Author's Note
This is for Cindy, for reasons I've explained to her.
And I just have to say hello to some very special people - Kirsti, Tim and Holly. Hugs to you all.
RUNNING SCARED
By JanieB
It's been just over a year since you left him.
It's been almost a year to the day since you became mine.
Of course, I've been yours since the day we met, although I didn't know it for a long time; I simply took your presence in my life for granted. But no longer - and this last year has been the best year of my life. And yet, sometimes, I can't help but wonder…
Just running scared
We haven't seen him since that day you told him it was over. I was there to hold you and comfort you and see you through the pain. It gave me the greatest joy I've known to be so important to you, for you to need me so much…
Each place we go
I know your heart aches. I know that when you left him, you lost his family that had become yours, as they had mine. But I lost them too, because I was on your side. And now I'm by your side. And I doubt they'll ever speak to either of us ever again. Neither of us speaks of it, but sometimes we look at each other and we share the unspoken pain of that loss…
So afraid, that he might show
I wonder what would happen if we ever ran into him, somewhere, sometime, unexpectedly. You loved him so much, for so long, I can't help but wonder… is there still an echo of that love in your heart? Do I imagine those shadows I see in your eyes sometimes? Are they put there by thoughts of him?
Yeah, running scared
You tell me no, that you love only me now - that he's gone from every corner of your heart and mind. But when you've loved someone like that… Well, I can only think of how much I love you - and for how long I've loved you - and that I can't imagine not loving you…you'd never leave my heart, even if your body was gone, my love for you would be with me till I died…
What would I do?
Can you truly have put him completely out of your heart and your mind? You tell me so, every time I ask. And I ask you almost every day. And every time I ask, you answer so patiently and so lovingly, I feel guilty for ever doubting you…and yet...
If he came back
You left him - he didn't leave you. He must still love you. How could he not love you? How could any man know you and not love you? And so if he's never stopped loving you… dear Merlin, my nightmares are filled with thoughts of what would happen if he still loved you -
And wanted you
- and you found that deep down inside, somewhere, there is a part of you that still loves and wants him…
Just running scared
It is a fear I live with every day. A fear I force myself to put aside every day. When we are together and you hold me and you kiss me and you love me…the fear subsides, smothered by my love for you… But when we are apart, that's when the doubts uncoil and curl within…the way steam curls slowly into every corner of the bathroom when you're in the shower... Do you know how I rejoice in the thought of you in the shower - my shower - our shower - how I rejoice in knowing that I can walk in while you're there, in the shower, and brush my teeth, or talk to you, asking you some mundane question just because I can? And all the while I'm savouring every second, knowing it's my right, my privilege…as it was once his…
Feeling low
And then I wake up, and you're gone. And before I remember that you had to start work early, I suffer a moment of dreadful pain because I think that you have left me, that your love for him has claimed you once more…
Running scared
But as I drag myself to the shower - our shower - I tell myself over and over that it's me you love - that it's me you choose to be with. But my heart can't help but remember that…
You loved him so
You ask me what it is you need to do to prove to me beyond any doubt that I am your choice - that you love only me. I have no answer. Because it is my doubt and I am the only one that is able to expel it. It is not your burden. Everything you do and everything you say proves over and over, every day, that it is me you love. My doubt is my burden. My doubt is my curse. My doubt is my poison…
Just running scared
I cannot imagine my life without you. Without you, I would have no life - no life that I would want to live. Without you, my life would hold no love, no laughter, no warm, brown eyes and happy laughter…no soft delicious kisses, no warm caresses or passionate loving, no gentle morning-after savouring of satisfied cravings and hunger…
Afraid to lose
If you left me, as you left him, what would I do? Even while I cannot bear to think about it, I cannot stop this thought from haunting me. Any more than I can bear to think about what you would feel, what you would do,
If he came back
What if he walked back into our lives - what if he told you he loved you more than life itself? That he needed you more than the air he breathes? What if he said couldn't go on without you? What would you do?
Which one would you choose?
And then my nightmare became reality. We were out celebrating our first anniversary - a year since we'd been together. We were sitting at the bar having a pre-dinner drink. You looked more beautiful than I'd ever seen you look before. You were wearing a floaty sort of knee-length dress that occasionally sparkled in the candle light…it held warm, golden reflections, just like your eyes…it clung to you in all the right places…
Then all at once, he was standing there
Just as we'd drunk a toast to each other and decided we should make our way to our table, he appeared, at the top of the stairs…
So sure of himself, his head in the air
He looked so different to the old dorm mate I'd known with those awful dress robes, all those years ago. He was a successful wizard now and it showed; he was dressed in impeccably tailored robes and he was looking around as though searching for someone. I knew it couldn't be you - that he couldn't know we were there - and yet my heart began to race as my worst fear snaked horribly through me once more: the fear of losing you. I couldn't take my eyes from him as we stood up. You were saying something to me I didn't catch - I couldn't hear your voice over the pounding in my ears.
The second he saw you I knew. I hadn't taken my eyes off him and I saw his expression as his gaze came to rest on you. I think my heart stopped and the silence was deafening. Then I knew that you had seen him. You broke the awful silence I was drowning in with your gasp - and I could tell you were stunned. I looked on as his eyes widened in surprise, as pleasure at the sight of you unmistakably filled them and then he smiled. It was a smile of pure joy and delight.
I didn't want to see what your response was, but it was as though I was no longer in control of myself…my head turned slowly to look down at you. Your eyes were shining. A tremulous smile curved your lovely mouth.
My heart was breaking
You took a deep breath. Then you looked up at me. I could see something slowly filling your eyes - some new knowledge.
Which one would it be?
What had you suddenly realised? I wished desperately I could read your mind. Then you smiled at me - a smile full of promise, a smile full of love...
You turned around…
You gave him a small wave. Then you slipped your arm through mine.
And walked away
- pulling me with you. I almost stumbled. You sounded excited and happy as you told me that at last you knew, that at last you were completely certain. I couldn't speak, but I knew my eyes asked for me: What did you know? What were you certain about? And when you told me it was all I could do not to pull you against me and kiss you right there in front of all those people.
You told me that you had always been scared of meeting him unexpectedly - that you hadn't been certain what you would feel. You knew that you loved me and yet… But now, now you knew. You'd seen him again, so unexpectedly, and you'd felt only the fleeting sadness that comes when you realise something has gone beyond your reach - gone forever - and you realise you don't care…
I felt as though I was floating, as though my heart would burst I was so happy. You laughed, and I joined you, feeling gloriously elated. That's when I saw his reflection in a mirrored wall ahead of us. I saw that his smile was gone, that he was watching us and I think I saw regret in his eyes as he watched you walk away…
With me…
Author's Note
The song is called Running Scared, sung by Roy Orbison. And now this is out of my head and "on paper" (so to speak) I can get back to my other story… Janie xoxo
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