Disclaimer: JKR owns all; I only borrow.
Author's Note: This is an angsty fic-consider yourself warned! Character death and possible tissue warning!
The End of a Love Story
Day 17
Dear Harry,
I suppose some people might call it crazy to write to you when I know you're gone-but somehow (and this might be crazy) I can't help but believe that you'll be able to read this. I don't believe you'll be able to write back or respond in any way but I do believe that somehow, some way, you'll know what I write to you.
I need to believe it; I need to write to you. I don't know how I'll go on if I don't.
It's been 17 days, Harry. Today is the first day I've been able to even think of you without crying; I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. I've cried for you but mostly, I think, I've been crying for me, for our kids and our grandkids. I've cried because you won't get to see little Kat leave for Hogwarts. I've cried because you won't get to see Melanie or Anna or David or Eric get married. I've cried because I will be alone now.
Emily, Andy and Sabrina will be visiting and bringing their kids with them often, I know, and Ron comes by every day. But I will still be alone. I will always be alone now.
I've cried because I'm afraid. I'm so afraid now, Harry. I can hear your voice in my head telling me that I'm the strongest and the bravest person you know-but, Harry, don't you know that I was strong and brave and all those things for you, because of you? You made me stronger and braver, better than I would have been. It was always you. I went into danger and faced it all, not because I was brave but because you were there and beside you was the only place I wanted to be. Now… I'm not so brave anymore.
I'm scared, Harry. I'm scared of tomorrow… I'm scared of how I'm going to live through the next day and the next day and the next day and the day after that… and every day for the rest of my life…
I haven't told this to anyone else; I know you understand why. I've had to be strong for the kids-little Kat is still too young to quite understand where you've gone and why you're not going to be back. I've had to be strong-for everyone, really.
I've had to be strong so I haven't let myself think about it, as if not thinking about it will make it go away.
But now, to you, Harry-and only to you-I'll confess just how scared I am.
To you, as always, I'll show you how weak I am.
I miss you so much, darling. I miss your smile and your laugh; I miss the way you used to hold me. I miss the sound of your breathing at night. It's so quiet-too quiet-in our bedroom every night now; the bed is too big, too empty, without you lying beside me.
I've been sleeping mostly in Emily's old room because of that. I tried to sleep in our bedroom for the first time two nights ago and I just couldn't. I'll try again tonight-I know you wouldn't want me to be a coward, Harry-and hopefully, tonight, I'll be able to sleep.
I love you, Harry. I keep thinking now that I should have told you more often even though I know you knew and I know you understood. I keep thinking now that I should have told you every day that I loved you, how happy you made me, that I've never regretted marrying you for one minute in all our 62 years of marriage.
I can see your smile, love, even feel your arms around me as you tell me that it doesn't matter, that you always knew it, that you felt the same way.
I suppose I am being silly-a foolish, sentimental old woman. (And you needn't smile at me and tell me that I'm never foolish or silly; I am sometimes and you know it so don't flatter me, Harry.)
But I do keep thinking that I should have told you even one more time that I loved you and that I would feel better if I had.
So, Harry, I love you. I've always loved you and I will love you for the rest of my life. With everything I am and everything I have been and every breath in my body, I love you.
Goodnight, my dear.
Love,
Your Hermione
Day 43
I dreamed of you last night, Harry. I dreamed of you and for the first time, when I woke up and realized it was only a dream, I didn't cry or even feel like crying. For the first time, I could smile in the morning.
I know I've been wallowing, Harry, and feeling sorry for myself. I won't anymore, I promise you, darling. I'll be better; I'll be stronger; I'll live again.
I realized this morning that I still am very lucky. I may not have you now but I had you for more than 60 years; we were together for more than 60 years and those years of happiness are worth everything. I still have our children and our grandchildren who all love me and visit regularly; I still have Ron and the Weasleys and our other friends. I'm still healthy and I still have my work. I really am very lucky.
I won't pity myself anymore, darling. I know you're smiling now and saying that you always knew I was strong, that I could survive. Yes, Harry, you were right. (And now, you may as well enjoy my admitting that because I don't know if I'll admit it again for at least a few years. I'm not wrong very often, you know.)
But I know now that I will survive, that I can live and even be happy. Not as happy as I was-but I can still be happy.
I love you.
Day 115
Happy birthday, darling. We're both 85 now; how does it feel?
Did you ever think, love, when we were at Hogwarts that you and I would grow into our 80's together?
I found myself remembering our Hogwarts days especially, today. I received my Hogwarts letter 74 years ago today, you know. I remember how excited I was, how concerned my parents were at first about the idea of my going off to a strange new boarding school which they didn't even know where it was located. I wonder, now that I think about it, why I wasn't more scared myself. And yet, I wasn't. I was excited. I remember thinking that it explained so much about why I'd always felt so different, why some odd little things kept happening to me. I remember that I was so happy to discover that there was this whole world of new and different subjects to read about and learn about. I remember being a little nervous, at first, that I wouldn't be able to keep up because magic and the wizarding world was all so new to me-and I made up my mind that I would read every book I possibly could to learn about this new world.
I remember how much I hoped that I'd finally have friends, since I would (I thought) finally be around people who were strange, like me.
Little Kat received her Hogwarts letter today, of course. She was so delighted and so relieved. I think (poor dear) she's been just a little bit worried that they might forget to send her letter or something. You remember how excited she was when Julie and Robert left for Hogwarts; she was almost dancing around on Platform 9 and 3/4 when they were saying their goodbyes and promising to owl at least once every two weeks. Of course, Sabrina is mourning the fact that their house will seem so empty with all the children gone once Hogwarts starts.
Do you remember, love, the day Sabrina started Hogwarts? Of course you would. You really were crazy, as I told you, to fly alongside the train for so long. I told you she would be just fine-and she was!
I'll be going with Sabrina and Kat sometime next week to Diagon Alley to pick up Kat's things for the school year; Kat insisted that I come with them, the little sweetheart. And although I didn't actually intend to come, you know I could never resist her little pout and then her bright smile when I give in. (Of course, you were even worse than I am, which was why you never even really tried to resist her and always gave in once she asked you for something. You know she took shameless advantage of that, Harry.)
Imagine, love, our youngest grandchild starting Hogwarts… Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that one day we would even have grandchildren to send to Hogwarts? It still seems amazing to me sometimes when I think about it-that we stayed best friends, that we married and had children and that our children are all grown up now.
But then, I suppose, it isn't so amazing when I think that, somehow, some way, we were always meant to be together. I do believe that, somehow. We were always meant to be…
I miss you.
Day 167
I woke myself up by crying this morning.
I dreamed of you again last night, Harry, and somehow, even in my dream, I was aware that it was all a dream, that I'd never see you smile that way at me again, that I'd never hear your voice say my name in that way I loved again… And suddenly I just couldn't bear it. I miss you so much, my darling. I miss you and miss you and miss you… so much, every day, every hour…
I've been getting better; I haven't cried; I've stopped dreaming of you every night.
But somehow, today, I just miss you so much. Oh Harry, I wish you were here! Not only because if you were here, I wouldn't need to miss you-but because you were always the one who could comfort me the best.
I hate having to wake up from bad dreams and not have you to put your arms around me. I hate not having you to hold me as I fall back asleep. I hate not being able to listen to your voice murmuring soothing, comforting little words.
Oh, darling, I know that somehow, you are still with me. You're always with me, in my heart and in my soul-but it's not the same. I want to see you, hear you, touch you…
I know you'd want me to be stronger, that you hate to see me cry. And I will be strong, I will be brave again…
But not today, not right now.
Today, I'm going to let myself cry.
Today, I'm going to let myself cry and I'll imagine that you're with me, that you're holding me the way you used to… Today, I'll let myself imagine that you'll be with me again when I wake up and you'll smile and you'll wipe away my tears and you'll kiss me and you'll tell me that you'll never leave me again…
Just for today, I'll be weak…
Day 365
It's been one year today, dearest. One year since you've been gone.
I can hardly believe it. It seems as if it's been both too long and too short a time for it to have been one year.
Sometimes it seems as if you've been gone for so much longer than a year, as if I've been alone for so much longer than only a year. And at the same time, I can't believe it's been so long.
I still find myself thinking, "I must tell Harry this," often during the day, whenever anything funny or interesting or sad or joyful happens. I still find myself turning to find you at various times during the day, only to remember that you're not there. I still find myself looking for you sometimes, still imagine I hear your voice in a crowd, still imagine I can hear your laugh…
It hasn't been a bad year for me. It's been hard-so very hard sometimes, especially at first, and so very lonely-but it hasn't been a bad year. I wondered how I'd survive, how I'd go on living, without you; I wasn't even sure I could live without you. Now, I know I can. It's not the same; it can't be the same-but I know now that I can live. I can smile and laugh and enjoy myself.
Ron will be arriving soon. We're going together to the memorial ceremony the Ministry is holding. It's going to be at Hogwarts; we both insisted it needed to be at Hogwarts and the Ministry agreed even though they'd originally wanted it to be held at the Ministry itself or at the site of the last battle or somewhere. Hogwarts is having a holiday today for the ceremony so that all the students may attend.
I've agreed to speak at the ceremony, although at first I wasn't sure I wanted to. But I decided I should. After all, I do know you better than anyone else; I was with you for everything.
I won't tell you what I plan to say; after all, we can't have you becoming too cocky now, can we, love? But I will tell you my main message for today's ceremony: you are a hero. You're a hero, not because you were never afraid or because you had no faults (I know better than anyone just how many faults you had) or even because you defeated the evil wizards. That, in itself, doesn't make you a hero, not really. You're a hero because you always cared. Dumbledore once told you that it was your heart which was the true power that Voldemort knew not-and you found out in our 7th year just how true that was. Your heart is why you're a hero, because you always cared about others, because you're incapable of knowing anyone is in danger and not trying to help.
I love that about you, Harry.
Did I ever tell you, darling, that you're my hero and you always have been? You've been my hero since the moment I saw you and Ron rush into the girls bathroom at Hogwarts in our first year-admittedly a rather small, skinny hero with messy hair, but my hero nonetheless. And I'll admit now that it was that night that made me realize that you deserved the respect and the fame and the admiration you received as the Boy Who Lived. I never thought when I first read about you or even when I first knew you that you really deserved it. As far as I could tell, you hadn't really done anything so remarkable. All you had done was not die-which was a miraculous thing, more so because of the effect it had on Voldemort, but I thought, at first, that you were given a lot of credit you didn't deserve. Because, after all, what could a one-year-old baby possibly have done to deserve such fame and hero-worship?
And then I got to know you. I got to know your kindness and your humor and, yes, your courage (that bordered on recklessness sometimes, I thought) and your insecurities, but more than that, I got to know just how much you cared. I got to know that protective instinct of yours. And I knew that you really were a hero, in every way that really mattered.
You've been my hero since that night.
My hero-but more than that, my best friend, my lover, my husband, father of my children, my soul-mate. And sometimes, I think that what I love best is that, no matter what, you've always been mine… As I've been yours.
Since the beginning-and until the end-you'll be mine and I'll be yours.
But then, you already knew that, didn't you, dear? I can see you smiling, Harry, hear you saying that yes, you did already know that. After all, you can't have spent so much time with the smartest witch you ever knew and not learn something, right?
As always, Harry, I miss you and I love you.
Day 1328
Today is Melanie's wedding day, Harry.
Andy is a sight to see; he is such a nervous, emotional wreck over giving away his eldest child and only daughter in marriage. Laura's been alternately laughing at him and soothing him-when she, herself, is not getting emotional over her daughter's being married.
He reminds me so much of you when Emily was married. You were just as much of a mess, if you remember. (And don't try to deny it; you were a wreck. Ron will agree with me, I know, since he found it hysterically funny.)
I wish you could be here today, Harry. You should see Melanie; she's glowing with happiness, so much so that it almost looks as if she dances rather than walks around these days.
She spent the night with me a few nights ago, saying she wanted to have one of our old "sleepovers with Nana and Grampa" which she loved so much. We talked and she made me cry when she said that she missed you and that she wished you could be there to see her be married. I told her that, even though we couldn't see you, I knew you'd be there in spirit and that you'd be so happy for her. I also told her that all I could wish for her was that she would be as happy in her marriage as I was in mine and then she would be the happiest woman in the world.
I hope she's happy; I believe she will be happy. Peter is a good man, a nice man, and he loves her. Also, I admit to seeing some parallels in their relationship to ours. They had been friends for years, too, you know, before, according to Melanie, she "suddenly learned to see" and realized that she was in love with him.
Sound at all familiar?
I thought you might.
I find myself remembering our wedding day very clearly today.
I remember walking towards you. I remember the way your eyes widened when you saw me and I remember the smile in your eyes that told me you felt exactly as I did, the same happiness, the same certainty, the same sense of incredulity that we would get to be so lucky…
I remember how very sure I was that marrying you was the absolute right thing to do, that promising to love you for the rest of my life would be an easy thing to do…
And I was right.
Day 1825
It's been five years now, Harry, since you've been gone.
Five years-I can't believe it.
I find I look for you less now. I've even gone for more than a few hours without thinking of you or missing you too much. I don't dream of you very often now.
I did dream of you last night. Oddly, I dreamed of you-of us-from when we were young, before we were married. In my dream, we were walking together, holding hands, at Hogwarts, down towards the lake and then suddenly we were on the Quidditch fields and you were flying. You flew up so high that I could hardly see you from where I was and I called out to you and asked you not to leave. And you flew back down to me and smiled at me in that way you used to when you wanted to say a lot but didn't quite know how to say it and you said, simply, "I'll never leave you." And then you kissed me-and I woke up.
It was so very real, Harry, felt so very real. I could almost feel your hand in mine, your lips on mine. I think I spoke aloud in my sleep; it felt like I might have.
And I woke up to realize and remember that you aren't here but somehow, you feel very near to me today.
Maybe it's only because it has been 5 years now and again, today, there's going to be another memorial ceremony and moment of remembrance for you and for Dumbledore and the other heroes of the Second Voldemort War.
And yet… somehow, I don't believe that is the only reason.
I'm not sure why it is, but you do feel very close by, Harry, almost as if I can reach out and touch you… As if I just have to turn my head to see you…
I love you, Harry, now and always. And somehow, today, especially, I am very sure that you haven't really left me after all, that you're still here with me and you always will be…
Day 2136
I don't know how I know this but, somehow, Harry, I know that this will be the last time I'll write to you.
So many letters to you I've written these past years; they've kept me going, kept me happy, kept me feeling close to you.
But all this time, all these years, I know now that I've only been waiting, after all, waiting for this. Waiting-until I see you again.
I know you've been waiting for me too, haven't you, love?
And, oh, I've missed you so, my Harry.
But now, somehow, I know that our wait is ending.
I will be seeing you again soon; we'll be together again soon-and this time, we'll never be apart again.
And so, one last time, Harry, until we meet again, I love you, with every beat of my heart and every breath in my body.
Forever yours,
Hermione
~The End~