Weighing the Options
Chapter 3
Weighing the Options
"Let me see if I've got this straight," stated Harry from his usual spot on the steps of his porch. "You found a muggle doctor who knows about us and he's agreed to see if he can fix this curse…"
"That's correct," replied Hermione gently, laying a hand on his knee.
"…and he thinks it's possible to…"
"That's correct. He thinks it will be a relatively simple procedure, rather like a vasectomy reversal. He'll know more after he runs some tests, but…"
"What kind of tests?" Harry asked.
"Well, x-rays, scans, that kind of thing…"
"And he knows who I am…" Harry scowled.
"No, I just said an acquaintance of mine. I've made you an appointment for next Wednesday under the name of Jim Dursley. Just talk to him, Harry. If you find yourself uncomfortable or decide that it's not worth it, then at least you'll know the option is there. You'll be in control. Maybe curse injuries act differently, but with the muggle procedure, the longer you wait, the less likelihood of success. I don't want to push you. If you don't want to check into this then cancel the appointment and we'll never speak of it again. I just want you to be happy. If you decide not to go through with it, then we'll just have to love your children even more." Hermione went silent to let him think.
"Will he be expecting Galleons or muggle money?" Harry asked and was immediately smothered by brown bushy hair.
"I can't believe that you want to check into it!" she exclaimed with a wide grin.
"I don't know yet if it is even possible, but I think I'd be shortchanging myself if I didn't at least check into it." he replied.
The following Wednesday, Harry met with the doctor. "Mr. Dursley, I have to tell you I've never run across anything like this before. You people don't mess around when you curse someone, do you?"
"I'm not sure if anyone else has been hit with particular curse in several hundred years…" Harry responded.
The two men talked for several hours. Harry found the doctor to be intrigued by the wizarding world, almost like an Arthur Weasley only in reverse. Soon Harry felt comfortable enough to give his real name and the whole story of his challenges with Voldemort. Finally the doctor said, "Let me look at the test results to see what the damage is and if I can fix it. Be aware, however, that muggle medicine is nothing like magical Healing. There are no guarantees."
"I understand," Harry replied. "I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's just something I have to do." The doctor nodded and with a handshake, left the room.
At their regular Thursday meeting, Harry confessed to Ron what he'd been up to. "What kind of tests do these muggles run?" Ron asked.
Harry vividly described the x-rays and the scans; however he blushed a bright red when he told about the specimens he was required to provide.
"What in the world do they do with that?" Ron asked in amazement.
"They test for fertility, Ron," stated Harry simply, yet with frustration.
"They can tell all that stuff, these muggles?"
"Yes, you'd be surprised at what they can do. There's in vitro fertilization, which means they fertilize the egg in a dish and then put it back. There are loads of things they can try," he explained.
"That's incredible!" Ron replied.
"Hermione's very excited about it," stated Harry.
"Well, she would be. She is just doing the research. She's not the one getting their…Are you really going to do that?"
"I don't know yet…maybe," said Harry wistfully.
"Well, there's no way I'd let some muggle poke about my privates…"
"That's because you and Luna know you can have children," Harry replied, then added with a chuckle, "I mean you are a Weasley."
"Well, even so…" Ron grumbled before smiling genuinely at his friend.
Harry looked back earnestly. "Put yourself in my shoes, you've grown up surrounded by more family than you knew what to do with. I was alone locked in a cupboard, or my room, mostly. I admit that my previous solution was unusual, but it solved both mine and the lady's problems. I don't regret a minute of it."
"I know," said Ron sympathetically. "I can see where you are coming from, mate. I just don't think I could do it." Harry smiled at him. "Then again, there's loads of things you've done that I wouldn't be able to do."
"Well, I'm not saying I'm going to do it. All I'm saying is that I have to think about it, if it comes to that."
Hermione had stopped by Harry's as usual for several days straight and had yet to find him home. She knocked on his door and was surprised to find herself greeted by a small person.
"Who're you?" asked the young blond child brusquely.
"My name is Hermione. I met you at the wedding, then at the birthday party for your brothers…"
"I'm Janie," said the toddler matter-of-factly.
"Yes, I know," replied Hermione. "Could you call your dad for me? I'd like to talk to him."
"Hello, Hermione," said Harry politely as he appeared in the doorway with a smile that did not reach his eyes. She could tell there was something wrong by his tone of voice. She thought, "Well, 'wrong' wasn't the right word; 'off' would be a better one."
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing," he lied. "Did you meet, Janie? Isn't she adorable?" He beamed at the child who was firmly attached to his leg. He swung Janie up into his arms. Hearing her father's praise, the child seemed to be more accepting of the visitor.
"Yes, we've met. Aren't you the sweetest thing?" she asked the girl as she tickled her tummy.
The resulting laughter gave Harry a genuine smile. "Please come in," he said. Hermione followed him into the house where Janie squirmed in Harry's arms for release. Harry sat her down and gave her a love pat on the bottom as she scampered away.
"I asked what was wrong…." Hermione stated evenly.
"I said nothing and I meant it," Harry responded walking toward the kitchen. Hermione knew by his actions that she would receive no answers to Harry's apparent emotional distance at the moment.
"Harry, I love you. You know I do. I can help you with whatever it is that's bothering you. Please don't shut me out anymore."
"Who says I'm shutting you out? Huh? Who says I need your help?" Harry questioned almost belligerently. "Just drop it, okay, Hermione? I'm fine. There is nothing I need help with."
"I know you're busy right now. Can we talk after Jamie goes to bed?" she asked hesitantly.
"No…yes…I don't know, really," he replied. Harry walked away and started for the stairs. Hermione took the hint and left.
It was midnight before she returned and found him sitting on the steps to the dark house. "What do you want, Hermione?" Harry asked harshly.
"I came to see if you were alright," she prodded, noticing he was smoking and biting her lip to keep from mentioning it.
"By whose standards are we judging…yours?" he snapped, crushing the cigarette in an ashtray.
"I'm sorry, Harry. I've tried not to ask, but why are you smoking? I thought…"
"My rules…yeah. It's pretty sad when you can't even follow your own rules." Harry shook his head sadly. "Merlin's Beard, can I be any more pathetic!"
"What's wrong, Harry? Please, tell…" she began.
"It didn't work. They can't do anything. It's over," Harry stated quickly…breathily…like if he stopped talking he'd never be able to start again. Hermione rushed over, laid her head on his shoulder and threw her arms around him. He continued his rant, "What's the use? Huh? I mean, what was the point? I never asked for any of this! None of it! I never asked to be The-boy-who-lived, hell, I don't even remember it! I never asked to be 'The Chosen One', either. Why me? Tell me that, Hermione. Tell me…why me! I had dealt with it all. I really had. Then here you come to 'fix' everything. I told myself it was a bad idea. I told myself not to get my hopes up, but you know what? I did. I thought I could be 'normal'. What a joke! 'Harry Potter----Normal'!" He let out a heartrending laugh. "I should never have let you back in. My life was fine. I had the kids. It was fine…"
"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispered in his ear hoping to calm him a bit. He remained stiff in her arms. "I'm sorry that I put you through this. I'm sorry it didn't help. I thought it would be better to know that all avenues had been explored. I never meant to hurt you."
"You never do, Hermione. You never do…" he sighed. He broke from her grasp, turned and strode into the house. Hermione followed at a distance.
"That's not fair, Harry," she called after him. "You knew going in that it might not be successful. We talked about that as well as being prepared, just in case. Now that you know for sure, it's suddenly my fault. I am sorry; Harry, but I don't accept that."
Harry's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I'm sorry, all right?" he said in an almost child-like tone. "It's not just that. It's everything…"
"Want to talk about it?" she asked gently.
"I honestly don't know if I do or if I don't…" Harry sighed heavily. "I screwed up so badly this time…"
"Want to talk about it?" Hermione offered again. "I won't judge you. I won't say a word, only listen."
"I only wanted to help these people, honestly. The children were an added bonus…" he began. "I…I've got to get out of here. Could you stay here with Janie?" He turned toward the door.
"Harry, stop, please…" Hermione begged. Closing his eyes, he turned toward the wall and rested his head against it. "Running away won't solve anything. Tell me what's happened. Maybe I can help find a solution…just like the old days…"
He smiled sadly, never raising his head from the wall. "I'm starting to think a basilisk was child's play…."
"That bad?" she said as she walked toward him. Laying her head against his back, she began rubbing his shoulders.
"Any of the things that happened today, separately, I could have handled, but…" He turned and faced her. Taking her hand, he led her into the living room.
"Honestly, Harry, we can deal with this…all of it. Just start at the beginning. You got out of bed and…"
"…Went to the office." Hermione bit her lip hard to avoid asking him about his work. He continued, "The last project disintegrated overnight. It took months to put it all together and for nothing. Then I met with the doctor and received his joyous news. I got a message from a girl who heard about me. I met with her over lunch. She told me her story and I told her mine. I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this anymore; that I needed to think about it. She was so young, Hermione…"
"What happened?" Hermione prompted.
"Her father saw us and caused such a scene. He works in the Department of Magical Births, so he knows about me and why she would have come to me. He cursed her, Hermione! She's in St Mungo's. They don't know if the baby will be alright. I should have just agreed to marry her."
Hermione wrapped her arms around him. "You can't marry every witch who gets herself in trouble, Harry. It's unrealistic."
"I know that, of course, but…"
She placed a hand on each side of his face, forcing him to look at her. "Harry, listen to me. You couldn't have known that a man would curse his own daughter. You were horrible at Divination. There's nothing you could have done. Even if you had agreed to marry her, that doesn't mean her father would have reacted any differently. Did anything else happen today?"
"Ellen is moving to the continent. I'm losing my boys."
"I'm sorry, Harry. You'll still see them, though, won't you?"
"No, she's getting married and her new husband thinks it's best if I'm out of the picture. Don't look at me like that. I understand, really I do. I feel that way myself sometimes. I don't like to share them much either…"
"Yet, you do," she finished for him. "You love kids and enjoy providing for them. You have more money than you need. Why not help on a larger scale?"
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"I was thinking about this the other night," she said. "You have Grimmauld Place already divided into flats. Why not use it as a home for these women rather than marry them. You'd provide a place to live and monetary support. If you want, you can offer minding services so the women can work to save money for their future…What do you think?"
"It sounds like a nice dream. I can never afford anything like that…"
"You don't have to pay for it all yourself," she said forcefully. "You are Harry Potter! Let the world see the man you've become. Flash that scar. Use your fame for a good cause. Solicit donations, set up a foundation and it can be self-supporting. Please say you'll think about it…"
"I will, I promise," he said softly. His mind was spinning with possibilities. "You always did know how to lift me from my dark mood. But, that opens up another set of problems, though. What about my work? I don't want to give that up…"
"Well, I can't answer about that, can I?" she answered with an innocent smile. "I know nothing about whatever it is that you do…."
Harry laughed. "Good one," he said as he laid his head against hers. "As soon as things settle down, I'll talk to you about it. It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that things are…sensitive right now."
She held him closely for a bit, before raising her head to kiss him gently. He responded to her kiss by lightly touching her lower lip with his tongue. She accepted his probe as the kiss deepened. He lay back on the couch, drawing her with him.
"Daddy?" came a voice from the stairs. "What are you doing?"
Harry gave a soft groan at the interruption as he and Hermione sat up on the sofa. "I'm kissing Hermione, Pumpkin," he said softly. "Why did you wake up?" The small girl came toward him rubbing her tear-filled eyes. "Did you have a bad dream?" The girl nodded. Hermione looked on, her eyes shining as Harry pulled his daughter into his lap. "Tell me about it, love…"
"I don't 'member," the child answered, hiding her face in Harry's chest.
"I don't like it when I have a bad dream and can't remember it, either," Harry said as he pulled the child close. "You wake up scared and don't know what you are scared of. It makes even normal things seem frightening."
"Does Daddy get scared sometimes?" she asked.
"Pumpkin, everyone gets scared. I bet if you asked Hermione if she gets scared at bad dreams, she'll agree. The thing to remember when you wake up…" Harry tapped the girl's forehead. "…is that it's all up here. Those scary things aren't really in your room. As soon as you turn on the light, everything will be just how you left it when you get to bed. Want me to show you?" The girl nodded. "Hermione, I'll be right back…"
Harry carried the small girl back to her room and turned on the light. He showed her how her things were just as she left them, and then put her into her bed. He sat beside her and dimmed the lights wandlessly. "See? Everything is the same." He tucked her stuffed unicorn into her arms and kissed her brow as she fell back to sleep.
"Where were we?" he asked as he rejoined Hermione on the couch.
"We were thinking of either slowing down or taking this into another room…" she answered silkily.
He laughed softly and pulled her into his arms. "We should continue this another day," he responded.
"I know…your rules…I should probably go, anyway…" she stated as she picked up the used glasses from the end table.
He stilled her arm before pulling her back down onto the couch as they were before. "We don't have to stop, just slow down…"
For the next few weeks, Hermione rarely saw Harry, though she'd received many owls from him. She knew he'd met with Ron recently on one of the Thursday night outings. She mentioned it at lunch the following day. "How is he?" she asked cautiously.
"Better," said Ron before biting into an enormous sandwich.
"Good," she replied. "He was a bit down the last time I saw him."
"A bit down?" Ron asked surprised. "That's probably the biggest understatement I've heard in awhile…"
"What are you talking about?" she inquired. She didn't think he was that bad the night she was over. By the time they resumed kissing, he hardly seemed down at all.
"What are you talking about?" Ron returned. He wanted to be careful not to speak out of turn.
"The night I was at his house last. He was down over the medical thing, plus the twins moving and a few other things…I thought he was better but…wait a second! You are talking about something else, aren't you? What's happened to him?"
"One of his projects for work went bad, that's all. He's fine now…" Ron said soothingly.
"Which indicates he wasn't fine before….I ask again, what has happened to him?"
"Hermione, please listen to me. He must have kept this from you for a reason. I don't begin to know the reasons for half of the things he does, but…"
"You won't tell me because that would betray his confidence…" she finished for him. "I know. I know."
"Owl him and tell him you are worried about him. I'm sure he'll let you visit…"
After finishing her meal, Hermione hugged her friend and left to send an owl. As she arrived home, she found Hedwig, Harry's snowy owl, who was every bit as vain and opinionated as ever, waiting for her.
"Oh, hello, Hedwig. Did Harry respond to my letter already?" she asked the bird. Hedwig just shook out her wings and extended a leg to offer the attached letter.
Hermione took the letter and reached into the desk drawer for a few owl treats. Hedwig nibbled the treats before flying back out the window.
Hermione opened the letter carefully.
Dear Hermione,
I should have told you this sooner, but I didn't want you to worry. I'm in St Mungo's. I can imagine your reaction right now, but I'm fine, really I am. If you wish to visit, please ask for Piers Polkiss' room. (He's a friend of Dudley's, don't ask) I should be going home in a few days and I cannot wait!
Hope to see you soon.
Harry