A/N - ah well, the last chapter not as popular as the others. I think this will be even less so! This story is only eight chapters long so we're getting there. Oh, and I guess I should warn that our favourite partnerships aren't quite there yet…
Chapter 5
Things with Ginny weren't going particularly well. She had been annoyed with him when she found out he had spent time with Ron before seeing her, then kept dropping hints at what she wanted him to get her for Christmas. She then had proceeded to tell him all what was going on at Hogwarts - it took all of Harry's resolve not to just walk away.
By the time Christmas Eve arrived, he wasn't in the best of moods and Hermione's 'betrayal' of having a boyfriend was one of the main reasons for that. He had been determined to have a terrible time at the present exchange, but instead found himself having a blast. The three of them together for the first time in over six months overshadowed everything else as they remembered their many adventures over a meal and drinks. Harry found himself laughing and forgetting that the three friends were now fractured apart.
Christmas Day saw Harry at Godric's Hollow and visiting his parents' graves. He had been placing a bunch of flowers at his mother's headstone when Hermione appeared at his side. He had mentioned to his friends his intentions the day before but didn't expect either of them to leave their family Christmas's to join him. Hermione's appearance surprised him, but he was grateful. She didn't say anything, just held his hand as he stood and thought of his mum and dad. When he was ready to leave, she gave him a small smile, a peck on the cheek and then disappeared.
He stood there for a moment and let himself fully comprehend what had just taken place. Out of all his friends (he had told Ginny as well), it had been Hermione who alone understood how difficult coming to the graveyard was for him. Sighing, he once more realised just how well she knew him.
The rest of his Christmas was spent at the Burrow in the madness that was the Weasley family. Harry couldn't help but join in with the Christmas spirit, especially with Mrs Tonks and Teddy being there plus Bill and Fleur and their little baby. Exhausted but happy, he lay in his bed that night with a huge grin on his face.
His dreams were once more of his future and this time Ginny was back as his wife, his children were a mixture of her and him while Hermione and Ron had their own families - Hermione's husband faceless but had black hair while Ron's wife was elusive. He woke feeling contented and satisfied.
The feeling lasted all of the morning, until Ginny found out that Hermione had met him at Godric's Hollow, and that Harry had tracked Hermione down on his first day out of training. He had told Ginny about Godric's Hollow by accident - the argument that followed brought out the information of the earlier meeting. She then made the mistake of giving Harry an ultimatum, that he had to choose between Hermione and her. Even though things with Hermione were strained, Harry didn't think twice about choosing his best friend over his girlfriend.
Ginny wasn't pleased and after further heated discussion, told Harry that she no longer wanted to be with him. He left the Burrow with mixed emotions; anger that she actually made him choose, relief that it was over and a tiny bit of sadness that his relationship had ended so close to Christmas
New Year's Eve arrived with a mounting sense of excitement. Those from Hogwarts were meeting at Grimmauld Place before joining Hermione and her friends at a street party in one of the suburbs of London around nine.
Harry was having fun, more fun than he thought he would. Everyone seemed so much more relaxed than when in school and all thoughts of Ginny were easily forgotten. When, at nine, they made their way to where they were to meet Hermione, it seemed nothing could dampen his mood.
He spotted Hermione and Dan the moment they arrived at the street party, Ron giving him a small nudge as he too, saw their friend.
"That's Hermione's boyfriend?" Dean asked, rather surprised.
"Yeah," Harry answered.
"Dan something," Ron added.
"My, he looks like you, Harry," Luna said from Ron's side - Ron and Harry both turned to the blond at the same time.
"What?" Ron spluttered.
"No he doesn't!" Harry said, overlapping Ron. Dean, Seamus and Neville all chuckled.
"You know something," Ron continued, after a moment of observing Hermione and her boyfriend, "you're right. That's just…"
"Weird," Neville finished for him.
"He doesn't look anything like me," Harry continued to argue, frowning, "I mean, look at him! He's way skinnier…"
"Actually, he's rather buff," Lavender noted as she joined the group.
"…and he's really pale…"
"Which is not like you at all, Harry," Seamus laughed.
"…plus his eyes are blue and he doesn't wear glasses!"
"You've got a point there, mate," Ron admitted with a nod.
"But chuck a pair of wire rims on him, and, well…" Dean added.
"And what, Thomas?" Harry spat, glaring at Dean, "that bloke looks nothing like me!"
"Okay, okay!" Dean conceded, holding his hands up in defeat, "you two look nothing alike! Bloody hell, Harry!"
"Well, I still think…" Luna started but was cut off by a quick "give it a rest" from Ron. Harry didn't say anything, but kept his eye on Hermione and Dan, who were laughing away with some of their friends. She looked happy, really happy, which made Harry feel quite lonely.
Soon, their group melted away leaving only Harry, Ron and Neville standing together, nursing their drinks. It was a little while before Hermione noticed them and came over to say hi. She introduced Dan to Neville and soon they were all talking about this and that like they were old friends. Harry had to begrudgingly admit that Dan was a pleasant chap and seemed to genuinely care for Hermione. For some reason, this knowledge grated him.
The night progressed with a group of girls introducing themselves to the three young men, both Ron and Neville enjoying the attention. Harry found Alex, the young blond who was flirting with him, quite alluring but his attention kept being drawn to Hermione and Dan.
It was around eleven o'clock when he saw that Hermione was finally alone. Excusing himself from Alex, he went straight to Hermione.
"Hey," he greeted, grabbing her attention.
"Harry!" she cried, giving him a hug, "how's it going? Are you having fun?"
"Yeah, this is good," he told her casually, "haven't seen too much of you though."
"Well, no, sorry about that," she said seriously, "I guess Dan's taken up a bit of time. Not that you should worry though - I saw you talking to Alex!"
"She's a friend of yours?"
"Yep, she's in my British Politics class," Hermione smiled which melted quickly away to a sombre expression, "I heard about you and Ginny," she said, "I'm so sorry Harry. I really thought you two would be the ones to work out."
"It's not often you're wrong."
"I wish I hadn't been wrong about Ginny though," Hermione carried on, "she made you happy."
"Yeah, she did," Harry admitted, looking at his feet, feeling an unexpected wave of sadness. Taking a deep breath, he remembered why he had come over to talk to her.
"You and Dan seem to be getting on well," he said with a touch of bitterness.
"Dan's lovely," she replied, her brow creasing slightly at his tone, "I have fun with him."
"Like you had fun with me?"
"What do you mean by that, Harry?"
"It's just that, a couple of months ago you were telling me you…you," he glanced around him to see who could hear him. No-one he knew was near, but to make sure, he grabbed her elbow and pulled her further away, "you were with me," he whispered angrily, "I just wonder if you actually meant what you said to me. You seemed to have moved on pretty quickly."
"Pardon me?"
"You heard me," Harry snarled, "you and Dan are all over each other. You told me…you told me that I was it…"
"And you turned me down!" she hissed, her anger growing.
"So you just go off and pull the first bloke that comes along…"
"How dare you, Harry Potter," she whispered furiously before subtlety cast a few well used privacy spells, "I told you how I felt about you, which I realise now was a huge mistake, but I thought you would just forget it and move on. How wrong was I…"
"That has nothing to do with this…"
"It has everything to do with this!" she cried, "do you know how difficult it's been for me to get over you? Do you have any idea of what I've gone through just so I don't dream about you every night, wanting you with me, touching me? When Dan starting asking me out, I kept telling him no, telling him that I was in love with someone else and I could never give him what he deserved. I turned him down again and again, remembering you and what we had. Even though I knew I'd never have you, you were holding me back.
"When you didn't answer my letters, or even just ask me how I was doing, I had enough. I had to move on, Harry, have a life without you in it."
"I thought we were friends…"
"You're not behaving like a friend. A friend would be happy for me, like I was for you and Ginny."
"She broke up with me because of you," Harry snipped, "did Ron tell you that?"
"She…she what?" Hermione stuttered, "why?"
"She wanted me to choose between you and her. I chose you."
Hermione stared at him in shock and he revelled in it. He was getting some sort of perverse pleasure about upsetting her and part of him knew it was because she was happy without him and he didn't like it.
"I…I didn't know that," she breathed.
"I don't know why though," he shrugged, catching her gaze, "especially when you're off shagging a Harry Potter look-alike. Bad form, Hermione."
"You. Bastard," she spat, her eyes brimming with tears, "how could you?"
"More to the point, how could you?"
She didn't reply, and instead walked right up to him, stopping inches away and glared into his face, her tears starting to fall.
"For your information," she told him low and controlled, "I haven't slept with Daniel, because my time with you was special to me and I didn't want to spoil it. But now, now there's nothing holding me back. For the first time since I've known you, I don't like you Harry. Happy New Year."
With that, she rushed past him, knocking him with her shoulder. He watched her go and all the anger, all the joy he felt at her pain went with her. In its place was guilt. He had hurt the one person that loved him, that had stayed by his side through thick and thin, the one person in his life that didn't deserve it.
He had ruined the best relationship he ever had.
"Harry?" He turned to see Alex come up behind him, snaking her arms around his waist, "is everything alright?"
Harry nodded absently, closing his eyes when he felt soft lips on his neck. Turning around, he faced Alex and noticed just how attractive she was, especially now as she smiled up at him. Suddenly, her blue eyes became the deepest brown, a bridge of freckles crossed her nose and the straight blond hair started to turn into a familiar mess of brown curls. His mind was playing tricks on him, but he didn't care - he just wanted to forget. Dipping his head to her, he kissed her and all rational thought disappeared.
"I was hoping you'd do that," Alex purred in his ear, "I could make all your New Year dreams come true, Harry. Get rid of that tension for you."
"I can't give you a relationship…"
"I don't want a relationship," she told him as she nibbled on his earlobe, "all I want is you."
Breathing deeply, he scanned the crowd for a familiar face. He saw no-one he knew until he spotted Hermione and Dan in deep conversation at the other side of the square. Hardening his heart, he looked back down at the woman in his arms.
"Well, you have me then," he smirked, then kissed her once more.
The following morning he woke up in a strange bedroom, in a strange bed and the knowledge that he had had sex with a woman he didn't really know and had no intention of knowing. He looked to his side at Alex, still sleeping soundly, the sheet just exposing the top of her breast.
He felt nothing. Nothing but guilt.
Laying back and staring at the ceiling, he thought about what had happened the previous night, how he had been so cruel to Hermione and then turned to a stranger for relief. He felt terrible and the need to get out of where he was became overwhelming. As quickly and quietly as he could, he began to gather his clothes and put them on. He had got to his socks before he heard Alex stir.
"You leaving?" she asked sleepily.
"Yeah," he answered, looking over his shoulder at her, her blue eyes looking back intently. With an embarrassed blush, he went back to putting his socks and shoes on.
"I had fun," she yawned, "you really are quite skilled."
Harry said nothing as he started on his other foot.
"Here, take this," she continued, and Harry stood, fully clothed, turning to her. She was sitting upright, the sheet pooled at her hips exposing her breasts with unabashed abandon. She was writing on a card she had fished out of her bag, which had been discarded by the side of the bed, and finished, she handed it to him, "here's my number and address. If you ever feel the need for some no strings attached shagging, give me a call. If I'm still single and got nothing on, we may be able to satisfy both our needs."
He took the card with a sense of repulsion - but he took it none the less.
"Thanks," he mumbled, not sure what he should do.
"Bye Harry," Alex smiled then lay back down, pulling the sheet over her body and closing her eyes, dismissing Harry without a care. Not needing to be told twice, he left the room and with a thought, left the house.
As soon as he got to Grimmauld Place, he stripped off his clothes and stepped under a hot shower, wanting to get all traces of his one night stand off of him. It was half an hour later when he made his way to the kitchen to get something to eat.
Kreacher started fussing about him, making his meal, while Harry just sat at the table, head in his hands as he continued to kick himself for what he did the night before.
"Harry?"
Harry looked up at the Floo and saw Ron's head floating there.
"Hey Ron," he sighed, "come on over."
"Where did you bugger off to?" Ron asked as soon as he stepped into the kitchen, "I saw you go off with Hermione and then you just seemed to disappear…"
"Yeah, well," Harry started, but then noticed the look of concern on his friend's face, "is everything alright, Ron?" he asked.
"Actually, can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure," Harry replied, slightly concerned - Ron looked very serious.
"Last night I…er," Ron stammered, blushing terribly, "that's to say, we um…"
"We?"
"Yeah, Lavender and I…"
"You and Lavender? Lavender Brown? Your ex-girlfriend, Lavender Brown?"
"Yeah," Ron sighed heavily, "we kinda got back together."
"Really?"
"Yeah," he continued, "I mean, it was New Year's Eve and we'd both drunk a bit and when everyone scarpered, we kinda just, well, we started snogging and then…"
"There's more?"
"Yeah," Ron blushed, "we ended up at her place, her parents were out at a party, and we…well, you know."
"You shagged Lavender Brown?" Harry gasped, not hiding the shock from his voice.
"Yeah," Ron admitted, his shoulders sagging, "it just seemed to kinda…happen. I mean, it's not like it was the first time…"
"You've had sex with her before?" Harry cried, forgetting his breakfast totally.
"At Hogwarts," Ron nodded, glancing briefly at Harry before returning his gaze to his clasped hands on the table.
"You never told me!"
"It was when Hermione and I were going through our…thing," Ron explained, his blush deepening, "and you and her were still friends. Besides, it's weird talking to you about this stuff…"
"Why?" Harry asked, frowning, "we're best friends!"
"And you really tell me all about your love life," Ron humphed, "not that I wanted to hear, especially since you were dating my sister."
"Nothing happened like that between me and Ginny…"
"It's none of my business," Ron interrupted sharply, "I don't want to know."
"Right," Harry conceded, then changed the subject, "so, what's wrong with getting back together with Lavender?"
"Well, it was a bit of a nightmare the first time," Ron sighed, "and I don't really know if I want to go through it all again."
"But you slept with her!"
"I know," Ron sighed again, "and she was right keen to carry things on when we woke this morning. Perhaps I should. I mean, now that Hermione's not in the picture, it might actually work with Lavender."
"I guess you kinda owe it to her," Harry suggested, knowing how hypocritical he was being. He had no desire to contact Alex at all yet he had done the same thing as Ron.
"I guess," Ron agreed, lost in thought, then sighed once more, "I suppose I should go. Haven't been home yet."
"Right," Harry stated succinctly and watched as Ron didn't move but just sat there, thinking. It was a few moments later when Ron pulled himself out of the chair and tiredly left Grimmauld Place. Harry let out a sigh of relief that his own escapades weren't discussed and with a heavy heart, began eating his breakfast.
Two days later, he was back at training, once more isolated from his friends. He had spent the remainder of his holiday with Ron, when he wasn't working at the shop, and moping around London. Now back into the relative safety of the Auror Training College, he worked hard on forgetting.
He was doing quite well, until one night Neville asked him a question.
"So, what were you and Hermione fighting about New Year's Eve?" he asked casually as he slumped down onto his bunk after a hard day's combat practice. Harry's heart started beating wildly immediately.
"When?" he asked back, trying to pretend he didn't know what Neville was talking about.
"Just before you went off with that Alex girl," Neville continued as if they were talking about the weather, "it looked quite heated. Hermione was pretty upset afterwards."
Harry couldn't look at Neville as he tried to work out what he was going to do. Part of him wanted to say that it was nothing, it had nothing to do with Neville and he should just back off. But another part of him needed to talk to someone about everything that was going on with him. He couldn't talk to Ron and now he had lost Hermione as well.
He needed to tell someone.
Taking a deep breath, he began to explain everything to Neville, from the moment he woke up from his dream of a family and happiness, to Hermione's confession, to their night together and ending it with his one night stand with Alex. Neville listened intently, saying nothing until Harry had told all. Even then, there was silence for a moment as Neville took it all in. Harry just waited, feeling better for actually getting it all off his chest. But he was interested in what his friend was going to say.
"I thought it was something big," Neville said finally, Harry just nodded, "you know, you're really being a prize git, Harry."
"What?"
"You. You're a git," Neville confirmed, looking up at Harry with a hardness that was so foreign on the friendly features, "you've got your best friend, the person that knows you better than anyone, the person that has been there for practically every major event in your life, telling you that she loves you and you go off and shag someone else? Not only that, you expect her to sit around waiting for you even though you've made it quite obvious to her that you don't want her."
"I don't expect her to wait…"
"Right," Neville sneered, "so what's all this rubbish with you and Dan. I spoke to him, he seems nice enough yet he isn't good enough for Hermione? Why's that, Harry? Why is alright for you to have a relationship yet she can't? Why does her best friend belittle the new man in her life, treat him like an idiot?"
"How do you know he's alright?" Harry shot back, "you met him, what, all of ten minutes - how do you know he's not a tosser?"
"How do you know he is?" Neville replied, "the thing is, I trust Hermione and I trust her judgement. If she says this Dan Carter bloke is alright, then I believe her - more to say about you."
"It's just that," Harry started, running a hand anxiously through his hair, "I thought… I thought I was important to her but she's replaced me already. It hurt…"
"So you wanted her to hurt," Neville finished for him, "Harry, you'll always be important to Hermione, always."
"It doesn't matter now anyway," Harry continued, slumping down on his bunk, "she hates me. I hate me. I really am a bastard."
"She doesn't hate you."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know her," Neville hissed at Harry, getting up and standing over him, "and I thought you did too! Bloody hell, Harry, she's been your best friend for years! Do you really think she'll just walk away from you! She should, but she won't because for some stupid reason, she loves you! She'd give up her life for you if you ask her and you're treating her like some insignificant slag you picked up in a pub! What's the matter with you?"
"I don't know," Harry admitted wearily, accepting Neville's accusations without argument, "how do I fix this, Nev?"
"Apologise to her," Neville answered immediately, "explain why you did what you did. Accept Dan and just be the best friend that you've always been."
"It's different now…"
"Why? Because you slept together? Because she loves you? Harry, she's always loved you and always will. You got on fine when you didn't know, you need to get past it."
"How? How can I forget about the first time someone told me that they love me?"
"No-one's ever told you that before?"
"No."
"Not even Dumbledore? Or Sirius?"
"No. I kinda knew that they did, and they said they cared. But Hermione's the first…" Harry's voice faulted as the truth about what was eating him struck him. Closing his eyes, he tried to force away the tears that threatened - he was not going to cry in front of Neville.
"Harry," Neville carried on, sitting next to Harry on his bunk, "heaps of people love you, you know that, don't you."
"I guess," he answered quietly, "but she's the only one who's actually told me. I have no idea what love is. I thought I loved Ginny, but I didn't. And when Hermione told me, well, it knocked me for six. I'm so messed up, I don't know what to think or do or feel. And we're stuck in this bloody training camp without a chance to think about anything but being a bloody Auror and I'm sick of it.
"New Years Eve, everything came to a head. Ginny had dumped me, Hermione was blissfully happy with a bloke that seems to have a striking resemblance to me and here was I - Harry bloody Potter - alone again, with the one person who said that they loved me obviously loving someone else."
"She doesn't love Dan, Harry."
"Maybe she should," he mumbled, "she'd be better off with him. I'd cause her nothing but grief."
"Is that what you were trying to do?" Neville asked just as quietly, "were you trying to make Hermione hate you so she would move on?"
"Sounds very noble doesn't it?"
"You do have noble written all over you Harry," Neville smiled slightly.
"I don't know," Harry sighed, "if I did, it wasn't a conscious thing. All I wanted to do was stop her being so bloody happy."
"Well, I can say you were successful there."
"Thanks."
"Look, I can't say I'm any expert on relationships and girls," Neville continued, "but I'm a good listener. And it's just you and me for the next six months so if you ever need to talk, I'm here. You need to sort yourself out Harry, you need to work out what you want…"
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is - do you want Hermione as more than just a friend, are you willing to give her a chance? Or will you let her go fully so she can live her life and you can live yours? Because at the moment neither of you have let go."
"When did you get so smart?" Harry asked after a moment of thought, "and you seem to know Hermione very well, Longbottom."
"She was the first person who saw me as more than a podgy idiot," Neville answered softly, "she helped me when no-one else even knew I existed. Hermione is a very special person and she will always hold an important place in my heart."
"Wow," Harry frowned, "do you…do you love her, then?"
"Maybe once," Neville admitted with a shrug, "but I knew it was only one sided and she would never see me as anything than her friend. Her heart was already taken by you. I've moved on - but that doesn't mean she doesn't mean anything to me, because she does. And I won't let you continue to hurt her."
"You're a good friend, Nev," Harry gave a slight smile, "to her and to me. And I promise I won't intentionally hurt her again."
"Good, because I would hate to try and beat you to a bloody pulp, you being the saviour of the wizarding world and everything."
"True," Harry chuckled, giving Neville a hearty whack on the back as his roommate went back to his bunk, "thanks Neville. For listening."
"That's okay," he told Harry as he turned out the light, "but I meant every word, Harry. You need to make a choice, you need to apologise to Hermione and you need to stop hurting her like you did."
Harry nodded in the dark as he tried to think about what had just taken place. The facts were whirling through his brain, only to be snuffled out by the exhaustion from his long day of training. As his eyes grew heavy he had at least made one decision. He would owl Hermione in the morning pleading for her forgiveness. He wasn't sure he'd get it, but he had to try.
There was too much to lose.
A/N 2 - so, what do you think? Do you hate Harry? At least Ginny's out of the picture now…Oh, and I had to put the Ron/Lavender thing in there 'cause I just thought it was funny how JKR never got the boys discussing girls or sex or stuff like that. They lived in a dorm and sure, there was other things going on but they never, ever once discussed girls. I liked the idea of Ron being more experienced since he always came second in everything else…