Chapter 2 - A Nail in My Coffin
HELP! I need help. Please, someone inform McGonagall…er, if I'm thinking clearly. Please, someone call the police…I mean the Aurors! Erm, no…the Minister of Magic. Yes, he will be able to help me… or, oh no. Better not. The UN… exactly, the UN is my rescue! Start the LERF - the Lily Evans Release Force! But people have more important things to do. Don't you think?
Or Mummy! Exactly, I want my mother. She always knew how to get spots out of my clothes - grass, oil or ketchup. She always had a panacea. But I'm babbling.
Still shocked, I stare at the chewing gum on my skirt. My favorite skirt! Even if all skirts look the same, this is my absolute favorite skirt!
"Okay," I say slowly, as if I'm explaining something in Charms. "You go left; I'll go right. Then the chewing gum will break. "
I move forward, but nothing happens. I turn around in order to make sure that I'm not slaving alone like a turtle that lies on his back and desperately tries to get up. But James apparently struggles just as much as I do. Our efforts in vain, we bounce back together like… as if we were stuck to something. Ha, ha. Yeah, just snicker if you can't hold it.
"We can't do it that way," James says matter-of-factly and apparently gives up. But then he says coolly, "Take off your skirt. "
I look at him. My eyes nearly pop out of my head. Everyone around us stops breathing. Only a bee hums happily past us.
"WHAT?" I explode.
"I didn't mean it that way…"
"I certainly will not take off my skirt in front of you!" I poke him in his muscular chest.
"Okay, Evans. Then don't. It was just a suggestion to help us get free."
"Well, then you can take off your trousers instead!" I return. See what he says to that.
"I certainly will not drop my trousers in front of you!" Potter folds his arms. Sirius whispers something to himself. It sounds suspiciously like, "Who believes that?"
"However, I should… oh never mind," I say, unnerved, while new smiles form on the lips of our friends.
There must be another way. Slowly, I calm down and brush some dust off of my blouse, which reminds me of the fact that I need to visit a bathroom.
"I absolutely must look in a mirror," I state and gather my things.
I have resigned to the fact that James Potter will stick to me until I find a solution.
"Are you coming?" I ask him. Surprised, he blinks at me briefly, but collects his things.
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"I'll never ever go in there!"
"Yes, you will. I need a mirror."
"Why? You're beautiful enough as it is."
"Nice try, but I want to go into the girls' bathroom this instant!"
"But there are girls in there!"
"And that's why they call it `the girls' bathroom'," I say patiently.
"But they will get hysterical if they see me in there!" he explains to me with eyes full of fear.
"Come on, they won't bite you," I try again.
"No, I won't go!"
"Fine, then I don't care! I'll go anyway!"
Grindingly, I try to enter the bathroom, but I don't reach my goal. James is like a rock in the surf.
"Come with me to the boys' bathroom."
"I will never set a foot in there!" I snap and cross my arms.
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Well, now guess where I am. In the boys' bathroom on the second floor. And I also never set foot in one because I'm levitated five centimeters above the ground.
"AHHHH, a girl!" cries a younger student and runs off like a maniac.
"That's your fault," I accuse James and dry my face. "I could get a detention for being in here!"
"Everything you've ever wanted." He smiles and stares at my hair, which I let free.
Oh wow, who would have thought it? My hair lies the way I want it.
"James! Ja-ames! JAMES!"
"Yeah?"
"We need to go to Transfiguration!" I remind him.
"Oh, coming." And we jog from the toilet. Well, more like James runs in front, and I float behind him like a balloon filled with helium. I just hope I don't sound like I'm filled with helium. Haha, just a joke. Oh, I think I'm going nuts. This is all driving me crazy, you see?
People stare at us. Mh, let me think about how we look together. James and I come out from the boys' bathroom together. My hair is spread in large curls over my shoulders. James's hair looks as untidy as ever, his cloak sits crooked, and part of his shirttail hangs over his waistband. We walk - or float, rather - closely next to each other and J.H.P has a hypnotic expression on his face and grins like a nincompoop.
Looks natural, as if we are stuck together because of chewing gum! What did you think?
Our so-called "friends" are already in the Transfiguration classroom. I move to sit in my usual place, when I get dragged off and suddenly sit beside James. Sirius will complain that his place is occupied.
"Hey, that's my seat!" he calls, insulted.
See! I just said that. I'm a genius!
"Padfoot, sit next to Emmeline."
"Whoopee!" And he rushes off.
Merlin, please give him a brain.
I am silent and take things from my bag.
My backside is in contact with the cold wooden surface of the chair. Hopefully, I won't get a splinter in my bottom. That would be embarrassing. Despite everything, we still excite no attention. All are busy with themselves. Hopefully, it will remain this way.
Suddenly, James moves to the side. Naturally, I move also because I simply cannot help it. And, tada! I fall to the side, push James of his chair, and…ouch! What was that?
But the pain that rushes through me is for once unimportant because I am busy trying to entangle myself from James. We lie like a sandwich on the floor. Someone whistles appreciatively. I'll bet it's Black. Hey, there's even some applause.
"Hey, you finally hooked up!" someone calls.
James and I look at each other. We are absolutely pissed. With as much elegance as possible, we try to rise without making ourselves look even more ridiculous than we already look. But how was it with the turtle or with the ant with the cookie?
We get better and finally sit again. Ouch, there is the pain again. It comes from… oh, you don't want to know. Oh, please no… that is… that is simply EMBARRASSING!
I try not to sit on my right buttock. Will this day never end? Oh, it's only 10 o'clock. HELP! But I cannot admit the fact that I have a splinter in my right buttock.
But what happens if I don't go to the hospital wing and Pomfrey doesn't take a look at my injury? Then it will inflame… and then it will pus… and then I'll get blood poisoning… and then I'll die!
As I said to you, Potter is the nail in my coffin!
Meanwhile, Professor McGonnie, as I call her, arrives in the classroom. She doesn't take any notice of my AWKWARD SITUATION!
Potter pushes a folded piece of parchment to me. What does he want? He can keep his garbage on his half of the table. I push it back again, unopened, and look to the front of the class.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a hand move and hear the sound of parchment again! The garbage is back on my side.
Stubbornly, I push it back.
He pushes it back to me again.
I push it back.
He pushes it again to me. Now, we press at the same time in opposite directions. We regard each other with set expressions. But then James gives up.
Hallelujah! I won. But that noise. Rustle of parchment! I look on the table. The sheet is unfolded.
What's wrong? Can you stop shoving the parchment back! Gonnie is already looking at us! I only want to know what's wrong with you. JP
Nothing is wrong with me! I feel just marvelous! LE
Yeah, sure. I can see your pain-distorted face!
If you really want to know, I have a splinter in my right buttock!
You're joking.
Do I look as if I'd degrade myself by telling you that I have a fragment of wood in my chocolate side unless it were true?
James looks anxiously at me then he scratches something on the paper.
Shall I take a look?
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