Author's Note:
I haven't split up the story into chapters, so the layout is still a bit odd. The next chapter is when the fun begins. And a disclaimer: this chapter was mostly written in the hours past midnight, so I won't guarantee that it meets any decent standard. Hopefully it does. Next one will be higher quality.
A few warnings:
The novel begins with slight Harry/Ginny (very brief) and with Ron/Hermione (nothing serious). But it will end up with the standard pairings. Don't worry!
Must... sleep...
Thank for reading. Ideas are welcome!
Looking Back
Chapter 1
"I don't believe it," said Ginny, folder her arms and shaking her head. "I don't believe a word of it."
Harry looked up from his sitting position on the couch and watched Ginny pace back and forth in front of him. She was breathing heavily and her lips were pressed tightly together, as if she was holding back an outburst.
"You told me to wait and I waited. My present - you didn't have any reservations then. Why now? Why, when it's all over and we have nothing to hold us back, do you tell me this? You're not trying to protect me from stray Death Eaters, are you? Because if you are..."
"It's not that," Harry said quietly. "I'm just not ready, not this soon."
Ginny spun around and dropped into the seat next to him, staring intently into his eyes. "Then do it for me. We'll work through this."
"Ginny..." Harry began. "It doesn't work that way."
Ginny bolted to her feet in frustration, then turned on Harry. "And why not?"
"I can't explain," said Harry. "I don't understand it."
This answer did not satisfy Ginny and she began pacing again. "Kiss me," she said finally, stopping in front of Harry, who turned his head cautiously upward.
It wasn't the prospect of kissing Ginny that gave him inhibitions - she was truly a beautiful girl. He just didn't want to lead her on, for her to read into it, to think that he would come around. But he had feelings for her, didn't he? Wasn't he just depressed and would come to his senses soon? There was a good chance, Harry reasoned.
"Just one, and you have to promise that you'll stop after," said Harry, standing slowly.
"I promise," said Ginny, grinning slyly.
Something felt wrong as Harry leaned forward - something felt terribly wrong. And as his lips met Ginny's, the feeling didn't go away. He didn't feel anything except emptiness - her attraction meant nothing. He was kissing her, but he wasn't. His mind seemed to be detached from his head and was watching from afar. It was neither pleasurable or disagreeable. It was nothing.
He pulled away.
"You'll come around," said Ginny confidently, a goofy smirk on her face. "I can tell."
I'm not so sure, thought Harry while the words "I hope so" came out of his mouth.
The creaking of the portrait hole indicated the entrance of Luna, Ron and Hermione. Ron was laughing loudly and Hermione was red in the face, smiling faintly. Luna looked pleasant and entirely detached from reality. It brought a smile to Harry's face.
"Hey Harry," said Ron brightly. "Some reporters want to see you. I told them to bugger off, but they followed me to the common room. You'd better stay in here where it's safe."
Safe. The word seemed to lift the spirits of everyone in the room. There was a great difference, Harry realized, between true safety and the safety he had felt at Bill and Fleur's house under the Fidelius Charm. Safety without freedom was only a facade. But true safety was real and permeated every thought, every emotion, every feeling. It was a pleasant change.
Ron crossed the room obliviously and collapsed onto a love seat, but Hermione stood just inside the entrance eyeing Harry and Ginny with curiosity. She smiled and looked at Harry, raising one eyebrow amusedly. Harry glared back.
"Now what?" asked Ron, looking around the room. "What are you all planning on doing now that it's all over?"
"It's not over yet, Ron," said Ginny, staring pointedly at Harry. "We still have to heal."
Hermione and Ron nodded in agreement. Harry stared at the floor.
After a long silence, Ron stood up and walked over to the couch. He sat down next to Harry and looked into the fire. "So what do all of you plan on doing?"
The wall was suddenly of great interest to Harry. He stared at it intently, ignoring Hermione's glare on the back of his neck.
"I might work at the Ministry," offered Hermione. "They'll need a lot of help rebuilding. Afterwards I might be a Healer."
"Way to be boring, Hermione," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to try out for the Cannons. Their Keeper's family got killed by some Death Eaters a couple weeks ago - they're having tryouts in a few days."
"Ron, that's great!" Hermione said encouragingly. "You'll be excellent - I know it."
The false tone in her voice sent shivers down Harry's back. He couldn't stand that she was trying to change herself for Ron, to say what he wanted to hear - as if he would stop seeing her if she wasn't a perfect girlfriend.
Ginny frowned. "I doubt mum will let me drop out of school."
"Neither will I," Harry and Ron said at once, both rounding on Ginny.
"You need to finish school," continued Harry. "If you don't then you've wasted six years."
"He's right, Ginny," confirmed Hermione. "Besides, what would you do if you dropped out?"
Ginny stared directly at Harry. "I don't know," she said slowly but firmly. "What will you do, Harry?"
Harry took a deep breath. "Probably get a flat and a job."
"What kind of job," probed Hermione stepping forward into Harry's sight.
Ron came to the rescue. "You don't need money, Harry. You can vacation for the rest of your life."
"Ron, why would he-" started Hermione.
"I never thought of that," said Harry suddenly, cutting her off. He smiled. "That's a good idea."
"No, it's a terrible idea," said Hermione, stepping forward so that she was directly in front of Harry. "You'll hate your life and you'll get depressed. And where are you going to get a flat?"
"Haven't thought about it," Harry said, turning away. "I'm going to get something to eat."
Ginny placed a hand on his arm. "Harry?"
"I'll be back in a minute," said Harry dismissively, pushing open the portrait.
Planning on a short walk, Harry did not expect to be pushed back into the wall by twenty flashes going off at once. He did not have the patience to deal with the media right now.
"Lay off," Harry growled, blinking hard to readjust his eyes. He pushed his way through the mob of reporters and took off down the hall at a quick jog, tossing his cloak on as he rounded the corner. When the chaos passed, he pulled it off and stowed it away in Hermione's magic bag. Finally, he thought exasperatedly. Some peace and quiet.
But even without people around, his head still swam with confusion, and he sat in the hallway praying that no one would find him and waiting for the day to be over.
Much of the next week, Harry found himself avoiding company and sitting in recluse spots. With his Invisibility Cloak on and the Marauder's map in his hand, he was nearly nonexistent, much to the annoyance of Ginny and Hermione. Both of them seemed to be trying their hardest to get Harry to talk to them - so much that he began avoiding them intentionally. Harry even suspected Ron was being paid off to talk to him.
When Wednesday rolled around, the castle inhabitants began to dwindle, only a few teachers and students left gathering their belongings. Everyone was stressed about packing, fussing constantly about where they would stay and what they would do, when they would meet next; but Harry felt nothing.
In one hour the train would arrive to take out the last load. Harry was sitting against a tree overlooking the lake covered by his cloak and debating whether to board it or to walk to Hogsmeade. He didn't flinch at the twig snapping behind him.
"You can't do this, Harry," Hermione said, sitting next to him. "We're worried about you - all of us."
"Don't," Harry said. "I'll be fine."
Hermione bit her lower lip. "You aren't fine. Every day you look more depressed. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," said Harry.
"Take off the cloak," Hermione said quietly. "Look at me." She reached out slowly and pulled off Harry's invisibility cloak, letting it slide to the ground as she repositioned herself to face Harry. "You haven't been sleeping."
Harry stared silently ahead.
"You haven't decided on a place to stay yet, have you?" Hermione inquired.
"No," said Harry, shaking his head.
"Why don't you come to my house - I'm going to let my parents stay in Australia for a few more weeks until I can get a stable job. You can stayuntil then - unless you want to live with my parents. I'm sure they'll let you but I'll be moving out."
Harry shrugged. "Sure," he said flatly. "Better than any plan I've come up with."
"Don't sound so excited," Hermione said jokingly.
Harry smiled. "Thanks, Hermione."
"It's what friends do," Hermione informed him. "They stick together." .
"Right," said Harry. "Have you run this by Ron yet?"
"Why should he care?" asked Hermione. "He knows you won't try anything." She raised her eyebrows suggestively.
Harry grinned. "I wasn't talking about me."
"Funny," Hermione rolled her eyes. "Get on the train."
* *
Ron, Luna, Hermione and Harry sat in the same compartment on the ride to King's Cross. Much to Ron's chagrin, Luna chose the seat next to him and, when he asked her to move, pulled out a leather bound book and began to read. Hermione watched amusedly; Harry stared out the window.
"Voldemort," said Luna quite suddenly. Everyone flinched and turned to face her. "It isn't taboo any more," said Luna with a satisfied grin. "Now we can say it all we want. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort."
"Just because we can say it doesn't mean we should say it," Ron said, visibly irritated.
"Well I think we should," challenged Luna. "All of this 'You-Know-Who' printed in the paper is just silly."
"It really isn't as bad as seeing Nargles and Crumple Horned Snorkacks in the paper," muttered Ron.
Luna didn't seem to hear, and turned back to her book.
Silence fell over the compartment once again. After a moment, Ron smiled and reached under his seat, pulling out a tiny chess board.
"Anyone up for a game?" he asked, grinning.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "After winning the war of a lifetime, I'm not too fond of losing again so soon."
"Oh come on," said Ron. "Just one game."
"I'll play," said Luna absently, putting her book down. "Daddy says I'm quite good."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Right, I'm sure," he said (Hermione mouthed, "Don't be rude!"). "Well, if none of them will play, then let's have a go."
"Can I be white?" asked Luna serenely, smoothing out her robes and turning to face Ron. She leaned in close to him and whispered loudly in his ear, "Your black pawns are infested with Grinklers!"
"Umm, right," said Ron awkwardly, dumping out his pieces. "I noticed that too."
Luna pushed her pawn out two spaces and picked up her book. Ron rolled his eyes and moved his piece.
"So what did you do with the stone, Harry?" asked Ron.
Harry turned away from the window. "I dropped it in the forest. Why?"
"You dropped it?" inquired Hermione. "And you left it there?"
"Yes," said Harry. "It's safe there."
"Wait," said Ron. "You left the stone in the forest instead of bringing your parents and Sirius back? There's something wrong with this picture."
Harry shook his head. "The dead like being dead. They don't want to come back."
"You know this how?" asked Ron.
"By talking to them," answered Harry, and he turned back to the window.
Hermione and Ron shared a look. "You what?"
"Before Voldemort killed me, I talked to my parents, Sirius and Dumbledore using the stone," said Harry calmly. "But they don't want to come back."
Hermione gasped. "What did they say?"
"Nothing much," said Harry. "Just that they'll be with me."
"As comforting as that is, it's a bit freaky," Ron commented. "Do you think they're here right now?"
"Thanks Ron," said Harry. "Now I'll be paranoid whenever I'm in the loo. You're the best."
"That's what friends are for," said Ron, winking.
Harry glanced at Hermione. She was smiling at him.
"Checkmate!" announced Luna.
"Impossible," muttered Ron, looking down at the board.
Harry and Hermione shared an equally shocked look, then turned to watch. Ron was frozen.
"Don't worry about it Ronald," said Luna, smiling. "I know you were just going easy on a girl." And she swept out of the room.
"Looks like you've met your match," Harry said, grinning.
Ron growled. "Wanker."