For You I Will
Chapter Two.
I've been acting strange. Even Ron's starting to notice.
That's saying something. If Ron notices you're in trouble.
He says to me, the other night, what's going on? I squint at him, confused.
"Whadya mean?"
"You. You're weird."
"Yeah great, thanks."
He sighs. "You know what I mean. You've been strange lately. Quiet."
"It's nothing."
"Is it about me and Luna?"
I can't help but smile, and shake my head. "No, god no. I'm happy for you guys. The only thing about Luna is that I wish she'd keep her bloody hair one colour. It's freaking me out. Ever since she learnt that illusion charm I haven't seen it a normal colour since."
Ron grins this dreamy smile that he gets every time anyone talks about Luna now and I make dry retching noises. He throws a cushion at me, hard.
"No but it's like...you've got a secret. Even Hermione asked me if you were seeing someone on the sly."
I shrug, shake my head, and appear nonchalant. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Ron scoffs at me. "Yeah. And Hagrid doesn't want a baby Unicorn for Christmas. Shit Harry, admit it, something's going on." He grins conspiratorially. "You're getting some aren't you."
He studies me for a moment and his eyes grow wide. "Natalie! Brunette, big ass - receptionist for Kingsley! It's her isn't it!"
I throw the cushion back at his head.
But I don't put him straight. He seems to think he's come up with the answer so he's walking around all proud of himself now, like he's solved the world's biggest riddle. I can tell he's bugging Hermione, -they haven't said anything in front of me but I know that she must be pissed that he knows something and he's not telling her. And she's frustrated that she can't figure it out when she usually knows everything.
Good. See, always wanting to know everything, having to have control. She'd be a nightmare to live with.
And I know she thinks she should be able to figure it out. And that she's maybe a little hurt because I've always come to her for advice about girls.
But that's precisely my problem. This is one girl situation I definitely can't ask her advice on. I wish I could to be honest. I know she'd know exactly what to do.
So I just keep hoping that I'll get over it. Like it's just some phase I'm going through, a silly crush that came about somehow but that I'll get over soon.
I keep thinking that I'll stop noticing things like how long and dark her eyelashes are - even though I'm sure she doesn't wear make up on them. Or how she bites her bottom lip when she's sitting cross legged on our floor, watching TV.
But she's not making it easy for me.
She touches me all the time, as if she doesn't know how it affects me. Which is probably because she doesn't. But I don't remember if she used to do it before.
She leans on me, grasps my arm or rests her chin on my shoulder. She comes up behind me when I'm sitting in a chair and puts her fingers into my hair. She plays with it while she talks and I have to pretend it annoys me and swat her hand away.
The worst is when she stays in my bed.
When we've been out in town, we always end up rolling out of a black cab and onto the pavement in front of mine and Ron's flat. I always wish she would just take the cab on to her house, but I know she won't, it's too far and too expensive. I'd pay for it, no problem, but I know it would make them suspicious if I suggested it.
And we've always had too much to drink for anyone to apparate or floo.
So it's inevitable. Ron and Luna go straight to his room. If it's just Hermione she'll sleep on the couch. But if any of the other boys are there, she seems to see me as the lesser of two evils to spending the night in the lounge with drunken boys so she slips into my bed.
It's happened twice now. She doesn't even ask me. It's dark, I'm lying staring at the wall and I hear her bare footsteps as she trots across the hall and pushes open my squeaky door.
Luckily it's a super king sized bed so I don't have to touch her. If I knew a charm to make the bed bigger, I still would.
The last time I woke up though, she was curled up against my back. Her small hand was lying on my side.
I almost laughed. It couldn't get any more ridiculous.
I tried to extract myself quietly, without waking her, much like I did with Ginny the night I realised how I felt about Hermione. Except this time I wasn't desperate to get away, I was forcing myself to move before I did something I'd regret.
Because I would wouldn't I? I mean, both of us would -regret it. Our friendship would never recover.
But hell it wasn't easy - especially when at my first movement the hand she had on my ribs moved unconsciously to my stomach. I actually turned to look at her then, to check she wasn't awake. But her eyes were closed and her breathing still even. Her face was so relaxed and her lips slightly parted.
I was dying to kiss her.
But I can't be thinking like that. I got out of bed and had the proverbial cold shower.
Maybe I should actually go on a date with Natalie from Kingsley's office. Anything to get me thinking right again.
Anything's worth a shot.
So that's why I invited her tonight.
She's fitting in quite well actually. I look around the room. Typical really, what started out as quiet Friday night drinks has turned into an impromptu party. I can tell Dean is trashed because he's playing all his cheesy muggle music that Ron moans about all night and that I secretly like. Natalie's muggle born so she doesn't seem to mind, we even share a laugh at some of the tracks he comes up with. She puts a hand on my arm and flashes me a smile. She has a nice smile.
Hermione comes in finally, she had to work late. I try to pretend I haven't noticed her enter the room.
She's wearing a black singlet and her hair up in a pony tail.
When she comes around to me I introduce her to Natalie and she barely flinches. Though because I know her, I can tell she's curious. She manages to wait a whole hour before she hits me up.
I'm sitting on the arm of the couch with a beer in my hand. She falls down into the couch beside me and puts her hand on my thigh.
"So - Natalie is it? She's nice."
"Mmm."
"Very pretty."
I nod. In fact she's not as pretty as you. I laugh to myself to think that that's one compliment she wouldn't be expecting.
"Well...I'm happy for you Harry. You know...you know I don't mind right?"
I search her face then, wondering what exactly she means. Is she trying to kill me? Slowly at that.
"Why would you mind?"
She looks flustered then and I congratulate myself on it - especially because she takes her hand off my thigh to play with her hair.
"No, I mean, of course I wouldn't it's just...well..."
I take another drink, not looking at her.
"...that you haven't told us and so I thought you might...I don't know...think I was angry at you. But really, I understand that you don't need to talk to me anymore. About ...that kind of stuff."
I glance down at her despite myself and she looks kinda sad. I nudge her with my elbow.
"Hey."
She looks up with a shaky smile.
"I'll always wanna talk to you. I'll always be your friend."
She jumps up and tackles me with one of her flying hugs and I smile, breathing in her hair. I pull the hair out of my mouth and keep my hand on her back, looking up I see Natalie watching us curiously from across the room.
Hermione pulls back to look at me then grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek in such a platonic way that I feel ridiculously depressed for a moment.
I lose my appetite for...well , everything that night. It takes forever to say goodbye to Natalie and I can tell she's waiting for me to invite her to stay. God knows what's wrong with me but I don't. I don't even want to go out with everyone when they catch a cab to town. Hermione tries to talk me into it but I brush her off, feigning a headache. She looks disappointed but she accepts it and hugs me roughly before she's off out of the door with Luna.
I fall into bed and try to go to sleep.
Only to be woken up by her straddling me.
I'm on my side and she has one leg either side of my hip. She's leaning down and whispering loudly in my ear.
"Harry, you gotta see this. C'mon wake up...it's so funny."
"What time is it?" I squint at the clock and it reads a blurry 4.30am.
"I don't know. But come - Seamus is dancing with Dean and..."
"Get off Hermione. Seriously."
I roll onto my back to push her off but it's worse because she falls on me then, our bodies in line now. And she's giggling.
"Hermione, don't."
She just keeps laughing, her face buried in my neck and I'm getting desperate now. I grab both her upper arms and push her up so I can see her face.
"Don't. Don't do that."
She's still grinning and I'm too aware of how close her face is to mine. She finally answers me.
"Why?"
In one motion I turn her on to her back and kiss her. With all the frustration I've been harbouring over the last few months, I kiss her, my hand under the back of her neck, my body pressing into hers. I think she responded. I can't remember. I just couldn't stand it anymore.
I stop and look down into her face.
"That's why. Okay? That's why."
Her eyes are wide and shocked and I push up out of the bed, bending to pull my jeans on and to get a shirt off the floor. When I look back, she's still in exactly the same position but her hand has come up to her face and her fingers are resting lightly on her lips.
I give her one final glance and pull on my t shirt as I stride out, ignoring the boys who call out to me when they see me pass. I grab my jacket from the hook in the entrance way and yank open the front door, apparating straight to work from the hallway.
The clock in my office says 4.40am.
It's going to be a long day.