I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I associated with anybody who has become rich because of a young British wizard with a scar on his forehead. I'm also not a member of The Cardigans, I'm just a fan.
This chapter is later than I would have liked, but it's because I'm trying to get "Off Balance" finished before "Deathly Hallows" comes out. Please be patient. Also, enjoy this chapter!
Chapter 5: Been It
In retrospect, Harry found it a bit odd that he'd never before imagined what it would be like to kiss Hermione Granger. She was a girl, after all, and a rather attractive one, at that. They had spent loads of time together and she was even prone to grabbing his arm or giving him a hug from time to time. Yet he had never once thought about kissing her.
'Clearly that was a mistake,' Harry thought to himself. After the initial shock made his jaw drop (and his mouth open), he had been even more surprised to find Hermione's tongue exploring his mouth as though it had already done so a thousand times. Perhaps the most shocking thing of all, however, was just how pleasurable the kiss itself was. 'Is this what snogging's supposed to be like?' Harry wondered to himself. 'Bloody hell. No wonder I ditched Ginny for Hermione.'
That thought was enough to make him pull away, although luckily for him Hermione seemed to want to stop at the same time. Too stunned to say anything, Harry simply stared into Hermione's eyes, perhaps waiting for her to explain things to him, as she usually did. "You're not Harry."
If any more shock could be registered in Harry's expression, he didn't know how. "What? What do you mean?"
"I mean you're not Harry," Hermione repeated, this time withdrawing her wand and pointing it at him. "The real Harry doesn't kiss like a hormone-crazed sixteen-year-old boy. So if you'd like to tell me who it is that I actually just snogged…"
"Seventeen, actually," Harry corrected her without thinking. "I just had my birthday a few weeks ago. Look, I really am Harry. It's just…I'm not the Harry you know. I'm from the past."
Hermione's eyes widened as she began to figure things out. "You're having a vision, aren't you? In the Oracular Tower." Her entire demeanor had changed quickly, as she went from seductive girlfriend to suspicious and peeved witch in the space of less than a few seconds. Now the expression on her face seemed to be changing again, to one of shame. "You must think I've become a terrible person."
"No," Harry replied, hoping to reassure her. In fact, he had barely even had time to process what was happening here. "No, I don't think that at all. If anything, I'm the one who's become a terrible person. I'm married to someone else."
Hermione shook her head, denying Harry the luxury of absolving her from her guilt. "I've known you were married all along, Harry. You even invited me to your wedding. I didn't go, though. It's just as well; I would have cried uncontrollably through the whole thing."
"You're….you're in love with me, then?" Harry asked in a bewildered voice. Hermione could only nod in reply. "For how long?"
Hermione laughed then, although there were unshed tears in her eyes. "I don't know, really. I was such a mess back at Hogwarts. It probably wasn't a good idea for an emotionally fragile young girl who'd never had any friends to suddenly have two best friends who were boys." Her eyes locked on his and shone with sincerity. "It feels like I've been in love with you forever, though."
Harry sat back down on Hermione's couch, practically unable to stand. "And we've been having an…you know, one of those things you read about…"
"An affair," Hermione confirmed unhappily. "Yes. I know it's hard for you to accept, but…you should know…both of us fought it for the longest time. We never meant to hurt anyone."
Harry thought back to the look of pain on Ginny's face as she'd left him only an hour or so before. "I think we did, though." Harry looked up at her, desperate for more answers. "How did it start?"
Hermione bit her bottom lip as she considered the best way to explain everything. "Maybe I should show you." She walked away from him for a moment and then returned with a small box. "Do you think you could see something in a pensieve during a vision?"
Harry shrugged. "I dunno. It's worth a shot, though." As Hermione raised her wand to her temple, Harry looked worried. "This isn't going to be us…doing anything, is it?" As mixed up as he was about all of this, Harry was quite sure that he wasn't ready to see Hermione and himself in flagrante.
"No," Hermione answered simply as she put the memory into the pensieve using her wand. "Come on. I'll explain what's going on once we're inside."
***
Harry found himself standing right next to Hermione in Diagon Alley on a windy spring day. "This was where we met for the first time after Ron and I broke up," Hermione gestured to the store in front of them. "Flourish and Blott's. We hadn't seen each other in nearly a year." Harry caught a glimpse of an older version of himself, looking distracted and wandering along aimlessly. Hermione, meanwhile, was walking up an aisle carrying an armload of books and not looking where she was going. It seemed inevitable that they would crash into each other, but Harry dodged just in time, his reflexes seemingly as sharp as ever.
"Do you need any help with those, miss?" Harry asked politely, although his expression changed markedly once he saw that it was Hermione's face hidden behind a stack of books.
"Actually, I wouldn't mind…" Hermione froze as well, her eyes now fixed on Harry's. "Harry."
"Hello, Hermione," he heard himself say in a very shy voice. "It's good to see you again."
"You too," Hermione agreed vapidly. "How's Ginny?"
"Fine," Harry informed her, although he was not looking her in the eye. "She's fine."
"You were lying to me," Hermione told Harry in a whisper as the two of them watched their pensieve counterparts. "I could always tell, you know."
"This is a bit awkward, isn't it?" 'memory Harry' asked with a laugh.
"A little," Hermione agreed with a polite laugh of her own. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have all of these books in my arms."
"Oh, right," Harry chided himself. "The books. Here, let me." Harry took several of the large reference books and placed them on a nearby table. "Some gentleman I am."
Now that the books were out of the way, Harry could plainly see that she was beaming at him. "You're a perfect gentleman, Harry. As always." She then winced apologetically, deciding to face the tension between them head on. "I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch."
Harry looked relieved that she had broached the subject first. "It's as much my fault as yours, really. You don't have to apologize."
"But you've been busy with your new wife, your new house, your new job…" Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You're not exactly hard to keep tabs on, you know. The Daily Prophet won't shut up about you."
Harry smiled at that. "Unfortunately for me, that's true. But I should never be too busy for you." Hermione's eyes darted away from his as 'memory Harry' continued, "Just because things didn't work out between you and Ron doesn't mean we can't still be friends."
Hermione looked up at him then, as though that piece of information had startled her. "It doesn't?"
"Of course not," Harry replied with a frown. "We should get together sometime and have lunch. Or coffee or something. Ron doesn't have to know."
Hermione looked pained. "He's still mad at me, isn't he?"
"I think 'afraid of you' might be the proper term," Harry informed her with a grimace. "He won't even say your name anymore."
Hermione looked down at her shoes. "I never meant for things to get so complicated between us."
Harry nodded and took Hermione's hand, giving it a friendly squeeze. "I know." Their eyes met and a soft smile formed on both of their lips. "How about meeting tomorrow for lunch? I'm afraid I'm running late for an appointment today."
"I can't," Hermione replied apologetically. "I'm swamped at work. This is the only day I've had off for weeks now."
"Sometime in the next few weeks, then," Harry promised vaguely and with an air of sadness about him. Hermione nodded, seeming equally disappointed. "It was good to see you again, Hermione."
"You, too," Hermione said softly as she turned back around to gather her books together.
"It was all my fault, you see," Hermione told Harry as they watched their pensieve selves walk away from each other. "It would have been nothing more than a casual reunion between two old friends destined to go their separate ways again if I hadn't done this."
"Harry, wait!" Hermione called after him. Harry stopped dead in his tracks as Hermione ran to where he was, forsaking her books and taking his hands in her own. "This is what all sorts of old friends who don't really want to see each other again do, isn't it?"
Harry nodded, grinning widely at Hermione's perceptiveness. "I had almost the exact same conversation with Seamus Finnigan just the other week." Whatever emotional barriers had existed between them now visibly began to break. "And believe me, Hermione, you mean a lot more to me than Seamus Finnigan."
"Let's not do this, then," Hermione said enthusiastically as she entwined her fingers with Harry's. "I don't care how busy things get at work, I'll make time to see you tomorrow."
"I, erm, don't really have an appointment," Harry admitted sheepishly.
"I know," Hermione told him with a warm smile. "You want to get some coffee? I sometimes visit a little café not far from here that would be the perfect place for us to catch up. The owner's a friend, so I'm sure she'd be willing to give us some privacy."
Harry's smile mirrored her own. "I'd like that."
"We had several more meetings like that," Hermione continued as the two of them pulled their heads from the pensieve. "Lunches in private. Dinner for two at a secluded restaurant. Having to keep things secret from Ron and Ginny made it all the more exciting. Then, as one of our little meetings was winding down, you kissed me."
"I kissed you," Harry repeated, as if the concept were completely foreign to him.
"Yes," Hermione insisted tersely. "You apologized profusely and swore that it would never happen again…but it did, only a few weeks later. That's when we agreed that we couldn't see each other anymore."
Harry shook his head in disbelief. "Obviously that didn't take."
"A few months went by," Hermione explained. "Four months, actually. Four painful, grueling, agonizing months where I didn't see you at all. It was during those same four months that I figured out I was in love with you.
"Then…well, I already have the pensieve out. Maybe I should show you that memory as well."
Once the two of them put their heads inside the pensieve, Harry found himself inside a slightly different flat that was still distinctly Hermione's. "This was my first flat. It was about a week after my twentieth birthday. I remember because I had just received a belated birthday gift from my cousin Clarence in the post." Hermione smiled wistfully. "I've relived this day so many times I feel like I must be boring you. But this is all new to you, isn't it?" Harry nodded, fearing that if he spoke he would somehow make things worse; that this entire experience would seem real, rather than as utterly fantastic as it did to him now. "It was raining pretty heavily outside." Hermione pointed to her past self as she approached the door. "I go to the door to see if Crookshanks wants in. But when I open it…"
"Harry," 'memory Hermione' exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here? We're not supposed to…" Harry was dripping wet from the rain outside and did not appear to be in a very good mood. "Come in."
Harry still said nothing as he entered Hermione's flat. "You must be freezing. Here, give me your coat." She removed Harry's soaked jacket and hung it on a nearby coat rack. Hermione then bade Harry take a seat and sat down next to him. "Is something wrong, Harry?"
"You mean other than everything?" Harry asked bitterly as he threw his face into his open hands, wiping the rain from his skin slowly. "I can't do this anymore, Hermione. I can't live a lie."
Hermione's voice became soft; so soft that Harry could barely hear it. "It's been hard for me too, Harry. I missed you so much when we were best friends, but then…just when we were on the verge of becoming more…"
Harry shook his head dismissively. "It's not only that, Hermione. I've been researching the final battle and there are things that...something isn't right."
Hermione looked stung. "Oh." Despite the misunderstanding, Hermione appeared determined to remain supportive and put her hand on Harry's shoulder. "I know what a big event it was in your life, Harry, but Voldemort's dead. He's gone. You killed him. Does it really matter how?"
"Yes," Harry exclaimed forcefully. "It matters. For seven years, Voldemort made my life hell and then, after hundreds of good people die in a battle to stop him, I miraculously make him explode without a spell or an incantation or a weapon or even a thought. I need to know how I did that. I need to know before I do it again."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You won't do it again. We've gone over this before. It was probably pent up magic born of righteous anger. Just like when you blew up your Aunt Marge before third year."
"Aunt Marge was a muggle, Hermione," Harry countered emphatically. "Voldemort was one of the most powerful wizards who ever lived. I hardly think it's the same." Harry then seemed to make a conscious effort to lower his voice. "Look, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to tell you that I've discovered something. I can't give you all the details right now, but…if I'm right, then my marriage to Ginny was based on a lie."
This captured the attention of both 'memory Hermione' and Harry. "What?!" they exclaimed in unison.
"I…I know what this must sound like, but you've got to believe me," Harry implored, his eyes pleading with her. "I think I've been in love with you all along."
Hermione's eyes began to tear up. "Oh, Harry," she cried out as she threw her arms around him. "I love you, too. So much."
The memory ended abruptly then and Harry and Hermione soon found themselves back in the present (or the future, depending on your perspective). "Why did the memory end there?" Harry demanded of Hermione.
Hermione smirked. "You're the one who didn't want to see us doing anything. I'm afraid we began doing things pretty quickly after what you just saw."
Harry's face turned very red. "Oh." He recovered quickly, however. "So I really have been obsessed with the final battle, then?" Harry asked inquisitively. "I thought it might have been just a cover for my meetings with you."
"Sometimes it has been," Hermione answered him coyly. "Most of the time, though, you really have been conducting your own investigation into what happened that day."
Harry's eyebrows rose hopefully. "Did I find out anything?"
Hermione shook her head. "Nothing that you've told me. You haven't left Ginny, though, so I'm guessing that the idea of your marriage being based on a lie was a lie itself."
Harry quirked one eyebrow. "I thought you could tell if I was lying to you."
Hermione shrugged far too casually for Harry's taste. "I don't know anymore, Harry. Before the affair, I could read you like a book. But now…everything's different between us. "
Harry began pacing the floor of Hermione's flat nervously. "I need to get back. I have to change things."
Hermione looked thoughtful. "Have you considered that maybe this happened for a reason?"
He shook his head violently, unwilling to believe that. "No. None of these things have to happen. I can figure out how to defeat Voldemort without all of those people dying, I can get back to the tower…" Harry realized something suddenly. "Wait. The horcrux in the tower. What was it?"
Hermione looked puzzled. "The horcrux in the tower? What are you talking about? There was never any…"
In an instant, Hermione Granger no longer stood before him, nor was he inside a flat in London. Instead, he was once again staring at the candle holder and sitting on an old mattress in the Oracular Tower at Hogwarts. Feeling both completely confused and thoroughly exhausted, almost as if his body had been drained of all its energy, Harry fell back onto the bed and slept deeply.
***
The next day Harry spent busying himself cleaning his little room in the Oracular Tower, searching for the horcrux in the unyielding vastness that was the tower's closet and trying desperately not to think about Hermione. What it felt like to hold her, to kiss her, to…But no. He couldn't let himself go there. Ron and Hermione were practically a couple, just as he and Ginny were. That was how things were supposed to be. Having feelings for Hermione was the one thing that would wreck that future; the one thing that would make all of his dreams impossible. Harry came to a decision quickly. He would simply put the possibility of having a romantic relationship with Hermione out of his mind.
'Yeah,' Harry thought to himself, 'and all I have to do to end the war is simply defeat Voldemort. I don't really think there's anything simple about my relationship with Hermione.'
Another decision came much more easily. In his current state of confusion, Harry knew that it wouldn't be fair to Ginny to take her out on a date to Hogsmeade. Summoning Hedwig from her cage (and a fair bit of courage, as Ginny Weasley could cast one mean bat bogey hex), Harry scratched off a quick note on a piece of parchment, explaining to his ex-girlfriend that she had to remain his ex for just a little while longer.
Once night had fallen, Harry couldn't bring himself to do anything other than stare at the ceiling as he waited for Hermione to visit him. What would he say to her? 'Well, Hermione, it seems that in the future we're having an affair. Also, your future self seems to think that you have more than friendly feelings for me. Care to comment?'
He couldn't do that. Hermione didn't deserve to be treated that way; she hadn't yet decided to have a relationship with a married man and, if Harry had his way, she never would. He would bear whatever guilt remained from their would-be relationship by himself. Still, Harry couldn't help but feel that things were bound to change between the two of them and most likely not for the better. Perhaps if he could end Hermione's confusion and finally get her to go out on a real date with Ron, things could work out between the three of them. Their friendship would be saved.
Hermione practically slammed the door open as she entered the tower, clearly out of breath and just as clearly in a very foul mood. "There's a heartbroken girl who's been crying her eyes out in the Gryffindor girls' dormitory all day. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
Harry shook his head slightly. "I didn't expect her to take it so hard. She was fine when we broke things off at Dumbledore's funeral." He looked her over with a small smile as she glared at him in silence. "Oh and hello to you, too."
"I hardly think that she was really 'fine' then and she's definitely not 'fine' now," Hermione fumed. "You had a vision, didn't you? You saw something about how your relationship with Ginny was going to go and you decided to break it off before that could happen."
Harry's eyes met Hermione's, both of them fixed with unapologetically bold glares. "If you must know, that's exactly what happened. Although I don't see why you're making such a big deal over it."
"I'm making a big deal because I expected better of you," Hermione chided him. "Ginny doesn't know where you are, what you're doing, or what she's done to deserve being brushed off this way. Which, of course, is nothing. It's cruel and unfair to hold Ginny responsible for something that hasn't happened yet."
"You don't know what I saw," Harry reminded Hermione sharply. For whatever reason, this discussion was making him very uncomfortable. "Believe me, Ginny and I are better off apart right now."
Hermione looked incredulous. "Don't do this, Harry. Don't start pushing people away just because of what you see up here. Whatever kind of nightmarish future you saw in your vision, it won't get any better by holding the people who care about you at arm's length."
Harry's eyes narrowed. "My relationship with Ginny is none of your business, Hermione." He felt like throwing things or yelling at Hermione for turning him into an emotional train wreck. He restrained himself from doing either thing, however, if only barely.
Harry would have had to have been blind not to notice the pained look on Hermione's face. "Fine," she retorted coldly. "Although I don't see why you're treating me so…" A thought seemed to occur to her suddenly. "You looked me up in the future, didn't you?" Their eyes met again and Hermione could see that it was true. "You found me and we weren't friends anymore. That's it, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Harry confessed with a half-truth. "We weren't friends." 'We were lovers,' he failed to add.
Hermione's eyes found the floor and she began to blink rapidly. "Oh. Well…I suppose that sort of thing happens sometimes when people get older." Clumsily, she deposited a few rolls of parchment at the foot of his bed. "Here's your homework," she said without looking at him. "I really don't feel very well, Harry. I think it would be best if I went to the Hospital Wing. I wouldn't want you to catch anything."
Harry did not believe this for even a second, as it was perhaps even easier for Harry to tell when Hermione was lying than vice versa. "Are you, erm, going with Ron to Hogsmeade?" he asked as she opened the door.
Without turning around, she answered. "I hadn't thought much about it." Hermione paused silently, presumably considering the matter. "Yes, I suppose I will."
Harry said nothing as Hermione exited, but was left with an odd empty feeling as she departed. He could not pinpoint the exact cause of it, but knew it must have something to do with Hermione. As he began examining her notes, Harry reassured himself that he was doing the right thing. 'It's for the sake of our friendship, after all,' he thought. 'I'm sure Hermione will thank me someday.' Absently, he wondered how long he would have to wait for that day to arrive.
No cliffhanger this time. All reviews are appreciated. I'm hoping I will not have to pause or neglect "Going On" in my quasi-maniacal effort to finish "Off Balance" on time. If I do, I'll post an Author's Note telling you so, but I'm hoping it won't come to that. Thanks for reading!
ITL