Disclaimer: As usual, all characters etc belong to JKRowling I just borrowed them for the purpose of the story - I'll give them back when I'm done promise!
A/N: This was going to be just a one shot fic about Hermione trying to break up with Ron, from her PoV, but I think I might extend it into a small series of shots about all the different characters. Please R&R!
"You see the thing is…" The thing is what? Come on brain think! Where are you when I need you? So full of useless information the rest of the time but when it really counts you draw a blank?! Fantastic, just fantastic, if only they could see me now all those people who say I'm the brightest witch of my age and I can't even string a simple sentence together. Then again those who know me would probably be laughing themselves sick. Hermione Granger lost for words? It must be a first.
Sometimes, very occasionally I wish I could swap every book in the Hogwarts library for a simple How To on social interaction - I know, hard to believe isn't it? I can just see the headlines in tomorrow's Prophet Genius Granger Bargains Away Books! Well you heard it first here folks; stranger things have happened. But during those rare instances it would be so handy, I've always been rubbish at relating to other people so I hide behind all the facts and information I've managed to stuff into my head. If I just recite that at them or apply logic to absolutely everything then they won't notice that I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. Don't get me wrong though I'm brilliant at reasoning out other people's motives for why they behave in the way they do, but the minute it comes down to just me and interacting with my friends I'm totally useless. Take just now for instance, this whole situation has classic `inability to cope' written all over it.
I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open, probably not unlike a goldfish - it's very attractive - and it feels like my mind has become a carousel that someone has set to fast-forward. It's going round so rapidly that I can't stop it to take a look at any of the thoughts properly, it's all a blur. It's not like I haven't rehearsed what I was going to say a million times over and tried to work out all the many possible responses I could receive and how I would then react to that in turn.
He's staring at me now, doing that thing he does when he's confused where his lip sort of slides to the left and he raises one eyebrow ever so slightly. I used to think it was endearing but now it's just annoying. That's why I have to do this, because everything about him is starting to annoy me and I know that if I let it go on it will just ruin anything that's left of the friendship we had in the first place. It's not even as though they're important things, they're tiny and insignificant and normally I would hardly have picked up on them so maybe I am just looking for excuses, but Merlin they're really irritating now! Take when he reading for instance - I know it only happens once in a blue moon, but that's another gripe which I'm not even going to get into just now - he does this thing where he sucks on his teeth when he doesn't understand something, which as you can imagine means he does it rather a lot. Then there's the whole over protective thing, some people would probably call it jealousy but I like to think it just means he cares - well I used to but now it just drives me crazy! It's gotten to the stage where I can hardly talk to another bloke and he's suddenly at my shoulder either intervening in the conversation or physically putting himself between me and the person I'm talking to so that "nothing untoward" happens. What does he take me for?
Then there's the drinking. Don't misunderstand me I'm not trying to say Ronald Weasley is a drunk, not by a long shot, but when he does have a few he goes all out if you know what I mean. I can't remember the last time we went out with our friends and he didn't get plastered and do something embarrassing. Being not much of drinker myself - I'll only have the occasional firewhiskey - it does get rather tiring, I think we both need someone who shares our drinking habits, or he at least should be with someone who can look past his ridiculous behaviour. I haven't even gotten started on the continual Quidditch conversation, I mean I know he loves the daft sport and I have no problem with that, it's just the fact that he expects me to be as into it as he is and its seems to be that everything we do is somehow Quidditch related. Take the other week for example, we went for a walk in the countryside and I thought that maybe, maybe this was him becoming slightly more romantic, or grown up or whatever you want to call it. But no, apparently we were going to the sight of the first ever Quidditch match the Cannons played. This isn't a relationship, it's a Quidditch history lesson and surely it says something if even I have lost interest in it?
We have stopped fighting all the time, which if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said was a good thing, but it's like if we're not fighting we don't really communicate - which I suppose just goes back to me being socially challenged - I mean we talk but we don't really say anything meaningful. Did that make any sense? I have no idea I'm getting so confused I'm even tying my thoughts in knots - and apparently rhyming whilst I'm at it.
I can't possibly tell him all this though, not if I want to stay friends with him which I do. It may seem ironic to most people that I can complain about him so much and still want to be friends but if we can somehow manage to go back to the way we were before seventh year then I would be happy. He still means a lot to me, especially after everything we've gone through together. I'm not holding out much hope though; knowing Ron he'll probably storm out in one of his sulks; did I mention those?
Which takes me back to the whole issue of what to say to him. I practiced for so long in the mirror the other day that I gave myself a sore throat, and he nearly caught me when he came in - after a night at the pub with Seamus, Dean and Harry might I add - I had to say I was on the phone to Mum just because it was something I knew he wouldn't ask about because he still doesn't understand the whole concept of phones. How do you tell someone it's over? They should teach a class on this at Hogwarts, or maybe I should have just listened to Lavender and Parvati more - wow that is something I never ever thought I would think, ever.
Ron the thing is I just don't love you anymore. Too harsh? Or is straight to the point better? The thing is I don't even know if it's entirely truthful, not the bit about not loving him, the anymore part. If I'm honest I'm not sure I ever did really. I mean I do but not… that way… or not enough… or - Merlin why can't I think in a straight line. Why can't this be nice and simple like working out a problem in a book? There's a tiny voice in my head that really wants to answer this: books don't speak back. Well thanks for pointing that out midget brain voice, now please go away and stop distracting me from the task at hand. The task at hand… Oops, in all this internal questioning and panicking I have sort of forgotten that he is still staring at me, the confusion in his face replaced by blatant concern that I have gone utterly insane.
"Hermione are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, I'm… fine." Classy response there Granger, really showed off the old vocabulary with that one. Get a grip girl; say something to the poor boy.
"Ron… I've been thinking…" We've grown apart these last few months, we've become very different people to the ones we were in seventh year and the world we live in is very different. We have a future and I'm not sure if we both want to spend it in the same way. Say it! Just spit it out and get it over with, it's like ripping off a plaster the faster you do it the - actually that's the worst metaphor ever, Mum used to say that when I was little and no matter how fast I tore the stupid things off it still hurt like hell. Just… get it over with.
"Ron you remember last week?" What? Where did that come from? This is the worst possible moment for my tongue to take on a life of its own, why do I gang up on myself like this. That tiny person in my head really wants to slap me right now… I am absolutely insane; this train of thought has to be stopped right now.
"What?" He's doing the confused face again, and I've just noticed he's got this really annoying smudgy mark under his left eye which is just going to get on my nerves until the end of the conversation. I'm such a nerd!
"Last Thursday." I couldn't be anymore cryptic if I tried, if my tongue is going to highjack this conversation it could at least have the decency to make sense.
"Oh." He looks sheepish. Why does he look sheepish? Actually I've never understood that expression either, what are sheep supposed to look like? Off topic again; my brain is clearly adopting advanced delaying tactics here. Concentrate. Why does he look shee - embarrassed?
"Is this about the socks?" Socks? What have socks got to do with the price of quills? Did anyone mention socks? I certainly never mentioned socks. How can he be thinking about socks at a time like this?
"What?"
"The socks… that I left in your bath." Wait… what?
"You left socks in my bath?" Why would a person do that? Socks… bath… why? When was he in my flat on Thursday to leave socks in the bath anyway?
"Before we went out I nipped up to your flat to use the loo and I…" He just ran his fingers through his hair again, I think it's a habit he picked up from Harry, but whereas it makes Harry - well let's just say it makes Ron look as though he's stuck his finger in a plug.
"I made a small - very small - detour to the kitchen and there was this apple crumble in your fridge and I just thought I would..." Food. Typical. "Anyway I dropped it on my socks and I managed to clean up the floor, but you know how useless I am when it comes to clothes and fabric-y stuff. So I thought if I could wash them -"
"So you put them in the bath?" I really need to concentrate on keeping my eyebrows level, one of them has this awful habit of travelling up my face of its own volition whenever something annoys me or I'm sceptical about something. It's terrible because it makes it really difficult to hide what I'm thinking. Why does he always do stupid -? You're digressing again Hermione. "Ok never mind about the socks. This isn't about the socks." Why would I have said I wanted to meet him to speak about socks?
"Oh right… what's wrong then?"
How did we get onto this conversation again…? Oh last Thursday… right. "After we went out do you remember asking me why I was so quiet?" Well that's it then, I've started the conversation I can't stop now.
"Erm… not really I got a bit sloshed that night Hermione, it's all a bit of a blur. Was this in Harry's kitchen? I remember being in the kitchen… I think." Honestly I feel like smashing my head repeatedly off the table in front of me. This is exactly what I was talking about earlier. We go out to a party and he gets drunk and doesn't remember most of it. Well at least this makes me feel slightly more justified in what I'm about to do if not any better about it.
"Yeah, you asked me why I was being so quiet… well it was because… because I was thinking about something and I wanted to talk to you about it." It's over. They're only two words just get them out there for Merlin's sake! You've run through all the scenarios in your head, you're prepared for this. He'll either accept it calmly and have a rational conversation like the adults you actually are - I know it's Ron but miracles do happen - he might break down in tears and you'll have to consol him or he'll want to be left alone, or the third option - and I fear this is the more likely - he'll throw a fit and shout and storm out.
Of course the problem is that in all of these scenarios I never actually tell him the one most important truth. I'm in love with his best friend. Our best friend. It's not something I planned or counted on happening, in fact I actively tried to stop it once I was aware of it, but by then it was too late. To be frank I think it's always been too late, I've been in love with Harry since almost as long as I can remember. There… I finally admitted it to myself. I am in love with Harry James Potter. Not that I would or could do anything about it. He's happily shacked up with Ginny, they're getting married for goodness sake, and besides it would devastate Ron if anything happened between the two of us - Harry told me what the locket horcrux showed him three years ago.
But I can't get him out of my head, every time I'm with him it's like the sun coming out on a rainy day - Merlin where did that come from? I've never been the poetic sort and I can see why, that metaphor was terrible - and ridiculously cheesy to boot. But you get the point. If we're in the same room I'm always aware of where he is and what he's doing and if we're apart I'm always wondering what he's doing and how he is. I should probably just hang a sign saying obsessed stalker around my neck and be done with it. I have thought about just going away somewhere and not coming back until I'm well and truly over him but that seems too much like running away and I've never been one for doing that. The only way to tackle problems is head on. Ha - that's a laugh, what do you call what you're doing now then Granger? This is definitely not tackling things, if anything it's textbook avoidance. Deep breath, go on.
"Ron I don't think it's working between us." My stomach feels as though someone just decided to use it as a football - why did I have that toast for breakfast this morning? He's just staring at me again, except this time as well as confusion there's a wounded look in his eyes too. I hate this.
"What… what do you mean?"
I'm a terrible person, a terrible person, terrible, terrible, terrible. How can I do this to him?
"This relationship… we're not the same anymore… maybe we're better as friends?" That was a wonderfully cohesive sentence there Hermione, you can really tell they don't teach English at Hogwarts. He's gone really pale; maybe he's about to be sick? Merlin knows I am.
"You're breaking up with me?" I feel my face wince at his words, why does my body always betray me? I have to be strong… I can do this, people do it all the time. Not to their best friends. Shut up tiny voice! Right, now I'm arguing with myself too. Fantastic.
"Y - yes." He shrinks away from the hand I reach out to his arm. "Ron I still want to be friends, please let me explain I - Ron?" Why is he getting up? Where's he going? This wasn't in any of the scenarios.
"Right… ok." Ok? He's ok? He doesn't look it. "I might see you later Hermione." And he's gone, out the door and into the swirling snow and I didn't even get a chance to go through any of the explanations I had planned. Ten years as friends and three as a couple and he walks away without wanting to know why I'm ending it? Should I go after him? It might make things worse, I don't know what to say that might make him feel any better; I don't think there's anything I can say, besides I think my legs might have stopped working they feel frozen to the seat. Perhaps I should just - what was that?
Oh. It's the mobile phone my parents gave me for my last birthday in case of emergencies. I think if anything were to happen to me a mobile wouldn't really be of much use, not in the world I live in, but their heart's in the right place. Besides most of the people I know and work with don't even know how to use a phone, which means that this can only be one of a handful of people. It's probably Mum wanting to know if I can come round for Sunday lunch or something. Where is the stupid thing? Why do I have so much clutter in my bag? I really need to clean it out. There's a cinema ticket and everything still in here; I haven't been to the cinema in months. Ah here it is! Why do they make these caller display screens so hard to read? Maybe I just need glasses; too many nights reading by candlelight.
Right… great… of all the worst possible - inopportune - moments. Should I just leave it to ring out? Would that be childish? Come on Hermione, we're tackling things head on remember? I press the accept button and raise the phone to my ear trying to control the shaking in my hand.
"Hi Harry."
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