Potters World
The Big Ugly Worm
****
Hermione Potter was fluttering around the kitchen trying to make breakfast, a task that was proving rather difficult that particular morning. She was holding a phone to her ear which was carrying her mother's voice, a voice that hadn't stopped for the past five minutes.
"Mother," Hermione said finally able to get a word in. "I haven't even had the chance to talk to him about it yet."
Hermione rolled her eyes as she listened to he mother some more.
"You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about," Hermione said, desperately wishing for something to happen so that she could get off the phone. " I've merely mentioned the subject and already you've got your hopes up far too much. Its a possibility that's all."
Hermione was about to say more when she heard a child's scream echo through the house.
"Mother, I have to go I'll call you back later." Hermione hung up the phone and slammed it to the kitchen counter. Just as she was about to go and investigate what happened, Charlotte Potter ran full speed into the kitchen and clung to her mother tightly.
Hermione quickly dropped to her daughter's height. "Charlotte, what's wrong darling?" she asked worried.
"Daddy's got a big ugly worm coming out of his body!" Charlotte told her sounding absolutely petrified.
"Daddy's what?" Hermione asked beyond confused.
Before her daughter could answer the question more clearly, Harry appeared in the kitchen wearing nothing but a towel and water dripping down his body. "Is she ok?" he asked concerned.
Charlotte heard her father's voice and whipped her head round to look at him, she squealed again and latched her arms round her mother's neck. Hermione took her daughter into her arms and lifted her up. "Shh, everything's fine," she said in a soothing voice. "What happened?" she asked looking over at Harry.
Harry ran a hand through his wet hair. "She….saw me getting out of the shower." he replied embarrassed.
Hermione glimpsed down quickly and looked at her husbands crotch. "Ah." She turned her attention towards her daughter. "Charlotte, baby everything's fine."
Charlotte slowly turned to look at her father once more, she still didn't look convinced. "Mummy, I saw it! I'm not lying I promise," she said upset.
"Darling, we know that you saw something but daddy and I can promise you here and now, it's not a worm," Hermione said with a smile.
"Then what is it?" Charlotte asked feeling a little better.
Harry and Hermione looked each other both wondering what to do.
"I think you and I need to go and have a little talk," Hermione said to their daughter.
Harry raised his eyebrows a little shocked. "Hermione, not at this age. Surely you're not going to---"
"Harry, relax," Hermione cut her husband off. "All I'm going to do is explain why boys and girls are different."
Harry nodded relieved. He knew their daughter was far too curious for her own good sometimes, a gene that had to have been passed from Hermione. It was all well and good explaining the differences between boys and girls, but he knew Charlotte would then proceed to ask how them things, well, worked. Harry doted on his little girl but didn't think he would be able to handle those kind of questions, he thought it would be at least a few years before he'd even have to think about having to approach such a topic. He glanced at his wife, Hermione Potter. The incredibly smart, Hermione Potter. Maybe he should have expected it sooner rather than later after all.
"Charlotte and I, are going into the living room for a little chat," Hermione said taking her daughter's hand. "And daddy here, is going to get dressed and finish making breakfast. Sound like a plan?" Charlotte smiled and nodded while Harry crossed his arms and smirked. Hermione began leading Charlotte out of the kitchen, stopping to briefly whisper something in her husband's ear as she passed him. "You're gorgeous when you're wet."
"So are you," he replied quietly so Charlotte wouldn't hear. "Not bad when you're wet from the shower either."
Hermione raised her eyebrows. "I'd be careful before your worm becomes aggressive," she said with a smile, before proceeding to the living room, Harry paying particular attention to his wife's bottom as she walked out of the kitchen with their angel in tow.
****
Kingsley Shacklebolt paced around his office at the ministry with his hands behind his back. The minister of magic was in deep thought after being made aware of news that was of huge importance. In the room with him watching his every move, was Remus Lupin, Tonks, and Dean Thomas. Finally Kingsley stopped pacing and spoke to the three of them.
"Where were they last sighted?" he asked in his trademark deep voice.
"Kazakhstan," Dean answered immediately. "We suspect they knew they were being followed when we got wind of their location and knew that they were in Libya."
"All the romantic getaway spots then," Kingsley stated sarcastically. "What did Harry think of it when he was told of this?" At this question the other three looked at each other guiltily, Kingsley knowing their looks all to well. Rolling his eyes he threw his head back briefly. "He's going to go berserk."
"You know how Harry, is Kingsley," Remus said. "He's not going to look at this logically. Not because of the case's nature, but because of who is involved."
"You doubt his ability to keep things professional?" Kingsley asked. He didn't ask Remus the question to attack him, he was concerned that if true, it could jeopardise the outcome of the case overall.
"Of course not," Remus answered. "Harry is head Auror for a very good reason. He is exceptional at what he does and leads by example."
"Go on," Kingsley encouraged him.
"Its just that when 'he' is involved, Harry shuts away all rationalism that he has and is completely overcome with emotions that don't provide him with level headed thinking," Remus explained.
Kingsley nodded, he'd soon proof of that said behaviour in the past. "Does anything else concern you?"
Remus looked across at Tonks and Dean for encouragement. Both nodded in support giving Remus, the confidence he needed to continue. "Kingsley, when Harry is consumed in such a way, it tends to disrupt his personal life profoundly."
"Hermione, and little Charlotte," Kingsley guessed easily.
Remus nodded. "He is happier than I've ever seen him right now and the second he finds out about this I'm afraid that he will go back to thinking that he can't enjoy life, until he knows he's protected his family from 'him'."
"Harry, has a history of pushing away those closest to him when danger is on the horizon," Dean added supportively.
"So effectively, we're trying to prevent a divorce as well as Harry's sanity," Tonks spoke up.
Kingsley took a deep breath and looked pensive for a while. "Harry, is head of the Auror Department. You are asking me to keep secret a case that is the biggest we've had to deal with since we closed the one on Voldermort."
The three aurors nodded.
Kingsley sat down at his desk and leant forward towards his aurors. "He can't be kept in the dark about this forever, but if Harry finds out that we've kept this from him, whatever the repercussions I find myself confronted with, you mother fuckers are facing with me. Understood?"
Remus, Tonks, and Dean all nodded. They were willing to accept those terms if it meant Harry and Hermione's happiness could last just that little bit longer.
****
Harry placed three breakfasts on the table, then looked at his watch. Surely Hermione and Charlotte had had their little chat by now, it had been half an hour. He sat down and began tucking into his breakfast when he saw his wife and child finally enter the kitchen to join him. Hermione gave him a peck on the lips and took a seat beside him, his daughter taking the seat directly opposite. Harry was known for his paranoia but he would swear his life that his little girl was for some reason, looking at him strangely.
"Harry, this looks great," Hermione commented before tucking into her food.
"Well, you did the hard part darling," Harry told her, not once breaking eye contact with Charlotte. "I just put it out."
Hermione carried on eating unaware of the staring game her husband and daughter were currently playing. Charlotte finally broke eye contact with her father and turned her head towards her mother. "Mummy?"
"Mmmm," Hermione acknowledged still eating
"I'm just going to the bathroom," Charlotte said rising from her chair.
Hermione swallowed the last piece of food she had in her mouth. "Ok, but don't forget to wash your hands."
Charlotte nodded and left the kitchen, her father waiting for her to be out of earshot before looking at his wife incredulously. It took a few moments for Hermione to feel his eyes on her. "What?" she asked innocently.
"What the hell did you tell her?" he asked quickly.
"Excuse me?" Hermione asked, wondering what he was so worried about.
"You said that you were going to tell her why boys and girls are different," Harry reminded her.
"Which I did."
"Then why is she looking at me funny?" Harry asked.
Hermione couldn't help but laugh at her husbands behaviour. "Are you out of your mind? She's not doing anything of a sort."
"You mean to tell me that you didn't see that?" he asked, pointing to where Charlotte was sat a few moments ago.
"You're being para--," Hermione stopped herself just in time, she knew how being accused of being paranoid got Harry's back up. His paranoia was usually proved to be justified, but he still hated that word. "You're worrying about nothing, trust me."
"Ok, so then what did you tell her?" he asked curiously.
"She wanted to know what she saw," Hermione told him truthfully.
"And you told her that she saw…what?" Harry asked, wanting her to finish his sentence.
"Your penis," Hermione said simply.
Harry scrunched his face up. "What, that took half an hour?"
Hermione smiled. "No, but your daughter is very curious about things, you should know that by now."
"What things?" Harry asked with narrowed eyes.
Hermione giggled before she could answer. "She wanted to know why you had one and she and I didn't."
"Do I want to know how you answered that one?"
"Relax Harry," Hermione rubbed her husbands shoulder. "I told her we simply didn't need one."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "Well I guess that's something."
Hermione smiled. "But then she asked why you needed one."
The short lived relief vanished from Harry's body. "Please tell me you didn't?"
"What choice did I have?" Hermione asked in her defence.
"You tell her that it's just something males have so that people can tell the difference between boys and girls!"
Hermione was now beginning to get a little fed up. "So you want me to not only lie to our daughter, but insult her intelligence too?"
"Her intelligence?" Harry repeated in disbelief. "Hermione, she's five years old! She doesn't need to know what my penis does!"
"You know what Harry, GROW UP!" Hermione got up from her chair, threw her napkin on the table and stormed out of the kitchen leaving a gob smacked Harry behind.
Charlotte reappeared in the kitchen not long after and sat back down at the table, totally oblivious to what had just happened between her parents. "Where's mummy?"
"She's a bit angry with daddy at the moment," Harry told her.
"Why?"
Harry couldn't think of anything else to say but the honest truth. "Because I'm stupid." His reply made Charlotte giggle. "Finish your breakfast, sweetie."
Charlotte picked up her fork and started to eat. After a while she decided to ask another question. "Daddy?"
"Yes," Harry smiled.
"You know how you and mummy said that I could get a hamster if I wanted one?"
"Yes," Harry said narrowing his eyes.
"Can I get one and call it 'Scrotum'?" Charlotte asked innocently.
Harry closed his eyes in horror and bowed his head.
****
"How long will you be?" Luna asked her husband, while feeding their daughter Ashlee, in her high chair.
"I won't be too long," Ron said putting on his coat. "I've just got to talk to Harry, about something that's all."
"Ok," Luna said, giving Ashlee another spoonful of baby food. "Don't forget to confirm dinner for Wednesday night."
"Got it," Ron said grabbing some floo powder from a nearby shelf. "Anything you need while I'm out?"
"Not that I can think of."
"Well, if you think of anything just, wait for me to come back and I'll go back out and get it," he said with a smile. "I'll see you two in a bit."
He was just about to step into the fireplace before Luna, stopped him. "Ron?"
"Yeah."
Luna placed the food on the high chair and approached him. "Listen, I'm sorry about…last night."
Ron gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't be."
"I just feel so…unattractive…at the moment," Luna said sadly.
Ron had no idea what to say or to do for that matter. What happened last night was the reason he was going to see Harry, though he hadn't told Luna that.
He placed a soft kiss upon her lips. "I love you, it's fine." He gave her one last smile and stepped into the fireplace. "Potter mansion." he said firmly.
Luna watched as the green flames made her husband disappear, an unconvincing look appearing on her face. She didn't doubt the love Ron held for her, but this morning when she had tried to discuss the events of what happened between them last night, he had brushed her off. All she wanted to do was try and get him to understand how she felt, and that was something that was proving to be rather difficult.
****
Harry, was in the middle of teaching Charlotte, the spell she would need in the future to clear the table, should she ever become as lazy as her father. Kneeling behind her and using his own hands to control her wand movements, he asked her to repeat the words, 'Wingardium Leviosa,' after him.
"Ok, baby," Harry said to his daughter. "Just point it to the object you want to move, and say, Wingardium Leviosa."
Charlotte repeated the spell with her father using his wand, and smiled brightly when the plate she'd eaten her breakfast on rose from the table. "Wow. I can't wait to go to Hogwarts."
Harry smiled as he watched the plate reach the sink, then hugged his daughter tightly to him. "You're not going anywhere for at least another six years young lady."
Charlotte turned in her father's arms and hugged him back just as tight. Harry lifted her up and swayed her dramatically in the air before kissing her forehead. "Love ya."
"Love ya too, daddy."
The fireplace in next room roared, and Charlotte wiggled in Harry's arms wanting to get down so she could go see who had just arrived. As soon as her feet touched the ground she was away, followed by Harry. When they entered the next room they found Ron, dusting himself off.
"Uncle Ron!" Charlotte cried happily, lunging herself into the redhead's arms.
Ron swung her around in the air. "Hey pumpkin. Wow you're getting bigger every time I see you."
"I've grown a whole centimetre this week," Charlotte announced happily.
Ron laughed and put her back down on the floor, kissing her head before approaching Harry.
"Hi, mate," Ron said giving his best friend a hug.
"Wasn't expecting you today," Harry said patting him on the back.
"Well, I needed to talk to someone, you got time for a chat?"
"I have if you can just watch Charlotte for a few minutes," Harry told him. He needed to go find Hermione, and find out why she was upset earlier.
"Trouble in paradise?" Ron asked recognizing his friends look.
"You could say that."
"Yeah, sure no worries." Ron tapped his friends arm. "Go do what it is you need to do."
"Thanks," Harry said gratefully. "I won't be long, then you can have all the time you need."
Harry left Ron and Charlotte, in the living room watching television, while he went upstairs to his and Hermione's bedroom. He knocked on the door and waited for a reply, he never got one. That could only mean one thing, she was really pissed. Taking a deep breath, he entered and found Hermione sorting ironed clothing into individual piles on their bed. He shut the door behind him and leant back against it, worried when she didn't even acknowledge his presence.
"Are you not speaking to me at all then?" he asked placidly.
Hermione, temporarily stopped what she was doing and glared daggers at him, then went back to what she was doing.
"Ok, that means yes," Harry said folding his arms across his chest. "Erm, just out of curiosity, why are --"
"Where's Charlotte?" she asked, cutting him off and ignoring the question he was about to ask.
"She's downstairs with Ron, he just nipped in for a chat."
"Oh great," she said in false sweetness. "That's good for you, because any amount of time spent alone with him is sure to suck the intelligence right out of her!"
Harry closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the door with a thud. "Hermione, I didn't mean---"
"Tell me something, Harry," Hermione again cut him off sharply. "Do you have a problem with the way that I'm raising your child?"
Harry opened his eyes and looked as though he was about to say something, then gave her a look of utter confusion. "How can you even ask me something like that? You know that I think you're a fantastic mother."
"You didn't seem to think so this morning," she said sourly.
Harry bravely took a few steps closer to her. "Hermione, I'm sorry ok? But I'm really struggling to remember anything that I said that could make you as upset as you are right now."
Hermione threw one of his t-shirts angrily back onto the bed. "Are you kidding?!" She said hotly, getting right in front of his face. "So what if she's only five years old?! You didn't't want me to be honest with our daughter, when all she was doing was being curious and wanting to learn something! Like asking questions and trying to broaden her knowledge about things is a crime! You really have no idea why that would upset me!!"
Harry felt like the worst person in the world. Charlotte, was a carbon copy of her mother, and his behaviour had made it seem as though he wasn't happy about that. In reality the only reason he was acting so weird was down to sheer embarrassment. Harry was a proud father at the best of times, and if Charlotte turned out to be even half as smart as her mother, he was sure he'd be the proudest father ever to have existed. He even admitted to himself that Charlotte, must have inherited the smart gene from her mother.
"Hermione, I am so sorry."
"Whatever, just forget it," she said getting upset.
"Sweetheart, please, it was just my lame attempt to hide the real reason that I didn't want her to know so much, I was embarrassed ok? Much more than I should've been," Harry admitted desperately. Hermione began to soften slightly as she saw her husband sit on the edge of the bed looking so helpless. "I'm no good at these things Hermione, and you need to know that I probably never will be. I don't know how to even approach…situations like this. Is it wrong that I don't feel comfortable discussing my penis with our five year old daughter?"
Hermione finally laughed and sat down next to him. "Harry, I know that I'm never going to be able to teach Charlotte, how to ride a broom. I know that I'm never going to be able to teach her how to play quidditch or teach her how to cook something that someone actually wants to eat, amongst many other things. Those are the things that I'm counting on you to get her through. We're her parents, that's why there's two of us remember?"
Harry looked in her at awe, which was no surprise as it was something he did all the time. She knew exactly what to say in times when he didn't, something else she took care of. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Hermione leaned towards him and rested her head on his shoulder, her hand stroking his back. "I'm sorry I overreacted."
"I love you," he said, letting the side of his head rest on the top of hers.
She raised her head and kissed him sweetly on the lips. "I love you too. But I'm serious when I say we should get down there because Ron, really will suck the intelligence right out of her." Harry grinned. He knew she was right.
****
After the couple made up they went downstairs to find Rom and Charlotte. Hermione took Charlotte with her to some things around the house, allowing Harry and Ron time to talk.
Harry lead Ron into his study and shut the door behind him.
"You sort things out with Herms, then?" Ron said sitting down.
"Yeah," Harry replied sitting opposite him. "Just don't let her hear you call her that, she'll castrate you."
Ron laughed. "Wow, marriage really has made you turn into a wimp."
Harry nodded not bothering to argue the truth. "So what's up?"
"Marriage has made me turn into a wimp," Ron replied seriously.
Harry looked at his friend with deep concern. "Are you and Luna, ok?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah," Ron said. "Well, kind of."
"What does that mean?"
"Harry," Ron began. "This is probably going to be the most uncomfortable conversation that I've had in my life."
"And you want to share it with me?" Harry asked sarcastically. "How considerate of you."
"Please, Harry," Ron said. "I don't know what else to do."
"I'm sorry. What's going on?"
"Can I ask you…you know…a personal question?" Ron stuttered.
"Depends what it is, Ron," Harry said sincerely.
"You know…after Charlotte was born?"
Harry smiled as he briefly thought about the birth of his daughter. "Yes, of course."
"Did you and Hermione, ever have a problem….getting your…sex life back on track?" Ron asked going beetroot purple.
Harry blew out a breath. "Wow, um, I guess at first, she was worried that I wouldn't be as attracted to her as much as I was before she gave birth. Then in general we were both just really tired and didn't have the energy for anything else but looking after Charlotte."
"So how long…did it take before you got back to normal?"
"I don't know, Ron," Harry blushed. "About six months."
Ron's eyes widened. "Six months!" he thought shocked. "So, not thirteen then?"
"Thirteen?" Harry asked, feeling instantly bad for his friend.
"And counting."
"You've not had sex since before Ashlee, was born?" Harry asked surprised.
Ron flinched. "Well, no, yes…sort of."
"Sort of?" Harry raised his eyebrows. "How can you sort of, have sex?"
Ron thought carefully how to answer. "Let's just say that…the car gets onto the driveway…but not into the garage."
Harry rolled his eyes. "The car analogy, Ron, really at our age?"
Ron folded his arms and gave his friend an evil smile. "So, Charlotte, thinks your dick looks like a worm eh?"
Harry froze. "Hermione, told you that already huh?"
Ron nodded.
Harry turned serious. "So, your car is on the driveway," he repeated. Harry, certainly didn't want to go over this morning events and Ron knew this, the git! "Is…the engine running?"
"Full throttle," Ron said, happy his friend started to play along.
"Are you in…gear, and going forward?" Harry asked beginning to get a bit uncomfortable.
"Uh-huh," Ron nodded emphatically.
"Then what's the problem?" Harry gestured with his hands.
Ron cleared his throat. "Just as I'm about to go into the…garage, the door comes down and I stall."
Harry shook his head. "Have you talked to Luna, about this?"
"I don't need to," Ron said confused. "She was there."
Harry looked stunned, his friend was completely clueless. "And you need to ask me, why the door is coming down on you?!"
Ron still didn't understand. "So, you didn't get the door closed on you, not even once?"
"Well, St. Mungo's sealed the door shut for six weeks after Charlotte, arrived," Harry told him. "And after that, when my car was in the driveway, the door opened quite easily whenever I needed to…go in."
"Oh," Ron said sadly.
"Ron, listen," Harry said in a comforting tone. "Every couple is different and I sympathise with you, really I do. But if you're not even talking to each other about it, then you're not really giving yourself a chance."
"I can't talk to her, Harry," Ron said deflated. "I know I'm not the most sensitive person and I'm terrified that if I say something stupid, I'll make things worse."
"You realise that you'd probably make her feel no worse than you're doing already," Harry said. "If you can't talk to each other than you have a problem."
"She tried to talk to me this morning," Ron admitted.
"And?"
"I brushed her off and came to you," Ron cringed.
"Ron!" Harry said in shock.
"I know, I know," Ron raised his hands in defeat. "But I'm not like you Harry, and Hermione's always going on about how you're 'Mr. Sensitive', but I have no idea what to do, clearly!"
Harry snorted. "Hermione, would disagree with that on many levels! Not about you having no idea, but about me being sensitive all the time. Trust me Ron, just this morning I managed to piss her off really bad with one sentence. I don't always think, or have the answer. That's one of the reasons why I married her, to do my thinking for me!"
Ron sighed. "Yeah, but when it comes to sex, you guys are like…world champions!"
Harry looked off into space and smiled blissfully. "Yeah, we are." he gushed.
"Harry!" Ron put his head in his hands.
Harry chuckled. "Look, I don't mean to make you feel bad but, Ron, just talk to your wife, ok?"
"Fine!" Ron said trying to be confident. "But can you just tell me what it is you did to get Hermione, to open the garage door?! I'm begging you."
Harry was about to answer when Hermione entered the room. She looked at them both strangely when they fell into silence.
"Must be getting to the juicy parts," she commented.
Harry smirked and held his hand out his wife. "Come here, my beautiful."
Hermione smiled and perched herself on Harry's lap, his arms going around her waist, hers looping around his neck. She pecked him on the lips then looked at Ron. "So, what's the big secret?"
"Where's Charlotte?" Ron asked quickly. Hermione was still his best friend, but he wasn't sure if he was comfortable talking to her about his predicament.
"She's looking through a book about hamsters," Hermione said, noticing the smile vanish from Harry's face. "What?"
"Oh, nothing," Harry fibbed.
"So what's going on?" she asked.
"Ron, would like to know how I get you to open the garage door," Harry answered simply.
It didn't take long for Hermione, to understand what he really meant. She looked at Ron. "The car analogy, Ron, really at our age?"
Harry decided this time to help out his male best friend, and faced Hermione. "Did you really tell him that Charlotte, thought my dick looked like a worm?"
Hermione's mouth opened and closed, she was busted. She ignored his question and thought against further ribbing of the car analogy. "So, why won't Luna, let you make love to her?" she asked Ron, innocently.
"O.K, this conversation has gotten just a bit too real for me," Ron said standing up.
"Ron, sit down!" Hermione said firmly.
Ron, did as he was told much to the amusement of Harry, who stifled a laugh. He sat down with his hands in his lap, and put his head down like a child who had been caught doing something naughty.
"You really want to know details about mine and Harry's sex life?" Hermione asked.
Ron's head shot up. "NO!"
Harry was thankful to hear that answer. Of course he and his male friends talked about sex and their wives, but Harry was always respectful of Hermione, and never went in to sordid details about what he and Hermione did together in bed.
"Ron, it's us, you know you can ask us anything," Hermione said gently.
"Anything?" Ron asked unsure.
"Providing it's not perverted," she added.
"Why doesn't Luna, want me to see her naked?" Ron asked simply. Harry and Hermione glanced quickly at each other. "Why doesn't she want me to touch her anymore? Ever since Ashlee was born, she's been so…frigid."
This comment made Hermione angry. "Ron, have you got any idea what women go through after they've given birth?!" Before Ron could answer she continued. "I'll tell you! Hell! Not only do we have to go through indescribable pain in order to bring your children into the world, we begin questioning whether or not we have what it takes to be a mother, and also have to worry about whether our insensitive husbands are going to find us attractive with our tits down to our knees and our stomachs sagging!"
Harry gave his wife a squeeze in order to calm her, she rarely cursed. "Hermione, c'mon give the guy a break."
"Are you defending him?" she asked incredulously, jumping up from his lap.
"What?" Harry squeaked. "No, I'm just saying that women are sometimes…you know…complicated."
Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "You know what?! I think I've just become frigid myself!" Hermione spat, then stormed out.
Harry watched her leave with his mouth hanging open in shock.
Ron pointed in the direction Hermione had just left in. "See what I mean, they're crazy!!"
Harry covered his face with his hands, that was the second tiff he and Hermione had had that morning. He had a horrible feeling she wasn't going to be so forgiving this time. He didn't know what was going on but Hermione, had been so sensitive lately. The problem was, he had no idea why.
****