Part V
For Disclaimers and author's notes, see Part I. Sorry I forgot to take the formatting stuff out last chapter; I'll remember from now on I hope. Here's another chapter sooner than you probably expected to make up for it, lol.
Harry woke up early the next morning and spent much of the day polishing the silver at his aunt's request. His mind was on Hermione the entire time. He had lost his parents before he'd even gotten to know them and Sirius's death still ached like an open wound, but he still couldn't quite imagine losing someone who was both a sibling and a close friend. Sure, he'd been concerned when the dementors were bearing down on his idiotic cousin the summer before, but his relationship with Dudley had always been more like tormentor/victim than relatives that cared for one another, so it bore little resemblance to Hermione's relationship with her late sister.
Around four in the afternoon, a tawny owl swooped through his window and dropped a letter into his lap. He stole a glance at the door to make sure his aunt hadn't seen this; he didn't feel like a lecture. Once he was sure that his 'transgression' had gone undetected, he hurriedly opened his mail. There, on the official Hogwarts stationary, was the following missive:
Dear Mr. Potter,
I am writing to inform you of your scores on your recent Ordinary Wizarding Level (O.W.L) examinations. You will also find a book list enclosed that encompasses all the texts you will need for the courses you've been accepted into for the following year. The courses you are enrolled in are starred next to your score on their exam in the list below. Please contact me if you wish to make any changes in your schedule before the term begins. I need hardly remind you to be certain you've completed all the summer homework for those classes.
Charms … A *
Transfiguration … E *
Herbology … A *
Defense Against the Dark Arts … O *
Potions … O *
Care of Magical Creatures … E *
Astronomy … A *
Divination … D
History of Magic …P
I trust that your family will enjoy hearing of your satisfactory performance on these examinations and - Mr. Potter - congratulations.
Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Harry gave the book list a cursory glance, but mostly he was elated by his results. He was surprised that he'd managed to pass Astronomy despite the large distraction that had been staged during the practical portion of that exam. He was frankly glad that he could give up both Divination and History of Magic, and although he was not looking forward to continuing lessons with Snape, he did wish he could have seen the greasy professor's face when he received Harry's O.W.L. results. Harry was sure he'd be livid at the prospect of continuing to teach him and wondered if Snape would demand a recount of Harry's score. That thought made him chuckle softly.
Harry finished polishing the last teaspoon and packed it away carefully, then headed up to his room to work on his summer homework. He looked forward to calling Hermione because he was sure she'd be ecstatic over her exam results. Despite the myriad of distractions they'd faced, he couldn't imagine Hermione getting lower than an 'Acceptable' on any of her tests.
As if summoned by the thought of Hermione, Hedwig was sitting on his windowsill when Harry entered the room. A large box was harnessed around her middle, but she looked patient and unruffled by the extra burden. Harry quickly detached it and refilled her water container. She hooted softly in appreciation as Harry sat down on his bed to unwrap the package.
Inside, Harry found a stuffed brown rabbit, a length of silver ribbon, and a piece of parchment bearing Hermione's familiar script:
Dear Harry,
Thank you so much for your kindness and sympathy last night. It is not easy for me to talk about my sister, but to you it just came naturally. I also appreciated your sending Hedwig to me when you did. She was able to nestle into my chest and comfort me as only a living being could. It meant more to me than I could say, and I'm sending this to you as a small token of my gratitude.
This is Jack, my Velveteen Rabbit. Daddy bought him for me just after Viola passed away. She used to love that book, and holding him made me feel closer to her somehow. I've slept with him since I was seven.
I even took Jack to Hogwarts with me. I was homesick at first and he made me feel less alone during those first few weeks. Lavender teased me about sleeping with a stuffed animal at my age and I went to Professor McGonagall in tears. She enchanted the enclosed silver ribbon for me. It's an invisibility marquee; when you tie it around Jack's neck he disappears (although you can still find him by touch). I've been using it ever since so the other girls have no idea that I still sleep with him at night. Of course, now I really wouldn't care if they laughed at me, but it's still easier to avoid bringing it up. Ginny knows about him, of course. In fact, I think she gave the twins the idea for their headless hats.
I'd like to be able to give Jack to you for good, but I'm afraid that I'll miss him once we return to Hogwarts, so I may ask for him back once we return to school. For now, sending him to you was the best way I could come up with to give you a hug from this far away. I've hugged him countless times, so I hope that when you hug him you can get one of those hugs back. I know you could probably use a hug this summer.
Love,
Hermione
Harry immediately hugged the bunny tightly and noticed that he smelled like Hermione. He couldn't quite describe the scent - one part Hogwarts library, one part pumpkin juice, and one part something uniquely Hermione - but it was comforting all the same. He was gently reverent with the creature who had brought so much comfort to his friend all these years. Especially during the months before he and Ron saved her from the mountain troll on that fateful Hallowe'en, Jack must have been her only friend at Hogwarts. Harry caressed the bunny's worn face and then tied the ribbon around Jack's neck in a sloppy bow, which made him disappear as promised. Although Harry wasn't exactly ashamed of the rabbit, he suspected that if Dudley ever saw it he would make Lavender's old teasing seem like supportive encouragement.
As he was carefully positioning Jack to the right of his pillow, Harry realized that he no longer had an excuse to put off talking to Hermione about Sirius. She had just shared several of her most personal secrets with him. If she trusted him enough to do that, he knew he should trust her enough to discuss how he was really feeling. With Hedwig and Hermione's rabbit there for moral support, there was no use prolonging the inevitable.
Having made that momentous decision, Harry promptly set his alarm clock for 11:30 and fell asleep with an arm slung over Jack. He slept straight on through dinner, so when his alarm buzzed at 11:30, his stomach was making all sorts of protestations. He snuck downstairs to grab the phone and a quick piece of toast. However, he realized that his stomach's aerobics were only partially due to hunger - mostly, they were just nerves. After forcing down a single slice of dry toast, Harry hurried back up to his room.
He lay on his bed with the phone on his chest, trying to plan out what he wanted to say. 'Hermione, it's high time we talked about Sirius.' No, too direct. 'Hermione, I've been thinking about what you said last week and I think you were right. I am grieving and the only healthy way to cope with it is to discuss my emotions rationally.' No, too long-winded. It sounded more like Hermione than Harry. 'I miss him, Hermione.' No, too out of the blue. 'Hagrid told me that I had to talk to someone about Sirius soon and I'm afraid Aunt Petunia'd have a heart attack if he showed up here again. So I guess I might as well talk to you about it.' No, no, no! That made it sound like she was just some random person and that wasn't true at all.
Harry took a deep breath and dialed the phone. "Hello?" came the expected answer.
"Hi, Hermione. I think I'm finally ready. Thanks for being so patient. I… I miss Sirius. It's just… I never remember having a father or a brother or an uncle… well, I had Uncle Vernon but he wasn't really what you'd call…"
"A father figure?" Hermione suggested quietly.
"Exactly. Sirius was, though. He was all of those things rolled into one, and he was my friend on top of it all."
"I know he was, Harry," Hermione said, just to reassure him that she was there.
"I mean, I love my father, but he's just an image to me really. A name. A face. But not quite a person…" Harry struggled to explain.
"Your father was an ideal, but you'd actually gotten to know Sirius," Hermione supplied, "You knew him - faults and all."
"Right. He… he was there for me as often as he could be. He took stupid risks just to make sure I was okay. He always wanted to be where he could help me if I needed him. Sirius broke out of Azkaban, which had never been done before, just to make sure Peter wouldn't hurt me. He lived in a cave, eating rats for months so he could be near me during the tournament. He endured that awful old house because it helped the Order and they were helping keep me safe. He even went to the Department of Mysteries against Dumbledore's orders because he knew I was in danger…" Harry trailed off with a muffled sob.
"He loved you, Harry," Hermione said simply.
"I know and I loved him too," Harry sighed, "I wish I had gotten to know him better. Even though he couldn't spring me out of the Dursleys' house, I had so many things I wanted to ask him about. He knew my parents and I always meant to find out more from him about them."
"Well, Professor Lupin knew them too. Maybe he can help with that some," Hermione suggested softly.
"I know, but it's not the same. He was Dad's best friend, he could've helped me know my father and even my mother as people rather than just ideas. If only I'd bothered to ask," Harry berated himself.
"You never thought there'd be a time limit on your ability to ask those questions though," Hermione reasoned gently, "They're hard to ask and I'm sure you knew it'd be hard for him to talk about them."
"Yeah, I guess," Harry acquiesced. "It's not just them, though. I always wanted to talk to Sirius about other things, too. Like the Tri-wizard Tasks and… Cho. He was the only one I would've felt comfortable going to for advice about that."
Hermione answered in a voice that was oddly muffled, "Well… I am a girl, Harry. I can try to help you out with stuff like that in the future."
"I know you are, and I appreciated your help," Harry reassured her, adding only to himself ' but there are some things that I need to ask a guy about. Like how far should you go on a first date, and how best to let a girl know you want to kiss her. I could never ask any girl those things. And, you know… there are some things I'm not sure you'd be comfortable with me asking you about - like why it bugs me so much when everyone assumes you're my girlfriend even though you're not or why I was upset that your mum hoped you were talking to Ron late at night'
"Thanks," she replied, sounding a little more normal, "I'm glad you feel like you can talk to me about him now anyway."
"Yeah," Harry agreed, realizing that this talk was long overdue but that he wasn't close to being finished exorcizing his demons about Sirius's death. "It was so… sudden. I mean, before the members of the Order of the Phoenix arrived, I was sure all six of us were goners. When you went down to that curse… I was so paralyzed I could hardly react to the fight that was still going on. I was afraid that I had lost you. Then when Neville found your pulse, I could actually breathe again."
"I… I didn't know," Hermione replied, her voice sounding more flustered than he could ever remember.
"Yeah. But even after that, when Ron and Luna and Ginny got hurt… I was sure the Death Eaters were going to end up killing all of us. When Sirius and Tonks and Lupin and everyone showed up, I thought we were saved for sure. It never really occurred to me that one of them could die," Harry choked a little on the last word.
"It was… Neville said it happened very quickly," Hermione encouraged him to continue.
"Yeah. Dumbledore had just gotten there and everything was going our way. Sirius was taunting his horrific cousin and then… he just fell through that idiotic veil. I mean, how can a stupid piece of fabric kill someone?" Harry demanded.
"I don't know," Hermione replied apologetically, "It seemed peculiar the first time we were in that room."
"I guess. If Lupin hadn't held me back, I would have followed him through to try to bring him back out," Harry said savagely. Hermione gasped, but he continued, "I kept thinking that Dumbledore or someone would be able to pull him back through and it'd all be okay, just like when Neville found your pulse. It wasn't, though. I think part of me is still screaming as he falls and refusing to believe that he's gone."
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sympathized, apparently at a loss for words.
"I know he can't come back," Harry said quickly to let her know he wasn't completely crazy. "I even asked Sir Nicholas how people become ghosts, but I guess the veil made that impossible for Sirius. He didn't have his mirror, either, so I couldn't talk to him through that."
"Mirror? What mirror?" Hermione asked gently.
"The one he gave me for Christmas," Harry sighed bitterly, "He said I should use it to tell him if Snape was picking on me during Occlumency lessons, but I never even opened the package until after he died. I had just stuffed it at the bottom of my trunk and… forgotten about it. See, when he gave it to me, I was afraid that it was some sort of magical alarm and that it would make him come to Hogwarts to string up Snape or something. So, I promised myself I'd never use it because I didn't want to lure him out of Grimmauld Place and have him get captured. Fat lot of good that did me."
"Your heart was in the right place," Hermione assured him, "How did the mirror work?"
Harry was aware that she was trying to distract him, but he humoured her anyway, "They're two-way mirrors. Sirius's note said he and Dad used to use them when they were in separate detentions. If you say the person's name who has the other mirror into yours, his face will appear in your mirror and you can talk to each other."
"That sounds really ingenious," Hermione said with only slightly false enthusiasm, "I wonder who came up with it."
"They probably did," Harry said indifferently, "McGonagall said they were really smart about stuff like that - a lot like Fred and George."
"I'd like to see it, if you'd let me," Hermione ventured.
"You can't," Harry snapped, harsher than he intended, "When I couldn't use it to contact Sirius, I threw it into my trunk and it shattered."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Hermione apologized immediately.
"It's okay, you didn't know," replied Harry graciously, feeling guilty for hurting her. "I shouldn't have done it. It was my last gift from him and I… I broke it in a fit of rage." A single tear ran down his cheek as he realized that since his knife had melted and his broom was still locked away somewhere at Hogwarts, he no longer had anything whole that Sirius had given him.
"You didn't mean to…" she trailed off, then asked hesitantly, "Um, Harry? Do you still have the pieces of the mirror?"
"I think so, I haven't really cleaned out my trunk since then. Why?"
"Well, if you wanted me to, I could try to put it back together," she offered, "Then if Lupin or Tonks could find Sirius's half, you and Ron could use them when you're in detention. Sort of carry on the tradition?"
"So you think Ron and I are destined to be in detention again this year?" he teased, trying not to get his hopes up on her being able to fix it.
"Sorry, I was just…" she stammered.
"Don't worry about it, I seem to land in detention about as often as I'm in the hospital wing," he joked, reassuring her that he wasn't actually offended. Then, struck by sudden inspiration, he continued, "If you do fix it and we find the other one, I want you to keep it. That way, we can keep talking at night even once we get back to Hogwarts."
"I'd like that," Hermione replied, sounding inordinately excited at the idea, "I could teach you a Silencio Bubble so your dorm-mates wouldn't be disturbed by your voice."
"That would be nice," Harry agreed. He immediately cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder, slipped out of bed, grabbed an envelope, and carefully culled through his trunk for every last shard of the mirror. He sealed the envelope carefully and attached it to Hedwig's leg with a warning that she should be extra cautious with this parcel. She hooted derisively, as if to say she was always careful, and then took off in the familiar direction of the Grangers' house.
As he had been busy in his trunk, Harry had heard Hermione flipping through textbooks and muttering to herself. Finally she said triumphantly, "I think I found a spell they might have based it on, Harry!,"
"That's great!" Harry cried, then - remembering to lower his voice - continued, "I just sent Hedwig to you with the pieces. Promise you won't do any magic that'd get yourself expelled," he added as an afterthought.
"Oh, I won't," she laughed. "I'll just spell-o-tape it together like a jigsaw, and then send the whole thing to Professor McGonagall with the enchantments I've looked up that I think might return it to working order. I think she'd be willing to fix it for us - it's an academic challenge after all and she always enjoys those."
"Hermione, if you asked her to, she'd probably let you splatter-paint the Great Hall and tie-die your robes," Harry answered, trying to sound solemn.
"Why would I want to do that?" Hermione asked, apparently duped into thinking he was serious.
"You wouldn't," he said exasperatedly, "but she likes you enough to let you do it if you had a good reason for it - just like the time turner."
"Are you calling me a teacher's pet, Harry James Potter?" Hermione asked, taking mock-offense and unconsciously turning on her 'McGonagall voice.'
"No I'm not, Hermione Jane Granger," he said, aping her tone, "I'm just saying that Professor McGonagall would be more likely to do you a favour than she would me or Ron because you're such a responsible, reasonable, reliable prefect."
"Hmph," she replied, but he could tell she wasn't really upset. "I'd be more of all of those things if I didn't have you two around as bad influences."
"You wouldn't have as much fun, though, would you?" Harry cajoled.
"No, I suppose not," Hermione relented. "And if Professor McGonagall can't or won't help me, I bet the twins would. They're of age, so they can use magic whenever and however they want to."
"That's a good idea," Harry agreed, "and they wouldn't worry that you'd be tempted to use it at night when you should be sleeping."
"Good point," Hermione replied, "Maybe I should just send it to them to begin with."
"I think I would," Harry grinned. "Professor McGonagall might feel obligated to confiscate something like that if she thought we could make mischief with it."
"That's true," Hermione allowed, "All right then, I'll do the spell-o-tape and research bits, and then send it off to the twins' laboratory."
They lapsed into silence for a few minutes. Hermione was probably looking up more spells that might be useful on magic mirrors. Harry's thoughts drifted back toward Sirius. Talking to Hermione about him helped, and he hoped she and Fred and George would be able to mend the mirror so he'd have another way to remember him. Still, he wasn't sure he'd exhausted all the feelings he needed to explore.
Harry crawled back into his bed, tucked himself in, and found Jack to cuddle against himself. He loosened the invisibility ribbon and looked into the bunny's amber eyes - somehow they reminded him of Hermione's, and he knew he still needed to talk to her. His next volley of words burst forth like a mountain stream - unrehearsed and unfiltered, "I guess I've been avoiding talking about Sirius because I miss him so much and I feel so incredibly guilty about his death. He was my guardian, yet it's my fault that he died. If only I had listened to you instead of charging off to the Ministry… If only I'd practiced Occlumency like you and Dumbledore and even Snape told me to… If only I had remembered the Christmas package when I needed to get in touch with him… If only I had only remembered that Snape is in the Order too… none of this would have happened," Harry's conclusion was interrupted by a dry sob, but he plunged on, "I tried to blame Dumbledore and Snape and even that foul sneak Kreacher, but there's really no one to blame but myself. Everyone tried to warn me but I was so sure I knew better. I alone understood Voldemort's plan because I had this special connection to him. And I was so curious about the bloody Department of Mysteries that I played right into his hands. I didn't try to stop the dreams, even though I could have. Snape accused me of feeling important because of the visions and maybe he was right. I was scared by the dreams of course, but they also made me feel like I was doing something for our side - counter-intelligence, you know? I even looked forward to dreaming about the corridor because I wanted to know what was on that shelf so badly. I was a fool, Hermione, and someone I loved very much paid the ultimate price for my foolishness."
"Harry… I know you're grieving and I understand why you feel like you need to blame someone - even if it's yourself. But you need to remember that you did the best you could with the information you were given. No one thinks you were foolish, least of all me. Many people have been tricked by one of Voldemort's plots."
"Yeah, but I should have known better. You warned me that the dream I had might have been an illusion, but I was too stubborn to listen," Harry groaned, "I don't know how you can keep from saying 'I told you so,' you certainly have reason to."
"I would never say that to you, Harry. I screwed up worse than you did. You had the excuse of being emotionally invested; I had no reason to forget Snape's position in the Order. I'm sorry Harry, truly," Hermione said softly.
"Don't blame yourself," Harry bit out, "It's my bloody fault."
"No, it's not," she argued soberly. "Harry, if I'd seen Viola being tortured in a dream, I doubt that I would even have stopped to tell you and Ron about it. I would have jumped on the nearest broomstick and flown to where ever the dream had taken place, even though I hate flying and there's no way such a dream could reflect reality. In many ways I admired your restraint."
"You don't have to defend me, Hermione. I know I messed up," Harry said flatly.
"People make mistakes, Harry. Hug Jack for a second; he always loved me in spite of my mistakes," Hermione directed, little imagining that Harry was already clinging to her rabbit desperately, "Anyway, I want you to remember that you didn't cause Sirius's death; Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange did. Besides, Sirius himself chose to put his life on the line that night - no one forced him to do that."
"Maybe, but nobody would have been in danger that night if I hadn't been such an idiot. I ignored your warnings and Dumbledore's and everyone else's. I dragged you and Ron and Ginny and Neville and Luna into a perilous situation and we're lucky any of us came out alive. Tonks was injured for me and Sirius… Sirius died. Because he loved me too much to let other people fight my battles rather than doing it himself," Harry choked back, squeezing the bunny as if his life depended on it.
"We were all there because we love and trust you, Harry, but it wasn't you who put us in danger. Voldemort and his ruddy Death Eaters did that. They're the evil ones, not you."
Harry sighed, "It was all so pointless, though. Nothing was gained from that experience and Sirius's death was so very sudden and senseless. The wizarding populace still thinks he was a murderer after all he did to help keep them and me safe," Harry added bitterly.
"Well, we'll see if we can eventually find enough evidence to clear his name posthumously. If Peter Pettigrew is eventually captured as a Death Eater it'll go a long way toward proving his innocence," she pointed out soothingly.
"I guess that might help a little," Harry agreed grudgingly, "At least then he could have a proper headstone in a wizard cemetery - someplace I could go to grieve openly."
"Exactly. I think having his name cleared would make him happy," Hermione encouraged, "Besides, his death really wasn't pointless, Harry. Because we had a showdown with Death Eaters in the Ministry of Magic, Minister Fudge was forced to take his head out of the sand and finally admit that there is trouble brewing. That's enormously important. Also, Lucius Malfoy and Macnair and other Death Eaters who'd passed as respectable citizens since the first reign of terror were seen for what they really were - spineless cowards."
"So? Didn't everyone already know that about them?" asked Harry sullenly.
"No, they didn't. Particularly not about Malfoy," Hermione explained matter-of-factly. "I suspect that Minister Fudge may not hold his office down much longer. Having Malfoy outed as a Death Eater becomes extremely important in that case. If he hadn't been, he might have been able to weasel his way into the Minister's position, or at least a high-ranking post. Now that the general population knows him for what he is, that won't happen. Imagine all the damage a true Voldemort supporter could have done. When a selectively-blind Minister allowed him to accomplish so much in a year, the outcome of one of his compatriots in that position would be catastrophic!"
Harry wasn't sure that he agreed with her reasoning at first, "So if Malfoy and the others hadn't gotten themselves caught, you think one of them would have become Minister? Yeah, that would've been worse for us."
"Exactly," Hermione said, "They could've pushed through all sorts of Anti-Muggle laws. I mean, look at the lengths Fudge went to in trying to bring Hogwarts under Ministry control. A power-hungry Death Eater would be much, much worse."
"I know," Harry agreed. "Even Umbridge would be worse - she'd pass anti 'half-breed' laws and make things miserable for Hagrid and Remus and even poor Firenze."
"Yeah," Hermione agreed fervently. Then, suddenly sounding as if a pent-up thought was about to burst free she added, "Say, speaking of Hagrid and Firenze… did your O.W.L. results come today?"
"They did. Did yours? I wasn't sure they'd be able to get through your security measures," Harry replied.
"Well, since McGonagall helped set them up, letters from her are allowed," Hermione explained. "How did they go?"
"Really well, actually," said Harry, glad he had good news to tell her. "I failed Divination, and History of Magic of course, but I managed to scrape through in all the others. I even got an 'O' in Potions so Snape will have to take me again!"
"That's wonderful, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "I just knew you could do it."
"Thanks," Harry said, glad she couldn't see his blush, "I'm sure you passed all of yours. Did you break Percy's record?"
"I don't think so," Hermione laughed. "I got 'A's in History of Magic and Astronomy, 'E's in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Ancient Runes, and 'O's in everything else."
"Congratulations," said Harry sincerely, "I'm sure they'll make you head girl next year."
"Thank you, Harry," Hermione replied, almost shyly.
"Of course," Harry answered, "And Hermione? Thanks for listening to me talk about Sirius. It's… it's not easy, but I think you were right that I needed to do it."
"You're welcome. You can talk to me about him anytime you feel the need to," Hermione promised.
"Thanks," Harry yawned, "I know it's early, but I'm actually pretty worn out."
"Well, we were up really late last night, so that makes sense. Call me tomorrow?"
"You can count on it. Goodnight, Hermione."
"Goodnight, Harry." As he tiptoed downstairs to hang up the phone, Harry realized that talking to Hermione about Sirius had felt pretty natural. He hadn't cared that she knew he was crying; she'd cried openly on the phone the night before. He knew having Ron hear him cry would still make him uncomfortable, but somehow with Hermione it didn't bother him.