Disclaimer: JKR owns.
Lost Daughter
Chapter 8: Won't Waste One Second with Her
---
[AN] Thanks for the reviews.
---
With a swish of her wand, Hermione sent the desk that she had let Mia use as her main object back into its correct spot. It had taken her a couple tries to return the jar of bluebell flames back into a non-smoldering wood, but eventually she'd managed it. To be honest, she was too busy marveling over Amia's talents to even think about how she had seemed to perfect something that Hermione herself had never tried. Ingenious seemed too belittling to describe Amia.
A knock at the door interrupted Hermione's inner monologue. She looked up with a frown, immediately thinking that it was Amia and that maybe she had left something.
"Come in!" she called, standing up from her desk.
Hermione was definitely not expecting the face that appeared behind the door. Her frowned narrowed into suspicion as Harry closed the door behind him and turned to face her. She took note of the dark look on his face as she addressed him.
"What are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you," Harry said, walking up to her at her desk.
She took a step back as he came to stand before her. She couldn't help the first thing that came to her mind. Was he really here to warn her about Amia again? If it didn't work the first time, what made him think he had a right to try again?
"About what?" Hermione asked, tense.
"I was at work. I had to turn in a testimony to the solicitors office. When I went to the lawyer's office I saw a case on his desk."
Hermione raised an eyebrow at his explanation. That definitely wasn't what she had been expecting to hear, "Okay…"
Harry didn't hesitate before he spoke next, "What's going on with you and Ron?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Hermione answered him belligerently. However, she would've been lying if she said her heart hadn't started racing as she began connecting the dots.
Harry's expression hardened further, "What are you doing giving a case entitled Granger versus Weasley to Henry Pettlebone for?"
Hermione froze. She hadn't expected him to ask her so bluntly. The answer was on the tip of her tongue, even though she had figured she wasn't ready to tell anyone. She hadn't even told her kids. But telling her kids and telling Harry were two different things.
"That's none of your business Harry," she finally spoke after a few moments.
Harry scoffed, "I like to think differently."
"It doesn't concern you!" she exclaimed this time, heated since Harry sounded so domineering.
"The hell it doesn't! You know Pettlebone specializes in spousal disputes?"
Hermione glared at him, "I'm aware of that."
What happened next both shocked and softened her at the same time. It was a simple question that implied such complicated things…
"Has he hurt you?" Harry asked, in a much more controlled tone.
Hermione sighed. Physically, Ron had never hit her and she would never lie about that. But mentally… His actions should've incurred hurt. But Hermione didn't feel that upset. She was more upset over the fact that her kids would have to deal with Ron's actions too. Maybe her pride had been a bit wounded. Scratch the bit. It was embarrassing, that was for sure. What would people think when they found out that Ron had gone to other woman to find satisfaction? At least a few would take it out on her. But besides all that, Hermione knew she shouldn't be hurt. She had never loved him… she had never really wanted to be with him…
She sighed, "Ron's never hit me Harry."
"Are you sure?" Harry asked sharply. Hermione could tell he was using his Auror technique on her.
However, she only rolled her eyes in exasperation, "Yes."
"Then why?" Staring into his burning gaze, she knew that Harry was at the point where he was so determined to find out, that it would happen with or without her consent.
Knowing that there was very little else she could do, she sighed, "Henry is a friend from uni. That's why I gave my case to him."
"Why do you have a case? What is it about?" His eyes were rimming with anticipation as he spoke.
Hermione closed her eyes for one brief moment. She could lie to him; tell him something that was completely different from the truth. But then that would only be another factor moving her away from her intended target. Taking the initiative to actually file was a huge step forward, and even though she didn't like it, admitting it to Harry was another. She took a deep breath.
"I'm divorcing Ron."
Harry's jaw went slack, "You're divorcing?"
"We separated when I came here," Hermione explained, "The kids don't know and I want it to stay that way until I figure out exactly what I'm doing and how I'll handle it."
"I understand," Harry nodded, his tone suddenly much more gentle. He honestly didn't know how to act now. Hermione and Ron divorcing was huge. She might not have known it, but it had a huge effect on him too.
"Are…"
Hermione frowned at his suddenly faraway expression, "What?"
"Are you okay?" Harry asked quietly, shyly meeting her eyes. He didn't know if he had a right to be asking Hermione this, but he needed to know.
Hermione shrugged, "Yes. I'm fine. It's going to be difficult… but I'll be fine."
"He doesn't deserve you," Harry whispered, wanting so badly to take a step forward and take her in his arms. Despite what she said, he knew that her indifferent demeanor was just a show. She had to be hurting on the inside. The thought of Ron being the cause for that pain literally made him want to clench his fists. That stupid selfish wanker had hurt Hermione, and for what? To satisfy his ridiculous desires? Did he not understand what kind of consequences that would have? Why Ron would even want to take the risk of losing Hermione was a mystery to him.
Hermione stood there for a minute, studying Harry's expression. It was a second before her confused look set into a frown and she shook her head, "You know, don't you?"
Harry jerked his eyes up to her and found the emotion he had been looking for. Unfortunately, it was directed at him. Even with that in mind, all he could think to do was tell the truth, "Yeah."
"So what, you guys talk about it?" Hermione asked snappishly.
Harry quickly shook his head, "No! I saw him a couple weeks ago… at the Cannons party. He was with her then."
The room went quiet for a moment after that. Hermione's fiery look faded, and she turned her eyes down to stare at something on her desk. When she nodded, Harry's heart sunk. Not realizing he was moving, he walked around her desk and pulled on her shoulder so that she was facing him.
"He's a dumb git Hermione. I swear I've been fighting the urge to pound his face in
every time I see him." Whatever she might be feeling, she had to know that he, at least, was on her side. He wouldn't betray her like Ron had.
Hermione only shrugged again, "He's just a bloke. Don't let it get you so heated."
"Don't make excuses for him," Harry scorned.
"I'm not making any excuses for him!"
Harry bit back his retort, knowing that it wouldn't do any good. Instead, he asked, "How long have you known?"
Immediately, he knew that she would be reluctant to divulge any information to him. He could tell so by the way Hermione drew her bottom lip up and clenched it between her teeth. He'd always been able to decipher her mannerisms. Her diversion techniques wouldn't be working this time though.
"He said he'd stop a long time ago," she mumbled with a light shrug.
"That bastard…"
"Harry, I've come to terms with it," Hermione said calmly. This time she didn't look indifferent, or truly upset. It was more of a genuine tone that she was taking, "We're not in love. I can't expect him to love me when I…"
"Don't?"
Can't. Hermione bit her lip, "Right."
"You should've dropped him when you first found out," Harry muttered angrily.
She only shook her head, "No… that would've destroyed Rose and Hugo. Even now I have no idea how I'm going to tell them…"
"You should be honest with them," Harry suggested, trying to calm himself down. Hermione always was pretty selfless when it came to her kids. It made sense that she was putting them first, even if that meant she had to suffer. "They're going to be upset either way," he tried to convince her regardless.
Harry was happy to see her nod, but when she shrugged a second later he knew he hadn't really gotten through with her. "I haven't decided anything yet. I've been too preoccupied," she said.
"Doing what?" he asked, now curious.
Hermione hesitated. Instantly her eyes started to dart around the room, "Just… work and everything… Um, I'm going to go put some of these books away. Be
right back."
Before he had time to question her, Hermione bent over and scooped up some of the large transfiguration tomes on her desk that she had let Amia peruse through during her lesson, and practically ran from the class.
Harry watched her disappear into her office, with a steady frown set upon her face. He knew she could've easily had those books back in their place with a simple wave of her wand. He also knew that her cowardly escape was another one of her diversion tactics. She was trying to hide something, but what?
Harry found himself starting to glance around the classroom. It was just like McGonagall's old class, except it had a slightly more aged feel to it. Even Hermione's desk, despite how cluttered it was, seemed like an antique version of the now headmistress. Harry frowned as he noticed the unorganized array of papers, folders, and quills on Hermione's desk. Usually she kept her work area very neat. Maybe the stress of teaching was getting to her…
He bent and picked up a broken quill and then tossed it in the rubbish bin. As he turned back, his eyes caught sight of a name in the midst of Hermione's desk.
He couldn't tell when his body numbed over, just that it did sometime after seeing the name Amia Cooper neatly scrawled on a piece of parchment.
He didn't know what instinct lead him to do it, but he picked up the parchment and let his eyes absorb all of the things Hermione had claimed made this girl their Lilly. And sure enough, she had been telling the truth:
Name, Amia Cooper… D.O.B., 1/21/1993… Residency, Newport Beach, California, United States of America…
When Hermione came back from dropping the books off, she saw Harry, with his back to her, hunched over something in his hand, looking like he was reading. As she quietly walked towards him, she noticed an open file laying on top of her desk.
Immediately, she narrowed her eyes, "I never knew you to be so nosy."
Harry jumped and spun on his heel to face an angry looking Hermione. As soon as he did, she snatched the paper out of his hands and moved past him to return it to the folder on her desk.
His jaw flexed as she did so, "Don't tell me I don't have a right to look at that."
"I thought you made your feelings perfectly clear last week," Hermione snapped, turning around to glare at him, "You don't want anything to do with her, and that's fine. But you can't stop me from getting to know her."
Hermione knew what this was about. When Harry saw the file open to Amia's paper, he probably thought she was still acting like some obsessed loony in her pursuits to see Mia. The idea that Harry was about to give her another lecture irritated her to no end.
"I never said I didn't want anything to do with her," Harry argued stubbornly.
She scoffed, "How many times did you tell me to leave her alone that night? Your intentions were obvious."
"Well the things you were suggesting called for me to tell you that." Even though Harry was frustrated, he wasn't getting nearly as defensive as Hermione.
"Come off it," Hermione said rudely, glaring unabashedly at him, "I wasn't suggesting anything- I just want to get to know her."
"Hermione-"
"What?!" she shouted.
Harry didn't reply immediately, instead he allowed a silence to engulf them where Hermione stood before him, still heated and breathing heavily. Finally, when he thought she was calmed down enough, he spoke.
"Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I have no fucking clue how to act or what to do right now. I just know that, despite what we might be inclined to do…" he said, putting a strong emphasis on 'we', because she was wrong if she believed that he could simply ignore this girl's presence at Hogwarts.
"…She'd be devastated if you or I said anything to her. She grew up thinking that she was her parents child. You're still a stranger to her…" he finished, trying to be as gentle as possible. The last thing Harry wanted to do was fight about this with Hermione. He just wanted her to remember why they gave Lilly up in the first place. It was for her safety and happiness. He figured that always should've been their first thought. The desires they had to reach out to her would spoil that if they dared ever try.
And thankfully, Hermione seemed to agree after a few moments. "I know that," she breathed, letting her angry glare disappear from her face. A look of defeat replaced it, and somehow, that made Harry feel worse.
Hermione picked up another book of her desk, and Harry figured that she wanted to make another escape so that she didn't have to face him. He thought about stopping her as she started walking back towards her office, but decided against it. She probably wanted to be alone. Harry turned back to Amia's file on the desk. He would've been lying if he'd said that the thought of being alone with the California girl's file wasn't alluring either.
Hermione turned back to him, a thought on her mind, just as Harry was about to pick up the piece of parchment again. She was quiet for a second, wondering how to best phrase her question. However, when she saw the look of unmistakable longing cross his face as his hand grazed over her file, she knew she didn't have to beat around the bush.
"Do you ever just think about her?" Her question was barely more than a whisper, but Harry turned to face her as if she had been right in front of him.
"Yeah Hermione. I used to think about her all the time."
"But?"
Harry sighed. It was a moment before he shrugged, "But real life got in the way. Constantly thinking about her and wishing that things could've been different never made it any easier. We have kids of our own that need our attention more then a memory of her does."
"A part of me wishes I could feel like that."
"Hermione-"
"I know I can't say anything," Hermione cut him off before he could even think about starting to lecture her, "but I'll never be able to accept that she's not mine. She is my daughter… just not in the way that matters most."
Harry was quiet, but then he nodded. It seemed that idea wasn't too hard to grasp for him, which somewhat surprised Hermione since he seemed to be so convinced that this girl belonged to someone else.
"Our theory worked, at least," Harry said quietly after another few seconds, "I mean, she's alive… she's healthy. She was able to have the normal childhood we wanted her to have."
Even though Hermione nodded in response, she couldn't fight the feeling that maybe that assumption wasn't completely true. There were just too many things- odd things- that didn't make sense concerning Amia.
She had her theories, but she wasn't ready to divulge them to Harry. She wanted to find out more first. So instead, she asked the next question that had been plaguing her for the past week. "What do you think happened to those people?"
An second was all it took for a dark look to come over Harry's features. He scoffed, "Who knows? Maybe they found some other innocent people to prey on…"
"Or maybe they only cared about ruining our lives," Hermione suggested, just as spitefully.
At her comment though, Harry seemed to soften, "Hermione, our lives weren't ruined."
Hermione looked at him with incredulous eyes. So she was wrong; Harry wasn't as effected by Amia as she was. She snorted, "I haven't had one day go by were I haven't thought about her. She's always been on my mind. Do you know how hard it is to look at Ron, and my kids, and my parents in the eye knowing that they have no clue about why I feel half empty? You can't possibly fathom how much my life's been effected by that girl."
"Yes I can," Harry said with an obstinate frown.
She shook her head, "You don't act like it."
At that, Harry's eyes narrowed into a glare, "Obviously we had different ways of dealing with it."
His statement was like a knife in the chest for Hermione. She knew exactly what he was referring too; something she knew was the prime reason their relationship changed forever. She had no good retort as guilt consumed her, so she just nodded, "Yeah, obviously…"
"Hermione, we can't change the past-"
"But I can change the future," she interjected, "Now that she's here, I'm not going to waste one second with her."
Now Harry's narrowed eyes looked suspicious, "What are you planning on doing?"
"I'm not planning any elaborate scheme if that's what your thinking," Hermione defended herself, "She needs special lessons in Transfiguration."
He raised an eyebrow, "What, is she behind or something?"
"No. She's advanced. Very advanced. She knows more than the 7th years, so I'm going to start giving her lessons beyond the Hogwarts level," she explained to him, happy that she was able to keep her voice so level. This was for school, so he couldn't argue about extra lessons.
"And how does she feel about that?" Harry asked.
For the first time since he showed up that evening, a smile appeared at the corner of Hermione's mouth, "She's not as obsessed with school as I was. I think she gets that from you. But she did seem to enjoy herself. She's very talented."
"Well she must get that from you," Harry replied with a smile of his own.
Harry could tell his compliment definitely pleased Hermione. Despite her growing grin, she shrugged lightly, "She doesn't like showing off her talent, though."
He nodded, "That's a good quality."
"She's humble… but I can't tell if it's an insecure humble or not." The smile on her face slowly fell as her expression overtook with concern. Harry could tell she was reliving certain experiences with the girl, and he hadn't expected the twinge of jealously he felt because of that.
It had only been a little over a week, but already Hermione seemed to know a lot about their girl. The desire to also know seemed as easy as instinct.
"Tell me more?" he asked.
Hermione's eyes bore into his for a brief moment, just long enough to see the magnitude of genuine curiosity radiating there. It didn't take her long to nod in reply.
…
Harry quietly climbed the stairs in his darken home, making sure to pass over the creaks for the sake of anyone hopefully sleeping in the house. It was late; he and Hermione had talked for hours at Hogwarts. Talking to her was almost easy again. The feeling that he and Hermione were getting back to good terms was ineffable to him. It was a type of happiness and gratefulness he hadn't felt in a long time.
Once they had realized that it was two in the morning, and time for Harry to leave, he had made sure to tell Hermione that if she needed anything at all, then don't hesitate to come to him. She had said she wouldn't, but Harry still hoped she would take him up on the offer soon. He didn't want to go so long without talking to her, especially now that they were on speaking terms again.
Before he knew it, he was standing in front of his bedroom door. To his pleasure, the lights were off inside, meaning that Ginny should already be asleep. Just as he expected, when he edged the door open, his wife was snoring lightly, curled up on her side of the bed. As his eyes rested on Ginny, his mind drifted back to Hermione and her impending divorce. She had said she wanted the divorce because she and Ron didn't love each other anymore. Harry couldn't help but think that was the right reason for a divorce. It wasn't out of revenge, because Ron had cheated on her. She was just acknowledging the truth that had been there for who knows how long. Maybe they never even really did love each other.
Harry sighed, and turned to walk into his closet. Despite his hopes, he knew that wasn't something he could ask Hermione. Not now at least. But the thought did make him think about his own relationship. If you don't love each other, then why would you ignore that? Of course, there were several small reasons why. But to Harry, they all came back to one conclusion.
You shouldn't.
---
Next chapter, Rose and Amia go to visit Hagrid.
Please REVIEW!