Chapter Six
DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS: Fighting That Which Must Not Be Said
"Where were you yesterday?" Ron asked, somewhat irritably as he sat at the bar in the Happy Gryff.
I looked up from the morning invoices and felt my face to be on the brink of an explosion. "I-erm, why do you ask?"
Ron picked up his sandwich and bit into it, taking his maddeningly sweet time in chewing and then swallowing. "I came by before lunch and then later in the afternoon. You were out and your staff said you hadn't been in since you called to say you were going to be late."
"Since when was I supposed to run my day's schedule by you for approval?" Merlin, I was speaking like a man guilty of high treason.
Ron looked slightly affronted. "Well, it's not like that. I just wanted to talk to you yesterday, is all. Made me wonder where you were. No need to snap at me."
I should just bang my head on the table, just so I could beat some sense into it. "Sorry. I just-sorry."
Ron shook his head then sighed. "Just as well, I suppose. I know you're tired of listening to me whine about Hermione. Anyway, I caught Luna in the afternoon. Had another weird conversation with her, but it beats grumbling about Hermione, I suppose."
I said nothing, letting him talk.
"George and Fred say they're sick of listening to me talk about her," Ron continued, the look of utter dejection on his face striking me in its sincerity. "But I-cor, Harry, I can't help it. Hermione is too important, isn't she? She's not just some girl I dated. She's Hermione, and I suppose when we weren't fighting I-" He ran his hands through his hair in resigned frustration. "I really cared for her. She was really wonderful when we got along. I must've been the biggest idiot in England to have let her get away, but I suppose I got on her nerves and that about did it. It's not like I drove her away on purpose. I swear to you, all of those things… that was just me being me. I can't be more than what I could be, and I guess it wasn't enough for her. Worse part about it is, it isn't her fault, either. She can't help having expectations. She doesn't have to settle. Nobody has to…"
I felt like a complete and utter git.
My heart is black. It has to be, belittling Ron's feelings for Hermione like I always have.
"Have you spoken to her lately?" Ron asked, eyes hopeful. "What's she said about me? Does she… miss me, at least? Because I do…"
Oh, Merlin.
What do I tell him? Should I tell him the heartbreaking truth that she all but avoided mention of him and called him a "distraction?" Or should I take liberties and say, "Yeah, Ron. You and she were friends, after all. Of course she misses you."
Or I could be a complete jackass and say, "I've been spending quite a bit of time with our best friend who just happens to be your ex-girlfriend and I've been remembering why I'm so in love with her."
This was all so very wrong.
"Yeah, I've spoken to her," I finally said. "She's-you should try to move on Ron. I mean, I know she cares about you, but she's… she always has, you know what I mean?"
By the look on his face, he knew exactly what I meant. Hermione would always be our best friend, no matter what, and even after everything she and Ron had gone through, that was all she was going to be to him from now on.
"I need a drink," he groaned.
I gave him Firewhisky this time. It was the least I could do, and when Hermione flooed in that evening at the Happy Gryff, asking if Ron was there, I said he wasn't, because I'd only just Apparated him back to his flat, him being too pissed to do it by himself. But even with Ron gone from the Gryff, I told Hermione this wasn't a good time. The after-dinner crowd was thick, I said.
It was painful to see the disappointment in her eyes. I felt wretched, because she knew I was blowing her off, and perhaps she even knew why, because she'd left me on her doorstep for the same reasons. At least one of us had to remind the other of why we couldn't. Last night it was she who remembered. Tonight it would be me.
I couldn't be with her right now. Not when the glaring technicality that was, "But they're already broken up!" was hanging off my back like a Snorkack.
Hermione was important to me, but so was Ron.
There were no, "Voldemort's after me and you'll be in danger," excuses. There was no, "We have to concentrate on defeating the big, bad Wizard." This was about life, and about love.
I was in love with Hermione. So much that I was in danger of breaking my other best friend's heart for it. I had to remind myself that I loved Ron as well, not in the same way, but it didn't make him less important.
Ron was her best friend too. She understood, more than anyone, how much Ron would hurt, and she didn't want to break his heart any worse than she already had, either.
This defined our relationship for many months thereafter. Knowing what was between us but not speaking it, because speaking it would make it harder-speaking it would make it impossible to hide.
"I'll see you when I see you then," she said softly.
I nodded, swallowing the painful lump in my throat. "Yeah. As soon as we can."
Brain-mouth connection tripped again.
A sad smile played on her lips, because she knew exactly what I meant. "As soon as we can."
And she disappeared from the floo.
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A/N: Well, I'm definitely releasing this chapter with the next one, just because this one's uber short.