Title: Between The Shadow and The Soul
By: Gryffindor Girl
Rating: R
Genre: UST, Angst, Thriller, Action
Disclaimer: Harry Potter & its characters belong to JK Rowling, this is just a piece of fanfiction. Some characters and settings used are created by me.
Words: 4,900 of 35,000 total (approx)
For: Lady Bluestar and her request prompt: Duelling, serious or playful.
Summary: When Hermione tries to discover where Harry is going at nights, she finds much more than she bargained for.
Warnings: Low grade violence, non explicit sex, swears, poss infidelity.
CHAPTER FIVE
My sleep is fitful.
I keep dreaming of running, fighting, and flashes of light. Not knowing where I am, not knowing where Harry is. For the first time in a long time, I dream of the days we spent in the tent hunting Horcruxes and the final battle and I dream of funerals.
I wake with dried tears on my face and the sun high in the sky overhead - streaming down on me through the windows. I sit up, feeling immediately anxious and not knowing why.
The room is still, and Harry isn't anywhere to be seen. I glance down; I'm wearing a singlet now, and a pair of Harry's pyjama bottoms and the golden blanket is gone. I glance over to the bedside table, there's a covered tray of food and a glass of something to drink.
I put a hand cautiously on my stomach; in the place where I'd felt so much pain the night before. It feels slightly tender, but not painful - I gather the singlet up to look at the skin underneath.
It's smooth and unmarked, if a little pink. I grab for my arm quickly, looking hard for some sign of the wound made there the night before but it's the same. Smooth and unmarked, just a little pink.
I draw in a deep breath and take stock of my whole body. I'm sore - my muscles are a little achy, but nothing too bad. I think about how I was naked earlier and how I might've got that way. And who dressed me now.
I lie back into the soft pillows.
It had to have been Harry. I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed or grateful about that.
"How're you feeling?"
His voice startles me. I sit up, and spy him as he closes the door to the room. He whispers an enchantment over the door handle and I wonder for the first time if I'm the only person to have seen this room.
"Better, thanks. Much better."
He walks over and hands me a steaming mug as he sits down on the bed. His hair is wet and he smells freshly showered.
"Here, this will help."
I take the draught and sip it slowly, trying to ignore him watching me. He's in a black singlet and he's still wearing the bandage around his arm. I gesture to it.
"What about you? How's the arm?"
"Good as new."
I frown at him, not convinced. "Show me."
"What?"
"Let me have a look for you."
"It's fine..."
But I've already placed my mug on the table and am unravelling the bandage gently from his arm. Even though I'm careful, he flinches slightly and so I'm not so surprised by what I find.
A bright red, raised welt cuts across his bicep; I realise it's exactly where the fiery ropes lashed across him last night. My heart lurches.
"Harry...you should have told me..."
"It's really fine, I mean it..."
I ignore him and scoot closer, grabbing his singlet and pushing it up to reveal his stomach. He continues to protest but it's just as I feared - the welts cut across his abdomen; one across his chest and the other just above his navel. I shake my head.
"Oh, Harry."
He holds still, putting up with my inspection.
I lift a finger and trace one of the welts delicately, feeling unbearably guilty. I'm not even thinking about the way I'm touching him - more that he's forever scarred now and it's all my fault; he was too focused on looking after me. I speak without thinking.
"You should have gotten under the blanket with me."
I finish tracing the line that continues across his ribs and looks like it leads further around to his back. I look back up into his face and he's watching me, frowning slightly. I realise suddenly what I just said and I draw my hand away. He bites his lip and watches me for a moment and I realise how close we are.
"I thought about it. I figured, it might not be a good idea."
Just the way he says it sends warmth spiralling through my body, starting in my stomach and spreading lower, right down my legs. I think it's why I look into his eyes when I know I shouldn't.
The eyes are familiar but the expression in them isn't. He studies me; I watch his gaze travel over my face and end at my lips.
"Master."
Kreacher appears suddenly at my side and I literally jump back away from Harry, gripping the blankets tightly to me. I don't see what Harry's reaction is, I just hear him clear his throat before answering.
"Kreacher."
"Miss Weasley. She waits in the kitchen. She refuses to leave."
Harry leans forward on his knees, pushing his fingers into his hair.
"Fuck. Alright - I'll be there in a minute."
Kreacher leaves with a gentle pop and we sit there, motionless. I finally lie back into the mattress, away from Harry.
After a moment I hear him get up and snatch a t-shirt off the chair by the bed. Then I follow the sound of his footsteps as he walks down the stairs to the door and the quiet click as it closes behind him.
*
I think about leaving, but I'm still weak and exhausted. I can't stomach any food and I fall to sleep again quickly. When I wake, it's dark and there's a fresh tray there. I look around and there's no sign that Harry's been back.
Kreacher appears with a soft crack. He goes about his tidying for a bit while I just lay there watching. When he picks up the tray and tries to pass it to me, I ask him.
"Kreacher, where's Harry?"
The house elf pushes the tray towards me and so I sit up and uncover it, hoping he'll start speaking if I start eating.
"He is gone for the night Miss Granger. He is with Miss Weasley."
I feel his words like a slap to my face. I keep my eyes on my food and try to ignore how difficult it's become to chew.
Kreacher doesn't comment further and he leaves shortly after. I push the food away - what little appetite I'd had was just erased by Kreacher's revelation.
Of course he's with Ginny. Ginny is his girlfriend. When did that particular information seem to leak out of my memory?
I fall back into the bed again, pressing my palms to my forehead. My mind whirls for a moment, trying to make sense of everything.
I make a decision.
Throwing off the blankets I swing my legs off the bed. I'm just a little woozy but I'm pleased to see that I'm fairly stable. I make my way to the bathroom, intent on getting my clothes.
I'm going home.
*
I try not to think about him for the whole of the next day.
I couldn't stay at home; being idle was driving me spare. Besides, now my parents live mainly in Australia, I feel like I'm just rattling around their big house here, now that I have it all to myself. So, although I was still a bit shaky on my feet, I decide to go back to work for the day.
I thought it might help take my mind off things as well.
It was almost working - I hadn't thought of the day before for a few hours, and work was busy; people were coming in with questions and Ron had called and asked me to dinner and it was, for a moment, as if I hadn't even been gone. As if none of the craziness of the last week had happened - as if it was just a bizarre dream. For just a few hours, it gets buried, in the normality of reports and workmates queries and memos flying in through my office door.
So when I see him, in the middle of the lunchroom, it jolts me. Like a bubble being popped, I'm jerked out of the reality I've constructed today, just with one look at him.
He's standing there, looking hugely out of place; in kind of scruffy muggle clothes - faded jeans and a black t-shirt under his black jacket. He looks far too casual for work; and some Ministry employees eye him curiously as they pass. I notice he's standing next to Ginny at exactly the same moment that she looks up and sees me. She smiles and waves and I paste on a smile and force my feet to take me over to them.
"Hermione! You're back!"
I nod weakly, unable to look at Harry. He turns to look at me as I embrace Ginny but I can't even glance at him.
"Mmm, back yesterday. How are you?"
"Great! Have lunch with us?"
I turn and wave at the cabinets lined with sandwiches.
"Oh...No, I'm fine, I'm just going to grab something and head back to my office..."
Ginny has turned and is waving at two young witches in Aurors robes who are approaching and so I trail off. As she loops her arms around one of Harry's and starts to talk to them, and I'm just about to turn on my heel and leave, Harry disentangles himself and steps up to me.
"Where'd you get to?"
He's staring at me intently, his hand just inches from my arm and I can tell he wants to grasp hold of me.
Suddenly I feel like a fool, just taking off like that last night. I shrug.
"Kreacher said you'd be out all night. I figured I'd give you some space."
He frowns at me and then glances at Ginny who's still deep in conversation but is throwing looks in our directions.
"Practice tonight."
"I can't..."
"Tomorrow."
"Alright."
"Hogs Head - six o'clock."
I just nod because Ginny has turned back around and is looking from me to Harry and back again. I notice her eyes slide down to the leather band around my wrist and then glance quickly at Harry's.
"Everything okay?"
I nod and smile with the same fake smile that's starting to make my face ache. Harry's face is stony and so I answer.
"Fine, we're just working on a case together."
Ginny responds with a fake smile of her own.
"Merlin, you're not back a few hours and they're working you too hard again, Harry."
He shrugs and I feel an insane urge to drag him away from here. I stretch my smile wider.
"No rest for the wicked I suppose." I take a few steps back before turning. "I'll see you guys later."
As expected, Ginny pops in to see me in the afternoon. She launches straight into it, doesn't even bother with niceties.
"Did you find out anything?"
I shake my head, pushing down my irritation which seems to be threatening to overwhelm my guilt now.
"He's just busy, Ginny."
She pulls out a chair and sits in it, staring at the ceiling.
"Maybe." She hesitates and I go back to the report in front of me. "He came and stayed with me last night you know."
I keep my eyes fixed on the parchment, determined not to let her see the impact her words have had. I shrug and answer without looking up.
"Great."
"Yeah. He's going through some stuff but...I think he's coming right."
I shrug again. She watches me for a moment and then gets up to leave.
"You're going to dinner with Ron tonight?"
I nod, even though the idea is starting to fill me with dread.
"Well. Have fun."
Something in her smile is a little strange but I wave it off.
Work fills up the rest of my day nicely so that five o'clock rolls around before I know it. I apparate home and have a long, hot shower, thinking as I stand with my eyes closed, letting the water flow over my face.
Everything went well today. Work felt like a good dose of normality and even though I feel like my life has been turned inside out, no one seems to suspect anything is amiss. In the brief contact I had with Ron in the morning he seems fine and even Ginny and Harry seem back on track and content.
So why do I feel like shit?
I turn the shower off and summon a towel into the still-warm shower cubicle.
It's the curse, I reason. It hangs over my head like a guillotine ready to drop and there's nothing rational I can do about it. It irks me that I haven't yet figured out how to get us out of this situation.
It certainly is not anything to do with my disappointment that Harry spent the night with Ginny.
I hold still for a moment, and then press the towel into my face and mutter to myself.
"Pretty shitty lie if even you don't believe it Granger."
I slam the shower door shut and go to get ready for dinner with Ron.
*
"So, I think they're going to offer me a contract!!"
I try really hard to muster up an enthusiastic smile.
"That's great, Ron - I'm really happy for you."
He nods eagerly. I look around for the waitress bringing the drinks, trying not to look desperate. He clears his throat and then I feel his hands closing over mine. I glance back around to him, trying to resist the urge to pull my hands out of his grip.
"So...I've been thinking. About what I want."
I finally pay attention to the look in his eyes. My heart drops to my stomach.
"Ron..."
"Just, let me finish."
I feel like apparating on the spot - I almost do, my every body cell is screaming so hard to leave. Then he does exactly what I'm dreading; scraps his chair back and crouches down beside our table, still grasping my hands. I look down and see he's on one knee at the same time that half the restaurant notices.
"Ron...get up.."
"I can see my life ahead of me now, 'Mione. I couldn't before. And so now, I want to ask you to be a permanent part of it."
A loud ringing starts in my ears. I glance around; several diners are smiling sweetly at us and our waitress is standing there with our tray of drinks and a smug grin on. I get an intense urge to grab one of those drinks and down it in one.
"Ron..."
"Will you marry me, Hermione?"
His eyes are wide and earnest. The ringing in my ears gets louder.
"Ron...I...."
"Not right now...I know. Just...I wanna know that you do want to..eventually. "
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see we have the attention of the whole restaurant now. I could hex Ron into oblivion.
"This is really sudden. I just....I need time to think about it."
His smile falters only slightly before he pulls it wider.
"That's enough of a yes for me."
He reaches forward and kisses me, and I wrap him in a quick hug, mainly to hide from the diners who are all clapping for us now.
"Let's celebrate!"
*
I don't believe this mess I'm in.
I lean against the door of my house, my face buried in my hands. It had felt like a long, drawn out day rather than a few hours since Ron had made his proposal. I'd suffered through a dinner I could barely stomach, dessert and a long goodbye at the door.
I should've told him. I should've fought with him and asked how dare he put me in that position.
I just didn't have the energy. Nothing in me had the inclination or the desire to get into an argument with Ron.
"That says it all, doesn't it."
And I'm talking to myself again. I push away from the wall and stand straight.
I've got to get out of here.
I apparate without thinking.
*
"Miss Granger."
"Kreacher."
He doesn't seem surprised to see me. Not nearly as surprised as I am to find that against any rational thought, I've apparated to Grimmauld. I glance around the kitchen.
"Is Harry here?"
"He is in the top room."
"Oh."
Now I'm here, I wonder if I should leave. Kreacher speaks again.
"He is alone."
I glance back around to the house elf but he's shuffling out of the room already. I mutter my thanks to his disappearing back.
I climb the stairs, enjoying the familiar dank smell of the house. When I get to the door of the room, I pause, my palms braced against the heavy wood. Inside I can just make out some sort of repetitive thumping.
I'm contemplating leaving when the door opens.
Harry stands there, holding it ajar. His hands are wrapped in black material and he's breathing hard, as if he's just been running, wearing black tracksuit pants and his chest is bare. He looks me up and down and then into the hallway behind me.
"Are you alright?"
I nod, feeling the relief at being there washing through me. He looks at me a bit longer and then steps back from the door.
"Come in."
I walk past him and into the familiar room. It's lit by lamplight and there's a new addition; a punching bag is hanging in the corner by the weights bench. When I turn back around to him, he's unwinding the material from around his hands and wrists. I study him while he concentrates on his task. It's then that I realise that coming here was probably a bad idea.
"I should really go."
The words are out before I think about them. He looks up at me, frowning.
"You just got here."
"I know. But...you look busy."
He removes the final piece of wrapping from his left hand and walks towards me. Chucking the material on the ground under the punching bag, he shrugs.
"What's happened?"
I find myself unable to answer, suddenly almost on the verge of tears. I stare steadfastly at my feet and shake my head.
Thankfully, he doesn't need any more than that.
"Look, wait here. I've just gotta shower and I'll have Kreacher bring up something to drink." He bends to catch my eye and smiles crookedly. "You look like you could use one."
I nod numbly. He puts his hand on my shoulder briefly and then he leaves.
When he's gone, I walk to the bed, perching on its edge, even though all I want to do is fall into it and sleep. Kreacher appears immediately with a large bottle of Firewhisky and a couple of shot glasses. I smile at that, because it's just what I need, but I'll wait for Harry to have a drink.
He comes back quickly - and fully dressed, thankfully. Without a word he comes and joins me on the bed and pours Firewhiskey into both small glasses, handing me one and clinking his own against it. We both down the fiery liquid in one - my face screwing up against the burn as it travels down my throat. Instantly the warmth flows through me and I do feel better.
Harry pours another one straight away and we repeat the ritual again without speaking. We both put our glasses back on the tray. He runs his hand through his wet hair and I catch sight of the welt across his arm, still red and angry. I shake my head.
"I'm going to get you something for that."
He ignores me, just sitting there and waiting. I know he deserves an explanation, but now it feels like the last thing I want to give him. I start to pour more Firewhiskey because I'm fairly sure I'm going to need it.
"Ron asked me to marry him."
To his credit, he doesn't look as surprised as I feel. He runs a hand over his face and then accepts the drink I give him.
"And I take it you weren't expecting that."
"No!" Suddenly he's Harry again; my friend who I've never felt uncomfortable around, not one day in my life. "I wasn't. I don't know what he was thinking"
"So you said no?"
I turn, realisation dawning as I look at him.
"Well...not really..."
He raises his eyebrows at me, suppressing a smile.
I stare at him, feeling stupid. "Shit."
He laughs. "Yeah."
I throw back my drink. "Shit. Shit, shit."
Harry scratches his hair and then leans on his hand.
"You don't want to marry him?"
I stand up, suddenly unable to keep still. "I don't want to marry anyone! I'm only barely out of school! I don't want the pressure of a wedding...my careers only just starting...not to mention the pressure to have kids and I don't..."
Harry stands up and grabs me gently by the shoulders.
"Hey. Calm down."
I stop; trying to focus on his steady gaze. He contemplates me for a moment and then turns and heads to the chair by his bed. He grabs the jacket hanging over the back of it and walks back.
"Let's get out of here."
I frown up at him; confused. "What?"
He turns me to start walking to the door. "Let's go and have a drink. Blow off some steam. We both need it."
My feet start following. He picks up my handbag that I've left by the door and hands it to me. I think he realises that I'm going along with this before I do.
"Where will we go?"
He smiles and grips my arm, pulling me in tight against him. I hear his answer as we start to apparate.
"Anywhere."
*
The low thump of the bass vibrates through my chest; thrumming through my whole body. It's so loud, I can't hear myself think, and I realise then, that was exactly the idea.
Harry elbows his way through the last few people in his journey from the bar and hands me a short glass filled with a drink I don't recognise. I try and make out what it is but it's impossible in this low light, punctuated only by sharp shafts of coloured light flashing through the dark club. He clanks his against mine and I take that as my cue; tipping my head back to empty the contents down my throat.
"Whoa..easy." He yells to be heard; grabbing my glass from my lips and helping me right it. "It's not Firewhiskey. You just sip it."
"Oh." The liquid that I've already swallowed leaves a fiery trail down my throat. He smiles at me and then looks out to watch the heaving crowd.
I've been to a few muggle clubs, but none this busy. It's four different levels just in this one room; and there's three rooms like this in the whole place. I watch Harry as he watches the sea of bodies swell and pulse and wonder if he's been here many times before and if so, who with. He catches me watching and leans down to my ear to speak.
"Alright?"
I nod and raise my glass to show him I like the drink. And then I realise I am alright. The music pushes through my ears as the muggle alcohol shifts through my veins and I take my first deep breath of the day. Harry smiles at me again and I feel like I don't want to be anywhere else but here.
*
I make friends in the bathroom, a group of muggle girls who like my hair. And surprisingly I find that their giggling and inane talk of clothes and lads is exactly the kind of frivolous company I want. When we go back out into the club, I go dancing with them, after waving out to Harry. He nods at me and motions to the bar; to say he's getting us another drink I guess.
One of my new friends - I think her name is Terri - pulls me close to speak loudly in my ear.
"Who's that?"
"Harry. He's my best friend."
She follows him with her eyes over my shoulder.
"He's fit! You're not seeing him?"
I shake my head. "He's got a girlfriend though."
Terri dismisses my comment with a wave of her hand. "Not tonight!" She smiles at me and loops her arm through mine, tugging me to the dance floor.
"Come on!"
*
I find my way back to him, falling in to the sanctuary of his corner of the bar. He smiles at me and passes me a drink. I take a large gulp.
"Having fun?"
Swallowing, I nod. "Yes!! So much fun!" I grab him in an impulsive hug. "Thank you, Harry - really, I mean it. I needed this."
He tucks a curl behind my ear - escaped from the ponytail I put it in about an hour or so ago. I'm sweaty and in a shoestring singlet that I'd never usually wear as a top but it's so damn hot in here, I had to strip off a few layers.
"That's good."
His eyes wander over me and I'm not too drunk to notice that.
"Yeah."
He hasn't looked away and my stomach completes a slow and lazy flip.
Terri and one of the other girls appear at my shoulder. I turn to look at her as she smiles flirtatiously at Harry.
"Hey. Do you wanna dance?"
I turn back to see his reaction. He smiles and shakes his head.
"I don't dance." I remember the Yule Ball suddenly and it makes me laugh. Ron in those ridiculous robes...
"So you drink then? What are you having?"
I miss the rest of their conversation; she steps closer and speaks with her lips near his ear.
Time passes in a blur of drinks and dancing and hilarious conversation with my new friends that I forget instantly after it occurs. But it's fantastic; just...fun. It makes everything seem far away; Ron and the horrendous proposal, Ginny and her pestering, The Den. Aberforth and his criticism. When I think about his comments about me now, it just makes me laugh.
"You alright - sitting there laughing to yourself?"
I smile up at Harry, his face is kinda close.
"I was thinking about Aberforth. How obsessed he is with my hair."
He laughs. "He's a little over the top about it, yeah."
I find that hysterically funny. He grins at me as I lean off my bar stool laughing, and then glances down at my arm. I feel his warm finger on my skin as he drags my strap back up to sit on my shoulder. He straightens me up to sit again and I realise then that he's standing between my legs. It sobers me a little and I try and muster a solemn expression.
"When did everything get so crazy, Harry? Are we ever going to get a shot at normal?"
He glances around and then leans close to my ear to be heard, his hands resting on my knees.
"You're a witch and I'm a wizard. Normal was never really an option."
I nod, smiling and turn to him. His jaw is right by my temple and then he draws back further and his lips are close.
I can see enough of his face to see that his smile drops gradually. I study his mouth, lips slightly parted, his breath a little shallow. My face tilts up towards him, as if of its own accord and then his hand moves from my knee to my thigh.
I guess if I hadn't had so much to drink, I would have some control. I'd say something sensible, or look away or laugh or something. As it is, the music is pounding through my skull and I can't think of anything but how close he is and how it's making me feel as if I'm on fire.
His face tips down just a fraction and it seems that's all I need. I move my mouth up the inch necessary to meet his.
His lips are warm against mine; he hesitates for a split second. Then he reacts; his palm flattening against the outside of my thigh, and moving up to my hip. His lips open and I respond embarrassingly quickly; my tongue darting out to taste his. His other hand comes up and grasps my jaw, his mouth moving against mine so that I'm lightheaded - I don't know anything but wanting to get closer to him. My hands grasp his shirt and I forget entirely where I am.
"Woooooohoo!!!"
A loud shriek near my ear bursts into my reality; I break away from his lips and turn towards it. Terri and two of her friends are grinning at us, their arms around each other, swaying on their feet. Terri points at us with the hand that holds her bottle.
"Yooou two! I knew it! I knew you were shagging!!"
I stare at her in shock and the embarrassment, gripping Harry's shirt and turning my face into his chest. I feel his hand on my back and his chest rumble as I think he laughs too. They weave away and his hands come up to cup my face and bring it to him. I focus on his eyes as he speaks.
"Let's get out of here."
I nod, and let him turn and lead me through the crowd.
*