Chapter Eight.
The other side of everything.
"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton
London. 2003.
Hermione woke up and prepared for work. She had left by quarter to eight and arrived at her desk in quiet solidarity by only a few minutes later. She worked, rhythmically and methodically and with only a very slim amount of mirth. She glanced at the clock above her wall of filing cabinets a few hours into her work day. She mentally noted that the time was only a few minutes short of being three days since she had last heard from Harry.
Seventy-two hours. Four thousand Three hundred and Twenty minutes. Two hundred Fifty-nine thousand and Two hundred seconds.
She had told him that an apology was not something one scheduled with the brother of the person being apologized to and he had taken off for the flat that she shared with Ginny. When Hermione had arrived home later that evening, after having spent the rest of the day in often pleasant, and sometimes sickening company of Ron and Luna, she had found the flat empty of her flatmate. Ginny didn't come home that night either.
Hermione hadn't worried about it. She had told herself that there was nothing to worry about and, as if by some magic she had never learned in school, she found that the sentiment was true. Somewhere inside of her, maybe in her heart or her bones or even in that wasteland of trivia she called her mind, she trusted Harry. A deep and powerful trust that she had not known herself to possess. She had wiled away a few hours of the night luxuriating in the surprising skin of someone who didn't realize that she could trust another so completely.
When that grew dull, as all good feelings invariable do in one way or another, she spent the rest of her night trying to decide where she wanted to get take out from before she broke down and ate all the cereal in the flat. She fell asleep full and happy. When Ginny arrived the afternoon previous there had been no confrontation, no accusation and no time wasted in idol chit chat. Because Hermione was not the sort that wasted time in that way, and for that matter she had never been the type to count seconds in days before.
However Ginny had shared one fact with her. One thing which changed the landscape of her life and her habits concerning the counting of fractions of hours and days. Ginny had said, simply and without reservation,
"He's in love with you."
And so Hermione found herself counting the seconds until that would be a revelation which Harry himself would provide to her.
* * *
Neville,
Have you ever thought about how short life is? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I've been going back over my life, piecing together the monumental failures and the unexpected victories. And in so doing I've had a little help from someone I had always marked as a monumental failure. I don't know if you'd heard, and really considering the grapevine my mother keeps I would say shame on you if you hadn't, but Harry is back in town.
I was sitting in his kitchen, you remember his old flat? He's back there now, it's just as you remember it, it even smells exactly like boy. But anyway, I was sitting in his kitchen and he was apologizing to me for how we had left it and I was suddenly struck by an odd notion. I asked him if he thought that we, by which I mean him and myself, had a chance at rekindling our shared monumental failure.
I wasn't looking for him to tell me that he was in love with me, and to confess a dark little secret I was actually hoping that he would tell me how much our breaking up had hurt him. What I got was exactly what I didn't even know I wanted. Because, Nev, what I got was neither. He didn't love me in that way anymore, he hadn't for a long time. And in that moment, as he spoke those words, I can't really explain what happened to me.
It was like going back into your flat because you forgot something and deciding that you were rather comfortable there and why should you even leave at all. It just clicked, like a lever in my brain. I didn't love him like that either. In truth, I hadn't loved him in that way in years. I just felt badly about myself because of the harshness of his rejection.
It can be difficult to be a girl, Nev. Because self image is how we are defined. No one walks into a room and sees a bookish girl in a stained tee shirt, jeans and too many year old trainers and thinks to themselves, "My, what a catch." They don't bother to find out if that girl is an amazing person or not, and she very well may be, because they don't put stock in the personality traits of the female of the species. It's about looks. Or, at least that has been my experience on the subject. We're judged by how we present ourselves, and I know it seems shallow, but there is this part of us that is all too well aware of that fact. Our self image is so important to how we define out worth, even though we all wish it could be about so much more.
Harry destroyed my self image. Not just because of how I dress, that actually would have hurt less. He claimed that I was worthless to him, and I had put so much stock into his opinion of me. The world had put so much stock into his every opinion on everything. And that, silly as it seems, is why I was so hurt. It's why I couldn't love you when I should have. Because, at the time, I didn't love myself.
Well, I'm trying to now. I'm going to try a little more every day to appreciate who I am, and who those around me are. Because, like I said, Harry and me started to piece together my life in fractured moments. Weighing monumental failure against unexpected victory and we discovered that some were the opposite of what I had qualified them as.
I've gotten to know you, over more than a decade of time and trail. And that, just knowing who you are, having you in my life, for all the good and bad of it, It has been my most unexpected victory.
Love, Ginny
* * *
Hogwarts. 2003.
Neville put the letter down next to his numerous herbology books and essays on his desk in his staff lodgings. He nodded his head in the direction of his dresser drawer, which also happened to be the direction of London. He stood up, got dressed, stuffed Ginny's letter into his pocket and ran from the school that had been his home for so long. He made it into Hogsmead in record time, found a floo ready chimney and was in London a few minutes later.
He apparated into Ginny's flat only to find Hermione coming home from work. Surprised to see him appear so suddenly in her living room Hermione sat down and smiled.
"I wish you would have owled, Neville." She held her hand over her heart, "You've scared the daylights out of me."
"Er... Sorry." Neville reached into his pocket to present the folded letter, "I've only come to see Ginny."
"Well, she stepped out, according to the note she left on the table." Hermione indicated the vague direction of the side table next to the door, but managed to convey to Neville only some place behind her, "She ought to be back any moment now."
As if to prove the point the pair heard the sound of a key being fit into the lock. Neville looked to Hermione, his eyes almost seemed to be asking permission. She nodded and he took off for the door. Unfastening the latch and throwing it open in so little time that Ginny, shocked on the other side of the door at seeing Neville so unexpectedly, dropped her keys to the floor. She bent to retrieve them. While consumed with the task, the little time that it took, she racked her brain to come up with the perfect combination of words. Something that spoke of her eagerness to apologize to him and her desperation to try and find a place for herself in his heart and in his arms.
When she returned from the floor she had her letter held up in her face. She took the letter and read the first two lines, though that was mostly habitual, as she had known from the paper with green lines rather than blue that it was something she had written. She looked at him, expectantly at first and then, as the moments passed with only a look of extreme concentration on his face to give away his mood, with mounting anticipation.
Finally he spoke, "Do you mean it?"
"Of course I mean it." She could feel the tear in her eye, but she willed it not to fall, "How could you even ask that?"
"No second chances." He said stone faced, "If you're in this, then you're in this. Not for the penny, but for the pound. Are you willing to be in this?"
She nodded once, wiped the stubborn tear from her eye and said, "I am."
He pulled her close to him and kissed her.
At the end of the hallway Hermione stood watching the spectacle. She kept quiet until the two of them had stopped simply kissing and had begun to all but dry hump with the flat door open for the neighbors to see. She cleared her throat, but that didn't seem to work, so she clapped her hands. Finally, at a loss for a hose to turn on them she threw up her arms and muttered something about an explanation coming as she walked to her room.
* * *
"When the dust settles I think we'll have something edible." Draco stated as they all looked on a basket of damaged cookies that had been sent to the flat care of Mr. N. Longbottom.
Harry had discovered them, with only the in care of label and without any indication of intent, at the floor by the door of the flat when he and Draco had heard the faint sound of a courier's knuckles on the door. He had swept them inside and placed them on the table. The courier had not been delicate with them. The basket should have been a rather nice talking piece but was instead a bent up wicker basket filled with the crumbled remains of cookies so broken up that the exact type was a total mystery.
Harry pulled a small piece from the box and scrutinized it, "Chocolate chip?"
"Could be a raisin." Draco commented, "And really, why would Longbottom even send you a basket of cookies."
"That, I would think, is obvious." Harry put the piece of cookie back into the cookie coffin and wiped his hand on his shirt, "Ginny must've made her move."
"I had always credited her with more taste." Draco said with a wry smile.
"I said the same thing about Amber."
Draco smiled and patted Harry's shoulder, "I don't know what New York is going to do without your wit, Harr-bear."
"How do you know I'm not going back?"
"Come on. We both know you aren't." Draco smiled, "Why on earth would you?"
"I guess so." Harry looked around his flat, taking in the walls he knew would keep him for the indefinite future, "I guess New York will just have to figure it out."
"Or do that collective sigh of relief thing when it figures out it's rid of you." Draco offered.
"Or that." Harry Agreed.
* * *
Hermione had cranked up the volume on her stereo and padded her headphones with tissue paper, she had even taken the precaution of stuffing towels under her door, but she could still hear them. They were in the living room, giggling like school children when they came up for air from kissing. She wondered if the human mouth could possible contain enough saliva to keep their mouths from sticking together after all this time.
Finally she got up and placed a silencing charm on her bedroom. She sat with her music blasting in her ears and wondered if she could still hear them out there or if it was a trick of her mind.
* * *
When finally Ginny and Neville had stopped kissing they sat down to have the talk. About where the relationship was going, about how they felt about one another after all these years, about what they each wanted from the other and about whether or not they should take it slow or plow ahead like an out of control train on a non-stop to wedded bliss. They had sat down intending to have the talk.
What they managed was a conversation about what they should call each other as pet names that lasted for four hours. Ginny had just decided that perhaps "Neviekins" was the route to go, and Neville was sure that Gin-and-Tonic was perfect, when Hermione slammed a book down on the coffee table only a few feet from them. They both looked up. The book was one of the complete works compilations and weighed about the same as a passenger jet.
Hermione crossed her arms and tapped her foot, "How're things."
"Good." They replied in unison, which Hermione wished they hadn't because it caused them to erupt in euphoric giggles the likes of which she had not heard since her heady days as a nine year old school girl.
"Would someone like to explain why you two have been attacking each other with love all day, or do I have to wait for the sextape to make it to the internet before I figure out what's going on around here?"
"Sextape?" Ginny said.
"You have the internet here?" Neville said.
"You have both sucked the intelligence from each other's faces. You realize this, yes?"
"I sent him a note. Told him about how I felt. That I spoke with Harry yesterday." Ginny answered.
Hermione indicated them, "Just like that?"
"Slow day?" Neville offered.
Hermione blinked, then nodded, "I'm happy for you, I am. Congratulations and all that. But if I don't get out of this lovefest for a bit I am going to repaint the walls with my lunch and possibly the back of my head."
"Pleasant." Ginny said.
"I'm going out." Hermione left, retrieved her purse and walked out leaving them staring at the door from the couch.
"Is she okay?" Neville asked.
"Not as a rule." Ginny answered before she pulled his face to her lips.
* * *
Yorkshire. 2003.
Luna heard the whip crack sound of apparition from her study. She walked down the stairs to see if Ron had returned from the store and found instead Hermione standing in her kitchen, looking through the cupboards. She would open one wooden little door, maybe shift some things around and maybe just give it a cursory glance, before shutting it and moving to the next in line.
Luna cleared her throat, "We keep the really good things to stare at in the library."
Hermione spun on the spot and saw Luna. She had a harried look about her. The hair was at odd angles, the lips tighter than they ought to be, her eyes a frantic mess, only half focused on anything.
"Was there something I could help with?" Luna asked.
"Fire whiskey. I could use fire whiskey." Hermione replied.
"Fresh out." Luna shrugged, "How about some tea. Or we have a nectar that I've read can cure head aches and grant clairvoyance. Though I haven't tested it because it smells like socks and mold."
"Just the tea, then." Hermione said, "Can I sit?"
"Preferably on a chair." Luna answered, "Are you okay?"
Hermione fell into a chair and hung her head in her hands, "Top of the world."
"Yes." Luna was boiling water, "You certainly seem that way."
"I came to see Ron." She pointed to the clock above the stove, a relic from another time in Ron's life. It was a clock that featured both of their names and indications for where they were (Home, at work, away, ect.) and how they were, (Healthy, In mortal peril, ect.), "He appears to be away from home and distracted."
"I find it distracting to be away from home as well, poor dear." Luna dropped to tea bags into the cups before pouring hot water over them. She had never been much good with tea leaves, "Of course you could always talk to me."
"I wouldn't want to waste your time."
"Well." She placed the cups of tea on the table and had a seat, "I would say you have, at the very least, until we drink this tea."
"I don't know if that'll be enough time."
"It's quite hot, right this moment." Luna pointed to the steam rising, "I could spare you a few days while it cools."
"Ginny and Neville are snogging like it's the last week it'll be allowed."
"And this is bad because?" Luna leaned in close and squinted as if to see Hermione better, "Wait. It is each other that they're snogging, isn't it?"
"So far."Hermione smiled, "But I don't know what'll happen when they bore of that."
"So what's the problem. Is it that he's too tall, because I've found that getting up on your tip toes and having them bend slightly makes that issue go away a little." She put her finger on her chin, "Though Ginny could have very short toes, I suppose. I don't recall what her bare feet look like."
"There's nothing wrong with them or their toes." Hermione said, "I'm just horribly jealous."
"Because?"
"Because they have each other and I have no one." Hermione leaned forward, "Come to think of it I'm not certain what a visit to the happily married couple was meant to do as far as making me feel better. I just don't have a lot of friends."
"You have Harry."
"I can't go to Harry." She recoiled from the table, "I just can't."
"Because?"
"I'll make a total fool of myself."
"I was doing handstands when I told Ron that I would like to go out with him." Luna said unabashedly.
"You were? Why?"
"I wanted to make sure that he was as good looking upside down."
"Really?"
"It's terribly important." Luna said wide eyed, "You have no idea the things that can live up someone's nose."
"Was he? Good looking upside down?"
"I thought so." Luna put her hand on Hermione's, "My point is, I think, that where love is concerned I'm not so certain whether it matters if you make a fool of yourself."
"And that's all fine and well for you. You're-" Hermione blanched, went wide eyed and stopped talking.
"Loony." Luna provided.
"I wasn't going to say." Hermione answered with a blush.
"I don't mind." Luna smiled, "I find that those sort of names only bothered me before I had people I loved to love me back, for all I am and all that I'll never be."
"You're a smart woman." Hermione said, "I wish I was as brave as you."
Luna laughed until Hermione grew uncomfortable. Finally she wiped a tear from her eye and said, "You're a Gryffindor, Hermione. You fought the darkest magic from the darkest wizard ever to do darkly dark things."
"Thanks?"
"You're one of the single bravest people I've ever known."
"Then why is this so hard?"
Luna blew some steam from her cup and set it back down, "Because it isn't bravery one needs to be in love. It's a reckless kind of stupidity that's required to look at another person and say 'let's fall in love'."
Hermione rested her head in her cupped hand, "That's a lovely thought, but it doesn't account for some of the harsher facts of the situation."
"Oh?"
"I hurt him. Badly." Hermione's eyes swept the area but found no prying eyes, "I think I came very close to destroying him. I don't know if love between two people is capable of surviving that. I have some experience with it."
"Yes. I had heard." Luna said gravely.
"When I miscarried." Hermione paused to gather strength, "When I lost the baby, I was devastated, I had never in my life been so miserable. Some days I would wake up and cry for hours. I didn't think I could ever get over it, sometimes I think that I'm still not. And what made it worse was that the father didn't want any part of the kid's life, and after everything happened he didn't want any part of mine either. You can't imagine what that did to me. I felt so used and worthless. I felt dirty or sick or stupid all the time."
"And you believe that Harry feels this way?"
"I do. Yes."Hermione lowered her voice to a conspiratorial tone, "I'm the reason he left London. I asked him to go."
The sound of Ron moving around behind her sent shivers down Hermione's back,
"No you aren't."
Was all he said before he walked by and placed the groceries on the counter.
Luna jumped up and did a graceful little hopping kind of jaunt over to give her husband a quick kiss just below his ear. He smiled and kissed his finger before placing it on her nose. Then the two of them set about putting away the groceries together. Hermione cradled her cup of tea, letting it warm her hands, as she sat and thought about the scene and the words that had stolen the air from the room only moments earlier.
"What do you mean?" Hermione said.
Ron turned around and gave her a little smile and wave, "Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. I walked in and no one noticed so I just stood there and listened for awhile. Didn't mean to startle you or anything."
Luna slapped his arm gently, "Eavesdropper!"
"Guilty." He smiled at her, "What can I say, I like to watch you talk."
"You can't snake out of this with a compliment." Luna stuck out her tongue, "It's going to take two."
"I'm sorry but-" Hermione began.
"Well." Ron said to Luna, "There are so many nice things I could say about you... it's tough to pick just one."
"You are a very good flatterer." Luna reached up and hugged him, "I love you, Ronald."
Ron wrapped his arms around her and swung her in a tight circle, her ankles almost hitting the table, "I love you, Luna"
"Yes, but-" Hermione tried again.
"I've missed you terribly." Luna said, "Earlier I was going to move a trunk out of the study and you weren't around. I thought about doing it with magic."
"Sensible." Ron confirmed.
"But I like to watch you lift stuff, so I left it." Luna kissed him.
"For Merlin's sake!" Hermione threw up her arms, "The man was gone for twenty minutes at most. Is all of this really necessary?"
Luna turned to look at her, "No." She admitted, "But it's fun."
"It would have to be." Hermione said.
"So what's up her bum?" Ron asked Luna.
"She thinks that Harry hates her in secret because Ginny and Neville are doing the horizontal polka back at her flat."
"Really?" Ron blinked, but smiled all the same, "That's the gentlest way you could think to tell me that my sister is having sex with someone?"
"It is." Luna crossed her heart and gave an earnest expression, "I didn't even use the diagrams that I had thought up."
"Well, then." Ron nodded, "Very subtle of you, in retrospect."
"I don't think Harry hates me. I never said that." Hermione interjected.
"Good." Ron said as he pulled up a seat, "Because that's silly."
"What did you mean that I wasn't why he left?" She asked.
"Luna, can I have your tea?" Ron asked. Luna nodded and he took up the cup and swallowed it down in one go, "Thank you, sweetheart."
He turned to face her, his expression serious, "Harry left because he needed that. We all have different reactions to the trials and tribulations of this life. Mine and Harry's reaction has always been to go away and find space and get some perspective. That's why he left."
"But I asked him to." Hermione confessed.
"Then why did he take Malfoy with him?" Ron leaned into the table, "Did you ask him to do that?"
"Well, no. Why would I?"
"It's all about perspective, Herm." Ron smiled, "Malfoy had a much different perspective and that helped Harry put everything else in check. Harry left because he needed, somewhere deep inside of himself, to get out of London for awhile. To figure out what he wanted his life to be."
"True." Luna nodded as she assembled a tuna fish and cream cheese sandwich on the counter top, "All he's done since he got back is have one meaningful conversation after another."
"He's putting his life back together." Ron nodded, "But this time he's doing it on his own terms."
"Has he spoken with you?" Hermione asked Ron.
"Once. Year ago." Ron reached behind him and patted Luna's thigh, "When I married this one. Him and me, we talked. It was good."
"Why did you get special treatment? Being put straight two years ahead of the rest of us."
"I'm his best friend." Ron shrugged, "That's how that works."
"I thought I was his best friend, too." Hermione sank low in her chair, "That's perspective for you."
"You weren't there." Ron pointed out, "If you had been at my wedding, we did invite you, he probably would have squared things with you then. He was disappointed when he realized you weren't there."
"He was?"
"Dude's nuts about you." Ron smiled.
"So I keep hearing, but it's been three days and he's radio silent."
"Perhaps you should be trying to talk to him." Luna said through a mouthful of sandwich, "He could've had his voice stolen away by mermaids. I've heard of that happening."
* * *
"You know." Draco was shoveling cookie crumbs into his mouth, Amber was barely holding in a fit of giggles, "This would work well with milk." he concluded.
"Haven't got any." Harry smiled.
"Of course you don't." Draco said before he flicked his tongue around the top of his mouth to dislodge a clump of wet cookie bits.