A/N: Growing Up Granger chapters take a considerable amount of time and effort to research and write. I'm moving and changing jobs soon and I'm currently writing my own original novel. I promise I haven't forgotten about the story.
Chapter 5: Post-Mortem (II)
June/July 1998
Hours blended into days; days blended into weeks. Harry, Teddy, Ron, and Hermione had temporarily moved into 12 Grimmauld Place at the beginning of July to escape the madness that was Hogwarts post-Voldemort. The only other living being that had made an appearance at the musty old mansion was Kreacher, who would occasionally help Harry with whatever he needed when asked.
Harry had Teddy in his room-formerly his godfather's room-and had warded it against any noise escaping to prevent Teddy from waking Ron or Hermione during the middle of the night. Teddy actually slept fairly well for such a young child, so there were very few times when Harry was forced to sit with his godson in the wee hours of the night. Somehow, though, on the few occasions where he did, Hermione would soon join him and keep the two of them company. He hadn't asked her about it; he simply figured she had set his silencing charm with some kind of alarm to alert her when Teddy woke Harry up. Harry enjoyed the mostly silent company as he rocked, cooed, and cajoled Teddy back to sleep, so he did not say anything to Hermione about how she knew.
The fog of war had been replaced with a rather mundane haze of boredom and restlessness, which was only exacerbated by the dreams and nightmares all three members of the Golden Trio had most nights. Harry's were obviously the most anxiety-inducing, but Hermione had her fair share of horrid experiences to relive, as well. Harry wasn't exactly sure what Ron was dreaming about when the redhead had trouble sleeping, because he had never been completely open about it, but Harry thought they might have been related to Fred.
Teddy's presence helped prevent the grim, old place from becoming claustrophobic right away, but as the sleepy summer month of July dragged on, the walls began to close in on the Golden Trio. Not one of them had inquired seriously about employment, nor had they really made significant steps on the road to starting their adult lives, other than Harry taking in Teddy; they were just languishing, more or less, and it was beginning to wear on their already strained psyches.
One day late in July Harry needed to do something, if only to get out of the house and away from his awkwardly tense best friends for a few hours. That was another thing that had been bothering the Golden Boy: Ron and Hermione continued to dance around each other, prolonging what had already been happening for several years now. Despite their rather heated kiss during the Battle of Hogwarts, their relationship had gone precisely nowhere since then; the tension in the house, and it was not sexual tension, was slowly driving all three of them insane.
So after confirming with Hermione that he could safely tandem Apparate with Teddy, Harry popped up to the gates of Hogwarts with his godson. As he walked from the edge of the newly-repaired wards to the castle, he was greeted by several members of the on-going cleanup and restoration effort. The awe and respect with which they treated him made him slightly uncomfortable and nervous, so he didn't stay to chat with them. He walked directly to the Head's office through a castle that was already showing the first signs of significant repair. More people greeted him but he only acknowledged them briefly.
Before Harry could even ponder about not knowing the password, the gargoyle stepped aside for him and waved him past. Raising an eyebrow at the unexpected gesture, he shrugged and stepped onto the spiral stairs, which carried him up to the small landing in front of the door to the office. He knocked twice and waited.
"Enter," came a familiar Scottish burr. Harry opened the door and saw that McGonagall was sitting behind her desk, examining a mountain of parchment. He hoped this intrusion was not too unwelcome.
"Mr. Pot-Harry!" she said, upon seeing him. Her face lit with a rare smile. "What a pleasure this is." She stood and came around her desk. "And this must be your godson."
He nodded. "Do you want to hold him, Minerva?"
"I…I'd love to," she said, reaching out and taking the three month old infant. Teddy's large eyes stared up at the Headmistress. She made a rather maternal noise at the small child, surprising Harry for some reason, and then rocked him a bit. Harry watched this all, noting that her eyes welled up a bit.
"He looks healthy and happy, Harry," she said, staring down at Teddy.
"That's all I can ask for, really," Harry said, sighing. "I'm trying my best."
"Remus and Tonks couldn't have made a better choice," she told him. "I know this was somewhat unexpected and even perhaps a bit of an unwelcome burden, but I know you will be an extraordinary parent to Teddy." She had turned her eyes to his as she said the last.
"Th-thanks," Harry stammered, feeling quite warm at her words.
"Of course," she said, handing Teddy back to him. He settled the infant into his arms without a second thought. "So what brings you here today?" she asked, as she motioned toward a comfortable chair in front of her desk. As Harry moved toward it to sit down, he noticed that Dumbledore had been watching everything silently from his portrait. Their eyes met and Dumbledore gave him a small smile. Harry nodded in acknowledgement.
"Well…"
"What is it, Harry?"
"Honestly, I think I'm going a bit nutters," he admitted, laughing mirthlessly at himself for a moment and rubbing his face with his free hand. "I've been mostly shut in at Grimmauld Place for the past few weeks, and I think it's really getting to me. I'm at a bit of a loss about what I'm supposed to be doing now."
Minerva and, from the portrait behind her, Dumbledore considered Harry silently for several long moments. Teddy yawned and settled deeper in his arms. He would be asleep in no time.
"What you're `supposed' to be doing, Harry?" she queried.
"Well, you know, like get a job or get ready to come back to school, or whatever really."
"I think that both of those would be admirable endeavors," she told him, after considering for another moment. "But maybe, Harry, just maybe you deserve a little break from everything?" Dumbledore nodded behind her.
"How do you mean?"
"I cannot imagine how impossibly stressful the last year has been for you. That has not been good for your physical or mental health; anyone can see it. You are still under an incredible amount of strain even though you just vanquished the most evil dark lord of all time… Perhaps you should take some time off from the responsibilities of being the Boy Who Lived?"
He ran his free hand through his shaggy black hair. This was actually along the same lines his own thoughts had been taking him of late. His entire life had been so wrapped up in the conflict with Voldemort for so long that he had confined his existence to Britain's Wizarding world. Maybe it was high time to see about branching out.
"Yes, I was thinking something like an extended vacation…"
"So what's stopping you?" she wondered, looking at him with the question in her eyes.
"I don't know, I guess I feel as if I should be contributing more to the post-war effort," he said, holding up his hand when she made to interrupt him. "I can't shake the feeling that I could be doing more to help us get everything back together, and much more quickly."
"Harry, if I may speak freely?" He nodded. "It is not your responsibility what happens to all of Wizarding Britain now that Tom has been defeated. It is not your responsibility to see to it that our world recovers more quickly or more equitably. You cannot possibly hope to control all of that. You have had the weight of the world on your shoulders for so long now that you are finding it hard to function normally, to live a normal, even domestic life.
"We also probably all have some survivor's guilt, which isn't making things any easier. The mourning process for our friends and allies and family members will take a long time. None of us will ever be quite the same. But for that process to even begin you need to stabilize your own mental state above all other responsibilities, real or perceived. If you were to take a long vacation away from all of this, we would still be here when you returned.
"You're young yet," she said, with a slight smile, "and you have plenty of time to do whatever you want or feel like you need to do."
Harry considered her words in silence for a length of time during which he stared down at his godson, who was now sleeping peacefully. Though Teddy was a colossal responsibility, Harry was starting to grow extremely attached to the little guy. His thoughts of possible futures did not go beyond taking care of Teddy at this point. He sighed.
"Harry?" a new voice broke in. He looked up at the portrait behind Minerva; she turned slightly in her chair to look at the former Headmaster.
"Yes, Albus?"
"I believe what Minerva just said is entirely true. Some time away from this will serve you well. You are one of the most powerful-if not the most powerful-wizards in the world with nearly unlimited financial and familial resources, which means you can do nothing more or less than exactly what you want. No one will think any of less of you for not jumping straight into politics or the rehabilitation of our world.
"Though it will undoubtedly make you uncomfortable, you are now a hero to most of the magical world, not just Britain. Voldemort and his war would have spilled out of Britain to the rest of the world if you and the others had not stood against him, and people will realize this over time. Whether you like it or not, you are the new hero of the Light. That does not mean, however, that you have to immerse yourself right away, or ever, into the reconstruction and restoration of our world. You have done enough already."
Harry looked down at Teddy again. What they had said made some sense to him, but it was still hard to let go of the guilty feeling that he should be doing something worthwhile. A voice in the back of his head quickly told him that taking care of himself and Teddy was worthwhile, for now at least.
"I don't know about me being such a powerful wizard, but I do understand what you're both saying."
"Harry, let us consider for a moment," Albus piped up again. "You managed to cast a fully corporeal Patronus charm with the negative effects of over one hundred Dementors bearing down upon you, driving them all away with that single charm. And you were in your third year. I was not nearly that powerful, even in my prime. When pushed, the strength and depth of your magic is truly incomprehensible."
"The facts are incontrovertible, Harry," Minerva said. "You really are that powerful."
Harry ran his hand through his hair again. While it was flattering on some level to be told that, it was yet another thing to set him apart from everyone else. Sometimes he wished he was utterly normal.
"Alright, I get it," he said. "I think that I will look into taking a break from everything. A long vacation, or something like that." He stood from his chair. "I'll send a note along to you, Minerva, when I know exactly what I'm doing."
She smiled at him, a little sadly it seemed. "I would appreciate that, Harry, but you shouldn't feel obligated to update me or anyone else, other than your close friends perhaps, about where you're going and what you're doing. That will only give people an excuse to bother you."
"Suppose your right," he murmured. "Thanks for listening and for the advice."
"Of course," she said.
"And thanks to you too, Albus."
"Any time, Harry."
"Have a good day, you two."
"And you as well, Harry."
Harry left the castle and as soon as he was outside of the wards, he Disapparated. The memories from all of his time at Hogwarts were beginning to press in from all sides.
-----
A few days passed. Harry convinced Andromeda to come with him on what he was calling an extended leave of absence; they had planned the long trip around the world and would be leaving in two days. He had yet to tell Hermione or Ron.
Just after he had put Teddy down for his afternoon nap, as he was exiting the room, he heard Hermione's voice waft up the stairs. He couldn't make out the words, but he knew from the shrill tone that she was less than pleased about something. Sighing and rolling his eyes, he moved slowly toward the staircase; as he descended, the words became sharper.
"…anything to do with that," she was saying. The frustration was about tear her voice apart. "You know why I have to, Ron. They're my parents."
Ah, so that was it. This same old argument that had been simmering for the past week or two. Hermione had been procrastinating on going to Australia to find her parents and fix their memories, which only caused Ron to push more and more for their relationship to develop further. With the stress that Hermione was under, however, she was in no mood for romance or Ron's shenanigans.
It was all starting to severely irritate Harry, though. She should just bloody go and do what she needed to do. Either Ron would be here waiting for her when she came back, or he wouldn't be. If she wasn't pushing for the relationship now, then they needed a little space to find some perspective.
But Harry had never voiced these thoughts to his friends. He wasn't comfortable talking about such things with Ron, and Hermione was smart enough to figure all of this out on her own.
Harry had chosen today to tell them about his trip, so he continued down the stairs as their argument escalated.
"Why didn't you do it a month ago?" Ron asked, his voice full frustration as well.
"Why didn't you do anything a month ago?" Hermione shot back. "Or for that matter, why hasn't any of us? We needed some time, Ron, before we jumped back into everything."
"But like you said, they're your parents."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, the volume of her voice inching up and up. Harry had made it to the doorway of the kitchen at this point. Neither Hermione nor Ron noticed his presence as he leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms. They were too engrossed in the argument and each other.
"It would have been my first priority!" Ron nearly yelled, throwing his hands up. "I would have wanted to get them right away. But instead you've just been sitting here for a month!"
"So have you!" Hermione yelled back. "I haven't tried to find them yet because I wanted to make sure it was really safe, and everything was really over, before I bring them back to all of us-"
"What? Why? Voldemort's gone, Hermione!"
"No fucking shite," she ground out, stunning Ron momentarily with her language. Even Harry was forced to raise his eyebrows. "But that doesn't mean there aren't rogue Death Eaters still out there, just waiting for a chance at revenge. And what would be more perfect than the defenseless, Muggle parents of Hermione Granger?"
Ron growled. "You can protect them, Hermione! We all can!"
"What is this really about, Ronald?" Hermione asked, after a moment's silence. There was a dangerous quality to her voice that Harry did not like. Ron, as usual, was oblivious.
"Us, Hermione!" he responded. "Us, and wasting all of this time! We should be, I dunno, doing something, starting a relationship, you know," he said.
"Excuse me for not being one of your tarts and putting out for you right away," was her acerbic response. "I don't let just anyone into my pants, unlike you."
Ron exploded. "That's not what I meant and you fucking know it! Sure, it would be pretty fucking nice to get some affection from you every now and then, even a smile or a kiss, but you just push everything away, no matter what! And I'm getting tired of it, Hermione. I'm not going to wait around forever for you, you know!"
Harry thought he might have to step in soon. This was getting ridiculous.
"I NEVER ASKED YOU TO, YOU POMPOUS ASSHOLE!" she screamed back. Harry literally took a step back in shock. She was almost frothing at the mouth. "EVERYTHING ISN'T ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND RIGHT AND I'M STRESSED TO THE BREAKING POINT. YOU THINK I WANT TO BE LIKE THIS? YOU THINK I WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE WHEN I'M LIKE THIS, WHEN I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT?"
"You and Harry seem to be doing just fine," Ron said, in a low, angry voice that Harry knew all too well. There was jealousy burning behind those words.
This stopped Hermione short. "What?" There was blatant confusion on her face.
"I've seen you going into his room," he said. "In the middle of the night."
Harry watched as Hermione's face slipped into an emotionless mask; only her eyes expressed the indignation and rage that she felt. In some ways, this was worse than her shouting at Ron. And Harry could not believe Ron's implication. It was the tent all over again.
"This is the second time you have suggested that Harry and I are going behind your back. I will only say it once: nothing has ever happened between us. What the fuck did you think was happening, with Teddy in there, too?"
Her voice was raspy and menacing; she overrode Ron when he started to say something. "You need to get it through your thick skull that Harry and I are extremely close friends, and that the dynamics of this little trio changed the moment you left us in that tent. We may have come a long way back toward alright, fine, reasonable, and whatever else you want to call it, but that will always be there. And when you insinuate things like this, just to hurt me or just to express your petty insecurities, you make it all the more likely that something could happen with Harry and less likely that anything ever could happen with you."
Harry and Ron just stared at Hermione. Well, this was news. This was the first time in their long friendship that anything like that had been explicitly stated.
Ron spoke before his brain had time to catch up: "Oh, come off it, you ruddy two-timing swot, you know things happened between you and him when you were alone for all that time-"
Harry decided to step in. No one called Hermione names and got away with it. He cleared his throat; like lightning, their attention fixated on him, still standing there in the doorway. He watched as fear flashed through Hermione's eyes; Ron just looked mutinous.
"And you would not be able to say anything about it if it did, Ronald," Harry said, stressing his friend's full name. "You were the one who abandoned us, who left us alone to console each other when you ran away to mommy.
"But, regardless of all that, you two really need to grow the fuck up!" he exclaimed, patience finally snapping after weeks of this unbearable tension. "If you can't both be in the same room for more than ten minutes without arguing, obviously it's not meant to be."
It was harsh, but it was true. "Look, someone needs to say it," he told them when he saw their looks changing to shock. "This rubbish was cute when we were twelve, but it isn't anymore. We all had plans and desires for after the war, but obviously reality is a little different than the one big happy Weasley family we all had in our heads.
"I have Teddy now and that's not going to change. Ginny will be going back to Hogwarts for two more years most likely, whenever it reopens, and that's not going to change. I will not be returning. So we are never going to happen. And you two?" Harry scoffed. "Do you really think that all of this bullshit you always get into means you're destined to be together? That it's some kind of sexual tension?"
He could see the hurt at his words entering their faces now, but he was past the point of no return. All of what he was saying had been building for so long that he couldn't stop it.
"I love you both to death but you need to realize what's been staring you in the face now for a long time: adults in lasting relationships do not treat each other like you two do. Oh sure, everyone fights now and again, but the constant bickering and posturing and name-calling will wear you both down faster than you can say third date.
"So, please, for the love of Merlin, grow up! You can both stay here as long as you want, you know that, but no more of this bullshit jealousy or insipid implications. It's not healthy for any of us."
A stunned silence filled the room. Harry was breathing heavily as he watched them for their reactions. Hermione's eyes seemed a bit teary; Ron still looked angry, though there was some introspection in those blue eyes now.
"Harry…" Hermione started. For once in her life, she looked lost about what to say. Ron said nothing.
Harry took a deep breath. "I think you both need to put some distance between yourselves and this place. That's what I'm going to be doing."
"What do you mean?" she asked, her voice quavering.
"I'm leaving Britain for awhile," he told them. "I'm taking Teddy and going on a very long vacation with Andromeda. We're going to travel around the world for a few months. This place is too…confined. There are too many memories here, and they're all too fresh. And I don't just mean Grimmauld Place. Everywhere I go-Diagon, the Ministry, Hogwarts, Hogsmeade-is the same.
"I've done my duty, we've done what we set out to do, so I'm going to take some time off. I can't do this anymore. I can't subject myself or Teddy to whatever this is," he finished, indicating the three of them with a wave of his hand.
"Like I said, I love you both, but we clearly need to figure our own problems out before anything else."
Hermione and Ron said nothing, absorbing his words. It was the most he had said to them in one sustained burst in quite some time, perhaps years even. He turned to leave the room after a minute or two.
"When are you leaving?" came Hemione's quiet voice, at his back.
"Two days."
"And when will you be back?"
"Sometime before Christmas."
"Blimey, Harry, that long?" Ron asked, using his voice for the first time in minutes.
Harry shrugged, still facing out of the kitchen.
"Why not? I'll go insane if I stay here any longer." He left them then to their thoughts, turning down the hallway and out of sight.
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