A/N: I own nothing you recognize. I came up with the Owl Man idea on Seel'vor's yahoo group. Thanks to the group for help in polishing some ideas. Please don't take this too seriously. I'm trying for over-the-top, campy, and clichéd. Hopefully you'll find it funny.
Special thanks to Chris Dee who gave the world a strong, sexy, and fascinating view of Catwoman. Directly and indirectly, she is largely responsible for how I characterize Kneazle Woman.
A/N Succinct version: Hated Jo's ending, my Hermione's middle name is Jane, dislike several Weasleys, and Harry and Hermione are fated in my opinion.
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xX-Special Note: Hermione's middle name is Jane in my stories.-Xx
-Headlines from the Gothic Gazette: Hogwart's Best and Only Publication-
-Extra, extra, read all about it! Owl Man wages one wizard war against crime!
-Sprout Overjoyed! Owl Man saves entire nursery of mandrakes from Magical Weasels! Ron Weasley Hospitalized.
-Exclusive! Owl Man uncovers Hufflepuff conspiracy to breed new race of sparkle vampires!
-Earlier-
"Harry?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Can I borrow your Dad's map for a bit? We learned some fascinating new uses for runes today and I think the map may be powered by the same techniques. I'd really like to find out for sure."
He looked at her oddly for a second. "And you won't hurt the map, right?"
"I promise I won't, Girl Guide's honor."
He withdrew the map from his school bag and handed it to her. "Right then, have fun."
She smiled brightly and his heart skipped a beat. "Thanks, Harry. I'll return it just as soon as I'm done."
-Later-
"Stop right there! Drop the - wait just a minute. Who are you and what kind of costume is that?" Owl Man stood absolutely gobsmacked in the doorway as his eyes were riveted on the girl holding the House Cup and wearing a skintight costume, a mask and what looked like cat ears.
She smirked and began sauntering closer to him, her curly black hair covering her shoulders and outlining her young, lithe body.
Staring at her costumed body from head to toe, suddenly, his own costume started feeling very warm and tight. He could have sworn he had heard her purr. Oh yes, it was beginning to feel very tight just a bit further down.
Coming to halt just a meter in front of The Night Terror of Justice, the costumed girl struck a confident pose and balanced the trophy on her outstretched palm. "The name's Kneazle Woman, Owl Man, and I am the greatest cat burgler Hogwart's has ever known!" Then she started to laugh in a strange high pitched sort of way while covering her mouth with the back side of her other hand. "Ohh, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho. Ohh, Ho, Ho, H- *achem* Sorry about that, It's the costume mostly, but the laugh is so much fun!"
Chocolaty brown eyes met emerald green and the Owl Man could feel a drop of sweat drip down from his magically whitened hair. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest and he seemed to be finding it very difficult to swallow...
Laughing done with, Kneazle Woman withdrew a whip made of yarn and gave it a flick once then twice.
Odd, he thought. My feet are cold. Immediately, the feathered crusader jumped out of the way. At least, that was the plan. He found his feet had been covered with ice and frozen together. He ended up landing jarringly on the stone floor.
"Ha-I mean-Owl Man!" gasped Kneazle Woman and she rushed to his side, seemingly intent on rolling him onto his back to check him for injury. But before her hands touched him, she stopped and then backed away so quickly that she landed on her backside. "Omph" she said as she landed.
With a groan, the Feathered Wing of Justice rolled slightly to his side. His feet were still solidly frozen together and he couldn't quite manage to stand yet. "What exactly did you do to me?"
She shrugged and replied, "Freezing charm on your feet when you were distracted by the whip. The trophy hid my wand until I had your focus elsewhere and I whispered the spell" she explained.
The authoritative tone struck a chord in the young wizard, but he couldn't quite place it. "Clever girl..."
"Thank you. Now, are you alright?"
Struck by how odd it was that an enemy would be worried about his well-being, he responded absently, "Well enough, I suppose.
"Good." She stood up and made a dash for the door. Before she slipped through, she turned back and called back to him. "Don't forget to have Madame Pomfrey look you over. Frostbite can be painful." Then, she was gone.
Staring longingly after her legs, Harry wished all his enemies were as kind and nice to look at. Shaking his head as he focused himself back in the game, he finally remembered an appropriate heating spell to thaw his feat. Hoping he wouldn't cook his toes off, he cast and minutes later he was racing down the halls With the Marauder's map to head her off. Curious. She appears to be heading to the Library... Ducking behind a tapestry, he made use of a particularly convenient shortcut and found himself in at the Library doors. He entered.
"You should know that I do not take kindly to vigilantes starting fights in my Library, nor do I appreciate any disturbances that may damage even one of our priceless tomes."
"It's perfectly all right, Madame Pince. Acting Headmaster Lockhart fully supports my crime fighting endeavors."
Madame Pince merely scoffed at the notion. "Be that as it may, this is still my Library. Harm but a single book and I will alert Acting Deputy Snape myself. Do not force my hand, young man."
"I'm just going to go over here now and with great caution and care I will apprehend Kneazle Woman and recover her ill gotten gain." he said pointing to a seldom used area in the cavernous library."
"Don't forget, I've got my eye on you." Madame Pince turned up her nose at the masked teen and left to attend to her duties."
"Phew, I thought I'd really bought it there. Now, time to find my quarry." And with that, Harry Pot-err-Owl Man took off at a brisk walk until he was well away from Madame Pince's desk. He moved quickly and quietly through the shelves and stacks until he reached the area he'd last seen her on the map. Moving around one last book shelf, he leapt from out of the shadows with his arm out stretched pointing toward the figure sitting at the study table. "Return the-H-Hermione?" he stammered.
There at the study table sat Hermione Granger, casually flipping through a book of what appeared to be hair care charms. "Return me, Owl Man? Oh, whatever do you mean?"
"Uh... Huh. I could have sworn... On second thought, just forget everything I just said. I should have realized something was wrong when the map said Kneazle Woman instead of her actual name," he mused."
Looking confused, Hermione took on a humoring tone. "Ookay... Right. Well, I was going to say, not to shout in the library, but you're obviously a bit confused. So, I'll just get you next time." She stood up from her chair and inadvertently knocked over her book back which clanked oddly as it hit the stone floor. Hermione seemed to stiffen as she heard the sound. Suddenly, she was by his side and was pushing him back toward the Library entrance. "You should go. I think I heard Professor Snape heading this way. You know he doesn't like you, Ha-I mean-Owl Man. You need to stay free so you can protect us from - who did you say it was you were chasing again?
With a sigh, Harry Potter, who was also secretly The Owl Man: The Winged Spirit of Justice spoke her name with longing. "Kneazle Woman."
"Right, Kneazle Woman. You've got to take care of her the next time she steals a valuable Hogwarts treasure. Now, get going before you're caught," she said with a small smile.
Harry nodded to himself once and then dashed off in the darkness of the stacks. Before he disappeared from view, he heard Hermione say something about 'Pomfrey' and then he was gone."
Several long minutes later, a normal looking Harry Potter appeared in the same study area. It was nearing supper time and he knew that both he and Hermione enjoyed walking to meals together. She smiled brightly as she noticed him and she quickly placed her borrowed book on the nearby re-stocking trolley.
"Ready for some supper?" he asked casually.
"I'm absolutely famished. Shall we go?"
Nodding his agreement, he turned to begin walking back out of the Library. It was then that he noticed her book bag seemed larger and heavier than normal. Considering he wasn't carrying a bag and that hers seemed overly heavy, he offered to carry it for her as far as the Great Hall. Blushing, she hesitantly agreed.
"So, any news about when Ron will get out of the Infirmary?"
"I was just there. Apparently, Madame Pomfrey is having no luck with the red and gold coloring on his face. Who would have thought that anyone was a worse potions teacher than Snape."
"Well, we found out Lockhart was useless as a Defense teacher in second year. I'm not terribly surprised he was even more useless at potions. Pity we just happened to be the only class to win the privilege of being taught by Lockhart for the day."
"Who I really pity is Ron. I mean, he's still not right in the head. When I saw him, he kept talking to himself in the third person and apparently he's now calling himself Two-Mouths due to the accident. Let's hope he still only eats like he has one."
Hermione looked queasy at the thought. "Enough about him, let's just try to enjoy our meal."
-Even Later-
Thank you for the loan, Professor Flitwick.
"No problem at all, Miss Granger. It is a tad unorthodox, I will admit, but there is nothing forbidding a student from borrowing the House Cup to study. It is, after all, an important relic of the founders. Did you get everything you need from it?" he asked. His curiosity was evident on his face.
She nodded. "Yes professor. Everything turned out purrfectly." She smiled at her private in-joke.
"Very good, Miss Granger. Now, if there's nothing else, I have a veritable mountain of extra work to do since Professor McGonagall is still at Saint Mungo's."
"Actually, I was wondering if I might also borrow the sorting hat for a short while. The spellwork must be magnificent."
Flitwick looked thoughtful. "I don't see why not. I'll run it by the Acting-" and he paused there as if the thought was distasteful to him. "-Acting Headmaster. If he has no issues with it, then I will arrange a time and place for you to pick it up and inform you of the time and place."
"Thank you, sir."
"You're very welcome. Good day, Miss Granger."
-That night in the Common Room-
Harry walked through the portrait door into the empty common room. Noting the dim lighting and the absence of people, his gaze was immediately drawn to a head of curly brown hair with some light frizzing. Only one witch he knew had hair like that and despite her facing the fireplace and away from him, her presence brought a smile to his face. Walking up to the overstuffed sofa, he called out "What are you up to, Hermione?
Warm, dulcet tones replied with a hint of playfulness. "Playing with my kitty." She turned her head, a smoky smile on her face as she laid eyes upon him. "Want to pet my pussy?
*SPUTTER* "What did you just say?" was Harry's shocked response.
"I said I'm playing with Crookshanks and then I asked you if you wanted to pet him as well. Do we need to have Madame Pomfrey check your hearing now?" she answered in a matter-of-fact tone.
Mouth working, but no sound coming out, he finally took a deep breath and then with a straight face he answered back, "Right. Sorry. I must have had some water in my ears." With that misunderstanding taken care of, he rounded the sofa and sat down next to Hermione. He moved forward to scratch Crookshanks around the ears, but he gave a lazy meow and hopped off his mistress' lap to make his way back to her dorm.
"Sometimes I think he doesn't like me very much," Harry mumbled.
"Oh tosh, he likes you just fine. He hisses at most everyone else and he's always trying to tear Ron into ribbons. In comparison, I'd say you're his second favorite human."
Amused, Harry couldn't help but ask, "And that would make you his favorite human, then?"
"Of course! Why would you even need to ask, Harry?"
"Oh, no reason..."
"There was a reason, Harry; otherwise, you'd never have said it. Tell me?" Sometime during their conversation, Hermione had reached over and gently guided his head to face hers. Her hands were so very soft.
His eyes were pointed downwards as he didn't think he could NOT tell her if he got caught in her deep Chocolaty brown eyes. Wait just a moment... Chocolaty brown eyes... a half cat-half kneazle pet... intense and undeniable feelings for both... THE LIBRARY! His eyes shot up in astonishment. "Hermione... you-you're..."
Looking puzzled and oh so cute with her head slightly tilted to the side. Like a cat, came the unbidden thought. Harry didn't know what to say, so he swallowed and just gazed at her delicate features.
"I'm what, Harry?" she asked. Honestly puzzled at her best friend's behavior.
"Beautiful," he blurted.
"Aww... thanks, Harry" and she wrapped him in an impromptu hug.
Shocked at how perfect her arms felt around him and yet still struggling with the revelation that the two girls he fancied were really the same girl - and Kneazle Woman at that. He returned the hug.
Releasing the object of her affection, Hermione looked at him askance and casually mentioned, "I'm still waiting to hear why you asked about Crooks' favorite human?"
He was caught in her eyes and he couldn't help telling her the truth. "I was just thinking that it would be nice if I was someone's favorite human as well."
She smiled and actually giggled a bit at his answer. At the grumpy expression on his face, she leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "If it makes you feel any better, Harry. You're MY favorite human." She then gave him a light peck on the cheek and the excused herself before leaving for her dorm room.
Harry didn't move for several minutes as the night's various shocks has been a bit much for him. Finally after his brain restarted, he realized that Hermione-no-Kneazle Woman-no-Hermione - anyway, the girl he fancied appeared to fancy him back. To top it all off, she'd even kissed him. Granted, it was only a light kiss on the cheek, but that was his first. The thought of her lips on his skin sent pleasant shivers down his spine. Later, when he finally got to bed, his sleep was filled with VERY enjoyable dreams of smart and sexy catgirls trying to steal something from him - something that started with a V.
-Breaking News! Kneazle Woman steals House Cup! Owl Man helpless before feminine wiles.
End Note: Next time on The Adventures of Owl Man, the origin of The Jester. Oh, poor Draco...