Unofficial Portkey Archive

A/N: I know I said that this will probably be a 3 part series. But I got away with myself and it kind of got lengthy. I am currently working on the last part (it's halfway done), but every time I open it to work on it, I just sit there staring at it. My muse is currently off doing another project, and the words come easier in that one. I do plan on finishing this though. Soon. Fingers crossed.

Also, I apologize if this part is a little dull. I wanted to add to the back story, and give a little insight as to where Harry is coming from. So even though this chapter is not heavy in context toward the actually plot, I felt the need to put it there. I promise that the next (and last) part will make up for it.

And lastly, I never claimed to be perfect. I know my writing style is a jumbled mess of run ons and fragments. I'd like to think that it's what makes my style unique, no matter how grammatically incorrect it is. This part isn't beta-ed so if it's too hard to read past my errors I apologize.

Anyway, read, review, and enjoy!

oooOOOOooo

Chapter 3: In Her Absence

Hermione woke the next morning after a couple more hours of restless sleep with a pounding headache and her mind in overdrive. She knew that classes would be too hard to get through with her mind on a fritz like it was and her focus was tainted by an overwhelming sense of dizziness and fatigue. She knew that these were the side effects of the potion, but didn't know it would affect her everyday routine such as classes and even being able to function. She figured that classes would be unbearable but it wouldn't be as hard as facing Harry after what happened the night before.

She didn't dream Harry's dreams after she had fallen asleep the second time and she could only guess that he didn't fall back asleep like she had after a few moments of contemplating everything. Harry's dreams did nothing but confuse her more, and she was tired of trying to figure out what Harry wanted. She realized that trying to figure out what was going on with Harry was a probably dead end. It was a good thing since it was wrong of her to drink the potion in the first place and she might as well give up trying piece things together. After concluding that overanalyzing it would get her nowhere, she forced herself to push it from her mind and allow herself to fall back into a fitful sleep.

For the first time in Hermione life she wasn't able to find a solution to the problem. Understanding Harry was like an arithmetic equation that had no connecting variables. A language she couldn't teach herself no matter the work ethic she put into it. Like a sonnet so contradicting that the whole point was to not make any sense out of it at all. She had spent the last five years being Harry's friend and she was starting realize how much she didn't really know him as well as she thought she did. She couldn't figure out for the life of her how to comfort and help him through everything if she was a huge part of his inner turmoil.

All she knew was what she wanted was probably selfish on her end. Especially with Harry in desperate need of a friend right now. Her feelings shouldn't matter, and all she wanted was things to go back to the way it used to, if only just to settle the loneliness of not having him by her side anymore. If she hadn't been sick she would be determined to make things right between Harry and her. She was embarrassed yes, but she wouldn't allow that to ruin their friendship that meant volumes to her. She made a vow that if he allowed her back in, she would accept the role of his best friend and push her feelings aside once again even if the thought was heartbreaking. It would be far worse to not have Harry in her life at all. With a newfound vigor she was determined to find Harry and be his friend, but the feeling of illness hindered her and she decided today wouldn't be the day to make things right. She would give him as much space he needed today in hopes that he would come around on his own accord.

She could only imagine how he must feel if she felt horrible from the torrent of dreams that haunted him at night. Her mind had worked itself to exhaustion and for the first time since she started school at Hogwarts she opted not to go to her classes for the day.

Her legs felt wobbly and she felt nauseous as she got dressed and made her way to the hospital wing to get an excuse note from Madame Pomfrey.

It was still early, the sun barely making its way above the horizon and she slipped quietly pass the portrait and into the halls. She knew that she was one of the only few students up at that hour as she made her way towards the hospital wing feeling slightly unbalanced. She leaned up against a wall after bumping into it, feeling wretched from the pounding in her head and took a deep calming breath. She knew she was nearly there and she was starting to feel feverish. As she was trying to regain the strength to push herself off the wall and continue on her journey she heard an airy dreamlike voice greet her.

"Hello Hermione Granger," she heard Luna Lovegood say and walk over to where she leaned against the stone wall clutching it like it was a life line. "You don't look too well, maybe you should go to the hospital ward to see Madame Pomfrey."

A wave of uncalled for irritation ran through Hermione, "that's where I'm going," she said and pushed herself off the wall unsteadily. "I-," she started but a huge wave of vertigo hit her like a ton of bricks causing her to retch and vomit all over the stone tile just missing Luna's bare feet.

Luna responded immediately, a look of concern passing through her usually spacey eyes. She allowed Hermione to lean against her, and she steadied them helping Hermione along the corridor to see their head nurse. "I'll show you there," Luna said nonchalantly as if it were as simple as her showing her where the Great Hall was, and Hermione was grateful for the tremendous act of kind will coming from a girl she hardly knew.

When they arrived at the hospital wing Madam Pomfrey rushed over to help Hermione to a cot. "What's wrong with her this time?" the matron asked with a weary look on her face. Although Hermione hadn't been to the infirmary as much as Harry did, she was still one of the head nurses regulars.

"I think she has a bad case of ju ju whispies in her stomach," Luna said in a serious voice. "I'll leave her in your charge," she smiled and waved goodbye to Hermione before skipping away.

"What in the world is ju ju whispies?" Hermione groaned and rubbed her temples trying to relieve some of the pain the throbbing headache was causing.

"I have no idea child," Madam Pomfrey responded. "Now tell me what's wrong?" she asked and pulled out her wand to cast a diagnostic spell on Hermione.

Hermione's eyes widened in panic not wanting for the nurse to know why she had such a splitting headache and nausea. She knew that if the head nurse found out she would have to inform the Headmaster, and experimenting with potions that weren't apart of the curriculum was frowned upon.

"I just think it's a bad case of the muggle flu," Hermione blurted out. "I think I just need to sleep it off. Maybe you can give me a some Sleeping Draught and Pepperup Potion," she said quickly.

Madam Pomfrey eyed Hermione sternly and lowered her wand. She knew that the girl before her was a bright witch, and very diligent about going to class. She could hardly believe that she would fake illness or eat one of those candies that the Weasley twins were handing out to students to trying get out of attending classes. "Okay," she sighed and helped Hermione situate herself in a more comfortable position on the cot. "You should be fine by supper time, and I'll give you a written excuse for your absence in classes."

Hermione sighed relieved that the head nurse didn't interrogate her any further and drank the potions Madam Pomfrey gave her. The sleeping draught put her into a much-needed deep sleep that was void from any dreams and worries that bombarded her mind that put her in the hospital wing in the first place.

oooOOOOooo

Harry got ready for the day early since he couldn't fall back to sleep after he had woken from his nightmares. His body dragged as he showered and got dressed slowly taking his time. He felt like he hadn't gotten an ounce of sleep the night before, and the restless tossing and turning made his body ache, and his head pound.

He went down to have an early breakfast by himself. He couldn't quite figure out if the whisperings and the stares were easier to block out when there were a few people or a big crowd. With a smaller crowd he was able to pick out exactly who was whispering his name and was wearing a scowl on their face, and which ones avoided him like the plague. The hardest ones to face were those that shocked him like Seamus Finnagin. The were many whom he considered his friends at one point, yet now they caused the fraction that divided the entire Gryffindor House on his behalf.

He settled into his seat as his breakfast materialized itself in front of him. Despite his fatigue, the pounding headache offered a distracting sense of calm and he found it easier today to handle the stares and the whisperings. He was slightly grateful that his mind felt fuzzy and that fatigue overpowered the sense of anger that was usually his reaction to the student body against him.

He quietly ate ignoring everything around him and when he was finished he wandered the halls aimlessly as more and more students made their way to breakfast before classes. He found himself in the library telling himself he needed to study for History of Magic especially without Hermione's helpful notes. Professor Binn's boring voice and dull lectures were already hard to focus on in the first place, and with everything going on right now, he knew that if he didn't push himself to keep up with the lesson plan he probably wouldn't pass his O.W.L.s for the course.

It was as if he was unconsciously trying to torture himself as his feet led him to the back of the library to her spot, and peeked around the corner to see if she was there. He missed her dearly, and was torn between being disappointed and relieved when he saw that she wasn't in her usual seat that morning. As if on their own accord, his feet led him to the table where they usually sat and he sighed feeling depressed and lonely.

He shook his head feeling pathetic as the memory of that day hit him again, fresh in his mind from the dream the night before, and he allowed himself to dwell on the thought of it once again.

He knew that something had to change. It had been a weeks since he had spoken to his friends and instead of making it better like he thought it would, it was just getting worse. He had fallen into a deeper depression and it did nothing to help the fact that he was being ostracized most of the whole student body. If anything the absence of his friends made it easier for those who were against to single him out.

On one hand there was those who openly glared at him, some even bold enough to speak up calling him names, and on the opposite side of the spectrum there was those who avoided him all together, calling him cursed; afraid to even go near him for no good reason. Regardless of whichever side they were on, the feelings towards him were still negative and left him feeling hurt and confused.

His friends had been nothing but loyal to him, and in return he cut them off. He knew it was unfair, but at the time but at the time it seemed like a good idea. It was his own battle to face, and they didn't need to be apart of the drama that was centered around his life at the moment. He figured allowing them in would only be wrong if the negativity was not only placed on him, but on them as well. He really didn't want to put them through that.

And then there was Hermione. His mind went on overdrive on just the thought of her and he let out another sigh. His heart and mind were at battle with themselves, and as the days passed his love for her only grew. The distance only made him want her more, and the unusual events of last night with her almost kissing him opened a connection that was unclear, exciting, and terrifying at the same time.

He could only wonder how long he could stay away from his friends, especially Hermione, and if it was worth it at all to begin with.

oooOOOOooo

When he walked into History of Magic that morning the first thing he noticed was that Hermione wasn't there. She usually was one of the first to show up, going over the text that was assigned the night before. She had a habit of reading ahead so she showed up earlier to go over her notes and refresh her memory of that chapter that they were working on. He knew no one as diligent to their studies as Hermione was.

That's why he was surprised to find her usual spot in the front of the class empty when Professor Binn's started the lesson. He kept on glancing back and forth from her seat to the door expecting her to walk in late. Not that she ever was. But he knew it wasn't like Hermione to miss a class. Unlike other students at their age, she thoroughly enjoyed studying, soaking up every bit of information as possible which in turn made her the brightest witch in school. For the past five years she never missed one class with the exception of her being petrified by the Basilisk during their second year. Hell, she even managed to attend more classes than anyone else by this point during their studies due to her Time Turner in third year.

There had to be something wrong. He took a glance at Ron who apparently didn't notice their friend's absence seeing as though he was already nodding off. Professor Binn's had barely even started. Despite his own fatigue and Professor Binn's droning he felt anxious and worried. The ghostly teacher's monotonous voice was easier to drown out as Harry went through all the worst case scenarios as to why Hermione didn't show up to class this morning. His nerves were on end and he felt worried sick as he sat in wonder. It only made the class feel longer than it really was.

By the time they were in their second period with Professor McGonagall it was apparent that Ron had woken up and realized that Hermione was not in attendance. Ron looked as worried as he felt. They both knew that it was rare that Hermione would rarely miss class, being as studious as she was. Clearly there had to be something wrong.

The whole class was spent with them shifting nervously in their seats taking quick glances at Hermione's empty chair, and on occasion each would steal a glance at each other, briefly holding eye contact with the same questioning look in their eyes. Ron's discomfort was more visible than his own as Ron continued to look wildly around the classroom looking at Hermione's dorm mates giving the same look to them that he had given Harry.

Eventually Professor McGonagall caught onto Ron's disruptive behavior. "Is there something wrong Mr. Weasley?" she asked abruptly looking annoyed for the interruption of the lecture.

"I was just wondering where Hermione was Professor," Ron mumbled slinking deeper into this seat at the stern look McGonagall was giving him.

"Her absence is excused," was all the professor said not quelling the worries that ran through Harry and Ron's head. If anything it made it worse, as the mauled over what kind of trouble Hermione might have gotten into. The division in their friendship twisted a knot of guilt in Harry's stomach and he sat the rest of the class brooding over the fact that whatever hindered Hermione from attending class today she had to bare through all alone. And that was entirely his fault.

The class dragged on, and Harry barely heard a word McGonagall had said during her lecture. His parchment designated for notes was left empty, his quill not a drop of ink on it. When class finally ended he gathered his belongings quickly wanting to catch up to Ron who was already halfway out the door.

"Mr. Potter, may I speak with you a moment please?" McGonagall said sternly and as he came to a halt.

"Sure Professor," he said uncomfortably and shifted under her gaze. He watched Ron go, feeling slightly irritated that the professor had stopped him before he was able to catch up with his best friend. Or used to be best friend, he heard his inner thoughts grumble ashamed.

"Do you know the reason why I need to have a word with you Mr. Potter?" She said looking down at him with an intimidating look.

"Yes, Professor," he mumbled not looking into her eyes.

"Your grades have fallen dramatically Mr. Potter. I'm guessing that Ms. Granger is no longer helping you with your studies?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

He just nodded, and when he said nothing else she took at deep breath. "May I ask why?"

"We've had a bit of a fall out Professor. It's not her fault, it's mine," Harry said not looking at her or giving the professor a further explanation.

She hummed sympathetically. "Mr. Potter, I do have eyes and ears you know. And I am full aware of the rumors going on about you right now. I can assure you, that without friends it will only make things harder on you."

McGonagall stared at him harshly for a second before her gaze turned sympathetic, "You really are a striking image of your father you know," she said in a nostalgic voice. Harry glanced up; it was not often that Minerva McGonagall let her usual stern façade fade away.

Yes, he had heard this numerous times and nodded to her "spitting image of my father… with my mother eyes."

She smiled back her eyes twinkling, "Yes Mr. Potter, but I was also referring to his entourage as well. Friendship was very important to him. And he grew up a very brilliant young man because of it. And with the addition to your mother it made his best attributes shine even brighter."

Harry listened in awe as McGonagall recalled the day when she first met his father in class, and how rowdy he and his friends were. It always filled him with a sense of wonder whenever he listened to stories of his parents, yet it also made him feel a bit envious, and especially with everything going on in his life presently it was starting to make him feel more lonely than ever.

He just swallowed and nodded slowly before cutting her off. He knew he wouldn't be able to take it much longer without having a nervous breakdown in front of the Transfigurations teacher, "may I go Professor? I don't want to be late for Potions."

She looked startled by his abruptness but curtly excused him. As he exited the door he heard her call out once more, "Mr. Potter, please take my advice to heart. I could only imagine what you may feel. But have you asked yourself how the must feel as well? Remember those who love you have feelings too."

He stalled in his tracks momentarily feeling overwhelmingly guilty but tried to shake it off and left.

Of course they had feelings. And he knew he was continuing to hurt their feelings with each passing day. Especially after what happened with Hermione in the common room yesterday.

He was determined to make it right. If only he could figure out how.

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