Unofficial Portkey Archive

A Rather Indecent Proposal

Chapter 1: Good Is Relative

Author: Carla, aka cali-chan
Rating: PG, so far. Rating might go up, though, depending on my mood when writing later chapters.
Genre: Romance, humor, drama.
Pairings: Will probably end up R/LL, with H/Hr and D/G on the side.
Canon/timeline: Post-DH, though I haven't read any of the post-DH interviews so I might have a few facts off. I wouldn't say it disregards the epilogue (an open ending is always a possibility), but time-wise this story happens a year after chapter 36 of DH. So the epilogue hasn't happened yet.

Summary: 'I need you to be my boyfriend.' 'Luna, you... do know I'm with Hermione... don't you?' 'Yes, but don't worry, it's okay. I'm not a jealous person.' His eyes almost bugged out. Every time he thought he'd seen her at her limit of craziness, she managed to surprise him yet again.

19-year-old Ronald Weasley was having a good day. And it was only 2 in the afternoon, so that was saying something!

It had been a good day since the sun came out, really, for the Auror department had given all of its trainees the day off, as a reward for a rather well-planned operation they pulled off the previous day, regarding an illegal artifacts bust in Knockturn Alley. With the senior Aurors being too busy catching the Death Eaters that were still roaming the streets even after the fall of You-Know-Who, it had fallen on the trainee's shoulders to handle less dangerous cases. They'd prepared the bust all by themselves, and though the situation, "less dangerous" as it was, was still a bit too much for regular trainees in other circumstances, they'd done a damn good job and had gotten their strategy through. Allowing himself to be a bit arrogant, Ron smirked. They'd been amazing, if he did say so himself. Of course, a day off was the least they could be given after being so efficient. He was so proud, he almost gave himself a pat in the back.

But anyway, back to today. So that's the story behind his day of freedom-- and what a glorious day it was. He had slept like a baby last night, woken up late this morning, had all the time in the world to make himself a wicked breakfast, took the most refreshing bath, and after that he had all the peace and calm of an empty house all to himself for the rest of the morning. Ah, this was the life...

At the moment, he was in the living room of the flat he shared with his two best friends, sitting on the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table, calmly watching a muggle footie match on the telly-thing that Hermione had insisted they install. He had been talking to Hermione's parents a while back, and felt a little left out as Harry and Mr. Granger embarked on a conversation about the sport. That led to his interest, though he had to admit he didn't find it as exciting as quidditch, and it was a bit complicated. Why have so many people on the team if you were only chasing one ball, really? Muggles were funny that way. But his girlfriend had been pushing him to try and understand muggles a bit better, since she was muggle-born and all, and so he gave it his best try.

He couldn't help but rebel a bit, though. He took another slice of the family-sized "Meat Eater Special" pizza he'd ordered, adjusting the box in his lap, and chuckled. Hermione would kill him if she found out he was eating pizza on the couch, but after the operative yesterday and him being such a good boyfriend, he felt he deserved a little leeway on this issue. He didn't know where the rule came from, anyway; what could be so bad about him eating pizza on the couch? It wasn't like he was two-years-old, he knew how to eat, he thought. So he'd let a piece of pepperoni fall on the cushions ONCE; wasn't she ever going to forgive him for that? Mental, that woman. But he still loved her.

All in all, it was a good day.

He narrowed his eyes at the image on the telly-thing.

And if the muggles could figure out how to make their sports easier to understand, the day would be perfect.

As he washed down his pizza with butterbeer (he chuckled at the mental image he had of his two best friends' expression if they knew of THAT particular combination), he tried to make sense of what had just happened in his mind. Because something HAD happened in the match, the referee had blown his whistle and everybody had stopped. What was it that Harry had said happened after the referee took out a red card? Was one of the players expelled? Or was that after a yellow card? Or was it two green cards? No, wait, green had nothing to do with footie, it was the third color in the traffic lights, wasn't it... yeah, it was. Great, now he'd gotten even more confused...

His eyes strayed from the tellyvision to his last slice of pizza. Well, at least the muggles had gotten ONE thing right. Their "fast food" was excellent.

He was still pondering these... deep thoughts... in his head, when he heard the distinct ping of the wards, detecting a presence around the flat. A ping meant the person was someone they knew, and was on their "friends" list. Anyone else would get a harsher sound, or at least that was the way Hermione had set them up, so that if a stranger with possible bad intentions decided to try and get in, they would know, even if they were asleep at the time. Ron had been quick to tell her that it was rather ingenious, and Harry had agreed.

So since it was someone he knew, Ron took his time to finish the pizza slice, clean up with some napkins, and leave the empty pizza box by the trash can, before actually going to get the door. When he finally got to opening the door, he found that his visitor was a very familiar dirty-blond-haired woman. He grinned at the sight. "Luna! Hey, come on in!"

She smiled at him-- in her usual "not quite focused on him" way-- and stepped into the flat. "Hello, Ron. How have you been?" she asked him, her voice every bit as dreamy as it had been when they first met. Her hair was pulled back for a change, only a few long tendrils hanging by the sides of her face. He thought it made her look older than her 18 years. However, it also let him see that her earrings were shaped like bats, which made him chuckle. That was one girl who wouldn't ever change, or so he hoped, at least.

"Good, good," he replied, closing the door behind him. Her long, floral-print skirt waved behind her as she walked in, looking around the living room, probably seeing if anything had changed in the place since the last time she'd been there. Or, knowing Luna, looking for some imaginary creature that might have decided to make a home under their rug. The thought made his grin widen. "It's been good. Listen, if you're looking for Harry, he's not here. It's our day off, so he took Ginny out, they should be at Diagon Alley or something. And Hermione's working, so..."

"That's okay, it was actually you I was looking for," she told him, still walking slowly into the living room. She was now staring intently at the telly, coming to a stop near the sofa where Ron had been sitting previously. "Is that West Ham?" she asked, pointing at the moving images.

Ron blinked, rather owlishly. "Oh, you like footie!" he exclaimed, finally walking back to his previous spot in little more than three strides. "Yeah, that's West Ham... I think... they're the purple and blue, right?" He looked down to the telly as well, noticing that the opposing team had actually scored a goal, probably while he was in the kitchen. Luna nodded to his last question. He put his hands in his pockets, looking down at her. "So... you're a fan?"

"Not really," she admitted, smiling as one of the players went up to the referee to complain. Ron signaled for her to sit on the couch and so she did, him finally taking a seat beside her, both still staring at the luminous screen. "Dean has been trying to teach me, but I don't think I quite get it. He gets a little frustrated about it, sometimes," she continued. Ron nodded, knowing the feeling. She continued speaking, her head inclined slightly to one side as she observed the proceedings. "But I do find it entertaining when everybody starts yelling and people in the stands start throwing things. It's certainly different..."

Ron almost giggled. Almost. "Luna, that's not part of the game," he told her in a way that made him seem overly-knowledgeable about the topic. Never mind that Harry had to explain the same thing to him the first time they caught a match on the telly.

"Oh, well, that's no good," she blinked a few times, faster than she usually did, but otherwise her expression did not change. Ron wondered if this was Luna's version of a pout. "I just don't understand why they need so many people to catch one small ball..."

He gaped at her, immediately noticing that she was mirroring his thoughts from earlier. "Exactly!" he exclaimed, amused.

Luna, however, continued on like he hadn't said anything at all. "...I mean, maybe if each of them used a net of some sort, instead of just kicking the ball towards the big net; it's what Daddy and I used when hunting Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Of course, those had to be rather bigger nets, because Snorkacks are much bigger than footballs, but they wouldn't need nets that big, so they could carry them around the field..."

Ron just stared at her. Really, there was nothing else he could do.

After a while, her babbling died down-- not before she moved from the ever-popular Snorkacks to some other creature whose name Ron was sure he wouldn't be able to pronounce anyway-- and he felt he could finally get a word in. "So, um, you want anything to drink? I've got butterbeer." He offered, snorting to himself straight after. That was something he wouldn't have asked a couple of years ago; he wasn't much of a host, really. Hermione certainly had him housebroken. Or "he had matured a lot," as she often told other people. He knew "matured" meant "housebroken" anyway. He just found it funny by now.

"That would be great," Luna nodded at him. So he went and got them butterbeers, promptly coming back. He turned to her as she picked up hers. "So, what did you need to see me for?"

"Oh, yes," she finally said, after taking a sip of her drink. "Well, I have a rather... indecent proposal for you, Ronald."

One of Ron's eyebrows rose until it was hidden by his fringe. He could clearly hear his thoughts in his head-- it was Harry's voice, how interesting-- say: "...and at the top of the list of things I never thought I would hear come out of even Loony Lovegood's mouth is...", but he verbalized nothing. What was there to say after such affirmation? He wasn't even sure he wanted her to continue, but he had a feeling whatever this "indecent proposal" was, it would be hilarious. He was torn. Luna stared right back at him, unaffected by his baffled expression. She seemed expectant. Was she waiting for him to say something? He just took a drink of his butterbeer and otherwise kept quiet.

After a while of silence, she continued, like awkwardness itself hadn't just flown by between them. He should've known her long pause was just her being weird.

"I need you to be my boyfriend."

He almost spat out his butterbeer.

Good thing he didn't, though, or Luna would've ended up in a very sticky situation. Literally. She was sitting right in front of him, after all.

When he finally managed to tone his almost-choking down to a moderate cough, he took a look at her. She had bent towards him as he started turning purple, slightly patting him in the back in an attempt to clear his airway, a worried expression on her face. "Ron, are you okay? Was it a Winged Crinklewhack? I didn't see one when I came in, but it could still be, because they're very sneaky like that..."

He took a couple of deep breaths before finally feeling alright. He kept staring at her, trying to gouge if she had really said that-- the boyfriend thing, not the crinkle-whatever thing; THAT he could believe she had said-- or if he had hallucinated for a second there. Luna's expression, apart from her worry about his well-being after the butterbeer threatened to flood his lungs, that is, was perfectly normal. He stared at her some more. She stared back. This time, though, the pause was completely on him.

Finally, he started laughing. Luna stopped her attentions, a bit relieved that he wasn't dying anymore. She didn't, however, join him in his mirth. "Ohoho, that was a good one, Luna! Your boyfriend... haha, you almost had me with that one..." His amusement disappeared, though, when he noticed she wasn't laughing as well. She was only staring at him. She wasn't mad, she didn't seem disappointed; in fact, she looked her normal, airy self. However, just the fact that she wasn't staring quite at him, more like through him, made him feel uncomfortable all over again. He tried to avoid her vacant gaze, deciding to wait for a while, to see if she burst out laughing later on, after the joke had passed, as she often did. The silence stretched on, however, and Ron couldn't keep laughing nervously. "You... are you serious?" He finally asked, cringing.

"Well, yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

Ron sighed, wishing he didn't have to do this. His friends had told him once that Luna might have a bit of a crush on him, but he hadn't really believed them. Maybe he should have; he would've been prepared for this, then. He had to let her down gently, he liked her a lot and he didn't want to hurt her. "Luna, you... do know I'm with Hermione... don't you?"

Well, of course she had to know. She had been present for much of their courtship, after all. His attempts at flirting during the DA meetings, the whole debacle with Lavender Brown... she had heard him scream his head off as Hermione was being tortured at Malfoy Manor. Not to mention that they hadn't exactly been hiding their relationship the few times they had gotten together in the past year-- she'd seen them hold hands, hug, even kiss. All their friends had seen it. Surely she had to know.

"Yes, but don't worry, it's okay. I'm not a jealous person."

Ron's eyes almost bugged out. Every time he thought he'd seen her at her limit of craziness, she managed to surprise him yet again. He gasped comically, jaw almost falling to the floor in his shock. "You're bloody nutters!" he exclaimed in a strangled tone. He almost wanted to pinch himself. Was he dreaming? These things just didn't happen in real life...

Finally she did burst out laughing. "Oh, you're so funny, Ron!" She had to hold her stomach, she was laughing that hard. For a second Ron thought she would finally put him out of his misery and concede that everything had been a (cruel) joke, but she didn't. "I guess... I guess I should explain where I'm coming from," she said, still giggling, as she wiped the tears off the corner of her eyes. It took her a moment to finally compose herself. "You see, now that I've graduated from Hogwarts, Daddy has been very worried about what I'm going to do next." She turned away from him, staring at the telly once again. "Since our house was destroyed last year, he's been talking about the two of us moving to Switzerland, maybe him joining the G.R.O.W.L...."

"The what?" He asked, much against his will. He had asked, and now she was going to go off on a tangent, and end up explaining nothing. Although, maybe that was a good thing...

"The G.R.O.W.L. Guild of Reconnoiterers of Organisms of Wizarding Loci. It's an organization that researches Magical creatures." Ron nodded, knowing it would have something to do with that. It was the Lovegoods, after all. "Daddy's really excited about that, he's always wanted to be a member. But... I don't want to leave."

Ron frowned slightly, not quite understanding, or at least not understanding what this all had to do with her asking him to be her boyfriend. "Luna?" he prodded, intending it to mean that she should explain this a bit more.

She smiled, a little sadly. "See, you, and Harry, and the others... you're the only friends I've ever had. Here... is the only place where I felt happy. Where I felt like I belonged. And I don't want to leave that. So I told Daddy I had a boyfriend. One I couldn't leave behind."

It was finally starting to dawn on Ron, what had prompted all of this. "Well... I'm glad to hear that, Luna. I mean, you're a really good friend of mine, too, but... couldn't you just have told him the truth? That you didn't want to leave your friends?"

She nodded, but then appeared to think better of it, and shook her head. "After the war, my dad's been having a lot of problems because... well, because he aligned himself with the Death Eaters. It hasn't been easy for him. People don't trust him much around here, anymore." Ron silently agreed with those people, though. His last encounter with Xenophilius hadn't been all that great. He understood why he had done what he had done, of course, but it didn't make it any easier to trust the guy. "He saw Switzerland as some sort of Promised Land. I thought, if I had to make him stay here and give up a happy life, it better be for something that could make him even happier."

He frowned. "What, he was forcing you to find a boyfriend?"

Luna sighed, and looked down. Ron thought that was as close to sad as he'd ever seen her, and it made him feel weird inside. It was just not right to see her that way. Unnatural, even. "There's... one more thing," she continued speaking. She seemed hesitant. "Since he came out of Azkaban, Daddy... he hasn't been the same," she admitted. Ron frowned again. "He's weak, and he gets sick very often. The healers told us there's not much they can do about it; the damage is in his soul. We... don't think he'll make it for much longer." To her credit, she stayed together. Her voice didn't crack, her eyes didn't water. She only moved to cross her arms, not quite hugging herself.

He felt a pang in his heart. He knew what it felt to lose a member of his family. He couldn't even imagine what it would be to lose the only member of his family he had left. "Luna..."

She smiled, though. "That's why he was in such a hurry for us to move. He wants to finally be part of the G.R.O.W.L., before... well, you know." The smile then almost froze in her face. "He's worried about leaving me alone. He keeps saying he wants me to be happy, with someone who will take care of me. He was hoping I would find someone who shared my interests in Switzerland, but I just... can't bring myself to leave. So when it came to thinking of an excuse, it was the only thing I could tell him." She sighed again. "He was so happy to hear that..."

Ron really felt for the girl. First she saw her mother die when she was nine; then, she was left alone in the world when she was barely eighteen. That wasn't fair, not at all. "I'm so sorry to hear that, Luna..." And he was, but other than awkwardly touching her shoulder, he had no idea what else to say or do. He really wished Hermione or Ginny were here at the moment. "You know, we'll always be here if you need us."

She smiled again, her eyes coming back to their usual dreamy state. "Thanks, Ron. That's why I need your help, though! You see, it's been a while since I told him, and the boyfriend hasn't made an appearance. Daddy's been asking to meet him... he's asking questions. I don't really know what to tell him anymore. So I need someone to pretend to be my boyfriend for a while, at least so I can convince Daddy that I'll be fine when he... goes."

He looked around, thinking. He scratched his head a bit, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze. "I understand that, now. And I would help you if I could, really. But why me? I mean, I have a girlfriend. Surely someone else..."

"Well, I thought of asking Dean," she interrupted him in a rather matter-of-fact tone. He let her continue. "But he's so deeply in love with me, I would prefer not to lead him on. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to damage our friendship, really." Ron shut his mouth with an audible click, and he stared at her with wide eyes once more. Dean, as in Dean Thomas? Dean, who had been his roommate at Hogwarts for six years? In love with Luna Lovegood? No way. Was that true, or was she pulling his leg? She had said all of this like she would say they were having nice weather these days. It was hard to tell with Luna.

"I thought of Seamus, too, but since he's Dean's best friend, I figured that would not go too well, either. It couldn't be Harry-- he has Ginny, after all, and his life is so exposed, I wouldn't want to draw Daddy into that. Although for a while there he thought I had a crush on Harry, you know. I think it was because the first portrait I painted on my ceiling was his. But that was only because it matched my color scheme so well, you see. And his eyes make him look rather dashing." Ron didn't know if he should chuckle there. Harry had told him about Luna's ceiling, and he'd thought it was nice. Weird, a bit freaky, but nice. "I haven't spoken to George much, and I wouldn't want to upset him anymore; I know he's still grieving Fred. Then Neville is interning with Professor Sprout, so he can't be here, not really. And I don't know any of my fellow housemates or classmates all that well. So you're the only option I have. And I've seen how you are with Hermione; there's no way my dad will think you're not good enough for me."

His mind was a bit dizzy after that big explanation. The one thought that stood out, was that he didn't know if he should be flattered that she thought him to be a good boyfriend, or offended that she came to him as a last resort. He kicked that little stray to the side, though, and focused on the girl in front of him. "Won't he know about me and Hermione, though? We've been in the papers and everything..."

"Daddy doesn't read other publications, not anymore. And we don't own a wireless. You don't have to worry about him finding out that way."

He closed his eyes and rubbed them hard, trying to organize his thoughts. He couldn't let her rope him into this. "I understand, Luna, but I just... I just don't think I can do this. I'm not good at pretending. I know I'm gonna say something wrong and then the shite will really hit the fan. It's just... not a good idea."

She moved forward and took one of his hands in both of his. "Please, Ron. You're my only hope. It won't be anything big, I swear. Maybe a couple of dinners at my place, visiting from time to time... Hermione won't even notice. And I promise I'll do everything I can so you don't feel uncomfortable. It'll be alright. And... it'll be over soon, anyway... I'm sure of it."

Her tone during that last phrase was so dejected, that Ron couldn't help but squirm. His conscience was pulling and pushing him in two opposite directions: against, because he had a girlfriend and it was... it was just wrong; and pro, because Luna was his friend, and her father was dying, and he should do anything in his power to help her through her loss. He didn't know which side to go with, it was too much at one time. With the girl holding his hand so desperately, though, he couldn't help but start giving in to pressure. "This is... really crazy, you know that?"

She started to smile again. "You'll do it, then?"

Ron sighed. "Yes. But if it starts getting weird, I'm out," he added. He wouldn't go down without a fight. There were some conditions he had to add to the contract.

She nodded, assuring him that the whole thing was up to him. "Thank you, Ron! You won't regret this, I promise." She stood up and made sure the glass of butterbeer, which she had left on the coffee table when the conversation started getting deep, was stable. "I'll call you to let you know when you can come visit, is that alright?"

He nodded, running a hand through his hair. He couldn't quite believe he had actually agreed to this madness. As he let the blonde girl out of his flat, though, a sense of impending doom crept over him. He didn't like it one bit. He couldn't believe how a day that had started out so good had ended up being so... strange. Oh, well, strange was relative, he figured. Just as good was relative. All that he knew, was that his head hurt and all he wanted was to lay down and do nothing, at least until his roommates came back home. Just rest and get all thoughts of this... crazy arrangement out of his mind.

He really had no idea what he was getting into.

Author's notes: Wow, that came out way longer than I expected it to be O.o

Before I say anything else, I want to make a point clear: I'm aware that this puts me in a minority within my ship (all my ships, really), but I LOVED Deathly Hallows. LOVED it. It's right there on the top of my list, along with PoA. Yes, the epilogue was a little... ick, but most of everything else I thought was just perfect. Read my review if you don't believe me. So you see, I'm not writing this as a way of making myself feel better after being "cheated" by Mrs. Jo. I'm not using this fic as some sort of Novocaine for my broken heart. I just had an idea, and ran with it. For that reason, I'm not in any real hurry to finish this fic. Add to that the fact that I'm just a naturally slow writer, and... well, I wouldn't expect updates to come very quickly. Sorry.

In fact, I wasn't even going to type this up, much less post it, for a while. Why did I do it, then? Three reasons: One, so I don't forget. And I quite like this idea, so I really don't want to forget about it. Two, because, technically, I haven't really written anything Ron/Luna and DH just left me itching to write them. Those couple of little R/LL moments, they were some of my favorite parts of the book. And three, because if published, it would be the 111th R/LL fanfic on Portkey. I like that number, so sue me xD

Please do review if you read! Your comments can only help me get inspired, it will never do any damage. And if you still want to prod me to update faster, go right ahead, I could never get mad about that, really.