Disclaimer: I don't own it.
Heath Class At Hogwarts
Pre A/n: Not really an LJ, but I think It's funny.
"Okay," said Professor McGonagall as she paced around the room of her Transfiguration class. "Today, we have a little . . . different schedule." She stopped in front of her desk and turned to face the class. "The school board has ordered this upon us, and I was the appointed teacher, lord knows how," she breathed quietly. "Anyway, we have to do a class on . . . um, sexual education."
Sirius Black and James Potter instantly roared in laughter. "You're kidding," Remus Lupin said. "Please tell me you're kidding."
"Unfortunately, I'm not. But we do all know of how much a jokester I am," McGonagall rolled her eyes. "So, we should get started. Silencio!" She pointed her wand at James and Sirius and their laughed ceased in a second.
I looked over at them as their fists banged on the table and they slapped each other on the back, their mouthes open in silent laughter. I myself found the situation a little funny too, but there was no reason to freak out or anything. My sister had been all proud the day she came back from sexual education when I was still living at home so I had always wondered if we would have it at Hogwarts.
Once the boys calmed down, McGonagall took the spell off of them and began with her lesson. "Okay, um, sex isn't always something you should do." She was standing very awkwardly at the front of the class as she twirled her wand between her fingers. "Sex might seem like a fun thing to do, but pregnancy can always occur, and you don't want to be the only one with a baby at Hogwarts, do you?"
"They have spells for that," Sirius pipped up. "I know them all."
"What if you fall for a nice Muggle with while you're home during summer vacation, Mr. Black?" McGonagall asked.
"Hah!" Sirius said loudly. "What makes you think I'm allowed outside during vacation?"
"Well, you're case isn't the same as everyone else's," McGonagall said. "Everyone should know the . . . unsafe things sex can bring."
"How would she know?" James whispered loud enough so I could hear. "She's probably a virgin."
Sirius stuffed his fist in his mouth to muffle he laughter. McGonagall gave James a sharp glance but continued her work. "Does anyone else know a result of sex?"
"Orgasms!" Sirius yelled."
"If you can't handle the lesson, Mr. Black, then I may ask you to leave," McGonagall said.
"And miss this? Not for the world!"
"Then I suggest you close your big fat mouth and listen, god dammit!" McGonagall said, her temper raising. "Okay, I have an activity. This will help you learn how to say no to your partner in a relationship. If you say no, your partner should respect your reply and drop the topic right away. Do I have any volunteers?"
James's hand shot up into the air. McGonagall reluctantly called on him. "Okay, now we need a girl."
My friend, or so I thought, Marlene, took her wand out and pointed it at my arm, charming it to go up. James's eyes lit up and his smile reached the lake.
"Miss Evans?" McGonagall said, knowing very well that I had no interest in Potter what so ever. "You want to go?"
Before I could say no and explain that Marlene had charmed my hand, Potter had ran over to me and grabbed my hand, running up the front of the class with me. "I knew it," Potter said. "You have loved me all along!"
I growled at him and took my hand back forcefully.
"Okay, now, I'm going to give Mr. Potter a card to read off of. Mr. Potter is going to pressure Miss Evans to have sex with him."
I stared at McGonagall with my mouth open. "Excuse me?" I asked.
"YES!" James said, thrusting his fist into the air. "Hell yeah!"
"This is not practice on Mr. Potter's part," McGonagall said forcefully. "I have a couple cards to demonstrate with. We'll go back and forth between Mr. Potter pressuring and Miss Evans. Please pay attention."
I looked at the class and they were all at the edge of their seats, ready for a good, funny lesson. They were all taking notes in their head. Rumors to spread when they get out of class. Evans wants to have sex with Potter. Potter is a sissy and said no to Evans. Evans is a slut who wants sex with Potter.
Potter took a card from McGonagall and read it to himself. He allowed himself a good laugh before turning to me, his face a little red. "Why do you have to be so prude? I thought you loved me."
The class burst out laughing and Potter smiled in spite of himself. I gave McGonagall a glare. "I'm not prude. And I don't love you."
"That's not what you said yesterday," Potter replied.
"I lied," I said, crossing my arms across my chest. "I don't want to have sex with you."
"Okay," said McGonagall. "I know that you don't like Mr. Potter all that much, Miss Evans, but you have to be a bit realistic. You don't say to your boyfriend that you don't love them . . . like that."
"Boyfriend?" I said. "Potter would ask that to any random girl walking up the hall!"
Sirius went, "Ohhhhhhh!" really loudly and the class laughed.
"Here, Miss Evans. Your turn."
I took the card roughly from her hands and closed my eyes when I had read it. "We have a connection. Why don't you just go with it and have sex with me?"
Once again, the annoying class roared with laughter. Potter took a step closer to me and said, "Sure, baby!"
McGonagall instantly separated us. "Potter! You're supposed to say no!"
"To Evans?" he asked. "Not in a million years."
She rolled her eyes and said, "Miss Evans, why don't you take a seat. Mr. Black, you come up here."
Sirius laughed and joined James at the front of the room. I hit Marlene, who was laughing her ass off, when I reached her.
"Since you can't seem to handle a girl, why don't we try a boy?" McGonagall asked, giving James another card. "Read it."
"Padfoot, my love, we've been dating for so long! I might have to break up with you if we don't do it soon," James said dramatically.
"Oh, Prongs, I never knew you were a queer."
"We've been dating for five goddamn months, you idiot! Have sex with me!" James said.
"I don't know if I'm comfortable dating rapists," Sirius said, backing away.
McGonagall buried her face in her hands and said, "Stop! Would you two just stop it? Potter, sit down."
James looked at Sirius and said, "I must go now. But my love for you burns like the intensity of a millions suns."
"I will see you soon, my love," Sirius said, blowing him a kiss. James walked backwards all the way back to his seat, giving Sirius loving looks.
"Mr. Lupin! You're turn," McGonagall said. "Up. Now!"
Remus rolled his eyes and walked to the front of the room. McGonagall handed Sirius a card.
"Everyone else is having sex," Sirius read off the card. "Do you not believe in gay sex or something?" he said, making up his own dialog.
The class was in tears laughing now.
"Okay, Black, down this instant! McKinnon, get up here!"
Marlene looked up at McGonagall, her laughing expression instantly changing to fear. I smiled, satisfied, and thought of how Marlene has had a crush on Lupin for years.
Marlene walked slowly to the front of the room and Remus nervously took a card. He was never good with girls. His face turned a deep red once he read it.
"B-but I love you. Do you think I'd hurt you or our relationship?" he said seriously.
"I'm just not ready for sex yet . . . Remus," she said, blushing.
"When will you be?" he asked.
"When I'm ready," she said, smiling.
"And will you tell me?" Remus asked, smiling too.
"Sure," she said. "But I'm not ready yet."
McGonagall looked relieved and happy that someone had actually done the lesson correctly. She stood up and said, "Great job! Okay, Marlene, your turn." She gave Marlene a card.
Marlene instantly turned nervous again. "We've done so many other things together. Why can't we do this?"
Remus looked at her with a blank face. "Um . . . I'm just not ready."
"Of course you are, buddy!" Sirius screamed. "You can do it!"
"Stop pressuring him!" McGonagall ordered.
"But I thought you loved me," Marlene said, a smile reaching her lips.
"What is love?" Remus asked so seriously, the class couldn't take it. Even McGonagall was laughing. James and Sirius found the floor a good place to laugh, and I had completely lost it too, letting myself laugh at the irony of the situation.
Remus was redder than I had ever seen him. McGonagall put herself back together and told Remus and Marlene that they were done. Remus ran back to his seat while Marlene laughed her way back, almost falling on the ground.
"What is love?" James asked Remus when he returned.
"Shut up," Remus said, smiling a little.
"We'll continue our lesson tomorrow," McGonagall said, hushing us all. "You may leave."
A/n: This is based on something that actually happened to me in my heath class, and maybe it was funnier in person, but damn, it was the funniest thing ever! Tell if I should continue. Oh, and I realized that back in the 70's they didn't know much about STDs and stuff so I don't think I'll have Chlamydia and stuff in there. Review! Tell me if it sucked! Oh, and sorry if there was any spelling mistakes. I'm too tired to go and fix them, haha.
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