Today Will Be Better, I Swear
The closet's been shaking with bones.
Little reminders that you're out on your own.
Today is going to be a better one.
There's nothing more to take in
That's going wrong.
May 23, 2018 (Same Day)
The house was completely silent when she walked in, though a slow glow came from the living room. She headed toward it, feeling uneasy and unsettled.
"You're back already?" Called Ron from the couch, a bottle of Firewhiskey in hand.
"You're drinking already?" Retorted Hermione.
Ron shrugged. "Just started really." He held up the bottle and shook it. "See, almost full."
Hermione sighed, looking down at her shoes; they were old and worn.
"What? No ugly retort?"
"No." She sighed again. "No, not today."
She heard the clink of the bottle as Ron set his Firewhiskey down. "Hermione?"
She swallowed heavily.
"Hermione?" Ron called again.
"I'm sorry, Ron. I'm so sorry."
Suddenly Ron was standing in front of her, and she looked up to see concern written on his face. The sight made her feel a great deal worse, if possible.
"Hermione, what's going on?"
"I-I'm sorry. I just-" She trailed off, choking on her words.
"Stop apologizing!" Ron began to sound panicked. "You-what happened?"
Hermione took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "I'm not in love with you, Ron."
Dead silence.
Ron stared. "What?"
"I said, I'm not-"
"I heard what you said, Hermione." She watched, almost fascinated by the way his jaw clenched and unclenched. "I'm just wondering why the fuck you said it!"
"Ron-"
"Shut it, Hermione! Just shut it!"
His jaw and fists now clenched and unclenched in unison, mirroring his labored breathing.
She watched him silently, with her last vestiges of regret. She had not realized she had any left.
"We've been married almost 15 years." He sneered. "What made you decide that you didn't-you didn't-" He faltered at the end, almost loosing his rage.
"I'm sorry, Ron-I-"
"Don't apologize!" He yelled, nearly spitting into her face. "Don't fucking apologize! Just tell me why! Tell me how! For Merlin's sake, tell me when!"
She paused, looking down and stalling for time. She wondered if she was strong enough to do this, break Ron's heart like this. But really, he deserved better; he deserved someone who did love him, without limitations or misgivings, and this was the only way she could ever let him have that.
And maybe, just maybe, she would let herself have that too.
"The truth is-The truth is I'm not quite sure-well-"
"Dammit, Hermione! Spit it out!"
She griped her right hand in an attempt to keep it from shaking but found it was her entire body that quaked.
"I'm not sure if I ever loved you at all."
Ron's entire face screwed up and for a moment Hermione had no idea what he was going to do next-hit her, storm out of the room, or break into tears
.
After a moment, he ended up slumping onto the couch in defeat.
This is what you've done to him. You've reduced Ron Weasley, a man of courage and love, short temper and occasional thoughtlessness, boyishness and kindness, to this.
This is what you've done.
She felt the need to explain herself, but realizing it would only serve to make herself feel better, remained silent.
"Why-" He croaked. "Why did you even marry me then?"
"I-I thought I might-love you-and I do, in a way, just not-"
"Not in the way you're supposed to."
"No." She sighed. "I wish I could, Ron. I do honestly wish I could-it would be so much easier."
Ron, his head in his hands, snorted, either from disbelief or humorless laughter.
"I was always surprised-always surprised that you chose to be with me."
"Stop it, Ron! This isn't about you at all!"
He stood suddenly, snapping back into a towering rage. "Not about me? Not about me! Of course it's about me!"
"It's not." She whispered back. "You're a wonderful man, just-"
"Just." He mocked. "Just not what? Not handsome enough? Not rich enough? Not smart enough? I'm fucking tired of not being enough!"
"-Just not the man I love."
Ron's right eye twitched once; in one fluid motion he picked up the Firewhiskey bottle from the table and threw it into the wall.
"I suppose there is a man you love then, eh, Hermione? A man you're leaving me for?"
"It's not what you think, Ron."
"Not what I think? Well here's what I think." He picked up a vase and threw that against the wall as well. "I think you're in love with someone else! I think you've betrayed me and the rest of this family! And I think you've been fucking him behind my back!"
Hermione looked down, resigned. "It was once. Once. Over 12 years ago. And I've regretted that moment every day since then."
"And I suppose that justifies it, then? Because you're sorry!"
"No." She said, her voice surprisingly steady. "It doesn't."
Ron's shoulders slumped; with this motion the rage left his body once again. "Why can't you act like a stuck-up know-it-all now? I need-I need to be mad at you-but I can't-I can't when you're-"
"You should be mad at me. I-I need you to be mad at me as well."
He chuckled, cynically, without humor. "I suppose you really have been beating yourself up about this for 12 years. Hell, you used to rag on yourself for weeks if you got a test question wrong."
"It-it doesn't matter. I still can't-forgive myself for the awful thing I did."
He sighed and looked at her strangely.
"You need to go. I can't-"
She nodded mutely and turned to leave.
"Hermione?" Ron called, before she left the room.
She froze.
"It's Harry, isn't it?"
She turned to face him, almost surprised, then nodded.
"It's always been Harry, hasn't it?" He then smiled bitterly. "Rose always did seem more like him than me."
"Ron-"
"Don't." He shook his head. "Don't. Just go."
She left the house quickly, but only made it to the front steps until she collapsed, drained of all her strength. She looked at her watch, illuminated by the moon, following the movements of the second hand.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Midnight.
A new day.
Today will be better.
It has to be.
A/N: Poor Ron. I really do feel bad for him. I see Ron, even in adulthood, as a person with a bad temper, one that runs hot, but burns out relatively quickly. I don't think Ron is a bad guy-I do like his character at times, but really, he and Hermione are terrible for each other.
Only one chapter left (though that chapter does include an epilogue), which will probably be posted on Friday! I can't believe this story is almost done!
In other news, if you're tired of how depressing this thing is, I recently posted up an absolutely silly one-shot on fanfiction.net that is more in my usual (read: absurd) style. It's called The One Where The Entire Gryffindor Common Room Lusts After Harry Wearing Quidditch Pants and Hermione is Persuasive, or more simply (because FF.net wouldn't let me post that whole title) Of Quidditch Pants and Persuasion. And yes, it is as ridiculous as it sounds. However, it may be a nice break. Actually, I wrote it while I was in the middle of this story and feeling terribly upset with what I was writing. Haha. Anyways, the story is here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4068063/1/Of_Quidditch_Pants_and_Persuasion