Author's Note: Please, can someone tell me if chapters can be re-uploaded without losing review data?
This chapter, as you'll notice, is set mostly from Ron's point of view. I think he ought to have a say in this.
***
Chapter Four: Pretend
I saw him watching us that day.
He was there in the bushes, an incredibly stunned expression on his face as I turned away from her and made to leave. I didn't know what was so odd to him-was it me kissing her, or her denying that she fancied him? No, I decided as I considered his expression. It was more than that. There was a hint of betrayal as he looked between me and her, and I knew what he was thinking. If I had been in his position, I'd have thought that, too.
He felt as if she'd lied to him. Like she had deceived him by saying she could never choose, but then went behind his back and did this. It's sad that he saw things that way, because this really wasn't her fault-this had been my idea, walking in the garden with her while I worked up the nerve to kiss her, just that one time. I didn't expect her to respond the same way…
So it was as much of a shock for me when I felt her hand on my shoulder, gesturing me to face her. I felt my eyes widen as she momentarily considered what she was doing, before leaning forward and pressing her lips to mine. And when I got over than initial surprise, it was only natural that I responded enthusiastically, holding her and pulling her closer to me. I didn't give Harry a second thought. Hell, that was a moment I intended to enjoy fully, no worries on my mind.
I half expected him to interrupt and tear us apart, but he didn't. He was quiet that night, though; more than ever. Made me feel kind of guilty, too, but it wasn't much-I have to be honest here. Harry's my best mate, but Hermione's…well, she's well on another level. I actually thought about going back on the whole thing, telling her we shouldn't…but then Harry got involved in his training, and he seemed pretty happy, so I figured everything was okay. Like he'd gotten used to the idea and decided he actually liked it, sort of.
I was a real idiot. Completely stupid and bloody nutters.
I think I still am. Why do I keep missing these things?
--
"Ron!"
She was positively radiant. It might have just been the fact that his eyes hadn't enjoyed such a beautiful sight in so long, but she looked…incredible. She was smiling, almost bouncing on the balls of her feet as she watched him sit up on his bed for the first time in months. Everything seemed so intense for him just now…her scent seemed utterly mouthwatering from where he sat, her lips so inviting…
So it felt strange when she strode towards him and embraced him in a gentle, almost sisterly hug rather than kissing him like he'd expected-and wanted, desperately.
"You look…wow," he managed to murmur hoarsely. His throat hurt from lack of use, "You're definitely…a sight for sore eyes," he joked weakly, grinning.
"T-This is incredible, Ron…I'm so happy you're alright…" she whispered, pulling away from him and stopping to look at him, her eyes shining with tears as she smiled, "I-it's been so long…" she added, looking down at her shoes for a fleeting moment. He took advantage of her distraction, summoning all the strength he had and pulling her close to him. Ignoring her shocked expression, he captured her lips with his, marveling at the fact that this particular activity was painless despite his lengthy hiatus from it.
But it wasn't a second before she pulled away, looking unmistakably disgusted. He wondered whether his breath stank, but somehow, as he took in her distressed appearance, he knew that wasn't it. There was something else-something far more complicated-that was bothering her, and as she mumbled something in a low voice and took a step back, he knew she wasn't planning on discussing it.
Yet they were alone, and he couldn't stand not knowing…
"W-what's wrong? Are you okay, Hermione?" he sputtered, an almost frantic worry finding its way to his voice.
She didn't answer, throwing a worried glance in the direction of the door.
"I…I'm sorry-," he was interrupted by a sudden coughing fit, and she seemed temped to move towards him, though she didn't, "-if that was…too sudden…" his voice broke off as he gazed at her desperately, willing her to speak.
She did, shaking her head, "It's okay, Ron. I-I'm really sorry…it's just…it's been a long time and-"
The door suddenly swung open, Harry standing in the doorway with a flustered look on his face as he took in the sight of Ron sitting on the bed with his hands outstretched towards Hermione. His mouth spread into a huge grin, "Ron!" he bellowed, racing towards him and enveloping him in a tight hug, seemingly oblivious to the tension between him and Hermione.
Ron managed to sneak a glance at Hermione, though. And he could only stare apprehensively at her watery eyes; at her features as they arranged into a look of indescribable pain and confusion…of torturous pain and sorrow, before quickly reverting back to a warm smile that didn't reach her eyes.
--
You know, I don't remember many things about the time I was in a coma. I'm not supposed to-it's not like I was here for anything that might have happened. But, for some reason, I always feel like I was better at first, rather than when I finally woke up. It felt like I'd just got up from a really long dream, but I've always remembered that the beginning of the dream was really nice, and that Hermione's voice was all around me, so much that I could almost reach out and touch her. Sometimes it felt like I did, and that she touched me back, running her fingers softly along my cheek.
But then, somewhere along the line, I felt like Hermione spent less time in my dreams. I couldn't reach out and touch her anymore, and her voice seemed so far away all of a sudden. Everything was dark, and I was alone…I didn't like it. They thought I got worse because of the potions they gave me, but somehow I know it wasn't because of that. I just needed her, and she didn't seem to be there anymore, no matter how hard I looked…
It kind of felt that way this time, too. Only now, my pain got worse. It was hurting more than just my thoughts…it was everywhere; there was no escape to it. Only her-that was the only way I managed to find some peace. They think it was the Calming Draughts that made me feel better, but that's just bollocks. I know what goes on in my mind, and it was her. Hermione, coming to see me yesterday and breaking down to tears as she sat down beside me and held my hand.
She says so many things when she thinks no one can hear her.
She kept apologizing, over and over, to someone that wasn't there. She mentioned my name, too, almost as many times as his, but never with as much feeling. It seemed to hurt her immensely to say it, but she did, over and over.
Harry.
Harry.
Harry…
And maybe it's because Calming Draughts and comas make me more insightful, but I just knew. Right then, it was all so clear. I suddenly knew Harry was back in her life-back again, an uncontrollable force that insisted on disturbing her carefully constructed peace. Her peace with me. Because it wasn't enough for him to know she still loved him, and only him-no, he was back to take her from me once and for all, tired of playing along with the charade and pretending nothing had ever happened between them. Tired of pretending that none of us noticed.
--
"Harry, what the bloody hell is going on?"
His face was instantly unreadable, eerily peaceful; a truly delicate piece of work. The only indication that he knew what Ron was talking about was the fact that he remained completely and utterly silent, seemingly unfazed by his friend's fierce, angry gaze.
"What d'you mean?" he asked quietly, burying his hands in his pockets, still determinedly meeting Ron's furious eyes.
Ron made a frustrated sound that was dangerously close to a growl, "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about! I'm not stupid, Harry! I know something's going on!" he hissed, waving his hands around to emphasize his point.
Harry closed his eyes, and spoke without opening them, "Do you?" he murmured, shaking his head, that unnatural, impossibly serene air still about him.
"Damn right I do! You-and Hermione," his voice seemed to soften as he uttered her name, but he composed himself quickly, his glare becoming stronger, "I know you're keeping something from me-and…I know what it is!"
Harry opened his eyes slowly, and Ron wondered if he was doing this to incense him further. That stupid, calm attitude he insisted on projecting…it was completely maddening. Did he really think so low of him that he thought he would buy that act? It was incredible-as if he didn't even know him. When Harry didn't speak, Ron swallowed the impulse to yell at him and continued talking in an angry stage whisper.
"Why did you try to hide this from me? I'm not blind, you know…I found out!"
"We didn't want to hurt you," Harry's voice was low, his words barely decipherable.
Ron shook his head, "You didn't trust me enough to tell me! I love her, Harry-I think I have a right to know if she…well, if she changed her mind," he finished weakly, before narrowing his eyes, "Or if someone changed it for her."
Harry's eyes shot up to meet his, and in an instant, the mask was gone, replaced with clear, irrepressible fury, "How can you say that? Are you implying that I took advantage of her?" he demanded incredulously, his voice almost scornful, "What's wrong with you, Ron?"
"Fine, so maybe you didn't. But still…you had an opportunity-"
"I'm her friend. I kept her alive while you were sleeping!" Harry spat, "And things just happened, Ron! It was out of my hands-I tried, I really did. I don't care if you don't believe me. But it came to the point that we just couldn't ignore it anymore…"
"Oh, shut up. I don't need all the gory details," Ron snapped, his expression revolted.
They both fell silent, glaring at each other. Ron's hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, his ears red as ever, while Harry's thin frame was tense all over, his jaw set.
Suddenly, Harry found himself speaking, "I…I'm sorry, Ron…" he mumbled quietly, and his gaze was no longer defensive or angry, "I'm sorry you had to go through this. It was my fault…my mistake. Don't-don't blame her."
"It's okay," Ron muttered quickly, guilt getting the best of him.
Harry closed his eyes, grimacing as he spoke, "Don't worry about this, okay? Just forget about it. I…I'm leaving for Auror training soon-and it'll be like this never happened. Like nothing ever…like she and I never had anything more than friendship," his voice was so incredibly quiet, his words so low, that it was almost impossible to discern the agonizing sorrow hidden behind them.
Almost.
But Ron found himself nodding, barely registering how, in someone else's eyes, the fact that he was agreeing to his friend's proposition might be viewed as complete and utter selfishness.
--
Why stop pretending?
Doesn't anyone care about how I feel about this? It's nothing personal against Harry-it's just that…I don't want to lose Hermione. I don't want to suffer like he did. And I'm not saying he deserved what he got, but I do think he brought it all on. He knew Hermione and I were together-knew that were in love. Why did he have to get in the way? It's never been the same after that. Never.
She hasn't been the same.
She used to look at me differently. She used to hold me differently, too. Her voice, her tone…everything was much softer, tenderer, before. I know it's stupid…but he changed her. Sometimes, when we go to bed and I can't sleep, I listen to her mumbling in her sleep. She says his name almost every night, and she suffers. It's like he's cornered her in the one place she can't escape, turning her dreams into nightmares.
And I hate that I can tell.
But that's bollocks, too, see, because Harry isn't like that. He really didn't mean to do anything while I was out cold. It just happened, like he said. And he hasn't chased her in all this time, honoring his promise to me. He's a good mate, Harry. He'd rather make himself miserable than see anyone else suffer because of him. So why? Why did he accede to the teaching post? We all know what's going to happen, even if Hermione swore it was strictly business and in the interest of the school's safety. It's completely obvious. Just…there, a ridiculously easy puzzle laid out for me to place the pieces together.
It's going to happen again, and I can't take it.
Because I know that this time, there won't be a do-over.
It'll be permanent…forever…
"Ron?"
My body tensed as I opened my eyes and took in the sight of Hermione poking her head into the room, as if she were worried that she'd woken me up or something. I motioned for her to come in, and just…stared at her. I loved the way the outer corners of her eyes crinkled just slightly when she smiled, and that funny way she had of smoothing the sheets before sitting on them, even though she knew they would wrinkle a second later. And I loved the way she ran her hand across my cheek as if she were checking for a fever…her touch was so soft and warm…
"Hermione…" My voice was ridiculously enthusiastic, and she blushed at the sound of it. I grinned, but my face fell when I had to hold myself back from kissing her. I didn't have many good memories regarding hospital wards and kissing to go on, after all-I didn't know what to expect if I did. And I hated that…if it weren't for Harry, I'd be sure that she would kiss me back. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have to worry about this right now-it would come as second nature to me, like it always does. Kissing Hermione used to be the only thing I could do upon impulse without worrying about the consequences…and now, because of him, that changed.
I leaned forward very slowly, meeting her eyes just before our lips touched and speaking the silent question. I don't know how to describe exactly what I saw there, in her gaze, but it was magic-the kind you never learn about at Hogwarts. And it pushed me forward, encouraging me, egging me on. So I kissed her. I don't know if she kissed me back-I just know that I was kissing her and it felt like I was on fire. Like I was soaring, flying…
Her cheeks were pink as she pulled back, rather quicker than I would have hoped, "That was…different," she said, smiling slightly, "Are you okay?"
No.
I wasn't.
I was wondering how much time we had left for us…how much time I had left with her…
"Excellent," I answered, somehow managing to grin.
"I'm glad. Mr. Stratovac says you'll be up and about soon enough. They'll be finishing the tests this week, and then you're off."
"I won't be able to spend any time with you before you leave," I mumbled, my grin sliding off my face completely as I realized that Hermione would be leaving for Hogwarts in three or four days.
This seemed to bother her somewhat, "Yes, I know. I'm regretting suggesting to Minerva that the staff come earlier than usual to prepare the school…"
"Take it back, then," I suggested hopefully.
She shook her head, "The decision's already been made; I can't do anything now but pack," she sighed, and I held back the sudden urge to hold her, "I suppose I could come if we finished early, and then return on the train with the students…oh, but I'm not sure…"
"Nah, it's okay-I'll come see you when I get out of the hospital," I said brightly, "I'll Side-Apparate with Ginny to Hogsmade or something, too, so I'll be safe," I added, noticing the concerned look that flashed across her face before she frowned and looked at her watch.
"Mmm…yes, that could work…" she seemed far away somehow, lost in her thoughts as she glanced at the door, still frowning. Turning to look at me, her face broke into a smile, as she quickly said, "But never mind that now. I brought you some things your family sent…you want to look through those while I go get us some food?"
"I can eat food now?" I asked eagerly; the Healers hadn't been letting me eat anything because of the tests they'd been conducting on me.
She nodded, "As of today."
"Brilliant!"
Hermione laughed, shaking her head, "I'll be back soon," she said, kissing my lips lightly as she slid off the bed and left the room. And I just stared after her, my sudden happiness fading almost as quickly as she'd left the room. I looked down at the bag of gifts from my family, suddenly thinking I didn't feel like looking at them right now. I didn't want to do anything right now-I just wanted everyone to fall back into the charade and leave things the way they'd been three weeks ago.
But I guess that's just too much to ask.
--
It was late, and Hermione was lost, caught between dreams and memories she couldn't keep evading anymore. She was weak, vulnerable as ever when she closed her eyes and felt the barriers break down around her. Because while she could avoid thinking about Harry when she was awake, she didn't have a choice when she descended into the realm of her mind…
--
"Will you promise me something?"
She didn't look up at him as she spoke, her voice down to a whisper suddenly. He couldn't make out her face in the darkness of the room, but by the tone she used, he could picture her delicate features, arranged into an insecure frown. Such an odd expression for her to use…
He nodded, curious, "What is it?"
But she didn't answer. She moved and sat up at the edge of the bed, facing away from him. Her smooth, pearled skin seemed to glow in the moonlight, and he couldn't hold back the urge to stretch out his hand and feel it momentarily. The tips of his fingers became entangled in the soft curls of her hair before they gently grazed down the nape of her neck, along the elegant arch of her back and stopped their movement as they reached too low. She gave a soft sigh, heavy with emotion.
"But will you promise?" Her voice was insistent.
He was quiet as he answered, "Yes."
"No matter what it is?" she seemed so deeply troubled, her arms wrapped around herself, hands clutching her shoulders, "Would you keep that promise?"
He hated seeing her this way. It tugged at his heart and ate him away slowly to know she was in so much pain, "Yes, Hermione. I would do anything for you," he answered, his voice quiet but fervent, eyes almost shining as he strained for her to believe him.
She turned to look at him now, scrutinizing his expression almost as closely as he watched hers. Eyes unguarded, brimming with tears and full of worry and uncertainty, her lips trembling in a thin line…he seemed to fly towards her, enveloping her in his arms and looking into those eyes, pleading for an answer but at a loss for words.
She bit her lip, "If Ron…when Ron wakes up-when he comes back…you won't leave me, right? You won't go?" she looked into his eyes urgently, feeling his grip loosen around her at those words, "I-I can't…I can't think that we might not…I love you, Harry…"
It was his turn to be silent. He couldn't think of anything to say. Because what would make him happier than staying with her forever? What could he ever want more? Nothing-absolutely nothing. She was everything to him…his very life and reason to wake up every morning. He would die a thousand times-gladly accept eternal suffering, if it meant that he could save her any pain and assure her all the happiness in the world.
But how could he promise her this? Ron…it would kill him. How could he do this to him?
He actually found himself wishing, fleetingly, that Ron would die, and instantly loathed himself for allowing such a despicable thought to cross his mind. It was selfish…but then he would be able to promise Hermione everything-anything in the world. He could stay by her side for every day of eternity…watch her smile, hear her laugh, feel the softness and warmth of her touch…and never lose her. Never have to say goodbye.
"Promise me you won't leave me, Harry. Promise me we'll stay together," she was sobbing now, shaking in his arms. And he was prepared to explain, prepared to tell her that that was the one promise he could never make…until he heard her again, "Please…please, Harry…"
How could he possibly deny her the one thing she begged him for? And what's more, when that was the one thing he wanted more fiercely and strongly than anything else in the world?
He closed his eyes, opening them to gaze at her desperate, tear-stricken face as he whispered, "I love you, Hermione. I promise to love you until my heart stops beating…and I promise to stay with you until that very moment," he gulped, trying to keep his breathing calm, "I won't ever leave you."
He pulled her close, drowning her sob as her arms curled around him tightly. And as he buried his face in her hair, he tried to ignore the dull stinging in his eyes and the hard lump in his throat.
--
"Harry…"
I hate him. Not out of jealousy-that's stupid. It's this…what he does to her. How he makes her suffer. Sometimes I kind of feel like it's my fault, too, because I agreed when he suggested that he leave. And those times, I hate myself, too. But then again, I realize that if he hadn't gone and made her fall in love with him, well…
In my eyes, the blame just falls back on him, no matter how much I think about it. And maybe it's not that way, really. Maybe this is all my fault for standing in between of the "star-crossed lovers". I might even be the stupid villain of this story…poor, stupid Ron, who got in the way and made his best friends suffer. Isn't that the way most people would see it?
I can't help but think that's unfair. Why doesn't anyone care about me? Do my feelings count for nothing?
I love her. I don't know if it's more than he does, but I know I love her.
"Harry-Harry…!"
I wish he could hear her. Maybe then he would see the pain he causes her.
But he doesn't, and he won't. He'll never see this side of her, because this Hermione exists only when he's not around her. The moment he appears, she changes-the pain is gone, the sorrow vanishes…she forgives and forgets.
I caressed her face gently, tracing my finger along her cheek for the briefest of moments. Then I settled back into my pillows, closing my eyes and willing myself to relax. After all, it wouldn't be the first time I fell asleep to the sound of her sobs.