She should have seen it coming.
They were two completely different people, in nearly every respect. Harry was essentially the only thing they had in common, and they likely would never have talked to each other after first year if it wasn't for him.
So why was she so surprised when it all fell apart? Why was the shock so fresh, the pain so raw and great?
She would be lying if she said she hated Ron. No, after all the awful things he had said and often screamed at her, she did not hate him and she doubted she ever could. Hermione loved him deeply, even if he drove her positively mad. It's just that this time, all the love in the world was not enough. They just couldn't make a relationship work anymore, and she was madder than Trelawney if she was going to keep believing otherwise.
The bickering was no big deal at first. Throughout their schooling, they would always bicker about the stupidest things. Now that she looked back on it, S.P.E.W., Krum, Lavender, and everything else they ever fought about seemed like nothing. After all they had done and seen and been through on this godforsaken, never ending horcrux hunt made all of their school worries seem so petty. Hermione felt as though she'd give almost anything to have those simpler days back.
It was the summer after sixth year that they began to develop their relationship. As much as Hermione wanted to hold it off because she felt like they needed to concentrate on the tremendous task before them, Ron insisted. He wanted her, needed her now more than ever and she knew he was hurting and scared of what lay ahead. After an intoxicated dance at Bill and Fleur's wedding and first kisses that would forever remain blurred in her memory, Hermione decided to give in. It was what she wanted, wasn't it? And hadn't everyone always said that they would get together anyway, because they were simply perfect for each other?
Several months into the horcrux hunt, they were weary and growing desperate. While they had only managed to locate and destroy two horcruxes, Voldemort's power seem to grow more by the day. Communication with Lupin and other Order members revealed a disturbing amount of new killings every day, and even though they knew some of them, they realized it was only a matter of time before it hit very close to home. It didn't really matter whom, people were dying and they were still struggling to find answers. By spring they were forced to cut down communication with the Order drastically, so they were left mostly on their own. Three young adults, barely of age, forced to grow up too early and save the world before it was destroyed. It was an enormous burden, leaving no time for teenage problems.
The fights began to move from smaller things to bigger matters. Some days after a rough fight or a close brush with death, they would hold each other in their little battered tent, discussing love and life and a future beyond all this, whispering as not to wake Harry, though she knew he hardly ever slept anyway. Ron's vision of the future was much different than hers; he wanted a loving housewife with ten little Weasleys and a dog and a lovely house on a hill; she wanted to go on and do great things. After restoring the wizarding world, she would fight for the rights of elves and werewolves and giants and maybe pursue a career in medicine or teaching, she wasn't sure which. She didn't want to be an Auror anymore, she was so sick of fighting already, so tired of taking down the bad guys. What she did know, however, was that she wanted to make a difference in this world, which would take time, and even in five years she doubted she would be ready to start creating Weasley offspring. This upset Ron, of course, since he didn't understand why she still wanted to struggle for the elves and giants when she could be living such a peaceful existence with him and their little house.
That was another thing about Ron. He loved her dearly, but he never could understand her.
They began to fight more and more as the days passed. At first Hermione attributed it to stress; they were all so tired and overburdened that they would naturally be prone to fighting. Harry never fought, though, and it nearly broke Hermione's heart every time he would ask them to stop fighting with a sunken face and empty green eyes. Harry was suffering so much, she knew; he hardly ate or slept or even talked, and it felt so selfish to keep fighting. The world was counting on them, and she was still bickering with Ron over stupid things, wasting time while more people were dying still. It all just seemed so... pointless.
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The last fight, the one that ended it all, happened earlier that day. They had received a rare breakthrough in the location of another horcrux, and they faced their task eagerly, relieved to finally be doing something again. When they approached the run-down building where it was suspected to be, the sound of several people apparating filled the air, causing them to momentarily panic.
They barely had time to draw their wands before five death eaters were in front of them, murder painted on their faces. Barely seconds went by, curses and hexes flew every which way, three death eaters fell, Harry's wand had been taken from his grasp. Hermione saw the two death eaters point their wands at Ron and Harry, grinning madly, and she instinctively screamed "NO!" and jumped toward Harry, knocking him to the ground just in time as a flash of green buzzed closely over her shoulder.
Adrenaline pumping, she took out one bewildered death eater and Harry the other before she fell back to the ground, breathing fast and sweating. She looked at Ron for a moment, terrified of what she might see, but he had managed to dodge their curse and was sitting up, gazing at her with terrified eyes. She glanced back at Harry, who looked at her blankly before quickly enveloping her in a hug that nearly crushed her.
"Hermione... why would you... don't ever do that again," he whispered urgently between breaths, apparently unable to form much of a complete thought.
"Hey, it's okay... you'd do the same for us," Hermione whispered back, not knowing what else to say.
They separated, Harry looking so lost and sad it made her heart ache again. "Just promise me you won't try something like that ever again. If I lost you..." he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence, though they both know what he meant.
"You know I can't promise that," she said, giving him a gentle smile and taking his hand, squeezing slightly.
"Please," Harry pleaded, his voice breaking, "promise me."
Hermione gave him a look of complete resolution, shaking her head ever so slightly. Nothing he could say would ever change her mind, and they both knew it. Harry was unable to look at her as he helped her to her feet. He simply turned around and walked to the house, saying nothing.
Hermione watched him sadly before turning back to Ron. There was a blank look on his face, his mouth set in a thin line as he simply stared at her, speechless.
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The horcrux lead turned out to be nothing, so the three of them walked back to their tent in the woods in despairing silence. They apparated to another location much farther away, knowing that their previous hideaway was no longer safe. Hermione was not surprised that it was once again another forest. They set up camp without speaking, falling into a routine that was gaining in familiarity. Harry left them afterwards; he liked to take walks when he wanted to be alone, though he never went too far.
Hermione could not quite recall everything that was said in the fight soon after, though she knew the basics. At first, Ron had been terrified she had been killed, and relieved to see she was fine. Later on, when he was able to take it all in, the fact that wands had been pointed at both boys and she had jumped for Harry had been brought up. After all, Ron could have just as easily been killed. Hermione didn't know quite what to say, she really didn't think it was something to fight over. There was no time to think, just to react, and she saw Harry first and instinctively jumped for him. It was nothing, really, but Ron did not think so.
He said it was always about Harry, it always had been him first. Even now they were together, she still thought of Harry before him, and it hurt. She got angry; weren't they supposed to look out for each other, love each other, after all? He was being a selfish prat, of course she loved him.
Though Ron was having trouble seeing it her way. He was closer to her, curses were shot at both the boys, and her instinct told her to save the other one. He saw the terror on Harry's face as he held her, grasping her as if he would never let her go. He had seen her almost give up her life for him, then heard her tell him he couldn't stop her from doing it again. He saw the look on his face as he walked away, looking as he might simply break into pieces. It was then, Ron said, he knew she was no longer his. Never had been. She loved both her boys more than words could express, but she could never be his the way he had wanted. It simply would never work, and he was beginning to see that. He was tired of all the fighting, the lies, the pretending, and he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand one more fight, he was so sick of it all and so was she.
Hermione protested, they had been through the "it's not working" argument before. There was a sense of sadness in his voice, though, such a tone of finality that she had never heard until now, and it scared her. He wasn't angry at her, he was coming to terms with the inevitable, as painful as it was.
She heard Ron zip the tent behind her, collapsing and letting out barely stifled sob. Hermione hardly ever heard Ron cry, and it terrified her. It was then she knew it was over, truly over.
She felt like she should cry... scream.... do something .... but all she felt was numb.
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It was night, and very dark, since the cover of trees hid most of the bright stars. Hermione was sitting on the edge of a large stream, listening to the comforting sounds of the water and an owl hooting nearby. She knew she had been gone a while, and she should go back to the camp, but she couldn't bring herself to. Going back meant facing Ron, and it was something she was not ready to do just yet.
Her mind had been working on overdrive, buzzing with thoughts that seemed to drift all over the place. She thought of the next horcrux, and where it might be, why it wasn't where it should have been, and how the death eaters knew. There seemed to be so many of them lately, and she wondered if all of this really was useless, this attempt to fight when they seemed so doomed to fail.
She thought of Ron, and their earlier days. She thought of the fights, big and small. She remembered sitting in Ginny's room, crying and telling her what a big prat Ron was. He didn't understand, he never did, but why were they always fighting? Ginny would only say that opposites attract, Ron could be immature sometimes, he would come to his senses, it would work out, wait and see.
She remembered Ginny telling her that Harry broke it off, and how she didn't understand. She knew he was noble and wanted to save her suffering, but she wanted him. She knew they came from very different places, and had very different experiences, but they were perfect together, after all. They made each other so happy, why couldn't he see that? Her mother was gushing over Hermione and Ron, and if only Harry would come back to her they could be a wonderful, big, happy Weasley family like they were destined to be. She knew the war was at hand, but she refused to see it and instead thought of the big happy family with lots of red-headed children and a dog and a house on the hill. Why wouldn't he come back to her, when it was so simple?
Hermione recalled leaving the Burrow on the first night of the horcrux hunt, and coming back weeks later to Grimmauld Place to face the people they left without telling. She remembered the piercing stares, the looks, the disappointment. She could see Ginny's face so clearly in her mind, giving her a pained and despising look that spoke volumes in itself.
He said he wanted to protect me, didn't want anyone getting hurt, that's why he had to go alone. It was why I let him go. But why did he bring you two? Why wasn't I good enough? I can fight! I'm an equal! It's always been about you, you know. I just don't get it. Why you, and not me?
Ginny never really understood, either.
It never could be sunshine and daisies while the world was falling apart around them. Maybe it was better, then, to end it now. Maybe Ron would come back to her after this was all over and they could focus on their future instead of just surviving.
That was what Hermione wanted to believe, but she could still hear Ron's voice in her mind so clearly, his voice so final and full of heartbreak. This wasn't just a postponement, it was the end.
For the first time that day, she let the moisture build in her eyes without hastily wiping them. She placed her head in her hands and simply let the tears fall. What would she say, anyway, to herself? There was nothing to make her feel better now, her rational mind knew that. She loved Ron, she tried to make it work, she leaned on him for support in this living hell and now he was leaving her. It was true he would still be there, and care for her, but it wasn't the same anymore, and she knew they couldn't simply go back to the way things were before and pretend like it all never happened.
The crunching of leaves alerted her to another presence nearby, and Hermione instinctively grabbed her wand and pointed in the direction of the noise, her mind automatically switching into battle-mode. In the darkness she made out Harry's form, raising his hands in the air in a gesture of peace.
"Hermione," he said, voice breaking the silence of the night, "it's me."
Sighing, she dropped her wand and turned back to the river, hastily trying to wipe away her tears. She didn't need him asking questions that she wasn't ready to answer. She needed more time to think it all through.
She heard him walk closer and sit down next to her. She could feel his gaze, but she couldn't look at him. Not yet.
"It's late. What are you doing out here?"
She shook her head slightly and bit her lip, holding back more tears. She did not trust her voice enough to answer him, and kept her gaze intensely focused on the stream.
She heard him sigh and he looked away from her, hoping it would convince her to talk. "Ron didn't want to talk
to me either, just kept himself shut up in the tent. Did you fight again?" He asked, but he had a feeling it was
much more than that this time, and he could tell she had been crying.
"Something like that," she spat bitterly, aware she definitely wasn't ready to talk about this. The pain was still too fresh and her emotional side was running out of control... she hadn't had time to reason with it all yet.
Harry was silent for a moment, gazing at the stream. He then whispered so quietly she almost didn't hear him, "It's over, isn't it? You broke up."
He knew them too well, really. Did she honestly think she could keep it from him? "Yes," she whispered back, voice breaking. What was it about all this that reduced her to a weeping teenager? Why did she have to come off as so weak and helpless?
"Oh. I, uh, I'm really sorry," he stated simply. He knew he sounded stupid, but he didn't know what else to say. That had been happening to him a lot lately, he realized.
Hermione didn't say anything, she just simply kept looking off in the distance. She bit her lip like she was deep in thought and let her hands fall from her knees to the ground, holding herself up. Without thinking, Harry placed his hand on hers, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"Do you feel like talking about it?" Harry offered, and was relieved to see the beginnings of a smile on her face.
"Are you sure? Because if I remember right, the last time a girl tried to talk to you about emotions and relationships, it didn't turn out so well."
Harry chuckled. "Well, you're different than Cho. She cried all the time, and... you, uh, don't," he paused, wondering what he was doing.
"Astute observation, Harry. Please continue."
"What I'm saying is...something is wrong here. I think you should talk about it, you know. Get it all out of your system so I don't have to worry about you murdering Ron in his sleep. We can't afford to hate each other right now."
"I know," Hermione said irritatedly, "I know it's an awful time for all this, but I don't hate him. Honestly."
"But you're still upset," he stated, meeting her gaze as she shot him an annoyed look.
"Of course I'm upset, why wouldn't I be?" she snapped. "Once again, he's mad at me for something stupid. Something I barely had any control over. I didn't think, I just reacted, and he hated my choice."
"But... there's more to it, isn't there?"
Of course Harry knew better. He had been with both of them long enough to know that as small as Ron's emotional range could be sometimes, he would not break up with her just because of that. He also knew she would have hexed his balls off if that was the case.
"Well, that's how the argument started out. He said we couldn't ever truly be together in the way he wanted, and how he was sick of all the fighting and everything, he couldn't take it anymore."
"Oh," was all Harry could say. He heard her sniffle and saw her wipe her eyes again. They sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the night. Harry noticed it was growing cold, and he could see his breath in the air. "Hermione.... are you cold?"
"No," came the immediate reply, though he knew she was lying. He squeezed her hand and noticed it was indeed very cold.
"You're freezing and you know it," he said back, moving closer to her. "Come here," he motioned with his arms, asking her to sit with him. She scooted toward him and sighed gently, letting him wrap his arms around her as she rested her head on his chest. He had been smart enough to dress properly for the weather, unlike her, and Hermione was drawn to the warmth of his body. He moved his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm her up before resting them around her again.
"Better?" He asked.
"Mmm," came her muffled reply, and Harry smiled a little, surprised at himself. They hardly ever laughed or smiled anymore.
They let silence overtake them again, content to listen to the owls hooting in the distance and enjoying the warmth and comfort of each other. Harry began to feel drowsy, and he wondered if Hermione had fallen asleep herself until she spoke again.
"Harry?" came her small voice, drawing his attention.
"Yeah?" he replied sleepily, holding back a yawn.
"Why did you break it off with Ginny?"
The question took him by surprise. Both her and Ron had been careful not to mention Ginny's name in case it would upset him, and he felt they didn't need to know his feelings on the matter. "You know why. She would have been in danger here. I don't want her to get hurt because of me."
"But you took us," Hermione replied exasperatedly, as if explaining something from Hogwarts, a History for the hundredth time. "So that excuse doesn't work. There were plenty of times when you could have run off by yourself, and you didn't." She paused, looking deep in thought. "You can tell me the real reason, you know. I won't judge you," she said, her tone gentler.
Harry rested his chin on the top of her head, frowning. Of course he knew she wouldn't judge him. The problem was, he wasn't entirely sure of the real reason himself. At the time, the decision just seemed... right. "I told you, I didn't want her hurt," he lied.
"If you're going to stick with that logic, it means you don't care if Ron and I get hurt, since you let us come so easily."
"That's not true," Harry replied quickly. He knew, deep down, that he should have left them behind. He had never wanted them to become so involved in all of this. He had come to terms with the fact that he would likely die in this long ago, it was something he had known for a long time. What he couldn't deal with, however, was the thought of either of them badly hurt or dying.
Why did he let them come, then?
It was something he had thought of but did not want to admit to himself, because it felt like a betrayal to Ginny. He liked her, and she did make him happy for that short time they were together, but the truth remained, however hurtful it was to her.
He didn't need her like he needed them. He enjoyed being with Ginny, but he needed Hermione and Ron. Thoughts of being without her didn't strike him as painful, and he knew this quest would be very, very hard without Ron and Hermione to keep him sane. They knew more than Ginny did what he had been through and the immensity of what he was now facing. They both had helped him out more than he could have ever asked for. Ginny, however, would likely just want to snog and gossip and talk about futures he was afraid they wouldn't even have, pretending like they weren't facing the end of the world.
She never really understood him, really. He wasn't sure if she ever could, even when it was all over.
"Then what's the real reason? She wasn't cheating on you, was she?" Hermione asked anxiously. If she had, Hermione would hex her into next week. She had been learning some rather nasty ones lately.
"No," Harry stated. "She just... she wouldn't know what to do on this whole thing. I like her company, I just..."
"Don't need her," Hermione interrupted, finishing the thought for him. Harry was taken aback by how perceptive she was. "You like her, but knew she would never be happy doing this, that she's meant for other things. You don't need her the way you do Ron and I, and she doesn't really need you."
"Oh. Uh... right," Harry stammered.
"When this is all over, are you going back to her?"
He paused before answering, taking a deep breath of chilly air. "I don't know, honestly. She... I already feel like I'm a changed person, you know? I know it sounds stupid, but after some of the stuff we've done... I'm not the same. Even when we were at Hogwarts, whenever I tried to talk about something serious... she'd always change the subject, like she didn't want to talk about it. All she wanted to talk about was us, or snogging or gossip or something else."
"She didn't understand you," Hermione stated matter-of-factly, but Harry wasn't taken aback this time.
"Yeah," he grinned, "that's pretty much it." He could feel Hermione shiver and snuggle closer into his body, and he knew they should be leaving soon because it was growing colder and he didn't want her getting sick. "We should go back to camp now," he said, waiting for her response and getting none. Frowning, he brushed some of her bushy hair away from her face and saw that her eyes were watering again. "Hermione... are you okay?"
She wiped at her eyes. "It hurts," she whispered, and he knew she was thinking of the breakup again. He began to rub comforting circles on her back with one hand, hoping it would help. "It hurts more than I thought it would. I should have seen it coming, I... oh, I'm sorry Harry, I'm being silly. Honestly, what's wrong with me, I..."
"There is nothing wrong with you," Harry interrupted her. "I know it hurts. But... I think, in time, the pain will go away," he added, running a hand through her tangled hair. "It will be okay someday."
"But what if it's not okay?" she whispered again, almost afraid to speak it. "What if we're not going to be okay? Not just with this relationship thing, but... with all this. Saving the world and everything. Sometimes it just seems so hopeless... and I get scared. Scared that something will happen to one of you, or both, and that we won't have a someday to look forward to."
Harry held her tighter, suddenly overcome with an urge to protect her. He didn't want to think of losing her at all. "I can't promise that we'll all make it, or that you won't get hurt, as much as I want to be able to. I can promise, though, that I'll try everything in my power to make sure that tomorrow comes for us. I promise I'll try and give you a future, where you can be whatever you want and be with whomever in peace. I owe you that much, anyway, after all you've done for me," he said, a nearly overpowering sensation of genuine love for the girl he held growing within him.
He kissed the top of her head gently and stroked her hair, enjoying the sensation of having her in his arms. "I just need you to promise me... that you won't try something like today again. I don't want you to die for me, I couldn't take it," he said quietly, dreading the answer he knew would come.
Hermione sighed and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly back. "You know I can't promise you that. I don't need you pulling any heroics either and dying for us. The world needs you," she paused, taking a deep breath, "and I need you."
Harry grinned slightly. "You know I can't promise you that. I need you too, you know. More than I think you know."
Hermione shifted beneath him so she could look at his face. He met her eyes, searching and questioning, his intense gaze never leaving her... it was then she knew.
Neither of them understood why they had been thrown into this mess. They didn't understand how one man could do so much harm. Neither of them comprehended why Voldemort and his supporters could do what they did, or how they would be able to fix it and make the world right again. The didn't know what fate had planned for them, or how they would be able to deal with it if one of them was lost.
There was one thing they both comprehended in that moment, however.
They understood each other, more completely than she had ever realized. She knew he couldn't promise her tomorrow would be sunshine and daises, but it didn't matter. They were together, and doing what they needed to do without question. The world was falling apart around them, and they couldn't pretend like they weren't terrified of losing each other, of losing everything. They had to keep fighting, to give the world a chance for a future despite the risks because it had to be done. To pretend otherwise was wrong, and they both knew this.
They understood each other, and they always had.
This thought gave Hermione a great deal of comfort as she snuggled back into Harry's arms, content for the moment to be safe in his comforting embrace.
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Well, I hope that wasn't too mushy or angsty, I haven't written anything in a while so I can't honestly tell anymore. If you made it this far into it, you deserve a cookie. This didn't have a beta either, so the likely numerous mistakes are my own.
Thanks for reading, and I hope y'all enjoyed it! I'm intending for this to be a one-shot for now. I'd like to continue it, but I'm really bad at committing to anything. Ugh. So if I don't write anything else before book 7 comes out- HHR 4EVA, keep the faith no matter how craptastic the last book is, more inspirational junk that we don't need cause our ship is awesome without canon anyway, blah blah blah. Yay! **tosses cookies**
Oh, and sorry about all the big spaces between paragraphs. I'm not sure why they're there, or how to get rid of them. Curse my technical ignorance!