always be found playing in the front yard in the cold after school. Surely that would make him ill, unless he had inherited some of his father seemingly chill-resistant Bulgarian genes. Of course, Hermione was a Healer-in-training and had access to Pepper-Up Potion, so whatever illness would not have lasted too long.
But still, he gave her the benefit of the doubt. Hermione would come to find him soon; he didn't want to scare her into thinking that he was an impostor if he went to her.
Monday morning though, he gave that up. Splashed all over the "entertainment" section of the paper was some rather curious news: On Saturday, Hermione had been at Hogwarts to watch the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match (Gryffindor won 320-170) and then spent the rest of the day with the twins. Sunday she took the twins to visit her Muggle relatives and spent the entire day with them until the twins had to go back to Hogwarts late in the evening. It was apparent she was acting as if she had never heard the news that he was alive and he wanted to know why, and throwing caution to the wind he went after the only probable source.
Snape was rather easy to locate. He no longer lived in Spinner's End, but an equally squalid, abandoned set of flats just like it in a new area, the aptly-named Last Stretch. Forgoing all pretence as to his identity, Harry simply donned an old pair of robes-it wouldn't do to get mugged-and went. And when Snape met him at the door he was not pleased.
"Have you completely lost your mind? Many may consider those 'neo-Death Eaters' a joke but it wouldn't do to cross them. Quite a few meet regularly here, one sighting and they will do your friends' job for them," he snapped as he hurriedly ushered him in and closed the door.
Harry ignored it, choosing to demand instead, "What's going on with Hermione, why didn't she come to the house?"
Snape gave him a confused look, "She didn't come to see you? After that entire ridiculous argument, wasting hours of my time, and every one else's she didn't?"
"Don't act like you don't know anything about it! I waited, for two nights, and she didn't show up. I should have gone to her directly, as soon as I came back… before that even!" Harry ranted.
Snape sighed, "Not this again, you well know why you couldn't-"
"Yes, yes, the Death Eaters are after me… do you know the hell I've been through in the past two days? Of course for them it must have been worse when I didn't come back after the war," said Harry, cutting him off.
"By the time you were awake they were convinced you were dead and the fraudsters had already started to appear, I am not going through this with you again. I haven't seen Miss Granger since the night she left Malfoy Manor, I assure you, and if I had you would have been one of the first to know. But surely you understand that there is now yet another Weasley in the world, she must have rearranged her priorities accordingly… seeing that she and your former girlfriend aren't really talking anymore," Snape told him.
"I know that, I tried to believe that, but Luna has the Weasleys to help her! Hermione was at a Quidditch game and then she was taking the twins to see her relatives, not once was there the slightest indication that she had other plans! She just never went looking, as if she had completely forgotten, or was convinced that-" his rant came to an abrupt end as he slipped into his thoughts, his brow deeply furrowed as he went over something in his mind.
Snape sank himself into a rather uncomfortable-looking old armchair by his small fireplace in the dingy flat and then asked, "Tell me, is there anything that might have happened to prevent her from going? The night she left the house… Miss Granger is a very determined young woman, she has patience but sometimes… what if she did go that very night, and something happened to prevent her from going further than Blackpool… did you leave the owl as I told you to?"
Harry snapped out of his thoughts suddenly, then nodded impatiently a moment later, "Hedwig was there, she was supposed to keep watch, and then late in the night she brought me a letter from the twins. If Hermione had been there before she would have seen the… oh no…."
Snape showed no surprise as he said, "Thwarted by your own children, don't tell me your offspring have taken after you…."
"Oh no…. But they could not have known… if she went that night then she would not have met Hedwig, and especially if she went late. It was only Monday night that I gave the twins the Wiltshire address to write me directly…. I'm so stupid! Perfect, this nonsensical plan of yours…" said Harry, running his hand through his hair in frustration.
"Nonsensical…? Well then Mr Potter, why don't you write her a letter directly? See how far that goes…. You need to pace these things, you've been apart for twelve years," Snape told him.
"Yes, I know, but tell me, how do you? Have you ever done, ever been through something like this?" demanded Harry, angrily. "I don't think you have, this was all just a colossal waste of time!"
"Fine then! But know this; I at least tried my best to spare the both of you the public humiliation instead of veneration you would have received had this occurred eleven years ago instead of today. If I-" began Snape before he was cut off again.
"If you think that I would have been ashamed of my daughters, of Hermione, you would have been seriously mistaken… as a matter of fact, I think you are mistaken. Is this your excuse now that Malfoy's broken the real story? I never wanted fame or praise or any of the crap that came with it! I wanted to be normal instead of the Boy-Who-Lived, (Snape rolled his eyes) but even Ginny, the first girl I ever had a stable relationship with couldn't entirely see past that! Hermione… Hermione was different, she gave me that normalcy, she never saw the Boy-Who-Lived, she saw me… for goodness sake she was even afraid to tell me she was pregnant instead of parading for the entire world that she was. (Snape stifled a theatrical yawn) I would never be ashamed of something like that, and I'm not. Thanks to you I've ruined it now, and she might be so mad she might leave and take the girls with her, I'd probably be better off dead to her… but I'll always have that. I'll always have the memory of what she gave to me; (at this Snape turned up his nose and looked very much as if fighting the urge to gag) it was the only thing keeping me sane anyway…" Harry told him.
"A false memory," said Snape, coldly.
Harry turned to him incredulous, "What are you talking about? Are you saying I imagined this whole thing?"
Snape rose from the armchair and asked calmly, "No, of course not, but did Miss Granger show any interest in you of any kind before that night? According to her she didn't-I'd like to hope so-and that first time was truly that. So, did she?"
"What's this nonsense now?" asked Harry, refusing to answer.
"I would take that as 'no' then… now tell me Harry Potter, why would she, after months of being your friend's girlfriend, and even three months after his attack, with him still lying sick in St Mungo's, suddenly turn to you?" pressed Snape, taking a small step forward and folding his arms.
"I don't know why, I don't want to know why, that's past and done with. But I do know that what I had been feeling for her for months before Ron got hurt was real, if you are implying that I or someone gave her a love potion of some kind I suggest you stop it before I do," said Harry then, glaring at Snape.
"But what if what she felt wasn't? Maybe that's why her memories haven't entirely returned yet, that's the past she's repressing. She never loved you to begin with; she wasn't in love with you at all. She got a taste of a potion though and thought she did, and you were more than happy to play along. You were both still heavily employing the use of those twin troublemakers' joke shop weren't you?" asked Snape.
"Stop it! Every time I see you it's something new!" nearly shouted Harry.
"I've suspected it for some time, it may not have even been intentional, an accidental slip of one of their experiments and she can't get enough of you. Imagine if you had gone back twelve years ago and she realised that she didn't love you, that she never did… and now it was too late to do anything about it. Stuck in a love-less marriage with two young children…. I couldn't prove anything though, so I kept you away from them for as long as I could, with the best excuse available. But neither twin showed any signs of malice… don't you see, that subconscious memory she mentioned last week was the clincher, she didn't love you when you let your predatory ways get the best of you, she was bewitched," said Snape, suddenly grasping his shoulders and shaking him slightly as if trying to shake it into him.
Harry surprised himself by not shoving him off, instead asking feebly, "How long have you suspected that?"
"Since the day I first laid eyes on you two again in the forest, there was something different, wrong…" Snape told him.
It was then that Harry shook him off, one hand going to the rings round his neck and he turned his back to him. A moment of silence fell before he turned back and said, "I don't believe you, this is nonsense. If you think that I'm going to fall for some nonsense of yours again…."
"Frankly, it doesn't matter now whether or not you do. I did what I thought best under the circumstances, even to the point of actively suggesting you stay away from the children-"
"You did…?"
"-if the person responsible for Hermione's dosing was up to something, your children could have been used against you. Bellatrix Lestrange saw Hermione pregnant, told the Dark Lord and he did nothing? Since when would he not take advantage of such an opportunity, the further you were from them the less he could harm you," said Snape.
"I don't believe you," repeated Harry, still not looking at him.
Snape sighed, "Like I said, it matters little-"
"IT DOES NOT! What you're implying changes everything! Now who's being ridiculous in an argument?" asked Harry. "It means that she was really Ron's girlfriend, that she was really Krum's wife… and that you are a bastard."
Without warning then, he suddenly drew back a fist and punched Snape in the face. He was so startled by the surprise attack that he stumbled and fell back. But Harry merely looked at him a moment thoroughly disgusted, and then turned and quietly left the flat.
~*~*~*~
"Oh, she's beautiful! I mean, I saw her the day she was born, and the day after, and the day after that and every time I do she just seems more beautiful. Look at that red hair, hello Matilda… hello sweetheart. Come to Hermione a little bit won't you?" said Hermione, reaching into the bassinet to lift the baby out before she had even properly discarded her cloak at the door.
Luna, who had let her in, smiled and then asked, "Have you been to see Harry yet?"
Hermione tried to ignore her, making faces at the baby and kissing her soft, rosy cheeks. Luna came over and took the baby away, "Why didn't you?"
"I did," said Hermione, going back to the door to remove her cloak.
"And?" asked Luna, prompting her.
Hermione looked up at her, tears beginning to prick at her eyes as she fought the clenching at her throat, "He
wasn't there, the house was locked, it looked old, shabby, abandoned, he wasn't there… it must have been some
kind of letter drop point…."
Luna put the baby back into the bassinet and went to comfort her. Hermione allowed the younger woman to draw her into
an embrace and she cried, blubbering like a child, "I don't think he wants us to find him… he's gotten
used to being away and he doesn't want that ruined… I'm a millstone round his neck, first that night and
then-"
Luna suddenly released her, "Oh you remember what happened then?"
Hermione looked at her puzzled a moment, and then gasped as she realised what had just happened. For a moment there was a flicker of excitement in her eyes and then it died away, "No, I think it's just that I get a little bit every now and then, like that recurring dream of snow…. But what good are memories if he doesn't want us, doesn't want me?"
Luna said nothing for a while and then asked, "Have you invited that Mr Nicolas over for dinner yet, I saw the way he was looking at you. It was as if you had just walked right out of his dreams."
Hermione had often made no secret that she thought Luna was crazy, and she was continually given reason to believe it, but this just took the cake. Of course, she had also just had a child; her hormones were obviously still out of control. She did her best to conceal this thought though, as she replied, "No, with everything that's happened, it just slipped my mind… and I'm not exactly in any condition or even ready to start dating again."
"I think you should invite him over, you never know," said Luna, settling herself into a chair beside the baby's bassinet.
Hermione dropped into the seat beside her, "I hardly think that's a good idea. The twins' room isn't finished yet, Viktor's relatives would start uproar, the press-"
"It's just dinner, maybe you could eat in, I wasn't suggesting anything else," said Luna, smiling encouragingly at her.
Hermione blushed, slightly embarrassed, and then replied, "I can't do it, I can't just ignore the fact that the father of my children seems to be running away from me. I can't act-"
"You're already acting as if nothing has happened, what's the problem now? All you've thought of since you been here is Harry and your children, you need something new, a nice, neutral dinner wouldn't hurt, would it?" asked Luna.
Hermione could fast see that this was a losing battle, she shook her head.
Luna smiled, "Perfect. He was really nice when I spoke to him at Hallowe'en, I've already sent an owl and he should be at your front door this evening at seven. He also said he has a pair of twin daughters of his own, maybe your twins and his could be friends."
Hermione didn't hear her though; she was too busy registering the shock of her first sentence.
"You already sent him an invitation? What if I hadn't come to see you today and he just showed up at my house? What if I wasn't going to be home today?"
Luna shrugged, "Then he would try again the next night, you're bound to be home eventually."
"No one is that persistent for someone they don't know," Hermione told her quietly.
"He looked at you as if you had stepped out of his dreams," repeated Luna.
Hermione made a long, slow exhale, but just as she began to resign herself to the rest of her visit, Luna asked, "Just out of curiosity, exactly how long did you wait for Harry? You were home the next morning…."
"I waited for over five hours, I'm sure of it, for as long as I could take and he never showed up," Hermione replied, trying her best to act nonchalant.
Luna's reply though, destroyed that.
"Hmm," she said, stretching her legs out over Hermione's lap.
"Hmm?" asked Hermione. "His absence bothered, is still bothering me, and all you have to say to that is 'hmm'?"
Luna shrugged, "You could have waited longer, what if he was out doing something?"
"What could he be doing out on a Saturday night?" asked Hermione, immediately regretting it.
"Anything, he's a grown man who lives alone in a resort town, surely you didn't expect him to live the complete hermit while he was away?" asked Luna.
"If our marriage vows meant anything to him-since he apparently remembered them-if he was in as much danger as Snape said, I'd like to believe he did," said Hermione.
This time, Luna had nothing to say.
~*~*~*~
The owl had been in the study awaiting him when he came in at last from his afternoon's wanderings through much of London. It was amazing the damage that had been done in the years of his absence by those pretending to be him. He had actually comfortably travelled through Diagon Alley without one person approaching him, something he could not clearly remembering happening since he was eleven years old. But it also reminded him of how difficult it could be for Hermione to believe that Paul Nicolas was actually Harry Potter. They had all become rather used to impostors.
So he was greatly shocked when he stepped into the study to check on the day's deliveries, and found the invitation from Luna to dinner at Northbridge Manor.
That he had not been expecting at all.
So, Luna did know who he was. How, he would never know, and even if she didn't really, she had a pretty good idea of who he might be. Honestly, were there truly no other free compartments on that train?
For a full ten minutes he had stood at his desk with the letter in his hand, reading and re-reading the invitation, before finally, quickly, scrawling a reply and sending it off to her. He was stunned, but he was not that stunned.
However, no sooner than had the owl vanished to the air than did it hit him the implications of what he had agreed to. Yes it was an opportunity that he would be a fool to pass up, but it also meant that he had no idea what he was walking into. Despite the last weekend, he was not prepared for something like this, he had no idea what could happen.
What if he showed up at the house and Hermione wasn't alone? Should he still risk revealing himself when the original plan was that they be alone? Should he let her do all the talking and just go along with any decision she made whether he wanted to or not? Should he keep up the ruse with the hope that another opportunity like it would present itself in the near future?
Or, what if he showed up and she was alone? How would he go about telling her the truth? Should he start immediately and hope for the best? Should he wait a little, see how she felt about the possibility of seeing him again and then tell her? Should he have even agreed to go at all?
It was too late to change anything though. The owl was gone, Hedwig was not up for intercepting anyone, and he had to prepare for dinner. The only thing he was clear on, the fact that he would go to the house as Paul Nicolas.
She had to see the transformation in order to believe it.
For the rest of the day then, with nothing but spare time on his hands, Harry found himself under the constant assault of his thoughts. It was probably what a man about to be executed felt. As his life was about to end, every past deed presented itself to torture him to the very moment.
But his thoughts were not exactly on his misdeeds, rather, the misdeeds of another, one Severus Snape to be exact.
For the past eleven years he had lived in the belief that if he ever returned to his family they would die. That if they were ever together, truly together as they should have been, they would have been killed… and that was something he was not prepared to allow.
One of his first memories after waking up was the sight of the twins' faces just hours after they were born. Never had he thought it possible to love so much, it was insane the feeling, but he felt it. In that moment and without a second thought he swore that if he would die, he would die for them-cliché as it was-and their mother, of course. The promise Hermione had made to him, that he had made her make, was negated instantaneously, there was no way he could deny them life if he went.
Not that he thought she would kill herself, but there was more than one way to die.
When Snape came to him three days after his and Hermione's marriage with the news that Bellatrix may have seen Hermione's pregnancy, he was alarmed. When Snape came to him again, just days after the twins were born with news that Bellatrix was actually taking note of Hermione's absences, he was absolutely terrified. It was easy then, despite Snape himself, to fall under the belief that leaving them was the best way to prevent his nightmare from coming true.
But not once had Snape divulged his concern about how the twins came to be… not that, if he really thought about it, it mattered anymore. Whether or not Hermione loved him the night they slept together was irrelevant next to the fact that since that night he knew, without the shadow of a doubt or fear that she did now. It didn't have to be daily said, constantly repeated or even casually alluded to, it was just there with them and they felt it.
Obviously though, if Snape had said something, they would have been concerned, more cautious, and more observant of everyone and everything they interacted with. If this was a grand scheme of Voldemort, Fred and George or the Loch Ness Monster he would have made sure they paid for it… after thanking them, of course.
They had benefited more than were they actually harmed by the entire experience and he was already thinking of more children, with names lined to match.
But no, the constant hell that came with being him meant that he was to be denied that.
So he had Snape make the potion, prepared himself to part from them… and then Hermione discovered him.
He had never seen her so angry-and he was probably going to see her angrier that afternoon-but then it was a new experience for him. She was so furious she had set off a spectacular display of wandless magic that sent various objects, food supplies and ornamentation flying from the shelves and cupboards in the room with them and those around. But eventually, and reluctantly at that, he had broken her down to an agreement: If she wanted to come with him she would have to give up the twins, a compromise was too dangerous and he firmly wanted her to remain behind.
In reflection, maybe he should not have been so surprised that she chose him. What good was life raising the twins if he was dead and she had done nothing to help him? It was a pity that that action had then unwittingly set off a chain of events that would lead them here.
And all the while Snape had suspected something and kept it to himself.
And he was right too, it mattered little. When he met Hermione at last and told her the truth, she would not care what Snape's reason was, she would only want to hear his. It was wonderful how life seemed determined to screw with him.
By the time the sun had set over Wiltshire though, Harry had fully composed himself and consumed the first dose of the potion that would turn him in Paul Nicolas. He would not take the other, and having decided on it firmly, poured the rest down the sink. It was the time to face his fate and he was going to take it like the Gryffindor he was.
He went to his wardrobe and selected his best casual suit, and could not escape the feeling that it was also his funeral shroud. But surely this was exaggeration, Hermione wouldn't kill him… just maim him within an inch of life, but not kill him.
Showered, dressed, and then cloaked for the short walk in the cold, he let a study window open for Hedwig, made sure to secure his doors, and then stepped out into the cool, quiet night.
By contrast, just over at Northbridge Manor, Hermione was cursing the day they stepped into the train compartment that would introduce them to Luna Lovegood. Didn't she understand how much Hermione didn't want to meet this Mr Nicolas no matter how charming-and somewhat overly enthusiastic-he had been when she first met him? Yes, she understood the importance of getting to know her neighbour, but she didn't really want to know him that well… at least, not now.
Right now, she wanted to carry on much as she had that first night, and the one after, and the one after that since her ill-fated trip to Blackpool: pretending it never happened. Her theory was that if she pretended she had never gone, that she didn't know that the twins conversed with their father, that he was really dead… then she would not hurt over his apparent decision to avoid her. And that had been going really well too… but oh Luna, she lived to contradict Hermione's every belief.
But Hermione did have some control over this evening. As it was going to happen at her house, she had no intentions of meeting Mr Paul Nicolas alone. Caspar was going to be with them, despite Luna's objections, and she had already set up the dining room with pictures of the twins. If this man wanted to get to know her, he would have to get to know her children-all three of them-too.
She had just finished ordering Caspar, for the hundredth time so far, to put on his proper shoes instead of the old, worn trainers he had decided on for the evening, when there was the sound of two, low quick buzzes. Mr Nicolas had arrived.
Deciding she had no time to argue with Caspar when he was clearly determined to be difficult this evening, she drew her wand and quickly transfigured his trainers. As he protested, she went over to the door and pressed the button to open the front gate.
She was barely back into the living room-now discovering that Caspar had abandoned the prospect of shoes altogether and discarded the pair under the coffee table-when there was a knocking at the door.
Mr Nicolas must have speed-walked the path, he was making it so difficult for her to turn him down gracefully.
With one last warning look to Caspar, she walked back to the front door and opened it, saying, "Good evening Mr Nicolas, sorry about the wait in the cold, my son is… well, he's a boy, why don't you…."
Her voice trailed off and she stopped absolutely still.
It became very quiet very fast in the house, and when Caspar realised he could no longer hear his mother's voice he hurried to see what was up at the front door.
There was his mother; clearly, she was the one in the white shirt and navy skirt holding the door open to admit their guest. But the person standing there was not Mr Nicolas. He knew Mr Nicolas; he was a tall, suntanned man with light blond hair and grey eyes. This man though, was not. He had messy black hair, bright green eyes, a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead and the expression of someone who had been caught red-handed in the act of something mischievous.
Caspar tested the name though he wasn't sure he wanted to, "H-Harry Potter?"
The man's eyes flicked past Hermione to the small, dark haired boy standing in the foyer behind her. He took a moment to survey him before replying, "Hello Caspar."
That snapped Hermione out of her daze, "Don't talk to him! Is this some kind of sick joke? Did Luna think I'd find it funny?"
Harry turned back to her, "No, Hermione, this isn't a joke; Luna didn't set me up to this…."
"Then who are you? Because I was supposed to have dinner with a Mr Paul Nicolas who lives just across the street, if you're one of those con-men trying to get-" she started angrily.
"I'm Harry, Hermione… Luna… she-she figured it, she saw right through my disguise the first day she saw me in the street-" he tried to explain.
"No, you're not, Harry's dead! Harry died eleven years ago on Hallowe'en! You're just some trickster… you're not really him…" she protested, and then began to back away from the open doorway to her son who had not moved.
Harry took a step into the house after her. This was not going as planned, why did the potion have to wear off so quickly? Better yet, why did it?
"Listen Hermione, I know that… I know that you're angry right now, that you probably want to hurt me, or scream or something, but please, give me a chance to explain-"
"NO! Get out of my house! You're not him, he's dead! He never came back after he went to kill Voldemort! Voldemort killed him in the forest-" she screamed.
"-near Godric's Hollow," he completed for her, calmly. "But he didn't kill me; I ran out of the forest alive and went to Snape. Snape who warned me that if I even tried to look at you Bellatrix would kill you, and our daughters…. I am so sorry Hermione, but I couldn't… I couldn't let them die because of me; I couldn't let you die because of me. You barely survived the search for that bastard's Horcruxes in the first place, I couldn't lose you then. Your parents… if I hadn't been there-"
"No, no, no-no, you… you… Snape set you up to this. That's it, I don't know why but he obviously wants to hurt me…" Hermione protested, backing even further into the house.
"I'd kill him first," said Harry, seriously.
For a moment, and the slightest of them at that, Hermione stopped still and looked at him, really looked at him.
Maybe it was what he said, or how he had said it, but he was sure that she must have realised then that he was telling her the truth. Seeing him again, mentioning Horcruxes, explaining himself with details Snape must have backed up didn't do it, but threatening to kill Snape did. He had to wonder at this woman.
And then she was back again, and though her eyes revealed barely contained fury her voice was small as she asked, "Why… why weren't you there Saturday night?"
"What?" he asked confused.
"Saturday night, where were you when I went to Blackpool?" she asked again.
He realised what she was talking about immediately and replied, "I don't live there anymore, I came here as Paul Nicolas… the idea was that you'd meet Hedwig there and that she would lead you here…. But the girls sent me a letter and you must have just missed her-"
"Why didn't you come directly to me the moment you got back?" she demanded.
"Would you have believed me if I had?" he asked.
"Have you so little faith in me?" she asked.
He tried to correct immediately, "I never, have never, will never, have little faith in you. I trusted you with my life! What would it take to convince you of that? Wasn't the war more than enough?"
He couldn't believe her, now she was getting him angry too.
Hermione refused to be embarrassed by it.
"You clearly didn't trust me enough to come back to me, to come back to our children! You left Maia and Aimee with a nanny while you went gallivanting to gods know where-"
"I didn't want them to die! Didn't you hear me when I told you that I didn't want them to get hurt? Snape told me that if I went back you'd die, and then your parents were attacked. If they couldn't hurt me directly they would do the next best thing, attack you. You were safe as long as you were away from me… as you probably would have been if you and Ron had gone back to Hogwarts like I wanted you to from the beginning!" he nearly yelled.
"But you'd be dead! And I would have lived the rest of my life wondering 'what if?' I couldn't do that Harry, I was only seventeen but I knew what it meant when the very thought of you seemed to suck the air from my lungs. (Well that answered that question.) I would have stood by you, with you all the way to hell if I had to!" she yelled back.
"Yeah, you'd 'die with me' right? But you see I couldn't let you do that with the twins. They changed everything, before they were born it was fine, they weren't physically there for me to be constantly worrying over, but once they were…. Hermione, I was wrong for listening to Snape, I was wrong for leaving you, I should have fought to stick with you to the end, but I will not apologise for trying to protect you," he told her.
Her eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed in fury, "Everybody wants to protect me-do you know that Mrs Weasley's, Lupin's and Snape's idea of protection was to take them away from me too?"
He dropped his head, "Snape said… I didn't know much about why they weren't with you other than they wanted you to remember rather than be shocked. (She scoffed.) But today he told me that… he suggested the idea because he was thought that… that someone must have slipped you a potion the night we… the night we… the…."
He looked down at Caspar; she glanced at her son too and as if suddenly realising he was there, and then replied almost mechanically, "I'll say it once, not one moment of that night was not me. I loved you, thought you loved me too, and you hurt me, and then… and…. I don't know what to think anymore…."
He quickly looked up at her and said, "Hermione I did-do love you… I'm sorry Hermione…. I should have… I…."
"Don't bother… as a matter of fact, I think you should leave now," she replied, brushing it off.
"Hermione please…" he began and took another step in towards them.
But she had nothing more to say, she shook her head at him and took hold of Caspar's arm.
He tried one more appeal but Hermione had had enough, "Goodnight Mr Nicolas, I don't think we should continue this evening, it's distressing my son."
He looked down at the boy again, who was very silent but with eyes that revealed an internal fright, and replied, defeated, "That's okay, we can-we can talk later… I'll be… I'll be next door if you need me…."
And then with one last, longing, apologetic glance, he turned away from her and left.
Strangely, the first thought that came to him as the door shut solidly behind him was, at least she didn't hex me.
The first action for Hermione was to break down right there and cry.
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