Disclaimer: Any fictional characters portrayed in this fanfiction bearing resemblance to any other fictional characters is purely coincidental.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 14th
"I see." Harry said quietly. The uncomfortable silence that stretched out between the Trio was deafening. They stood on the Hogwart's grounds, several yards out from the main doors leading into the school. The ancient stone fortress easily towered over them, dwarfing the three of them with both its size and age. Harry stood slightly apart from his best friends; Ron and Hermione on the other hand, stood quite close together. They were not quite touching, but they stood close enough that one could see there was something more than simple friendship between them. The tension between the three was nearly visible in the late morning air.
He had been expecting something like this to happen for quite some time now. Yet, although he'd expected it, it still left an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. Watching them look at each other, worry etched into Hermione's face and concern and embarrassment in Ron's eyes before they both turned to regard him with identical expressions of…what exactly? Expectation? Fear? Were they looking to get his blessing? Approval?
For some reason, that angered him. They had never bothered to ask him for his opinion before. He wasn't their parent. Hell, he'd never had a parental figure to seek permission from, and he was fine.
A chill ran though the new couple as the wind stirred their friend's robes ominously. He stood watching them in silence, a blank look on his normally expressive features. He finally gave a small shrug of indifference before walking past them, not bothering to look at either of them.
"Whatever," he dismissed tonelessly.
"Harry, please don't!" Hermione said desperately. She started to reach for him, but he deftly avoided her touch. Skipping neatly out of range, he kept moving.
"Don't worry about it," He said as he held out his arm. Hedwig dropped gracefully out of the sky and fluttered down, lighting neatly on Harry's outstretched arm. "I'm used to being alone. What's a Hogsmeade trip anyway? It's not important."
Tears threatened to fall as Hermione turned to look at Ron for help. Taking his cue, he gathered his Gryffindor courage and stepped forward. "Look mate…" Harry paused, still not bothering to turn to face them. "We…well we're not sure what's happening, you know? Between us." He gestured needlessly between himself and Hermione as his ears reddened. Pointless really since Harry wouldn't look at them. "We just want to see what's there, right? See if there is something we can make out of it. I mean…" Apparently not even Ron knew what he meant, for he trailed off at a loss for words.
"I see." Harry said again before moving off at a steady pace. He stepped out of the shadow of the school and into the bright autumn light. "Let's go, Hedwig. We've spent plenty of time by ourselves. We'll find something to amuse us, I'm sure." Hedwig hooted happily, thrilled she'd finally get to spend some time with her master. She nipped at his messy hair playfully as Harry chuckled and threw an owl treat far into the sky. Hedwig took off quickly chasing after the snack, deftly catching it mid-air. She rolled once and circled above Harry's head as they made their way towards town. Harry laughing lightly as his snowy owl randomly dive-bombed his head, attempting to coax more treats from him. He felt the tale-tell tingle of magic as he crossed the safety of the castle's wards and continued determinedly into Hogsmeade, forcefully ignoring both of his friends.
He was halfway to the outlying shops before either Ron or Hermione looked away from his rapidly retreating form.
Ron sighed before looking at his semi-girlfriend. Her lip was trembling threateningly and her eyes were watery; the warning bells built into every male on the planet were screaming that an emotional outbreak was imminent. She had just known this wouldn't go well.
Ron sighed again. "Well, that didn't go as well as I'd envisioned."
Hermione sniffed, wiping furiously at her eyes. "No, I expect it didn't."
"Could have been worse, I s'pose." He offered helpfully. "I mean, he didn't break anything. The castle is still here. No explosions or other signs of random mass destruction."
She snorted through her tears at his half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood. "That's what worries me. Ron, why do I feel so…guilty?" she wondered aloud.
"I'm not sure. I really don't know, but yeah, I feel it too." He looked down dejectedly at his old, worn-out sneakers. For some unknown reason, he started feeling angry with Harry. He was ruining his chances with Hermione on purpose! Why? Why couldn't Ron have something good for himself just this once? Couldn't his best mate just be happy for them for once?
"Look," He said, his voice laced with determination. "We have to do this for ourselves. I know that I, for one, want to see if we can find something past the arguing and the fighting." He looked up at her. "I'm sorry he isn't happy with it, but the world doesn't revolve around Harry. One day, he's going to have to learn that. Things change."
Hermione, for her part, looked torn. "But I don't want to lose him, Ron! This changes everything between us!" She looked ready to burst into full blown tears.
"This isn't even anything yet! Even we don't know what it is and I for one want to find out!" Hermione nodded reluctantly, wringing her hands in her indecision. "Now look, let's try and forget about this ok? We're not going to waste a perfectly good Hogsmeade weekend moping around just because Harry's gone off his bloody rocker! I plan on having a nice first date."
Smiling a bit, she tried to wipe her eyes again, but her cheerfulness was clearly forced. Ron's mind was made up however as he grabbed her hand and forcefully dragged her into town. The beautiful day, laughing children and happiness that seemed to be present everywhere she looked did nothing at all to lighten her mood. Throughout the entire day, Hermione just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. It scared her.
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Hogsmeade was such a nice, quaint, wizarding village. Harry always loved visiting throughout the school year; it seemed to make the monotonous days of nonstop schoolwork slightly more bearable. It was wonderful now that he, as an upperclassman, was able to visit anytime he wanted. The colorful sandstone shops were always filled with students and people bustling about the cobblestone streets. There was just something about strolling through, no particular destination in mind that appealed to Harry. There was no hurry, no pressure to be anywhere. It was such a beautiful day; Harry just couldn't force himself to remain angry. The bright blue sky was decorated with gently rolling clouds, and Harry's thoughts immediately turned to flying. A good session on his Firebolt was exactly what the mediwitch ordered to relieve him of his melancholy. He would have to hit the Quidditch pitch soon after he was done in town.
Harry casually waved at a passing group of 3rd and 4th year girls who had just exited Honeydukes and they giggled and waved shyly back. Every few minutes someone would call out "Oi, Harry!" or "Alright there Potter?" It was nice having a year where you weren't considered deranged or an evil wizard-in-training by everyone around you. Most people he recognized from DA meetings or from casual interaction in classes. He considered them all friends whether they were close ones or not. Today, though, he did not stop to chat with anyone nor did he invite anybody to join him for his stroll.
Today he felt like being by himself. He seriously doubted if anyone would want to deal with his black mood.
Harry was meandering about the winding streets, his hands in his pockets; his head lolled back lazily watching the sky and its clouds pass by when a shadow momentarily blotted out the sun. Seconds later Hedwig once again landed gracefully on his shoulder. He grinned as her large amber eyes focused on him with amusement.
"What are you laughing at feather-face? Can't a bloke enjoy the weather?" She cocked her head to the side at an impossible angle before cuffing Harry on the back of the head with one of her wings. "Oh come on. Go find some nice, juicy rats to chase or something. I'm out of owl treats anyway." The beautiful bird hooted reproachfully at him before taking off in search of the aforementioned rodents.
Shaking his head ruefully, Harry stuck his hands behind his head and continued on his wandering trek. He made several stops throughout the afternoon, gathering various knickknacks and necessities he had been needing. Harry bought a bit of everything from owl treats, Ever-fizzing-fizzles, butterbeer, ink and parchment…to the latest edition of Auror Monthly (When Good Witches Go Bad, 15-page special).
There was no way he could prove it, but he had a sneaking suspicion that this month's Auror Centerfold might be none other than his friend Nymphadora Tonks. Color him paranoid, but the vibrant blue hair and mischievous grin was all too familiar to be a simple coincidence. More so, the flirty, knowing wink she offered him did nothing to change his mind.
He might just have to bring it up with her at the next Order meeting.
It still didn't dissuade him from deciding to hang the poster next to his bed.
By three o'clock, Harry had just about completely shopped himself out. It was no wonder girls thought shopping was so therapeutic. It was completely exhausting! All he could think about was taking a nice relaxing fly and then heading straight to bed.
He hadn't seen so much as a feather from Hedwig in the past half an hour, so he assumed she had found herself a suitable snack to hunt. She, like her master, absolutely hated rats. Come to think of it, he had seen neither hide nor bushy-hair of Hermione or Ron either. Harry's amusement gradually faded and the smile on his face dropped off faster than Viktor Krum diving into a Wronski Feint.
He really didn't know what to make of the thoughts and feelings running through his head. Happiness, anger, jealousy, some deeply buried affection...he was so confused. Perhaps it was his lacking childhood with the Dursley's that had numbed him to such things. After all, why worry about love and affection when no matter how hard you try, you would never receive it? His fists involuntarily clinched in anger. Maybe he just wasn't wired to understand feelings? Maybe…maybe it's because he's a bloke and only girls get that stuff anyway?
Harry snorted in amusement.
Hermione would be able to tell him. She would have been able to explain things to him and help him understand how it was supposed to be. She would have looked it up in a dozen different books, cataloguing all the things that he would be feeling. Of course, she would analyze it all in minute detail, breaking it down so that his inferior intellect would somehow be able to comprehend what she was saying. Then, she would smile and turn it all around and make him feel incredibly silly for not having come to the same conclusion earlier without her assistance.
Harry's frown deepened.
Only Hermione wasn't here. She was off with Ron, probably `exploring' the possibilities of their budding relationship.
Exploring.
It sounded like a dirty lie, even to him. Ron probably was busy exploring every inch of his and Hermione's almost-but-not-quite `relationship.' Which was exactly what he had been trying to do with Lavender earlier that year. They were probably holed up in the dorms while the rest of the student body was out enjoying the gorgeous weather. No, on second thought, Hermione was far too clever for that.
They were more than likely using the Room of Requirements.
Harry gritted his teeth. He was tempted to try and clear his mind like in his Occlumency exercises, but he was afraid that it could lock him inside his shields along with those disturbing mental images.
Oh, Snape would love to see what was running through his mind right now. Probably would insult him for having such sickening thoughts in the first place and then berate him soundly for his piss-poor attempts at shielding.
Bastard.
Ron on the other hand… Well, Ron would probably comment on Harry's surprising lack of imagination and suggest he read some of Seamus' more colorful Wizard's magazines. They did have moving pictures after all. Then, after he made sure Harry had both the theory and mechanics down, he would helpfully suggest he give it another go.
Git.
Whatever happened to the easy times when they were eleven and all they had to do was fight against insurmountable odds and win? See the stone, get the stone. Find the escaped madman, kill the escaped madman. Elude the evil wizard…and live.
Simple.
They had been an unstoppable team. The Golden Trio. They counted on each other, protected one another, fought, and ate as one mind. It was like being part of a well oiled machine. When they were together, everything was so effortless. Well, not effortless per say…but they knew their places inside the group and were able to find their way. Always. That's just how it worked for the Golden Trio.
Then things got complicated. As life was wont to do, people changed and evolved; growing apart and closer, feelings changing until you didn't know what they were anymore. Friendship, love, commitment, bravery, loyalty…jealousy, anger, confusion. It was hard to tell where one began and the others ended. The older Harry got, the more things blurred together. Perhaps, that was what Dumbledore meant when he said that the older he got the more `grey' things became.
Harry snorted. He was definitely feeling the confusion part now, not that it was anything new to him. Truth be told, it was his usual state of mind until he found a concrete problem that needed solving.
See the basilisk; slay the basilisk. All that rot was the way he liked things to be.
Simple.
Now, it was as if it was a crime for Harry to try and get any help with his homework from Hermione anymore. If they were all studying in the library after classes, it could almost be guaranteed that Ron would be giving Harry a not so subtle glance to pack up and leave. It didn't matter if Harry was only halfway done with the day's assignments nor did it matter that all Ron was doing was doodling on a parchment instead of actually working. The prat just expected Harry to up and leave so he could get some quality time alone with their female friend. It was as if it was a complete bother for Harry to be around them sometimes. Harry knew that if the situation was reversed, if it was he who was trying to date Hermione, he knew that he would never treat Ron the same way has he had been treated.
Hmph. If Ron and Hermione were going to leave him to play the role of third wheel, perhaps it was best that he just took up his sword and moved on, so to say. `Boy hero for hire. Slayer of dragons, basilisks, and Dark Lords. Catcher of snitches! Two for one specials available. References available upon request.'
Perhaps that was what bothered him the most. Harry squinted up at the clouds moving serenely across the crystal blue sky. Maybe he was afraid of being left behind, once again being alone after finally discovering friends with whom he felt he belonged. Maybe it was the thought of losing…what? Love?
His frown deepened as he stopped in the middle of the street. A cloud momentarily passed in front of the sun, sending a brief caress of coolness across his features. If there was any idea, thought or feeling that was more confusing than the concept of love…then Harry surely had not found it yet. The love of flying he understood. The feeling of opening Christmas presents for the first time, of coming home to Hogwarts, the feeling he got when performing magic; those were concepts he understood. Even Ron's love of food and sweets he could grasp if not appreciate for himself. Love from a person? Not a concept he understood, so much.
That was probably one of the reasons that he was so fascinated by Mrs. Weasley's specialty of crushing hugs, or Hermione's casual ease with which she touched him. That still did not mean he understood it though. In fact, the idea of love made him distinctly uneasy. Love was what made witches and wizards act so different when around each other; springing forth feelings of attraction and infatuation or jealousy and anger. Love could turn two people who cared for each other into bitter enemies. Love was dangerous.
After all, was it not Tom Riddle's love of power and lust for immortality that caused him to turn dark?
Suddenly, Harry was interrupted from his musings by a pair of enormous blue eyes popping into his field of vision, bringing him up short. A mass of straw-blonde hair held up in an elaborate bun by a wand, a butterbeer cap necklace and a pair of enormous `WWW' earrings framed the pair of wide, innocent eyes owned by none other than Luna Lovegood.
"You're thinking too loud," she informed him perfunctorily in a stage whisper.
"Luna!" Harry exclaimed, startled. "Merlin, Luna! Make some noise when you move, would you? You about gave me a heart attack."
Luna leaned back from Harry's face with a satisfied smile and grinned up at him merrily with her eyes closed and head cocked to the side. "You're funny," she commented absently.
Harry gave her an amused look. Luna had to be one of the most singularly unique people in the entire magical world, and that was no small feat. Harry secretly admired her distinctive way of looking at the world around her. She looked at people and saw things that others would never notice. It was an unusual ability and, honestly, Harry treasured her for it.
"Makes it easier to sneak up on the Snorkacks, eh?" He whispered back to her.
"Oh yes," she nodded most seriously as they resumed walking together. Only Luna happened to be walking backwards, facing Harry. He used to wonder how she did this without tripping, but after a while, he gave up trying to figure it out. She never fell. With Luna, acceptance was the better part of valor. "But it's not how loud you move that startles them. It's how loud you're thinking."
At Harry's puzzled expression, she elaborated. "You were thinking too loud. I could hear you all the way over at Madam Malkin's. You sounded like this…" She made an exaggerated angry/sad/pouting face that had Harry laughing hysterically.
"Did I now?" he laughed.
Luna wasn't laughing. "Oh yes. It was quite…gloomy." She said seriously, but then brightened up. "So! Here I am. And you are no longer lonely are you?"
Harry considered carefully. "Well, no I'm not. It's hard to be lonely when you have someone with you," he quoted wisely.
Luna, however, disagreed. "Oh no." She waggled her finger at him in admonishment. "It is very easy to be lonely in a crowd. I have come to the conclusion that you, Mr. Potter, are a prime example of the lone Zeebumwee." When Harry merely raised an eyebrow at her, she continued. "The Zeebumwee is a small, but fierce creature. It is a solitary wonderer that moves from place to place looking for its purpose. They can live alone for many years, not interacting with any others of its kind; however living like this, it is never truly happy."
Luna paused and looked at him expectantly. Figuring she was waiting for a follow up question Harry asked, "So then, why aren't they ever truly happy?" Luna looked satisfied that he was at least paying attention.
"Would you be happy knowing your instincts drive you to live out by yourself when your heart desires the company of others?" Harry imagined not, but said nothing. This conversation was hitting too close to home for his comfort. Luna continued on, blissfully ignorant to his feelings
"But, it is a very loyal creature, you see, and will fight to defend its mate once it finds her." Luna was staring at Harry with a most disconcerting amount of scrutiny. "They mate for life you know." She added in wide-eyed innocence.
Harry could not fight the blush that rose up, coloring his cheeks.
"So, ah… what is their purpose?" He stammered out in an attempt to change the subject. Best not to let Luna get started on the mating habits of anything, because once she built up steam and got going, she would not spare any detail. She could be quite graphic sometimes.
Luna shrugged her shoulders and skipped nimbly over a loose stone that was behind her. "No one really knows until after they find it."
"Fascinating." Harry deadpanned.
"So where are your friends?" Luna inquired.
Harry scowled. "Probably off shagging on the common room floor," he muttered darkly. He tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but he had the feeling that he failed miserably.
"Well that sounds nice," she replied absently. Harry goggled at her, but she appeared not to notice. "But the couch is much more likely. It's a shame to waste such a gorgeous day away indoors." She observed him casually from the corner of her eyes. "Does it bother you all that much? Them off exploring together?"
He prepared to fire off a suitable scathing remark, but stopped and actually considered the question. "Yeah," he said slowly. "It does bother me."
"Why?"
That single syllable, said so lightly, made his stomach churn. "I don't know." He reluctantly admitted. He was obviously uncomfortable with this line of conversation.
"Oh," she said. "Are you in love with Hermione?"
Harry sputtered. "What? No! Of course I'm not! Don't be ridiculous."
Luna hopped directly in front of him and came to an abrupt stop, halting their little walk. They had ended up underneath one of the many stone archways crossing over the streets of Hogsmeade. The shade would have felt wonderful had Harry not felt like his body temperature had shot up a hundred degrees. She looked him directly in the eyes, her usually vapid gaze unnaturally focused for once. He felt nervous.
"Are you're not fond of her at all then? You feel nothing for her?"
"Of course I'm fond of her!" Harry exclaimed, feeling defensive all of a sudden. "I…I don't know what I'd do without her! Sure, she's bossy at times, likes to study more than what's really good for her, and needs a good dose of fun at times, sure…but she means the world to me. She's the best friend anyone could ask for!"
One silvery eyebrow quirked up and a single corner of her mouth turned upwards. "And you don't find her attractive at all then, right?"
He began to immediately reply with a `no!' but that was obviously not true. He found her quite attractive, sometimes to an amount that startled him. And on rare occasions, he had told her so. It was those times, when she emerges from class; face alight in glee at learning some random, pointless fact. Sometimes, it really hit him as he sees her in the Quidditch stands, hair windblown and cheeks flushed red from yelling. Or the times when they're studying late at night and she leans back to stretch, back arching just right…
Of course, there was always the Yule Ball.
"She's alright." He admitted indifferently.
Luna pondered for a moment. "You're not in love with Ron then?"
Harry leapt back, willing his mind not to travel the same path it had just taken with Hermione. "Hell no!" he forced out heatedly.
She looked confused. "I could have sworn it would have been one of them," she muttered to herself. She sounded disappointed. At least she had finally gotten more of a response on the last one. "Then what is really bothering you?"
"I just don't know," he began. "Maybe it's the fact that I'm afraid I'll lose them? Or maybe it's the fact that they're off doing something, experiencing something I wish I had. Maybe it's because they're so horribly wrong for each other? Maybe I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling."
Luna nodded. "So much of being you, of being Harry Potter, is about not thinking." Before Harry could take insult, she charged on. "You're impulsive. You just go with what you feel, not taking the time to consider why you feel the way you do. After all, going with your gut feeling has kept you alive all this time, why change tactics, yes? It's pure Gryffindor." Her insights continually surprised him. "Ravenclaw's, on the other hand, we think too much about what we're feeling. By the time we come to the logical conclusion…it's too late." She sounded so wistful that Harry couldn't help but wonder if she was speaking from experience. She shrugged her shoulders and continued on, humming a merry little tune to herself.
"If you're jealous of your friends date, why don't we have our own?"
Harry looked at her as if she'd gone and sprouted an extra limb. "Wh-what?"
"A date." Luna clarified, speaking slowly as if that would help illuminate the issue for him. "It is when two people go-"
"I know what a date is!" Harry stammered out hastily, rushing to interrupt her. Bloody hell, if he could only fight down the blush that was overwhelming his cheeks. "But why me? I mean, what would we do?" It wasn't that he was embarrassed to be seen with Luna, or even to be on a date with her. He honestly did not understand why she'd want to be out with him.
Luna smiled serenely up at him, finally taking pity on the mere boy before her. Teasing him was fun. "Because I like you," She enunciated carefully. "You're fun and handsome and you treat me like a person. And I'd imagine we will continue doing what we've been doing this last little bit. Unless there's a nice couch you'd rather occupy?" Those wide blue eyes looked up at him with such a guileless expression in them that he could not help the fire that spread from his neck up to his forehead. Then, he saw the corner of her lips begin to crinkle in mirth. She was having him on!
"Why you…" He began, advancing on her. "If you're not careful Lovegood, I may not have a couch, but a squishy armchair might work just as well. And I happen to be rather adept at conjuring those!"
She laughed and skipped out of his reach and he gave chase, laughing the entire way. Many of the other Hogwarts' students out for the day stared at the two as if they had lost their minds. Harry couldn't have cared the slightest. They eventually calmed down and continued at a more sedate pace, only breaking out in giggles every once in a while.
They continued in this manner for quite sometime, merely wondering around Hogsmeade simply enjoying each other's company, neither feeling the need to fill the silence with needless chatter. Being with Luna was a lot like being with Hermione, Harry realized. If they had nothing to say to each other, it was never an awkward silence like with others he knew. It was simply being near that mattered. Luna walked along with him, occasionally twirling or skipping…or doing the odd flip now and again, never pressing him for answers or forcing him into conversation. Every once in a while, she'd find something interesting in a shop window and Harry would follow her to investigate. All in all, it was an enjoyable day.
As they were coming out of their third shop, Hedwig dive bombed Harry's head of messy hair. She circled once and few up to perch atop a sign only scant inches from Harry's reach. She chattered at him in amusement.
"Oy, you get down here you! Don't feel like playing on the ground with the rest of us featherless folks, eh?" Harry scowled up at his pet as Luna laughed musically. Hedwig chattered at him again.
"She says that if you want her you'll have to catch her," she managed between fits of giggles. Harry stared at her a moment before turning to regard his owl, one eyebrow raised in consideration. "Oh, did she now…" he drawled.
Nodding quickly, Luna said, "And there are only two ways I know of to catch an owl."
Harry narrowed his eyes at his feathery friend, who was in the process of mocking her master, hopping from one foot to the other and flapping her wings wildly. "Back to Hogwarts!" Harry declared, grabbing Luna's arm and dragging her behind him. "You hear that Hedwig? I'm getting my Firebolt, and then you're going to get what's coming to you!"
Hedwig looked at the two in amusement as they took off towards the castle. "Wait," she heard her master say. "What's the other way to catch an owl?"
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