Soul Pieces
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
AN: This chapter's events take place between late June and early July and it is Harry's POV.
Thanks to Acoustics1220 for the beta!
Chapter 24: Truths, Lies and Omissions
Scotland
McGonagall's Manor
Harry never had the silliest temptation to dream that life-his life-could be easy. Since those old days in Surrey, he had the idea that nothing would be quite clear or simple.
He didn't like to talk about his childhood with anyone. He always thought that was memories that he had to keep to himself-not so little scars that he needed to heal before showing them.
Obviously on the surface he would never admit to have those scars, or even hold resentment towards his uncle and aunt. However, if he closed his eyes he could still remember those holidays, like Christmas and Easter time, where he would be locked up in the cupboard, and having to listen to Aunt Petunia's squeals, and Dudley's complaints about something he didn't get or disliked.
Evidently his first reaction was envy-maybe even jealousy. However this sentiment wasn't only about the presents he didn't receive or the chocolate eggs he didn't eat. It was also about the concept.
Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley were in a family celebration.
And he, Harry, had never been a part of it.
Inside the cupboard he liked to wonder about family- his family. He liked to envision his family's celebrations- a faceless woman and a dozen kids, all that bore a ridiculous semblance to himself gathered around her. Sometimes they even had a dog; but that didn't matter. It was him and his family. Everyone was laughing and happy.
Even after he had gone to Hogwarts, Harry liked to think-or rather dream- about that. Of course, the magical bits and pieces were added and the number of children was cut down.
Only the wife had remained faceless. Neither in his short relationships with Cho and (then) with Ginny had made the faceless wife acquire one.
She only had a face at the last Christmas he partook of. The sad Christmas spent at the Burrow. It was then when he knew- when he finally could see her face.
Hermione.
There, any doubt he could still have about his feelings towards Hermione crumbled. He just knew that she was the woman of his life- and he intended to build a family with her...
He just didn't expect that it would be so soon.
The simple fact of having a child- a son- at seventeen - could make him be scared. Well, maybe scared was a wrong way to phrase it- aware. Aware of what would/could happen, about what he needed to do.
Harry never doubted that Muggle saying, or at least he thought there was this saying, that 'having a child would change your life forever'; he, also, despite the happiness of being a dad, never had he been foolish enough to think that it would be easy.
However, he was disposed to try to do his best. Step by step he was willing to make him, James and Hermione a real family. He would train harder, he would fight better. Intending to never be those kinds of fathers that couldn't be able to change a diaper, he promised himself to never let James or Hermione down.
Evidently he and Hermione were bound to commit errors- big or small mistakes but he wasn't about to give up. On the other hand, he wasn't so sure about Hermione.
Truth be told, Harry could never have imagined how difficult his life with Hermione could be.
He loved her. He loved her deeply and intended to never again deny himself of that. If he closed his eyes he could still feel her skin against his-her smell, even though there last time together, intimately, had been so long ago.
Actually, he had never told her how much he loved her while they were making love. In fact, they had never made love after he confessed his love for her.
He missed her; but not exactly the friend, or even the campaigner. He missed the lover. He missed her body against his, her smell invading his senses, their naked bodies entwined together. Harry wasn't only thinking about the sex- that wasn't really the important part. He was missing the intimacy; the kind of intimacy that only lovers can have.
Harry knew that things hadn't been easy for her. After all, she had to pass a difficult pregnancy... alone. He had hurt her- even if not intentionally- at least twice. Not to mention that she had almost died twice.
She had almost died twice in less than a year... The simple thought of it made him shiver.
Harry noticed that things began to change between him and her since the Nagini episode, not that things were great before, though she looked fine, he knew- he sensed that she wasn't the same person after James' birth. It wasn't something very noticeable- only little attitudes, small gestures, her temper, her eyes...
However after Nagini everything seemed to have gotten worse. Hermione became more and more distant. Cold, unbelievably irritated in one moment, and deeply depressed in another. Even with James she wasn't the same.
Soon after James was born, Harry had thought about proposing to her, but he hadn't. First because he thought Hermione would (wrongly) assume that he only wanted to marry her because of the baby. The young wizard wanted her to know -with no doubt-that he loved her and wanted to marry her even if they didn't have a child together.
However, time passed and everything turned out to be pretty complicated. Hermione didn't look herself. She looked lost, strange. It was like a giant gap was forming between them. And before proposing, Harry knew that he- first- had to bring back the old Hermione.
Harry had found out about the Silencing charm. It was a couple of days ago, at night. She was reading something that Tonks indicated to her when James began to cry. First, she tried to calm him down but he didn't stop so, in a sight of defeat, she had cast the charm.
She hadn't noticed that Harry had witnessed the whole scene.
And, oh boy, how he was angry! How could she? He was about to confront her when he saw she was crying and talking to James,
"Oh, my little baby…I am horrible! I should never be a mom! I can't even get you to stop crying. I wasn't raised to be a mum, little one. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I am not like Ginny. I am sure she would be a great mother. She was raised for this. Yes, Ginny would be a better mother…"
Harry wanted to step out of his dark spot but he couldn't. Some part of him was still a little angry with her because of the silence charm.
Maybe another day he would talk to her. Maybe another day.
But days had passed and Harry never mentioned the subject.
****
"Harry? Harry!" Lupin's voice brought Harry back to reality.
Harry's head snapped up. "Huh? Sorry, I spaced out. What are you saying?"
"Harry, I was introducing you to your new trainer: Miss Claire Larousse."
Oh, Merlin, why? Why? Why her?
"Hello, Harry," she said in a low, but clear voice.
"Er…" Harry felt his cheeks becoming very hot.
What he was supposed to say? Merlin, this had to be a joke. A very bad joke. How could he train with a woman he had shagged? God, it wasn't right!
"Remus, Alastor," she said, "I would like to talk with Harry. Alone."
The two men didn't say a word; they only nodded and left the room. Harry wanted to leave with them. God, he wanted to go to China!
"Harry," she was saying," I know you may be a little, er, confused-"
"I think confused isn't the right word, Claire," he said looking at her. She was different from that night at that club but still gorgeous. She was wearing black robes and her hair was tied in a bun that made her resemble Professor McGonagall.
Gosh, bad picture, Potter!
"I know Harry that we didn't meet in a very orthodoxy way. We can pretend that nothing happened and that today is the first time we meet. But the truth is, Harry, we shagged. We had sex. Period. Nothing will change this fact. However, things are different now. That night I was a little out of it, if you understand what I mean."
Harry nodded, even though he didn't understand exactly what out meant.
"Well, and I did things that I normally wouldn't do. Well, at least not with a seventeen-year boy. However, I don't regret anything. Maybe someday we can talk about that night but not now. I know that a lot has changed in your life, Harry. I know you are now a father. And I am happy for you."
"Thank you, Claire," Harry said, a little flushed.
"I will try to make this training not uncomfortable for the both of us, Harry. I want you to have in mind that I am now your teacher. Nothing more, nothing less. We have a mission that is millions times more important than a silly night in a Night Club. I hope you are mature enough to deal with this situation."
Harry didn't know what to say, so he simply asked, "Er, so what will you teach me?"
Smiling, she replied, "I think we should call Remus and Alastor."
**
"Remus, I just don't understand why I need three teachers. I mean, it's not that I am complaining but isn't this a little too much?" Harry asked.
"Potter," Alastor Moody groaned, "you need to be trained beyond your limits!"
Harry gasped, his eyes opened wide in horror.
Despite himself, Remus Lupin chuckled at the boy's face.
"Harry," Remus began to explain, "You are not an ordinary wizard. You know. We know. Voldemort knows. But we also know that you are not prepared, at least not entirely. Of course you do things that most of the wizards can't do but this isn't enough."
"Okay, Remus, but you still didn't answer me; why three teachers?"
Lupin sighed and answered, "Because of different purposes, Harry. I will continue to train your defense abilities along with Non-verbal spells and Wandless magic. Claire will do your physical training and sword fighting-"
Harry cut him off, "Er, what do you mean...sword?"
Remus, Moody and Claire exchanged a knowing look. "You'll see, Harry," Remus replied with a smile, "but it will be only after your birthday." Harry raised an eyebrow at him. "And no, I'm not telling you."
Harry didn't like the answer but nodded either way. Remus continued, "And Alastor-" Lupin looked at Claire and Mad-Eye.
"He will teach me how to kill," Harry spoke out, a little colder than he intended.
"Yes, Harry, Alastor will teach you how to kill."
*******************************
"Argh!" Harry cried in frustration. "I can't! I just can't! This is bloody impossible, Remus!"
Remus took a long breath and shook his head.
"No, Harry, this isn't impossible. If it was we wouldn't be here. You just need to focus. This chair won't move if you don't focus."
Harry looked at the chair, as it was some kind of evil thing. He tried again…and failed.
"Tell me, Remus, if this is so difficult why I didn't start learning it last year?"
Remus sighed. "You weren't prepared last year, Harry."
"What? I don't understand what you are saying Remus. Sorry if I'm offending you but it looks like we wasted time last year."
"No, you haven't offended me and no, we- you didn't waste time. Last year you practically mastered your defense abilities."
"Defense abilities!" Harry cried in mock annoyance. "But you all told me that isn't enough! Why I-"
"You aren't ready, Harry!" Remus practically yelled, although he didn't look angry. "You aren't ready," the werewolf repeated in a lower voice. "You needed to heal first."
"Huh?" Harry looked confused.
"You needed to grieve, Harry. You needed to grieve properly. Not for Dumbledore's death but Sirius' also. Magic is a very complex thing, Harry."
"I still don't understand. I didn't spend last year mourning their deaths-" Despite himself, Harry flushed when he thought about what he *did* do the year before.
Remus gave him a tiny smile. "To grieve isn't only about mourning." He put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "You truly accepted that it wasn't your fault. Even if this acceptance didn't occur consciously- it did happen. And you needed it. You needed it to go on. To feel guilt, blaming yourself is a terrible feeling. It is like invisible chains. I'm not saying that you don't have any problem right now. We know you have a series of issues to be dealt with concerning a certain brown-haired witch, but I have faith that everything will work out."
Harry stood in silence for a few moments, without knowing -exactly- what to think about Remus' words or if he completely agreed with them. Sighing deeply, he decided it was better to worry- at least for now- about that damn Wandless magic and the evil chair.
"Okay, Remus," he finally said. "But then can you please explain to me why this is so fucking-"
"Language, Mr. Potter!" Remus said, mimicking McGonagall.
Harry snorted. "Why is it so difficult?"
"I never said it would be easy, Harry. Wandless magic is acutely connected with the state of mind. It's necessary that your mind is focused and, how can I say it - free of stress."
"But Remus if the Wandless magic only works if I am not in a stressful situation-"Harry was saying but Remus cut in.
"That's why we are training Harry. You are not an ordinary wizard. You have the strength to do Wandless magic. And I mean real Wandless magic. Make this chair move is only the very begin. You have the power to do real magic without your wand. And Claire will help you with it too. That's one of the reasons of the physical training. Wandless magic can really weaken your body. It can practically suck your energy. And we can't allow it. Otherwise, what would be the benefit of learning Wandless magic if afterwards you wouldn't be able to carry on? But don't worry, Harry. Today is just the first day. "
"But Remus, how could you be so certain that I can do this?" Harry was beginning to doubt. Himself.
Remus Lupin smirked at the boy. "First, we both know that you ARE powerful. And second, er, Wandless magic is something, er, you know…genetic."
Harry's eyes went wide.
"Who was it? My dad?"
"Yes, your dad."
"Wow, so the ability to do Wandless magic is within Potter's blood!"
Remus shook his head.
"No, Harry. It wasn't the Potters."
"I don't understand. You said-"
"I said your father, Harry. Not the Potters. Your father was a Potter because his father was a Potter but, of course, his mother wasn't."
"Oh! So, it means that this power came from my grandmother."
"Yes, your grandmother." Remus stopped and scratched the back of his head, as if he was considering something. "Harry, what do you know about your family?"
"Not much, I admit. Better, almost nothing. I never had the real opportunity to talk about it with Sirius, Dumbledore or even with you. I know that my dad was a Pure-Blood and that Potter is an important name in the Wizard World-" He smiled a little embarrassed. "You know, after my second year I thought I could have a-er...I thought Godric Gryffindor could have been my ancestor or something like that."
"Oh?" Remus' eyes sparkled but Harry didn't notice.
"Yeah." The young wizard shrugged. "But I found nothing."
"You know, Harry, your mum was a very bright witch and sometimes her- and Dumbledore's mind- worked in a very, let's say, unique way." He shook his head. "But we have other issues here, don't we? Now, let's try again! I want to see that chair, at least, stir, Potter!"
England
12 Grimmauld Place
Harry was tired. Remus was right, Wandless magic could really suck your energy.
The young wizard found Hermione feeding James in their bedroom. When she saw him entering the room, Hermione quickly covered herself, forbidding him from seeing.
"Harry!" she cried indignantly. "You should have knocked!"
Harry sighed, closing his eyes briefly.
"Why, Hermione? This is my bloody room too! Merlin! Every time is the same thing! Okay, if it was Ron or Remus I'd understand, but it's me!"
"I- I t-thought y-you understood," she whispered between sobs.
Harry took a deep breath, shaking his head He was too tired to fight.
"Right, Hermione. I am sorry, okay? Next time I will knock. But tell me, how was your day?" he asked sitting on their bed.
"Oh, it was good," she replied, wiping her eyes, a small smile began to play at the corner of her lips. "Tonks brought the ingredients for the potion-"
"Potion? What Potion?"
"The disguise potion, you silly!"
"Oh. This means-"
"Well, this is only the first part. Tonks said that this potion will make me dream, you know?"
"Dream? Dream about what?" asked Harry, a little confused but truly interested.
"Faces, random faces. My body will start to choose a form for me."
"Wow, that's cool, Mione!" Harry said, taking James into his arms.
"Yep!" She nodded fiercely, beaming. Harry looked at her and smiled back, his chest a little less tight. She's so beautiful when she's smiling like this. "Now, tell me, how was your day?"
"Exhausting but good," Harry answered without giving many details.
"Tonks told me that you probably have a new teacher-"
Damn Tonks!
"Oh, yeah. Professor Larousse. It's alright," he said, trying to not look-or sound- tense.
"What is alright?"
"Professor Larousse. Professor Larousse is alright."
"What is he teaching you?"
He? She thinks Professor Larousse is a 'he'…
"Physical training and sword fighting."
"Wow. Tonks said it's important to have physical training. She said that in a few weeks I would start physical training too."
Harry went pale, his hands began to sweat.
"Er, what do mean physical training? With Professor Larousse?"
"Oh, no! With Tonks. Ron will train with me too," she explained. "I think your training will be a bit harder, and you have this Sword training too..." She grinned. "I think Professor Larousse will be all yours."
"Oh, yeah, I guess. Er, and what about Ron? I didn't see him," Harry changed the subject quickly.
"Well," Hermione replied, "I think his Animagus training isn't going very well. Apparently he didn't read all the books Professor McGonagall told him to and, it seems, that he couldn't make his first potion-"
"You could help-"
"No, Harry, he has to do this by himself. I know he can. He just needs to focus- and- think less about Quidditch," she said and then changed the subject, "Ah, tell me how is McGonagall's manor! Tonks told me that's the new-"
"Yes, that's the new Order's Headquarters. It is a fine place. Bigger than here. It has a backyard like the Burrow."
"Tonks said that Mad-Eye is the Secret Keeper," Hermione told Harry.
"Yes. And we aren't able to Apparate there but we can Disapparate. You know, in case of an ambush."
"Oh, yeah! Tonks said-"
"Merlin, Hermione! All you've said is Tonks said! Tonks told me!" Harry exclaimed in annoyance.
Hermione stared at him in surprise, looking slightly hurt. "Harry, she is the only person I talk to."
"What do you mean by that? I talk to you. Ron talks to you."
"You are right Harry. You talk to me not with me. Now it's the first time we are really talking in weeks, Harry! I know this isn't your fault. I know you have to train but it's the truth." Hermione's voice sounded sad but not angry.
"Sorry, Mione. Do you forgive me?" he asked with puppy eyes.
"How could I not?" She smiled, giving him a kiss on his cheek. "Oh, Harry, can I borrow Hedwig?"
"Sure, do you want to send a letter to Luna?" he asked as he played with James little fingers.
"Oh, no! It's for Oliver. He-" Hermione was saying when Harry abruptly interrupted her.
"What? Wait a minute! You are sending a letter to Oliver? As in Oliver Wood?" he nearly shouted, his blood boiling.
"Of course, Harry! He sent us a letter of congratulations. You know, because of James-" Hermione commented absently.
"Ah, how nice of him!" Harry said with groan.
"Harry, please don't tell me you are jealous of Oliver!" Hermione's voice was stern but you could see that her eyes were sparkling.
"No. I'm not jealous, I just happen to think that him sending letters to you is a bit much! What did he want? Maybe he wants another chance!"
"Harry!" Hermione cried, fighting the urge to not laugh.
"Now, as the last straw you would say that Viktor is sending letters too!"
At that moment, Hermione's smile seemed to be ripped of her face. She was angry.
"You want the truth, Harry?" Hermione was yelling now. "Yes! Viktor is still writing me letters! He is my friend, you know!"
"Oh, Her-mi- own- nini, this isn't a problem for you, right? After all, I was your friend and I fucked you!" Harry shouted back, without really thinking. "Oh god, I am so sorry-"
With angry tears falling from her eyes, Hermione stood up and left the bedroom without saying a word.
Harry closed his eyes in despair for a minute. Then, he opened them again and looked at his son who was smiling innocently at him.
"Oh, little one, I think your dad made a huge mistake."
Lily Potter was packing when her husband came and questioned her, "Lil, do you think it's saved? I mean, I could-"
"No," she said exasperatedly, "you know that it has to be me, James. How many times do I have to say it?"
James Potter ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
"Lil, I know. But you can't ask me to be here with Harry waiting for you…"
"Yes, James, it's exactly what you have to do. You can't go, love. I am sorry."
"But Lily we know who is there and…and…you are a Muggleborn!"
"Yeah," she whispered, tears falling from her emerald eyes, "I know. And that's what makes me less important than you…and Harry."
"Lily! I am sure Filius-"
"You know what you are, James. I am only a Mudblood with green yes. Lovely green eyes."
Blur
Darkness
A baby.
"Please, not Harry! Not my Harry!"
A green light
"Nooo!"
Harry woke up with a jolt, after he heard a scream. Sleepy and lightly confused, he took his glasses and put them on. And from the couch where he was laying he saw Hermione crying in her sleep, her body, soaked wet in cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably against the bed's sheets.
AN: Well, that's chapter 24. I hope you liked it.
Now, just a few things:
* You may be wondering why Remus didn't say anything about Claire. Does he know who is she? Yes, he does- also Tonks. Why didn't they tell Hermione? You'll see. And don't forget- this chapter was Harry's POV. We don't know what Remus was thinking. ;-)
* The last chapter *clue/hint* was about the Death Eater identity AND what's really going on with Hermione...
I was a little surprised that NO ONE commented about what the Death Eater said. Tst Tst Tst...
* Oh, and I think next chapter will be a little happier....after all, we deserve a little of fluffiness, right?*
Thanks to anyone who read and review! :)