What matters, and what does not
Outside the wind is blowing, outside it's raining,
A terrorizing howl.
I watch you sleep, breathing sweetly,
In this peaceful room.
I want to kiss you, I'm afraid to wake you up,
I enter your dream, and I shout from the distance
That I love you.
In just a second,
I've understood what matters, and what does not,
The end of the world, the storm, the pain,
Are far away from this room.
Disappointments and ill omens,
Envy, intrigue,
Complicating, our lives
Lie far away from this bubble…
En un solo segundo (In just a second) - Amaral
I can't breathe properly; the air is thick and stifling. It feels like I'm drowning, and I'm so cold. I
look to the left, there he is, sleeping quietly, breathing rhythmically. His face shows peace; the nightmares and pain
are gone... For now.
The day has been long, and now, while I look at him, I remember the morning; cold, grey and unpleasant.
Ron. I don't know if I could explain to him what has happened. I don't want to hurt him, furthermore, if I did, Harry would suffer too. He will arrive in the morning; he had to stay home with Ginny to degnome the garden again… I personally think the Weasleys pretend everything is all right, so their children will believe that, but they don't notice that Ron and Ginny have already faced Voldemort.
The last twenty four hours are a little blurred in my mind, as if they were part of a dream. I'm dizzy and can't think properly. I'm scared and happy, trapped but free. But the choice is made, that's why I want to live everything once again, for both of us, though…
***
Harry had phoned her before going. His voice was dark; he didn't say much and that made her worry. She told him he shouldn't wander on his own, but he had decided; he said that Lupin would be there.
Hermione understood why Harry was there: he needed closure to Sirius' death, and visiting Grimmauld Place and Buckbeak was the best way to do it. But Hermione thought it was a bad idea, the old and sinister house was not the best place to start again; to wash the pain away; to say good bye.
When Hermione entered, she noticed it became harder to breathe. The house atmosphere was claustrophobic.
Sirius' mother looked at her with reprobation from the portrait, but said nothing. She looked different from what she remembered, and the hate in her eyes was mixed with something that looked a lot like pain. She soon cast her eyes away from Hermione's.
Harry was very pale and had a very bizarre look on his face. His eyes were red and damp.
'It's been too hard', she thought.
"Are you OK?" she asked. Harry nodded avoiding her eyes. "Where's Lupin?" said Hermione, looking around.
'The house hadn't changed at all,' she thought. It seemed impossible it had been the previous summer she was here.
"He's just left," Harry answered hoarsely, and began to walk to the stairs. "Let's carry your things to the room," he picked up her luggage, as if he needed something to do.
"It must be something very important for Lupin to leave you on your own." She stopped and stared at him, wondering if Lupin had ever been there, or even knew Harry was going to the house.
"I'M NOT A CHILD, HERMIONE!" he answered with gusto. Hermione could tell he was very distressed; he dropped the trunk heavily on the floor, and then left.
"I'm going to feed Buckbeak," he spoke in a tone that clearly meant that he wanted to be alone.
She stood in silence for a moment and shouted while he began to withdraw.
"Look, we all know you can take care of yourself, but we don't want you to -"
Harry stopped; shuddered with anger, and without turning said in a soft voice, "You know nothing. You have no idea of what's going on, not a hint, so don't tell me..." Harry paused for a moment, "I shouldn't have -"
"You're right, you shouldn't have come."
Harry stopped shivering, and said in a calm and cold voice, completely a stranger's, "- phoned you…I shouldn't have phoned you."
And he finished it at that, walking away, leaving her alone.
***
I get up and embrace myself with Harry's cloak, the room is frozen and the faint lights make odd shadows on the wall, I feel lonely and there is a persistent ache in my stomach, like a thousand pins stabbing in.
He's peaceful now, he needed some rest. I can hardly believe he doesn't have nightmares after what has happened since he arrived at Hogwarts.
"Sleep unconcerned," I tell him.
***
She unpacked when Harry had left; something inside her said it was a bad idea to remain in the house, but he needed her, (even though he wouldn't admit it).
Hermione grabbed some chocolate frogs and went to Buckbeak's room. Harry was talking to him very softly whilst brushing his head. She thought it would be appropriate to knock on the door first.
Harry turned and looked at her, evaluating the situation for a moment, "Come in", he said in the end.
While she looked at them, the boy and the hippogriff, it occurred to her that the look in their eyes was similar, old, sore and angry… She moved in close and handed him a chocolate frog.
"No, thank you."
"Come on, it will help you."
Harry avoided her eyes. At this moment Harry wasn't sure he wanted to be helped. She wondered if he was hurt beyond help, if he could ever heal. Reluctantly he accepted the chocolate, and began to eat whilst watching the hippogriff.
"How is Buckbeak?" asked Hermione, trying to start a conversation. She was afraid that he wouldn't be the same again; afraid she would never see him smile once more, primarily afraid of losing a friend.
Harry answered after a long pause, "He misses Sirius."
'You sure you're talking about Buckbeak?' she thought timidly.
"Harry... How are you?"
She cursed herself for such a stupid question, but it was too late. Harry's eyes flashed looking at her for a second, and then he looked down, bit his lip and remained in silence.
"Harry" Hermione put a hand in his shoulder, feeling that she needed to make him converse. He hadn't spoken a word about Sirius' death, and she couldn't believe he didn't want to. His misery was beginning to look so palpable…
"Harry", she repeated, "I just want to know how you're feeling."
Then he understood he had to face it, and that it wasn't Hermione's fault. He had phoned her. But he didn't want to tell her about the prophecy, nor Sirius' death,
"I'm not sure I want to talk about it," he said crustily, "I'm sorry about what I said before, but I still think I shouldn't have told you to come…I'm not good company right now."
Hermione embraced Harry, who felt utterly paralyzed. He didn't hold her, he didn't even breathe.
She whispered in his ear, "I'm your friend, Harry, and I don't care if you aren't good company, but I still think you need to talk. You can't keep it all inside."
Hermione stepped back a fraction, her hands still on his shoulders, and looked him sincerely in the eye. His green eyes were filling with tears as one lonely drop descended down his face. Hermione could tell he was fighting not to cry.
They stood silently for a moment, while he was struggling to say something, and in the end he almost whispered, "I'm doomed, Hermione."
'What did he mean by that?'
"What…?" she questioned. He didn't give her time to speak; he embraced her and started to cry softly in her arms, all his defences were gone.
***
I can't remember how long he cried, embracing me like I was the only salvation he had. Somehow I knew I had to be strong and brave for him, and do what I must. After hearing about the prophecy I felt I understood something: We are not so important, its just Harry, because he is our one salvation.
***
Harry needed time for recovery and composure. Afterwards he began to talk about Sirius, and everything that had happened. When he started to speak about the events in Dumbledore's office he broke off.
"Did you already know this?" he asked.
She denied with a gesture, "Go on, I don't want to interrupt you."
Harry continued about the prophecy and told Hermione what Dumbledore concluded from everything, "I shall be either a murderer or victim."
He concluded at that, and waited for a response from Hermione, who was thinking deeply.
"It's a very heavy burden."
That was all she could say in the end; she felt so useless for not having a solution.
Harry nodded serenely as he stared to the ground. Hermione looked at Harry as he raised his gaze. That was when she was struck with the intensity of the emotions she saw.
His eyes were full of pain; his anger had diminished, but he was also lost, pleading for a way out. Hermione simply took his hand and held it lovingly, not eluding his eyes.
"Harry, don't worry, we'll be by your side," she reassured, "he won't harm you."
His eyes were hypnotizing her; was he coming nearer? She noticed his expression had changed, "Hermione," he was captivated too, "I -"
She didn't allow him to finish, and launched into a kiss.
Gradually the kisses became deeper, and more passionate. Harry removed the hair away from Hermione's neck, and begun to kiss her gently, it made her breathe harder. She felt the need to kiss him; with her tongue, she searched for his lips and his taste.
There was something in the back of Hermione's head. Ron had asked her out, 'He'll hate Harry if he knew...' Hermione panicked inside.
"What's wrong?" he asked with his glasses mildly askew.
"I'm so happy," she lied, and then she kissed him again.
They spent the night in intimacy, very close, as though they were afraid of separating. Finally Harry fell asleep on Buckbeak back. He dreamt of Ron being happy for them; he dreamt of holding Hermione in the owlery, their kisses in the dark, of Sirius and his parents by his side…
***
I kiss him again, very softly. 'Is that a smile? No, it can't be, shouldn't be, he's sleeping.'
'You don't need more troubles, nor to lose a friend because of me. You'll never know, so it won't hurt, and I will never tell you about it.'
I point my wand at him and say: "Obliviate!"