Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, and the only profit I am making off of this is the satisfaction of a job well done, well at least a job done who knows how "well" it is.
AN: Slightly AU - This is an idea I had a while ago, but it took me quite a while to get it to the state its in now. It begins right after OoTP and it is my take on why things went the way they did in HBP. This part is more about Harry's thoughts than anything, but if I continue this we'll see more HHR interaction.
Thanks to dtown_curly_q for beta-ing this, its much better than I could have done on my own.
Title: Memories of What Might Have Been
Rating: PG13
Pairings: HHR
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It seems like it all happened yesterday, but in reality, it has been about two years. Two years of not remembering, of not feeling, and then, all of the sudden, my world came crashing down on me. Imagine standing by a dam when it breaks and being crushed, then drowned, by the water. This is how I feel right now. I'm not breaking down because of what I have just done, but because of the decision I made two years ago. . .
I was just about to walk out of the hospital wing at Hogwarts, starting to once again blame myself for Sirius' death, and then I looked back at her. She was sitting up in her bed talking to our friends. I don't think she saw me, which was a good thing. I knew at that point that I loved her. At the Ministry, when she was felled by that curse, my life stopped. It wasn't until Neville told me about her pulse that I finally came to. At the time I figured it was just because of how close we were as friends, but seeing her, especially in her weakened state, I couldn't deny it anymore. I was in love with Hermione Granger.
As I sat on the ground, next to the empty shell of the "man" who had defined so much of my life, his wand snapped in half in my hands, I had to cry. All of the feelings I was supposed to experience during the last two years came flooding out of me. I knew that it was my decision and that the consequences were explained to me, but I couldn't believe it. I decided to close my eyes for a while before I got up to find Remus. I really wanted to find her, but I needed to come to terms first, and there was only one person who could help with that.
"Harry, how are you feeling? I was worried when I got your owl," Remus asked, as he appeared in my room on Privet Drive.
"I'm okay Remus, but I have a favor to ask," I replied, and he immediately put on a serious face.
"I need to forget a few things for a while. . ." I began.
"Harry, you know that Sirius' death was not your fault; you can't-" but I cut him off before he could continue.
"No, that's not what I'm talking about. Well, it is a little, but not really. There are things that need to be forgotten, or, well, I need to forget. . .but I just. . .er, let me start over. . ." I took a deep breath, knowing how difficult this was going to be.
"I know that Voldemort is just looking for ways to get to me through my friends and loved ones. He used my love for Sirius to get me to the Ministry, and it worked; I don't want that to happen again. I will continue working on Occlumency, but I need something more."
"Harry, what are you asking?" Remus inquired, now completely confused, if the look on his face was any indication.
"I need to forget that I love some people," I replied as I put my head down, finally saying it out loud.
"People, or one person?" Remus asked with a glint in his eye.
Before answering, I battled with myself, but I knew I could trust Remus.
"Okay, only one person, but maybe it should be for everyone."
"Does she know? I mean, will we need to include anyone else in these discussions?" He continued before I had a chance to interrupt.
"No, she doesn't know, and she can't; no one can until this is all over," I answered.
Remus sighed and took a while to comment. I can only assume that he was trying to formulate his response so I wouldn't snap at him.
"What if she feels the same? Don't you think it's rather unfair to make this decision for her?"
It was now my turn to take a while to respond, but eventually I looked at him with tired eyes and replied,
"Remus, I don't know how she feels, but this has to be done. The reasons are too numerous. Believe me; this is the only way," I hoped that he would understand, and thankfully he did.
"I'll look into what I can do, but it may take a few weeks," Remus said as he got up, "Take care of yourself, and remember your training." And with that he disappeared.
For most of the holiday we tried to meet every other day or so, that way we could research what our options were. You could say that I enjoyed spending time out of Privet Drive, but the reason for the reprieve kept rearing its ugly head. I remember now how I would try to close my mind off, for fear that he would see my deepest desires. Looking back on it, I don't know if I succeeded or if he just wasn't interested, because I dreamed about her every night.
As the holiday came to an end, we decided on what we would do. Before we began anything, I would cast a modified Fidelius charm on Remus, and I would act as the Secret Keeper. This way, Remus couldn't accidentally let anything slip without my permission. This was, of course, a difficult spell, but we figured out how to make it work. After the charm had been cast, Remus would place a complicated memory charm on me. Although I was hoping for more specific results, Remus explained that there were limitations to what we could do.
As I saw Remus enter my room, I knew that he was ready, but I also knew he was going to once again try and talk me out of it.
"Okay, before we start this, I want to make sure that this is truly what you want," He asked, knowing he could not win the argument, but trying anyway.
"Remus, I told you, this has to be done. I can't control these feelings, and I don't want him to find out about them," I replied, just like I had the other dozen or so times he brought this up.
"Which Ôhim' are we talking about?" That damn glint was in his eye again.
"How about I say both of them, just so we can avoid the whole Ron discussion again," I replied.
A few days before, he asked me the same question, and before I had a chance to answer, he started talking about Ron and what he would think about these new developments. I had forgotten that Remus was like a father to me and that he could read me quite well. I relented and explained that Ron was just one more reason for this to happen.
"Very well then, before we begin anything, I need to explain what is going to happen. Obviously, I cannot cast a charm on you so you forget just this one emotion."
"Why not, I thought that's what we agreed on," I replied, starting to get angry.
"Think about it Harry. First, the human mind is very complex. I would not be able to remove any and all thoughts about her and how you feel; it is just too great a feat. Second, think of your mind as a photograph. If I removed that one emotion, it would be like cutting out a face from a photograph: You could see that something was missing, and it wouldn't take too long to piece everything together. Rather, what we have to do is dull all of the emotions that are similar to it, and thereby we can truly hide what we want. This is why I want to make sure this is what you want."
My grave expression got even graver. "What will it feel like, losing all of those emotions?"
"Well, I cannot say for sure, but you will most likely feel some things, but not others. For example, when you think of Sirius, you may remember how much you cared for him, but the feelings associated with his death will be lessened, or vice versa."
"Huh? You mean that I could feel as depressed as I do now about his death, but I won't remember why? This is getting better by the minute."
"Yes, that could happen, but I have tried to just deaden more recent emotions, which means that that result is unlikely. Anyway, continuing on," He smiled, but I could tell that he was none too happy with how this was progressing.
"Your true feelings may appear sometimes, but they will be replaced with others very quickly. In fact, it will be so quick that sometimes you will feel as if feelings appear out of nowhere," He continued.
"What do you mean?"
"In order to insure that your feelings for her are completely masked, we will need to Ôredirect' these emotions to someone or something else. This way your mind will seem to be following the proper paths so someone reading your thoughts won't notice the loss."
"Wait, that means that someone else will be put into danger; that's defeating the purpose," Again, I felt my anger rising, not at Remus, but rather the situation.
"Harry, we need to make this as natural a feeling as possible, but since we are deadening your emotions, it won't feel the same. I'm not saying that someone else couldn't be in danger, but it is a choice that you need to make."
"Do I have to choose someone, or will my mind just switch on to them?" I asked, although, as I did, I couldn't imagine having to choose someone as a target.
"No, we will not choose a specific person; we'll let your mind do that. Of course, you have to remember that this spell will make you susceptible to any spells or potions that affect these types of emotions. For instance, let's say that you come across a love potion like Amorentia, you won't even have to ingest any in order to be effected. The good thing about this side effect is that all love potions and the like are temporary, and if you are not constantly exposed to it, the affect will diminish."
"Okay, but since I won't remember this conversation anyway, it won't do me any good."
"Yes, that is correct, but when the spell wears off, you will remember everything that happened, and I want you to be prepared for what may happen. Although, to be honest, only a fool would bring things like love potions into a school, but it has happened before."
I was just about to speak, but Remus continued, looking even more serious than before, and I couldn't help but wonder how much worse this could get.
"Okay, here is the last problem with this charm. Because we are altering your emotions, we are also taking away some inhibitions. You may find yourself walking into situations that you would normally know are dangerous, but you will feel very little, if any apprehension. Considering you already take more chances than you should, this could cause very serious problems."
"Remus, is this just another way for you to talk me out of doing this?"
"No Harry, I know that we are going to do this, but you need to understand that once the Fidelius charm is cast on me, I cannot tell anyone, including you, what is going on, which means that if something happens to you, I will be left with the knowledge of what I had done. Sorry, but I don't feel like having that on my head." Remus looked even more tired than he normally did, and it was at this point that I realized what I was really asking of him.
"Remus, I'm sorry; I forgot that this was going to be hard on you too. I know I've explained myself before, but you need to know why this has to be done. The obvious reason is because I love her, and I don't want that being used against me, but there are other reasons. When I saw Hermione lying in the Department of Mysteries after that curse, I couldn't do anything, I wasn't even able to string a complete thought together, let alone curse anyone. What would I do if that happened when I was up against Voldemort? I understand that if this works and something does happen to her I will have to live with the knowledge that I kept it from her, but I need to be as focused as possible. This isn't just about having her be safe. I need to be able to react without any Ôinhibitions', as you said. Otherwise, I will be second guessing way too much."
"I know, Harry. I just wish there was another way to do this."
"There isn't; otherwise, we would have found it. The holidays are almost over, and this needs to happen before I go back."
I was sounding a lot more sure of myself that I really was, but I knew is had to happen.
"Remus, why don't we do this tomorrow. I think I need one more night to remind myself who I am doing this for."
With that, he got up quietly and hugged me like any father would his son.
"Harry, I want you to know that I will do everything I can to help you."
"I know."
The next day Remus came by and we finally set our plan into motion. As it turned out casting the two charms took only a half-hour or so. After all that preparation, my entire life changed in thirty minutes.
I blinked my eyes open, "Hey Remus, what are you doing here?"
I was very confused, but considering I had been in an immense depression ever since Sirius died, that didn't surprise me much.
"Well, I came by to see how you were doing. Things have been rough these last few weeks."
"Weeks, school just ended. . . " I really couldn't remember when school got out, or what was going on, for that matter.
"I can see that Sirius' death has left you a little out of sorts."
Before he could continue, I interrupted, "Actually, I'm feeling better about it. Sure, I miss him, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."
Remus was smiling when he responded, "That's good to hear. You know Sirius wouldn't want you to blame yourself about this. By the way, have you heard from Ron or Hermione lately?" There was a curiosity in his eyes that I couldn't place.
"Well, to be honest, I don't think so, but I can't be too sure," Part of me started to react to her name, but immediately it disappeared leaving me to wonder what was going on. I must have seemed concerned, because Remus interrupted my thoughts.
"Harry, I'm sure its nothing. I bet that you'll hear from them in no time, and it will be like old times. You're probably just tired."
"I'm sure you're right. I feel really exhausted; maybe I'll head to bed. Do you mind?" As I looked up I could almost see a faint look of triumph in his eyes.
"No problem, I'll let myself out. Take care of yourself Harry. If you need anything, please let me know," He gave me a hug and left me with my sleep and dreams.
That night, I remember dreaming about her, although I didn't recognize the face. Looking back on it, it was definitely Hermione. We were lying under a tree together; I had my head in her lap and was enjoying the feel of her hands playing with my hair. As I looked up so I could see her face, a bright light seemed to shine down and blind me, and before I knew it, I startled myself up and spent the next few hours trying to calm myself down.
So here I find myself, fresh off the battlefield sitting in the Shrieking Shack with the man who had carried my burden for me. I can see the pain in his eyes. I had seen it throughout the last two years, but I didn't know why until now.
"Okay Remus, tell me about it." I know I'm in for a long night, but I need to work through this.
"Well Harry, I guess you know exactly what happened the summer before your sixth year. We made a decision . . . "
"You mean, I made a decision. Remus, I forced you into this position and I played with people's emotions. I can't believe I was so stupid." I interrupt.
"Listen, I know you think that what WE did was wrong, but I know it was what needed to happen. Think about the last two years. . . "