JKR owns.
Don't Let Me Go
Chapter One: For Your Own Good
---
[AN] This was pretty much a little plot bunny that didn't die away after a few days. I'm not sure if it makes a lot of sense (hahaha), but I'm posting it anyway. It's inspired by my friend coming home from Iraq, and his behavior in the weeks following. I'm sure some of you will think the characters are OOC. Oh well, though- this is fan fiction!
---
Harry sighed gloomily at the loud music meeting his ears as he walked up the steps to his apartment. Clearly, Ron, his roommate, had taken it upon himself to throw a party. Again.
And after the night he'd spent with his girlfriend and her parent's, he was in no mood to see everyone smiling and having a grand old time in his flat. Hopefully, he'd just be able to sneak in unnoticed and go straight to his room, where he hopefully wouldn't spend the rest of the night laying awake in bed, thinking of what his girlfriend had told him earlier that night.
However, luck was not in his side as Harry opened the door to his flat and closed it quietly behind him. Not that it mattered- the music and cheery conversation around him drowned out any sound he might've made coming in. And that still didn't stop him from being recognized.
"HARRY!" Ron screamed from across the living room, excitedly waving him over.
Harry only gave him a curt nod before turning and heading for the hallway that led to his bedroom. A few other people called out for his attention, but he didn't acknowledge their calls. Instead, he walked faster for the door at the end of the hall.
He didn't understand how everyone could be so happy and carefree, merely months after the war had brutally ended. So many people- kids- had lost their lives, yet here everyone else was, partying on like it didn't matter. Even Ron had already made peace with his brother's passing.
But, even though the tragedies seemed to no longer affect everyone else, it still affected Harry. Probably more than anyone knew.
Besides Hermione, of course. She could always tell.
As Harry let himself into his bedroom, and closed the door behind him, Hermione's words played through his head once again.
'Harry, I've been thinking, and I've decided to take next semester off. I just feel like you get lonely while I'm at school, and Ron's at work, and honestly, I'd rather be spending my time with you than at college…"
Harry was sure that any bloke would be ecstatic to hear that their girlfriend would be taking off from college to spend more time with them. However, not many people had the kind of relationship that he and Hermione did.
They'd started dating in July, and six months later they were still together. Even though they had technically got together on his birthday, their actual relationship predated back to the middle of the war. However, that fact remained private between the two of them. After how mature Ron had acted towards their blossoming love, they didn't think it would be kind to reveal a secret like that.
Anyway, six months had passed, and for all intent and purposes, Harry should've been perfectly happy. The girl he loved was by his side, and loved him back with all her heart. His best mate and adopted family actually supported their relationship. The wizarding media had all but left him alone since the aftermath of the war. Even though all that was true, Harry just couldn't forget about the past year, like his friends so easily had. That pain was still there for him, and deeper than ever.
Harry had never really recovered after the war. So many people had died trying to help him. Even though he came out triumphant, and people seemed to forgive him for the countless lives loss, he had yet to forgive himself.
And Hermione was obviously starting to see that. That's why she was dropping out of university. Harry knew it was because she felt like she needed to baby-sit him. Not because he needed to be supervised, or anything, but because in six months time, she had never relented from trying to make him happy. He knew Hermione only stuck around him because she feared that if she left, then he'd spiral into some dark dismal abyss. He's seen her at university, and she always seems to be totally in her element. When it's just them though, she is as bright and happy as ever.
When she was with everyone at school, she was really happy. When she was with him, she felt like she had to be happy. It was like Harry was holding her back. Hermione had no trouble putting her life on hold for him, and that's what bothered him the most.
She'd had so many opportunities after the war- internships at the ministry, scholarships for the most prestigious wizarding universities abroad, book deals, etc. But she never accepted any of them. Instead, she stayed in London, with Harry, and went to the local muggle university. She'd blown off her own happiness for the sake of his, and now she was about to stop doing something else that she loved, just to be there for him. Harry wasn't the only one who knew this. Hermione's parents desperately wanted her to act on her potentials, and were disappointed when they found out that she would be staying home so that she could be close to a certain boy. He knew that Sean and Elisabeth Granger hated Harry for it, and to be honest, Harry hated himself for it too.
Hermione was the first girl to love and support him unconditionally, and the first girl that he'd ever confessed his love to before. But even though he didn't want to be without her, he didn't want their relationship to be at the cost of her happiness. And that was exactly what it was starting to do.
It killed him inside to know that he was holding her back. Something needed to change, but Harry didn't know how he'd be able to do it.
'You need to stop being selfish, that's for sure,' a voice scoffed in his head.
Harry scrubbed his hands over his head in frustration at his own thought. He hated feeling so dreadfully hopeless, but it was a feeling that had nearly consumed him since the war. With a shake of his head, he started stripping his dinner clothes away from his body. The night had exhausted him, and he was ready to turn his frantic brain off for a while.
After he was down to his boxers, he walked over to his nightstand, and pulled out the top drawer. Quickly, he grabbed up one of the bottles of dreamless sleep potions stored there. It was his nightly ritual, and as the creamy liquid flowed down his throat, he could feel the restless abandon easing his eyes closed.
Hermione's face was the last thing he pictured before he fell back onto his bed and drifted off to sleep.
…
When Harry awoke the next morning, the first thing he noticed was that the edge of his bed was weighed down more than it should've been. With his eyes still closed, he rolled onto his sides and tried tugging up on his sheets.
Immediately, his eyes snapped open when he rolled onto something that he knew definitely shouldn't have been there. He tried to focus on the form without his glasses, and could make out a thin body, facing away from him, snuggled under the sheets of his bed. Harry sat up quickly and reached back to grab his glasses.
Once the frame was settled on his face, he could make out the body more clearly. His eyes instantly narrowed when he saw that the body had the hair and curves of a girl. A girl he knew, nonetheless. Even though he hadn't seen her in a while, he could tell who that straight, black hair and petite body belonged to.
Harry cleared his throat loudly, causing Cho to wake up. As soon as she opened her eyes and caught sight of Harry, he glared.
Awkwardly, she cleared her throat, "Oh, um, morning Harry."
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Harry spat out, not wasting any time with pleasantries.
Cho immediately gulped at Harry's harsh tone, "Sorry…" she muttered timidly. Her apology didn't effect Harry's glare at all, so Cho quickly started to explain, "It's just Roger, my ex, came over last night. He was starting to make a scene in front of everyone, and I just wanted to get away from him for a little while. I didn't know my way around your house, and this was the first door I opened so-"
"So you thought you'd just take your kit off and jump into bed with me?"
Cho's eyes widened, "No! I know this looks bad-"
"Look Cho, I don't even care," Harry cut her off angrily, shaking his head, "Just get your shit, and get out of my flat."
Cho had turned a deep shade of red. She glanced around the room uncomfortably for a moment before turning back to Harry, "Um, do you mind if I can have some privacy?"
Harry rolled his eyes before throwing the covers off him. He stood up from his bed and stalked out of his room. Not caring if he woke anybody else up, he slammed the door.
Honestly, he didn't mind Ron throwing parties. He lived there too, therefore he could do what he wanted. However, he'd have to have a talk with Ron, that next time he wanted to have a party, his room was strictly off limits.
Harry went into the kitchen, still in a bitter mood. He started automatically making himself some coffee, hoping that that would calm him down some. He was just pouring some water into the coffee machine when the doorbell rang. He sighed impatiently, but put the water down and stalked off for the door to answer it.
As soon as he opened it though, he half wished he hadn't.
"Hey you," his girlfriend greeted him with a bright smile on her face. Before Harry could respond, Hermione leaned forward and kissed him.
Harry was still flabbergasted to see Hermione here. She was supposed to be in her philosophy class right now…
"Hermione?"
She let out a laugh at his confusion, "Surprise!"
Harry shook his head, "What happened to your class?"
"I figure it's okay to ditch every once in a while," Hermione said with a simple shrug, "Maybe even healthy. Anyway, I wanted to surprise you."
Harry still didn't respond to her as she leaned in and gave him another kiss. All he could focus was the Asian girl getting dress in his room right now.
"Oh," he muttered distractedly.
Hermione grinned patiently at his still dazed attitude, "So are you going to let me in?"
"Uh-"
"Well, thanks for letting me freshen up Harry. Last night was-" Cho froze as she looked up from straightening her skirt and met the eyes of Hermione Granger, standing next to a lifeless looking Harry.
Hermione's eyes glanced over the pretty Asian. Last time she had saw Cho Chang, she was only a girl, but now she was a full-blown woman. A beautiful woman, at that. A beautiful woman who was coming from her boyfriend's bedroom, fixing her skirt.
Hermione's breath caught in her throat. She wanted to throw up. Her eyes looked away from Cho's shocked face to Harry. The raven haired wizard looked completely apathetic. He didn't seem like he was about to explain to her that this was all a misunderstanding. He didn't look like he was going to defend himself. For all intent and purposes, he looked guilty.
Hermione glanced back and forth between her boyfriend and his ex a couple times. Harry seemed determined to avoid her eyes. That alone seemed to be an admittance to his guilt.
Hermione couldn't think of anything else to do. Standing there in front of them for any longer, or speaking, seemed impossible. She didn't know what else to do- so she ran.
Harry had to force himself to look up and watch the retreating back of his girlfriend. No matter how much it killed him to know that she was running away from him, he didn't do anything to stop her. This was his own fault anyway. Even though he really didn't do anything with Cho, he knew that Hermione was better off without him. He had been feeling that way for a long time now.
He couldn't let himself hold her back anymore. Putting his love for her aside, he didn't want to constantly drag her down with him. Just because he wasn't ready to let go of everything, didn't mean he had to involve her into his sorrow.
"Aren't you going to go after her?" Cho's frantic voice asked, breaking the silence.
It took a few seconds, but Harry finally turned and gave her a dark look, "Get out."
…
A few days later…
…
As soon as his feet touched ground inside his apartment, he stalked straight to Harry's room. With a curled fist, he pounded on his door, "Harry, open the door!"
Ron waited impatiently, given his current fury, for a couple of minutes. There had yet to be a response, but Ron knew that Harry was inside. Again, he knocked, "I need to talk to you. Now, Harry!"
Finally, Ron heard some rustling coming from within the room. The redhead told himself to try and refrain from jumping on Harry, but it was definitely harder said than done.
Harry finally opened the door, "Wha-"
Before Harry could even finish, Ron hurled his fist back, and punched his supposed best mate square in the face.
"What the hell?" Harry shouted, clutching his jaw and giving Ron a furious look. However, the redhead wasn't nearly done with him. Ron pushed Harry, sending him stumbling back into the room.
"How could you do that to her?" he yelled, just as furiously.
Harry glared into the heated eyes of his best friend. Suddenly, his attack made perfect sense. He was bound to find out sooner or later…
With a disheartened sigh, Harry only shook his head and muttered, "Leave me alone."
"To hell with that," Ron raged on, "Tell me why you cheated on Hermione! Bloody hell Harry- you knew that I fancied her! But when I found out you two had feelings for each other, I stepped back and gave you my blessing. And now you've gone and done the worst possible thing to her! You're such a bloody bastard!" Ron's face was bright red by the time he was finished screaming.
"I never asked for you to give us your blessing," Harry returned lowly. Honestly, if Ron had acted on his feelings sooner, then Harry wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. Hermione would never have been trapped with him and the hopeless bastard that he truly was.
But then again, Harry knew that Hermione never felt that way for their best friend. And even if she had, then Harry would be caught up in a different mess, wishing that Hermione would really be with him. It was a really mucked up situation either way you put it. Everyone probably would have just been better off if Harry had just died with Riddle.
"That's not the point," Ron continued in frustration, angry that Harry was acting so insensitively. He knew this wasn't really how he felt, and the fact that Harry obviously didn't want to tell him, or his girlfriend, was nerve-wracking. "You had Hermione! Why the hell would you risk throwing that away by shagging Chang?!"
"I didn't," Harry muttered. The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop himself. He didn't realize before how ugly Ron's words sounded. The thought of having sex with any girl but Hermione made him want to shudder. It wasn't like he and Hermione had ever taken that step, but still.
Ron stopped his verbal tirade, and gave Harry a questioning look, "What?"
Harry sighed. Now he knew he had some explaining to do, "You heard me. I never had sex with Cho."
"Then why haven't you, or supposedly Hermione, left your room since the morning after my party? Why is my sister about ready to rip your throat out?"
Harry ignored his last part, fretting over something else, "What do you mean Hermione hasn't come out of her room?"
Ron rolled his eyes, "What would you expect her to do, Harry? Go out and celebrate the fact that her boyfriend was cheating on her?"
Harry stalled. Thinking about it, he didn't know what he had expected Hermione to do. He would've hoped that she'd be trying to move on by now. But then again, he had let her believe that he'd cheated. After everything they'd been through, it wasn't realistic to imagine that she'd be okay. He only hoped that she wasn't feeling similar to how he was feeling. That was the last thing he wanted.
Harry couldn't think of anything else to say as Ron stared at him with cold, unforgiving eyes. So instead, he simply repeated, "But I wasn't cheating on her."
Ron scoffed, "Then why would you let her believe that?" Ron was getting severely impatient with Harry's lack of explanation. If he didn't start making sense soon, then Ron would have to go back to his 'hands-on' method. At least that'd be more satisfying.
Harry looked away from Ron, "Because I couldn't do it anymore."
"Couldn't do it? So you wanted to break up with her?" Ron asked in utter disbelief, "Why would you want to put her through so much pain by letting her believe you slept with Cho? Why couldn't you just be a man and tell her-"
Ron was interrupted by Harry shaking his head, "No that's not what I meant."
Ron frowned, "What is it then?"
"I-I just…" Harry took a deep breath before turning to Ron, "I can't let her bend over backwards anymore trying to make me happy."
Ron raised his eyebrows in shock, convinced that Harry was joking, or trying to lie for the sake of his own embarrassment. Alas, by the look on his friend's face, he knew he was being serious.
"Harry, she loves you! What else would you expect her to do? Want you to be miserable?"
Harry let out a frustrated breath as he sat down on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands, "No but… it's like that's always her main priority. She puts my happiness before her own, and I can't do that to her anymore."
Ron shook his head sadly at his friend's confession, "You'd think that with so much effort, it'd make a difference. Why are you determined to be like this?"
"I can't just forget, Ron. I'm not sure if I ever will."
Much to Harry's surprise, Ron scoffed again, "No one's asking you to forget anything. All Hermione wants is for you to try and move on- but you're not even attempting. We all want you to stop living in the past!"
Harry was at a lost for words. He didn't expect for Ron to understand his reasons- but then again, he had never really considered any of Ron's points either.
"It's not that easy," Harry tried. How was he supposed to just move on when there were people and families out there who would never be able to get past the trauma of the war. Why should he get to move on scot-free, while other people were bound to suffer for the rest of their lives?
"It hasn't been easy for anyone! Especially Hermione-"
"Exactly!" exclaimed Harry, finally showing some emotion, "She's been putting so much energy into trying to make me happy, that she doesn't get to focus on herself!"
Ron shook his head, feeling the need to defend his absent best friend, "That's not totally true. She's going to school, isn't she? That's something she always talked about wanting to do."
"She told me a few days ago that she was going to drop out. Any guesses as to why?"
Ron frowned, not really having to guess, "To be with you more?"
Harry nodded bitterly, "By staying in a relationship with her, I'm only holding her back. You should see her when she's at college," Harry said, recalling the few times he's picked her up on campus. The way she studied and interacted with the other students was 100% pure Hermione. Harry sighed to himself as he continued, "When she's there, or anywhere without me, then she's just Hermione, content with who she is. But when she's around me, not matter what's happening to her, she puts on a brave face and tries to brighten me up with her cheerful attitude. It's like she's afraid that if she's anything but smiles, then it'll only further depress me."
"Are you?" Ron asked suddenly.
Harry knitted his eyebrows together, clearly confused, "Am I what?"
"Depressed?"
Harry's immediate reaction was to sneer at the question. But after he had, Ron still didn't drop his expectant face. Annoyingly, he still wanted an answer.
"I don't know!" Harry exclaimed defensively.
Ron narrowed his eyes at his tone, but didn't relent, "Think about how you felt these past few days, locked up in your room all alone." Ron waited a few moments while Harry unwillingly let the words sink into his head.
"Now think about your time with Hermione. Don't think about how you assume she felt, but consider how she made you feel."
"What are you getting at?" Harry asked, obviously trying to avoid reliving those memories with Hermione.
Ron didn't answer; he only gave him a probing look, telling him to answer.
Harry sighed, and shrugged before mumbling, "She made me feel good."
"Just good?"
Harry glared at him, but after a few seconds conceded, "No, not just good." He took a deep breath, "She makes me feel loved."
"That's because she does love you. But you know what Harry? You're getting in a bad habit of pushing away the people who love you."
Harry froze, shocked at his friend's brutal words.
"I-I…"
"Do you want to be alone, miserable like this for the rest of your life?"
Harry thought about the possibility for a second. Finally, he shook his head, "No."
Ron nodded. After all this heartache, his best mate seemed to finally be coming around, "You don't always know what's best for people mate. You owe Hermione the truth."
As Ron turned, and walked out of his room, Harry was hit with the realization of what he had to do. He knew it'd be a desperate attempt, probably destined to fail. However, Ron was right. He needed to come clean with the one person who mattered most.
---
If it's not too much trouble, please kindly put your thoughts into the little review box below.
Thanks :]