Hermione had always felt that she was reasonably good with understanding emotions. She was the one to explain Cho's mysterious behavior in fifth year. She was able to console Ginny through her numerous failed relationships, and she was the one able to get Harry to finally notice her, even though that didn't turn out so well. She thought she was perceptive of the emotions of other people, and in turn she could work through and understand her own.
Oh, how wrong she was.
Despite her innate ability to decipher what those around her were feeling, she was sometimes at a loss as to why. Reason and logic were her foundation. Knowledge, the gift that she treasured so dearly, did not come from things like divination or feelings. Wisdom, perhaps, but she had not lived long enough to build a solid foundation from that. Reason could tell her the how and when and where, but not always why. Why people do certain things you can only discover within other people, not in books, and human relations were something Hermione had struggled with as long as she could remember. Perhaps it was why she had so few friends over her lifetime; she just didn't understand people, and they didn't understand her.
She realized the fact that she was now on the floor, her mind reeling with so many thoughts she felt dizzy. She barely felt Ron's hand in her own, or Harry's arms wrapped around her while he whispered her name over and over. She felt like she should say something to let him know she was still there, but she didn't feel like she was. Maybe she should cry, or scream, do something.
One of her greatest fears had been realized, and all she could do was sit there, eyes glued to the floor. Her parents were dead. Gone. Two people she loved so dearly, and they loved her more than life itself, and she was never, ever going to see them again.
So why couldn't she look up from the floor? Why couldn't she say something, anything?
She closed her eyes, willing it all to go away.
It's a nightmare. I'm fine, mum and dad are fine, I'll go see them as soon as I wake up. I'll say I'm sorry for fighting, I'm sorry for not seeing you, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I was brought into this world and had to drag you down with me, but I'll make it fine again, I promise.
She opened her eyes slowly, hoping to find herself in her bed… but now she found both boys holding her, begging her to say something, do something. Are you there?
It was then she realized things weren't going to be fine again, and a pain wrenched at her heart so intensely she thought it might rip into pieces. She clutched at her chest and gasped, before closing her eyes again and falling back into Harry's embrace, waiting for the tears she thought should come, but didn't, and she couldn't understand why.
Why had it come to this?
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How long it was she sat on the floor with the boys, she couldn't tell. Minutes, maybe, but it felt like hours. Her mind replayed the last conversation she had with her parents over and over again, her voice and theirs ringing clear in her mind as though months had not passed.
They had argued, and she had not apologized. Security reasons, the people in the Order had said. She couldn't talk to them, she had to make it look like she was disconnected from them, like she didn't care.
Oh, but did she care. She cared so much it was ripping her apart inside, and nothing Harry or Ron could do would make it better.
I'm sorry, oh god, I'm so sorry! Forgive me….
"Hermione?" A tentative voice finally broke her from her reverie. "Are you okay?"
She wanted to laugh at the question. Of course she wasn't fucking okay, what was he thinking? She was going bloody insane. But the rational part of her mind told her that he was just trying to look out for her, trying to comfort her even if it was only by his presence.
"Hermione?" Ron asked gently, afraid of startling her. Her poor boys didn't know what to do... but for once, neither did she.
"Oh God," she choked out finally, before covering her face with her hands again, and she felt Harry clutch her tighter and rest his head on her shoulder, rocking her back and forth in an effort to comfort her. She felt far away, but she could swear she felt a few tears drop on her shirt, and now she knew that Harry was feeling guilty again, but she couldn't bring herself to reassure him in any way.
She didn't know why, but she was overcome with a sudden urge to go back home. Even though she knew it would likely make her feel worse to see it all for herself, she needed to go. She never got a chance to say goodbye last time, and if their presences still lingered in her home, she needed them to know. The rational side of her mind told her that it was silly to think the spirits of her parents might still be there, or that there was even a life after death, but this was something she had to do.
Without saying a word, Hermione slowly untangled herself from the Harry's arms before standing up. She could hear Harry immediately stand up behind her, as if afraid to leave her alone. At the moment, she didn't care much if they came with her or not.
She started walking toward the hallway, feeling very separate from her body and almost dead herself from the surrealism of it all.
Harry's voice, however, rang clearly through her hazy thoughts. "Where are you going?"
She stopped for a moment, not bothering to turn around. "Home," she answered.
Harry sighed. "Don't do this, Hermione. Please don't."
"I need to go," she stated simply, as if it were nothing more than an ordinary errand she had to take care of, to get done and over with.
"I know, I just… don't think you should. It's not going to be easy to be there, and…"
"I know it's not going to be easy, Harry. Nothing is anymore. I have to go," she argued, trying to get him to see. You can't always protect me, you know.
"What's goin' on?" Ginny emerged from her room, looking wide awake and interested as she took in the distressed looks of the trio. "Oh… is it true then? I heard mum saying…"
"It's none of your business, Ginny," Ron snapped, knowing her habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time. He didn't want her upsetting Hermione more than she already was, and Hermione was glad she was spared from telling her off herself, since she was not in the mood to do anything nicely.
"You two can come with me if you want, but I'll understand if you don't want to. I just have to see them," she argued again, trying to hold back tears once more.
"Hermione, please," Harry pleaded, holding his arms out to her. Stay with me. She gratefully accepted his embrace, while Ron joined in and held her too. Her boys.
Ginny frowned at the doorway, obviously a little upset at being left out once again while having to watch her boyfriend hold another girl. He's never held me like that.
"I think you should do what Harry says, and stay here. You're just going to hurt yourself more, and I doubt there will be much of your parents left to see anyway," Ginny piped in.
"Fuck, Ginny! What the bloody hell is wrong with you, saying something like that?" Ron had turned around, his face growing red in anger.
"It's okay, Ron," Hermione said quietly, holding onto his arm. "Just let it go. She's probably right anyway, but I'm still going."
Harry tightened his arms around her and buried his face into her neck. He knew more than anyone that going back would be very emotional and difficult, but he also understood there was no stopping Hermione if she was determined to go. "Fine. But I'm going with you," he lifted his head up to look at her, and he swore he saw the hint of the tiniest of smiles on her face. She didn't want to have to take this difficult journey alone.
"I'm going too," Ron said, and took Hermione's hand. "We're can't just let you go off by yourself now, can we?"
Hermione squeezed his hand back in appreciation, before looking back to Harry. "Let's go, then."
"And don't you run off and tell mum where we went, she'll just worry herself sick," Ron commanded Ginny, who was planning to do just that.
Ginny watched her brother turn around and follow his two best friends down the stairs, and into the kitchen. She heard the door shut quietly, and she saw them out the window where Hermione took both boys' arms in hers for side-along apparition, since they had never been to her home and could not see the destination in their minds. The way Hermione imagined her home, however, was likely very different now from what it used to be. Ginny just hoped that the boys wouldn't hurt themselves for Hermione's sake. They'd do anything for her, after all, though she didn't see why they would.
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The pop of apparition entered the quiet country atmosphere, and the first sensation Hermione felt after coming home was darkness and rain. The sky was covered in clouds and rain poured down mercilessly.
She had apparated a ways from her home, as not to alarm any ministry people that may still be there, though they couldn't afford to stay long nowadays. Though several hills separated her from her childhood dwelling, the bright glow of the dark mark could be seen clearly in the distance, since it had not yet faded. The sight sent chills through her body that had nothing to do with the chilling rain. It was a picture that was vivid in her worst nightmares, and now here she was, wide awake.
Summoning her reserves of Gryffindor courage, Hermione gripped the boys' hands and led them forward.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Harry asked, his gaze never leaving the mark in the sky though rain and fog clouded his glasses and vision.
She sighed and closed her eyes, willing it to go away but knowing it never would. What she was about to do would stay with her the rest of her life, she knew. "I'll never be ready. But I have you two here with me, so… I can do this," she stated, feeling determination begin to overcome her fear.
Harry squeezed her hand back in affirmation, and they continued on toward the little country house. As they grew closer more details came into view. It was a small white home along a dirt road, with remnants of flowers and plants scattered in the yard. The door was busted off, and the glass seemed to be blown off from all the windows.
Tonks was standing on the porch, talking quietly to another auror. The sound of their footsteps on the muddy road alerted her, and she spun around, her face betraying her surprise as recognition dawned on her.
"What are you three doing? You shouldn't be here," she said as they crossed over to her. "Especially you, Hermione. You don't want to see this, go back home."
"This is my home, and I have every right to be here," Hermione glared at her. "You've secured the area, right? I need to see them."
Tonks sighed and rubbed her weary eyes. "Honey… there's nothing left. Those goddamn people, they just blast them all to pieces, they don't care about…"
"I know. Like Lupin," Hermione said, and Tonks gasped. Hermione let go of the boys and walked over to Tonks, holding her as she held a sob. "I'm so sorry, I know how much he meant to you. To all of us."
Tonks had her eyes tightly shut, but Harry noticed tears escaping anyway. "I'm sorry about your parents. They never should have been brought into this."
The two women understood each other more completely in that moment than they ever had before. They both knew pain, true pain, and were living it every day. Tonks let go of Hermoine but gave her a small smile, communicating without words. Thank you.
Hermione gave her the tiniest of reassuring grins back. It's okay. It'll all be okay, in the end. The pain never goes away, but we'll make things better, for us, for everyone.
Tonks moved out of the doorway, clearing the way for Hermione, Ron and Harry to enter. While this was entirely against Auror protocol… well, she never was one for rules, and the ministry was going all to hell anyway, they had bigger things to worry about. She knew it would be devastating for them to see all this, but she also knew that if she had known exactly where Remus had been taken from her, she'd visit it too. Sometimes it's more painful not knowing.
Hermione glanced once more at Tonks, then took a deep breath and entered the doorway into her living room.
At least, what was once her living room. She gasped and brought her hand to her chest as she took everything in, though it was causing her real and physical pain to do so. She heard Harry pause behind her and Ron cough in an attempt to hide his own discomfort.
The furniture seemed to have been blown out of the way, likely in an attempt to chase one or both her parents. Broken picture frames and tattered books littered the room, and a large hole with cracks emanating from all sides appeared next to the stairway, a poorly-aimed reducto curse.
Hermione picked up one of the pictures on the floor and she could feel Harry look over her shoulder to glance at it. It was one of her favorites, taken a year before she started at Hogwarts. She had always endured teasing and bullying at school, but that year had been particularly rough. Her parents took off two whole weeks from their dentistry practice just to take her on an impromptu vacation. They had a little cabin by a lake in France, and it was gorgeous; Hermione could still vividly see her parents smiling at her from the beach while she frolicked around in the lake for hours until the sun would set behind her. This picture was taken at sunset; all three of them standing in front of the colorful lake and sky, smiling brightly, and Hermione covered in sand.
They had always wanted other children, Hermione knew, but somewhere along the way she found that her mother was unable to have more, and later still Hermione would find that it was her fault, the result of a particularly difficult birth.
They had always done so much to make their only girl happy and loved, and Hermione had done nothing but hurt them. And now, however indirectly, she was at least partially responsible for their deaths…
I will not cry, she willed herself. Not now.
Taking a deep breath, she placed the broken picture on the one small table that was still standing. She walked toward the stairs, but she found herself stopping at the first step, unable to move.
"Hermione?" Ron asked tentatively.
"I can do this," she said, more for her own encouragement than theirs. "I'm ready."
"Are you sure? It's okay if you want to leave, I know this is a lot to deal with, if it's too much…" Harry trailed off, unsure of how to finish.
"I'm fine," she stated, though she knew the boys would never believe her. She was a horrible liar and they could always see right through her… especially Harry.
Steeling herself, she made the trip up the debris strewn stairs, carefully avoiding the large chunks of wall that had fallen there. When she reached the top, she noticed another crater in the wall at the end of the hallway, another missed reducto curse.
They just blast them all to pieces, and…
Hermione screwed her eyes shut, taking another deep breath before she moved on.
The first room she came across was her own. Peering inside, it looked almost exactly how she'd left it, minus the papers scattered on the floor and the bits of plaster dust that alluded to what had passed just outside the doorway. Underneath all that, she could tell her mother kept it neat for when she could finally come home, even though she warned them it could take years. Mum, I'm so sorry… I never wanted this…
Continuing on, she made her way to the site of her parents' bedroom. Before she even reached it, she knew this was where it happened.
Harry had caught up to her and placed his hand in hers, trying to offer comfort the best he knew how.
As much as she had tried to prepare herself for what she might see, she was completely unprepared for what had actually befallen.
The room was a wreck; their bed and most of the furniture had been blown to dust, and the wall was covered in holes in craters, showing that they at least put up a fight. The floor and the back wall next to the window was covered in red streaks… blood… and underneath the window was the tiniest pile of ashes. It was open, they had likely attempted to escape, but had not made it. You could see and hear the rain outside, and they watched as the rest of the ashes got swept up in a gust of wind and flew outside and away into the sky.
Turned into ashes. Oh my god. Oh…
Clutching her chest, Hermione glanced at the opposite wall, where there was a hastily written message written in blood. The blood of her parents, oh god, she was going to be sick….
The writing was sloppy, but the message was decipherable and very clear.
Mudblood.
Hermione's hand flew to her mouth, it was just too much, she was going to retch. Without a second glance at Harry and Ron, she turned and ran from the room, as fast as she could, down the stairs, three at a time, oh god she wasn't going to make it…
She managed to fly across the porch and down to the muddy lawn where she fell to her knees, heaving. Harry and Ron came soon afterwards, and she felt Harry's hand rubbing circles on her back and heard Ron starting to be sick himself.
Tonks had decided they needed to be alone, so she made her way to the backyard, the rain hiding the tears streaming down her own cheeks.
Hermione didn't know how long she stood there in the mud, where the heaving turned to sobbing and when she couldn't cry anymore she let out a scream that echoed through the sound of rain. Neither of them had thought to do a charm to repel the rain, and as a result they were all thoroughly drenched and cold. Hermione clutched Harry tighter for warmth and he squeezed her back, burying his face in her wet and tangled mass of hair.
"I killed them," she whispered, almost inaudibly. "Oh god, I killed my parents, I…"
"No," Harry stopped her, his voice stern yet shaky. "You didn't do this. You're not responsible, that's just what they want you to believe." I'm responsible. They're dead because you're my friend.
"It's true, Harry, I killed them. They gave me everything and I did nothing but hurt them," she then laughed bitterly, and it unsettled Harry. "You know, when I got my Hogwarts letter they were skeptical about it. They didn't want me to go, but I argued with them. I wanted to go, and they let me because it would make me happy," Hermione sighed. "I should have listened, I should have never gone…"
"Don't say that," Ron interrupted. "Then we would have never met you."
"Well, I think you'd both be better off without me anyway, I'm an annoying little know-it-all that does nothing but hurt everyone."
"You know that's not true," Harry said. "You've saved us more times than I can count, neither of us would be here without you. We need you. I need you," he paused, taking a deep breath and lifting her head up so she could look into his eyes. "I love you, Hermione, so much it hurts. I might not be able to change the past, but I will do everything I can to help make the pain go away. To make things right again," he said, holding her face gently in his hands.
She closed her eyes, holding back a sob, as Harry closed the space between them. She felt his lips on hers, and she froze for a moment before gently kissing back. It wasn't a deep kiss, nor a long and passionate one, but still full of all the love and gentleness Harry felt for her, and it was enough.
When she opened her eyes again, she saw that Harry looking down at her, with so much love in his eyes that she felt her heart might shatter for the hundredth time that night. They were no longer basked in the green glow of the Dark Mark as it finally faded away into nothingness, and for that Hermione was grateful. She glanced over at Ron, who looked a little uncomfortable, but when he reached over and held her hand, forcing a small smile, she knew things would be okay between them.
The rain began to subside slowly, but Hermione still held onto Harry, though the chill that pervaded her body was lessening.
She didn't want to admit it to them, but she was more scared than ever now. If they could track down her parents so easily, who's to say they couldn't find them? That they wouldn't come back to her home, searching for her?
"I appreciate everything you two have done for me, but… I don't know if it's safe to be with me anymore. I mean, they might be coming for me now, and I don't want you to get hurt."
"When has it ever been safe for all of us, in this world? We're not leaving you," Ron said.
"Yeah. We've had time to turn back now, haven't we?" Harry smiled slightly, quoting Hermione's words that seemed so long ago.
"Whatever happens, remember that? We stay together whatever happens," Ron repeated his own words. "We're not breaking that now, you know."
Hermione grinned slightly through her mask of pain, knowing that they were right. They weren't about to leave her now, or ever. They needed each other too much.
She knew that the future looked bleak, and that it was very possible that they would fail this quest before them. It hurt, but she knew the truth. As much as they wanted to be optimistic, there was no telling what tomorrow would bring.
Despite their outlook, and despite the ever-growing evil force that was closing in on them more every day, Hermione couldn't help but feel a sense of optimism in that moment. Her parents were dead, and she knew the pain from that would never fully heal. It would get better with time, however, and Ron and Harry would be there for her.
She closed her eyes again and let herself sink into the comfort of Harry's arms once again. Through the smell of mud and sweat and a faint hint of blood and death, she could smell him, and it brought her comfort knowing that someday in the future, she could fall asleep in these arms every night.
As long as she had her boys, and Harry's love, she was ready for whatever the future had in store for her. It might not be sunshine and flowers and a big happy family, but as long as she had Harry and Ron, Hermione knew she would be okay in the end.
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AAAHH I'm so sorry it took forever to update! My computer fried, and I just recently regained access to the internet. I also had this chapter almost done, but it got lost in when my machine decided to implode and die, and I'm not smart enough to back-up my stuff. THX, technology.
I'm a little disappointed with this second version of the chapter, I thought my first was better but, eh, it's not like I can do anything about it, though I think I rushed through it a bit just so I could have time to finish it before DH. I apologize if it's too sappy or a piece of junk, and feel free to tell me if it is. Dust in the Wind came on my iPod toward the end of this, which resulted in the corny ashes being carried off in the wind thing. All we are is dust in the wiiiiiind… *cries*
Well, I hope everybody has an awesome time Friday and Saturday, whether you'll be going to a party or not. I'll be seeing OotP earlier in the day, then going to a midnight party at B & N and dragging several friends, yeay!!! Whether you're spoiler-free or have read every spoiler out there, I hope DH doesn't disappoint you too much… and if it does, we can just laugh at it and make more fanfiction, because we have the power to create the ending for ourselves, the way it should be.
I might add more to this, depending on how inspired (or not) I feel after DH. Who knows… but even if I don't write more on this, I won't stop writing more H/HR. Even if DH is an OBHWF-fest, people always have hot affairs *waggles eyebrows suggestively*, or we can just ignore the book altogether. And yes, I know I'm so optimistic XD
Okay, I'll stop rambling. Thanks to anybody who actually reads all the way through this crap, and I hope you all enjoy this wonderful Harry Potter filled week!!!