Confounded Fear
"Lily-"
"No, Potter."
"You didn't let me finish."
"The answer is still no."
"How do you know what I was going to ask?"
"Fine, ask."
"Will you go out with me?"
"No."
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Lily sighed unhappily. She closed her eyes and leaned against the wall with her books pressed up to her chest, thinking about everything. About all of it.
In a few months she would be out in the real world. She would no longer have the safe walls of Hogwarts protecting her from all of the darkness outside. She would be thrust into the biggest war in wizarding history, and it scared her. It scared her that she might be in danger and that her friends might be in danger too. Christine showed no worries about going out, in fact she seemed pleased. Marlene on the other hand, had a shaky yet defiant look in her eyes. Marlene McKinnon had told her that she would fight Voldemort with all the power she could muster. He had taken her mother and father from her, leaving her with only her brother Mark. Lily knew that Marlene and Mark would fight him until they were dead and she knew that they wouldn't stop fighting until he was gone but, but Lily... she just didn't know.
To fight meant to condemn your self to death. To not fight meant that Voldemort was free to kill innocent people, and letting him destroy the world. Lily knew in her heart that she couldn't just stand by and let him destroy everything, but she didn't know if she was brave enough to fight. Now that her time initiation into the real world came so close, Lily was filled with more and more dread. The real world had never seemed any scarier and Lily was confused. So incredibly confused.
"Alright Lily?"
Lily snapped her eyes open from impulse; she didn't need to open them to know who had spoken to her. It could only be James. She would have recognized his voice no matter what. Even back when he didn't know who she was, she could recognize his voice.
"Fine," she muttered softly. She closed her eyes again waiting for him to leave, but if there was one thing Lily knew about James Potter, is that he never did what he was supposed to do or what was expected of him to do. Lily knew this, yet she was just hoping against all hope. Like that ever worked.
"Lils? Seriously, what's wrong?"
Lily groaned inwardly. Lils. "I just…nothing."
Ordinarily, Lily would have told him everything; she would have told him every single damn feeling going through her because she trusted him completely and honestly. She had already told him things she'd never told Karen or Marlene because there was just something about him that made her want to talk. There was something about him that compelled her to spill everything that was troubling her at the moment, and even now she still felt that way. She still wanted to open up her heart and mind to him, babble for hours on things nobody would ever give a damn about because she knew he would listen; he always did. But Lily knew she couldn't. She didn't want to pour her soul to him anymore. He probably wouldn't care because they weren't together anymore. She had broken up with him and not in a nice way. She'd cussed at him, screamed at him and told him off, yet he still talked to her, still made her heart thud uncontrollably, still sent shivers up her spine whenever he touched her, and she hated that. She hated the feeling he inspired in her with a fiery passion. Hated him-No it was worse than that, she loved him.
"Don't bullshit me. I know you better than that. Come on, fess up. You can tell me anything Lily. Anything."
Lily felt hot warm tears trying to squeeze their way out of her tightly closed eyelids. She thought of his eyes; his warm, gorgeous hazel eyes. She thought of how much she wanted him, needed him. How she screwed up her chance to be with him. Of how damn awful it was to have him call her Lils. Of how she would never-could never tell him she wanted him back, that she loved him. "No, I can't," she muttered before running away.
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"Why don't you get it through your thick head?! I DON'T LIKE YOU!"
"I'll change your mind."
"No. You. Won't."
"Whatever you say Lils."
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Funny the way life works. Sometimes it gave you everything and you felt amazingly lucky, then just like that, it was all snatched away and you were left cold, lonely, and desolate. Lily groaned. Life sucked. No, wait, not all life-just her life; her miserable, lovesick, intolerable life.
"Lily?"
She turned around. It was Marlene. "Yeah?"
Marlene plopped down on the maroon couch that Lily was sitting on and flicked her blonde hair over her shoulder. "What's wrong? You look.... horrible."
Lily buried her head in her hands. "I feel horrible."
"Ah," Marlene enunciated. "Let me guess, this is about darling James Potter."
"The one and only," Lily muttered lifting her head and staring at Marlene.
Marlene clicked her tongue. "Lils," she sighed, her brown eyes smiling sadly. "Why don't you just tell him? Just tell him you still like him."
"I don't like him Marlene. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Lily, you like him. A lot. Now, you may not want to tell me, but I can tell. I don't even know why you broke up with him in the first place. I told you from the very beginning that you were being stupid. You love him Lily. I can see it every time you look at him, every time his name is mentioned. Every time Lily. Every bloody time, yet you won't admit it."
"Marlene I…"
"Don't give me that Lily. You know that every bloody word I'm saying is true. Just tell him. I see you. This nothingness is hell for you. The whole the fact that you and James are no longer together is killing you. Why do that to yourself, Lils? Why?"
Lily stood up shaking and staring at Marlene. What did she know? How could she possibly understand how Lily was feeling? Marlene was sitting there preaching as if she knew what it was like to love someone so much that it hurt-It hurt to imagine life without them. It hurt to wonder if one day he just wouldn't want her anymore. It hurt to think that now that Lily had finally given in, James Potter would come to his senses and realize that there was nothing special about her, and that he was in love with the chase and not with her. It hurt to know that she wanted to live in a house with him and have children and to greet people as Lily Potter one day. It hurt to want everything about him so much that she didn't want to give him the chance to take it all away.
"I can't handle it, Marlene. I can't handle it if he decides he doesn't want me! I'm not brave! If he doesn't…if it turns out that he just likes chasing me, I couldn't deal with that! I just couldn't," Lily screeched.
Marlene didn't need anything else. She moved toward Lily and enveloped her into a hug. Lily sagged, falling into Marlene feeling unbearably weak.
"Lily," Marlene whispered. "Trust me. He loves you. He wasn't in it just for the chase. Besides," she chuckled softly, gripping Lily tighter as Lily let the tears she had been holding back fall. "What's love without the risk?"
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"I-err, thanks. Thanks James."
"Eh? I didn't do anything."
"Of course you did something."
"I didn't…you called me James."
"That's your name isn't it?"
"Well yeah, but-"
"I'll see you around."
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A few hours later, Lily and Marlene were sitting across from each other, and staring at the other's eyes. The bright fire of the Gryffindor common room flickered behind them, intensifying their glares.
"So..." Lily muttered. "Why are you staring at me?"
"Why are you staring at me?"
Lily leaned back, feeling very weary. She had just poured out her feelings about James to Marlene and she didn't feel any less worried. In fact, she felt more worried. What crackpot said that letting things out made you feel better? Now that she had spoken her fears out loud, she felt incredulously worse.
"Lily...?"
"Life sucks. It's too complicated, and horrible," Lily glowered sitting up to face Marlene. Her best friend was staring at her with a sort of amused expression.
"Lily," Marlene said empathetically, as if she knew, what was going on in Lily's life. "It's only like that because you make it that way."
Lily scowled. Sometimes she hated Marlene, especially when she was speaking honest truths. Marlene always said the truth even if it wasn't what you wanted to hear. She was blunt.
"Bugger off."
Marlene merely shrugged and stood up as headed toward the girls' staircase. "Oh and Lily," she said turning back once at the foot of the stairs, "I know you're smart and everything when it comes to school, but sometimes it surprises me how stupid you can be when it comes to real life. Lils, nothing comes easy, you have to be willing to work for it, willing to risk things for it, willing to lose yourself in it; otherwise, you'll never get anything you want. You'll be left with even less than with what you started with. Lily, the best things in life are never certain. You're tumbled up onto a shaky land with only yourself to give. If you never take the chance, you'll never know what might have been and it's better to know than to forever wonder."
With that, Marlene turned on her heel and marched gingerly up the stairs. Lily scowled again. It's better to know than to forever wonder. Stupid Marlene. Why did she always have to be right?
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"Lily?"
"Hmm?"
"I don't give you enough credit."
"For what?"
"What you just did. Back there, with Christine. You hate her and yet, you still helped her."
"I don't think anyone should be treated like that, no matter how much they deserve it."
"Lily Evans, you're amazing. And that's not flattery. That's the truth."
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Lily leaned against the wall with her eyes shut tight as the Quidditch match ensued. She breathed trying to calm herself, trying to reassure herself. After that talk with Marlene, Lily had come to terms with something: she couldn't live like she was living at that moment. Marlene was right. She had to know if James still wanted her; she had to know if he wanted her like she wanted him and if he didn't…well god please don't let that be it.
Lily heard Harvey Jopore, the Quidditch announcer state the match was over. Gryffindor had won, again. She inhaled sharply, righted herself and opened her eyes, revealing the Quidditch pitch before her. She walked down to the field where she knew James was, where she needed to find out, once and for all.
Once she arrived at the field, she spotted him instantly. He was conversing with Christine Marlow. How she hated that girl. Everything Lily wanted and had, Christine had tried to take away. Of course Lily hadn't noticed at first. After all they were supposed to be best friends, but all Christine ever did was hurt her. Lily never believed it was Christine who had done those things, even though Marlene and Karen told her that Christine was a pathetic bitch. When Lily found out about her feelings for James, she told Christine, her supposed best friend, and the first thing Christine did was kiss him on the mouth right in front of her. Later, she went up to Christine and told her that she was an idiot to think they were friends, which was true; Lily was a bad judge of character. And now Christine was probably trying to take James away from her again. Lily's anger swelled and all her previous thoughts of worry and fear melted away.
"James," she called walking toward him. He turned, his gorgeous hazel eyes on her, God how she loved his eyes, and she saw Christine scowl behind him.
"Hey Lils."
"Can we talk?"
"Sure" he said, a frown growing on his lips.
Lily felt amazingly triumphant as she pulled James away from Christine's side. They walked away from the crowd of ecstatic Gryffindors and Lily raised her eyes up to look at James, fully determined to say what she planned, but then just like that, her resolve died. She was staring up to his eyes and dark messy hair as the feeling of worry and fright crept back in. This is a mistake what am I doing here?
"Lily?"
She blinked. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Why were things always easier when she was angry?
"Lily?" he asked again bringing his hand up to push away the red strand of hair from her face. Lily felt herself shiver where he touched her and was aware of her face slowly turning red. "Hello? Lily? What's wrong?"
I can't do this. I can't. Lily tried to move, to tell him never mind and stalk off, but her feet felt like they were glued to the ground and she seemed to have gone mute in the last few seconds. Seconds? It felt like hours. He lifted his hands and placed them softly on her shoulders, shaking her gently. "Lils?"
Lily's voice seemed to have come back. "Never mind," she muttered as her legs came back to working order and she started to walk away. Just then, she felt a hand grab her wrist and pull her back. Lily turned, feeling the blush creep further up her cheeks as he touched her. She was sure her cheeks were red enough to match the Gryffindor banner. She stared at her shoes, fully aware of James looking at her.
"Lily, look at me," he said softly, placing his hand on her chin and nudging her face up gingerly. Lily looked up at him, feeling the shivers spread all over her body now. She heard James swear under his breath and use his hand to muss up his hair some more. "Lily, I don't know what you were going to tell me, but please do." Lily frowned as she saw a pained expression on James's face "Whatever it is."
"I miss you," she whispered unaware she had said it out loud.
James eyes widened in shock. "What?"
Lily opened her mouth slightly. I said that out loud? "I-err," She looked up at his face and her fears were confirmed. What's done is done, she thought bitterly. That was the thing about Lily. Once she started something, she finished it; she never did anything halfway. It went against her rules and telling James she hadn't said anything when she had, went against every fibre in her being. Lying just wasn't in her genes. Ah, what a pity.
"I miss you," she sighed. "The only damn reason I broke up with you in the first place was because I was afraid. I guess…I guess I was just afraid that now that you and I were together, you would come to your senses and realize I'm worthless. So I broke up with you because I didn't want to give you the chance to...to break-up with me, but my plan didn't work so well because you see, I'm in far too deep to just end it. I can't, not when I love you," she paused. "That's all I wanted to say." She felt very tempted to turn around and run the other way and never hear the words she was afraid were going to come out of his mouth.
"Oh thank god," he replied.
Lily blinked and started up at him. "What?" James was grinning wickedly as if Christmas had come early and Lily had no idea why.
"I thought," He whispered as he clasped her hands, "that you were going to tell me you liked some other guy. You know, as a warning or something." His grin faded a bit into something more serious. "Lily, I love you, I do. When you broke up with me I felt horrible, I wanted to be near you even if it was only as your friend. But every fucking day I saw you, I knew that I could never just be your friend. Like you said, I was in far too deep. Every conversation with you killed me because I knew I couldn't be the one who was there to listen to your worries, your dreams, and all that other nonsense girls talk about Lily Evans," he muttered the last to words pulling her close to him, "you are the only girl for me."
And with that, he leaned down and pressed his lips unto hers. Lily shivered and her heart hammered madly. She threw her arms around his neck and gave into the kiss. She loved him, and she didn't quite hate that feeling anymore.
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"Lils, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"
"...Okay."
"Are you serious?"
"I always mean what I say James"
"Am I dying?"
"What?"
"That's the only plausible reason I could think of for you accepting to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend."
"For goodness sakes James! You fell off your broom about four feet from the ground! Of course you're not dying! You broke your arm but that's it."
"In that case, do I have any illnesses? Any debts you owe? Dares?"
"I'm doing this of my own volition and the only illness you have is being a pathological idiot. Now, if you don't want to go with me, that's an entirely different story..."
"Next weekend it is.... but I still think I'm dying."
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A/N: Please review I would really appreciate it.
*I do not own Harry Potter*
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