When One's Fancy Turns to Another
Chapter 5~Losing One's Self
A/N: a little more R/Hr in this, but stick with it, it's the last of that.
One of the few times in her life Hermione Granger was not thinking things through. Instead of calming down, stepping back, and thinking of things from a unbiased stand point, she was acting on feelings alone. As soon as she departed from the Burrow, she reappeared back in her apartment, thankful that she had finally gotten her permit for after hour apparating. She dashed straight back into her room and changed into ordinary robes, throwing her dress robes into her closet.
She then packed everything she had into any trunk, bag, or suitcase she could find, hoping that when McGonagall had said there would always be a place of Hogwarts, she had meant even in the middle of the night. She even pulled out her old Hogwart's trunk to fill with any book she had not given to Remus. Soon her room was bare except for her thrown dress robes that laid in her closet.
Hermione then levitated her luggage and took them into the living room. She went to the small fireplace and magically lit a fire. She then took some floo powder from the pot on top of the mantle and threw it in, crying "The Three Broomsticks!". Hermione one by one levitated her luggage into the fire as it all disappeared.
Hermione then dashed over and wrote a quick letter. She then quickly stuffed it into an envelope and called for Hedwig, who had been following her around the apartment. Hedwig landed on her shoulder, giving Hermione a very hurt look.
"Hedwig, don't look like that," said Hermione stroking the owl. "I have to go, I can't be here now. I can't stand seeing him…" said Hermione as she almost broke into tears. Hedwig nipped her finger affectionately as though she wanted to say she understood.
Hermione wiped her eyes and handed Hedwig the envelope.
"Please take this to Ron for me, "said Hermione as Hedwig took the letter. "And look out for Harry as well,"
Hedwig hooted softly and took off to the nearest window. Hermione grabbed Crookshanks and dashed to the fireplace as fast as she could before she changed her mind, not noticing that her letter had not been properly sealed.
Harry ran as fast as he could to the burrow, without knowing why. He had been sure Hermione had chosen Ron, but the look on her face when she saw him kissing Ginny had seem to tell a different story. Harry had to find her and explain. He had to know how she truly felt. Harry made it to the front of the house and saw Hermione talking to Ron through the window. He then saw her step back and disappear.
Harry knew there were only two places she might go. He debated on which to check out first and quickly made a choice. Unfortunately it was the wrong one. Harry apparated to the Granger's living room. He walked quickly through the house calling Hermione's name, but the house was silent and empty. He ran up the stairs and then out to the back garden hoping to catch a glimpse of curly brown hair or dark blue dress robes. Finally Harry decided she was not there, and he apparated to his own apartment. Harry stood in front of his door with his heart beating very fast. He just knew she would be in there, and soon he would find out how she truly felt. Hoping like never before that she would return his feelings, Harry opened the door.
Harry walked into the apartment. The only sound he heard was the crackling of a small fire burning in the fire place. Harry's heart sunk, he was too late, she must have flooed somewhere. Harry walked quickly to her room, noticing the absence of Crookshanks in the apartment. He pushed open Hermione's door to find only furniture. All of her pictures and personal items where gone.
Harry went to her closet and opened the door to find only her forgotten dress robes. He bent over and picked them up. Harry slumped down on Hermione's bed, clutching her robes. With every breath Harry took, his nostrils were filled with the scent coming off the dress robes. It was Hermione's scent. That indescribable scent that seemed to always remind him of spring.
Harry slowly got off Hermione's bed and walked into the living room, still absent mindly clutching her robes. He walked over to the fire place to find the floo pot moved and floo powder spread over the mantle. Harry's head fell as he felt tears come to his eyes.
Somehow in spite of his tears a piece of paper on the floor caught his eye. Harry laid Hermione's dress robes on a nearby chair and walked over to the letter. He kneeled down and picked the letter up. Harry quickly took his glasses off and wiped them on his own dark green robes. After placing his glasses back on, Harry unfolded the letter with shaking hands.
As Harry's eyes read over the letter, every feature on Harry's face seem to sag. Coming quickly to the end, Harry looked up and sighed. Harry walked to his room and through the letter onto the mantle as he passed. Written quickly in Hermione's writing were the words:
I'm sorry I couldn't return your feelings. You're everything anyone could want and that includes me, but my heart already belongs to another. Know that I love you, and will always be there when you need me. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
Love from
Hermione.
Harry packed up a trunk's worth of clothes. He walked into the living room with his trunk trailing behind him. He walked over to where Hedwig's cage laid next to the chair that held Hermione's dress robes. As he bent over to pick up the empty cage, Hermione' scent once again filled his senses. Harry knew that smell would haunt him for many days to come. Harry walked back over to his trunk and placed Hedwig's cage on top of his trunk. Grabbing the handle, Harry dissapparated to a place he knew he could be alone.
Harry retreated to a place he never thought he would come back. He walked down a dirty street towards some very dilapidated houses. He stood looking at the small space between number ten and eleven. Then before his eyes number twelve Grimmauld Place appeared before him just like it always did. Harry walked up to the old door and muttered a spell he had almost forgotten.
The old door screeched in protest as it opened, letting the smell of old neglected house out into the night air. Harry walked slowly into the large house and slumped down on a old couch in one of the front rooms not even minding to take off the sheet that covered it. Harry looked around at the old house and shook his head. He didn't know why he had come here.
For some reason he couldn't stand to be in the apartment he had been sharing with Hermione, but this place where he was now did not improve his mood. The house reeked or memories of days gone by. Harry could swear he could almost hear Sirius' bark like laugh coming down the stairs Or he could see the Weasley twins apparating, laughing at something. He could almost imagine Ginny sliding down the banister just to annoy her mother. And if Harry listen closely, he could almost here the running of feet on the hardwood that always signaled Ron and Hermione meeting him for the first time over the summer.
Harry had spent part of every summer here after his fifth year. He even came here for Christmas his firth and seventh years. Harry smile as he remembered his Godfather walking around singing nonsense Christmas carols. His fifth year he had come to Grimwald Palace sure he had been possessed by Voldemort himself. Harry remembered locking himself away from the rest of the group, convinced he was a threat to them. Harry leaned back on the old sheet covered couch and remembered that it was Hermione that had brought him out of his solitude, no letting him sulk on his own.
This thought brought Harry to his seventh year Christmas in this place. Suddenly in Harry's mind it was Christmas eve of that year. A bright fire was blazing in the old fire place to his left and a handsome fairy lit Christmas tree was set up in front of the window.
A seventeen year old Harry Potter sat on the same couch the twenty year old one did now. The younger one knew that the time of the end of the war was near. He knew his time to face Voldemort was coming. Seventeen year old Harry Potter glanced up the stairs thinking of his friends, knowing they would want to come along. He knew that they would want to be there with him, and would give up there lives for him.
Harry's thoughts first turned to Neville. Neville had turned into a capable wizard, and had really seemed to come into his own. It wasn't fair for him to have to put his life into danger after what he had been through. And then there was Ginny and Ron, two loved by such a large family. The Weasley's had suffered enough with the loss of Bill and Percy. And losing Ron would be like losing a brother.
Finally Harry's thoughts shifted to Hermione. The girl who had been there since his first year at Hogwarts. The girl who had been by his side even when he didn't want her to be. Harry knew that she would follow him anywhere. His logical side tried to tell him she was fully capable of taking care of herself, but the strong feeling in him was to protect her. Losing her would be like losing the part of his soul that pushed him to go on and believe in the good in the world.
Harry couldn't let anything happen to any of his friends. He knew he had been distant with all of them lately. He would just have to keep it up and hopefully push them away for now. Harry had decided this when again Hermione came again to bring him out of his solitude.
"Harry, what are doing up so late?" asked Hermione coming down the stairs.
"Couldn't sleep, what are you doing?"
"I was studying, and I got thirsty," answered Hermione coming to sit by Harry on the couch.
"Studying the night before Christmas?" asked Harry shifting a bit as she sat down.
"I couldn't sleep either, and studying is what I do when I can't think of anything else to do. What were you thinking about, Harry?"
"Nothing really."
"Don't give me that. I know something is going on with you. You've been distant and down right mean to everyone lately."
"I haven't meant to be," said Harry dully.
"Oh yes you have, " said Hermione loudly. "Harry, don't you think we all know what you are doing?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Yes, you do. You're playing the lone hero, trying to save all his friends by cutting himself off from them."
Harry didn't say anything as he avoided looking at Hermione.
"Well, Harry, its not going to work. We aren't going anywhere. We want to be here with you, helping you. So you might as well give up on this little scheme of yours."
"Give up on it?" said Harry loudly. " Don't you realize that would be like just giving up all of your lives?"
"We know the risk," said Hermione quietly. "We are willing to take them."
"Well, I'm not willing to give you up," said Harry getting up from the couch and walking over by the large tree.
Hermione hesitated and then walked over and stood in front of him, forcing him to look at her.
"Harry, I'm not willing to give you up either," said Hermione soothingly. "You symbolize so much hope in this world. With out you we don't have a chance."
Harry scoffed at this.
"And you mean so much to me," said Hermione quietly. " When I think of losing you its like a part of this world that I now call home is missing. Without you in this world Harry, I'm not sure I belong, " finished Hermione as tears filled her eyes.
Harry felt tears sting his own green eyes. Without even realizing he was doing it, Harry pulled Hermione into his arms and held her as she broke down. Harry buried his own head into her brown hair while his own tears fell. Hermione then pulled back and wiped her eyes with one of her hands.
Hermione looked up at Harry and for a long moment neither could look away. Harry stared into Hermione's brown eyes, as it hit him how much this girl meant to him. Harry moved his hand to her face and wiped away a tear that still lingered on her check. Hermione reached up and caught his hand, holding it with her own.
Harry moved his face down and rested his hot forehead that burned continuously on her own cool one. For a while the two friends stood there like that, with Harry's hand on Hermione's face with her hand covering it, with their foreheads touching. Finally Hermione spoke.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"No, its me who should be sorry, " said Harry just as quietly. "I should realize I can't do this without you.
And when Harry said you he realized he was only thinking of her at the moment, but Hermione didn't catch that.
"We'll all be here for you, Harry, " said Hermione breaking away. "No matter what it takes."
Suddenly twenty year old Harry was back in his present world. The room was dark as it was not lit by a blazing fire or large fairly filled Christmas tree. Harry felt a tear escape from his eye as he remembered the first time he had realized in was in love with Hermione. Of course then he didn't know it, but now he could look back and pin point that exact moment.
Harry let his tears fall as he curled up on the couch in again his solitude and this time he knew the only person who could bring him out of it wouldn't be coming.
After two weeks, Hermione was very settled at Hogwarts. Although, Hermione had turned up in the middle of the night with a tear stained face, Professor McGonagall asked no questions. She simply lead Hermione to her room.
The next few days, though it was unprecedented, Professor McGonagall gradually turned over every Transfiguration class except the advanced N.E.W.T one to Hermione. Hermione seemed to have found her calling as a teacher. She was liked by most of the students at Hogwarts, even though she was known to be a little strict and to expect much out of all her students.
Although everything was going well at Hogwarts, and Hermione felt very welcomed, she knew she wasn't happy. She tried to tell herself to get over Harry. She tried to convince her self that it was useless to even hope that one day it would be different, but her usual logical mind just wouldn't give into any common sense this time.
While being at Hogwarts was wonderful in some many ways, it was also very painful. Every corner of the old castle held some sort of memory of Harry. Even certain times when a breeze would blow through the halls, it would bring with it some smell that would take Hermione's mind back to her younger days running through the halls with Harry and Ron. Back to the days when she was falling for Harry.
Time passed and the night before Halloween, Hermione took a late night stroll by the bathroom where Harry and Ron had saved her from the troll. She stopped in front of the door and allowed her self a bitter sweet smile. She tried to walk back to her room, but something was keeping her at that spot. Then it hit her, no matter what happened both Ron and Harry would always be a part of her life. She could try to run away from both of them, but they would always be with her.
At that moment she wanted to see them both, to spend the next day with them. Of course she could admit to her self she wanted to see one more than the other. After all she loved them both, but only one could fill that empty place she felt inside of her.
The next day was a Saturday so there were no classes. Hermione let herself sleep in as she was feeling depressed. Slowly after she slept through breakfast, Hermione got up an dressed in her robes, knowing that today was a Hogsmead day and it was her turn to travel to the town to keep an eye on the students. She had just finished pining her long curly hair up when a knock sounded at her door. Hermione walked quickly and opened the door to find Remus smiling at her.
"Remus, " said Hermione opening the door wider. " Do come in."
"No, I just wanted to let you know I will be walking to Hogsmead today and taking the responsibility of watching the students."
"But I was…" began Hermione but Remus cut her off.
"You have a visitor in the Great Hall waiting for you. I think he will take up most of you time, " said Remus and he gave her hand a friendly squeeze and a gave her a small wink.
Remus then left and Hermione stood frozen at the door. Could it possibly be? Could her wish from last night come true, and Harry had actually come to see her? Hermione quickly walked from her living quarters and let the door slam behind her. She picked up her pace as she walked down stairs and through hidden passages to get to the Great Hall.
Finally she reached the main door to the hall and stood in front of it ,her heart beating wildly. Taking a deep breath, Hermione opened the door with her head down. She walked into the hall and looked up to see Ron Weasley smiling at her from the empty Gryffindor table.
Hermione felt herself go pale and a frown come to her face as she realized it was Ron, not Harry who had come to see her. Hermione shook her head and let a smile come to her lips. Of course she was glad to see Ron, he was one of her best friends. Hermione hurriedly walked over to Ron got up from the table and met her with a hug.
"I should have come and met you at your room, but I was having too much of a time reminiscing here so Remus volunteered, " said Ron.
"What are you doing here, Ron? Isn't the fall Quidditch season in full swing?" asked Hermione sitting down at the table.
"Yea, it is," said Ron as he sat down gingerly. "But I had a bit of an accident."
"An accident?" said Hermione worriedly, "What happened? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, I had a bit of a fall. The healers cleaned me up the best they could, but I have to take some time off to recover. Oh, don't look so horrified. I'll be alright."
"Oh, Ron I didn't know. I should have kept better tabs on your games. I've just been so busy."
"Teaching harder than you thought?" asked Ron smiling at her.
"Maybe a little," said Hermione grinning back at him.
The two friends talked a while as they sat at the Gryffindor table. Hermione nearly imagined herself as a student again as she listened to Ron. Finally the two decided to head to Hogsmead.
It was a beautiful fall day and the town was full of students and travelers. Ron first took Hermione into Zonko's to show her how they now sold some of Fred and George's newest items. Hermione giggled wildly as a trick Quill smacked Ron in the face as he tried to figure out what it did. Ron turned red for a moment but then shared in the laugh with his friend. After that, the two went to the Three Broomsticks to share more memories over mugs of butter beer.
Ron bought their drinks and they sat at a table in the back of the room. Hermione noticed that some of the students would turn and gape at Ron, no doubt in awe of their Quidditch hero.
"I see you've caused quite a stir," said Hermione smiling as Ron handed her a drink.
Ron shook his head at her and took a swig of his own drink.
"You get kind of used to it after a while. You have to watch it or it gives you a big head."
"Oh, and you're not in any danger of that are you?" said Hermione jokingly.
"Well, maybe it got to me at first, but I've learned to just enjoy it for what it is. Besides it won't last forever."
"I suppose not," said Hermione.
The two drank in silence for a moment,.
"So, how is everyone?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, pretty well. Ginny got a permanent position at The Daily Prophet."
"That's great," said Hermione a little unenthusiastically. She couldn't get the thought of Ginny kissing Harry out of her head. She was glad when Ron continued on.
"And Charlie's accepted a position in the Control of Magical creatures department of the Ministry so he will be closer to home."
"Bet you're mom's happy about that."
"You have no idea. And then of course mom and dad are the same and Fred and George are of course richer everyday."
The two talked on about old friends they had seen lately. Neither said a word about Harry. The two seemed to have an unspoken understanding to stay clear of that subject. After two hours, Ron stood up and grabbed Hermione by the hand pulling her up as well.
"Walk with me, ok?"
The two walked slowly due to Ron's injury to the outskirts of Hogsmead until for some reason they found themselves all alone in front of the shrieking shack. Ron sat on a old fence that stood there while Hermione watched him.
She couldn't deny that today was one of the best she had in while. Ron had made her smile again, made her feel a little like her old self. Hermione walked a little closer to her old friend. She couldn't deny that she was attracted to him. Who wouldn't be? He was certainty not the gangly, freckled red hair boy she had remember.
For some reason Hermione was feeling strange. She walked a little closer to Ron who was watching her in turn. She looked at her friend, and wondered for the first time since he had spoken his feelings to her, that maybe she could love him like that. She didn't want to be alone forever did she?
Ron hopped down off the fence and walked up to Hermione. He swept away a few stray curls that had escaped from her pulled up hair. Hermione looked up into his bright eyes as they looked into her dark brown ones. She seem to lose herself for a moment. All she knew was she could count the few small freckles on Ron's nose as he came closer. And before she knew it, she was letting herself be kissed by Ron Weasley.