Please don't think of me,
If you do you gotta block it,
I got chills tonight,
And you can't be here to stop it.
Maybe in another life,
We wouldn't be alone tonight.
If it's hurting you - Robbie Williams
What matters and what does not (02/02)
Harry and Ron are laughing, loud enough for Snape to take points from Gryffindor. It's healing to see them like that.
***
Ron and Ginny arrived just after dawn. Tired, I opened the door and told them Harry was still asleep. Ginny looked at me vaguely, it made me wonder. I must have looked awful: I hadn't combed my hair and, there were probably rings under my eyes; I hadn't slept at all.
I was so tired, luckily, Ginny offered to prepare breakfast. Ron greeted me with a hug and then he tried to kiss me. Harry's kisses were too recent, so I subtly avoided him.
The kitchen table had a fine layer of dust, and that confirmed to me that it had been a long time since Lupin or the Order used the house. Ron and I cleaned while Ginny cooked. The smell of food bought a sudden hunger to my stomach; I didn't eat dinner last night.
When everything was almost ready, Harry appeared, stretching profusely. I don't know why, but he resembled an uncombed kitty. He looked calm and self-confident…
A small voice peaked in the back of my head, 'I hope the charm worked.'
Harry caught my eye and smiled at me furtively, 'Why is he smiling that way?' I looked at him with a worried glance, but he wasn't glazing at me. He seemed shy; I think Ginny saw him smiling. 'You're getting paranoid,' I said to myself, 'he remembers nothing.'
Harry was devouring the food, whilst I was pretending the opposite; eating bit by bit, trying not to make it too obvious that I was as hungry as he was.
"I'm glad you like it," said Ginny smiling, as if she knew something was going on.
"What are we going to do today?" asked Ron.
Before anybody else answered, I voiced an opinion, "I thought we could go to Diagon Alley." I still believed we needed to get Harry out of the house.
"It's okay with me, but I would like to see Buckbeak beforehand." Ron stood, smiling, "Are you coming, Harry?" Without an answer, he took Harry's robes in hand and pulled.
Harry denied with a gesture. "mm eetin," he spoke stiffly. Ron winked, and made a gesture with his head so Harry would follow him.
I had a feeling Ron wanted to tell him we were dating. "I'm sure he feels lonely," Ron spoke slowly, and winked once more. Finally, Harry understood Ron wanted to talk to him; privately. Harry gulped down his remaining food, and followed Ron out of the room.
***
As soon as they left I tried to concentrate on food, but I was no longer hungry. When we couldn't hear their footsteps, Ginny closed the door and spoke brazenly.
"What happened with Harry?"
I looked at her in a surprised manner. "Nothing," I denied.
"I'm not a fool. Just because my brother isn't noticing doesn't mean you have the right to-"
"Ginny," I interrupted, "you know I love your brother. I would never hurt him…"
'I can't believe she thinks I'm playing with Ron's feelings!'
"Did you kiss?"
I didn't expect such a direct question, so I avoided her gaze. I didn't want to be judged; I was too conscious of what I'd done.
"But he doesn't know," I began to doubt for a moment, "I think."
"Was he asleep?" Ginny scrutinized my face and then an idea struck her. "No… You wouldn't have," she waited for me to deny what she was thinking; but I didn't. "Did you… Obliviate?" I could tell from her face she was disconcerted.
Before I could answer, the boys came back. I noticed something was wrong with Harry's expression, but I didn't dare ask.
I was hoping Ginny wouldn't say anything; she seemed to have a very lifeless expression on her face. Ron sat down by my side and caressed my hair. That gesture in a different moment in time would have calmed me; instead, it increased my misery.
***
"…I would have Owled you, but I wanted to tell you in person." Ron was cheerfully talking to Harry, "We wanted you to know that we're not going to put you aside, you're still our friend." I couldn't help but shudder.
Harry looked at me. "I have something to tell you." There was a deep disappointment in his gaze.
"What's wrong?" said Ginny in a soft voice.
Harry was standing, staring at us fixedly. I recognized that stare. Ginny looked doubtfully at me, I pleaded to her with a silent gape.
I could see, like the previous night, Harry had doubts. I felt the impulse of embracing him, and for a second I felt my arms around his shoulders.
"The prophecy," he said.
I tried not to show what I was thinking, 'Don't. Harry, don't go through this again.'
Harry spoke once more about the prophecy and the conversation with Dumbledore. I became more and more tense as Ron continued stroking my hair. I could no longer stand it anymore, so I put my hair back brusquely and make a bun with the help of a quill.
Harry stopped speaking. Ron looked at me wondering, but said nothing.
"I'm sorry," I muttered as I felt a turn in my stomach. Harry was staring at me intensely, startled. I looked back at him while I hid my hands under the table; they were shaking.
"You were saying…" spoke Ginny, as she took the quill from my hair, "its better this way."
Harry composed himself, and began to speak, looking towards me. I started to wonder if the charm had really worked. It wasn't that I was nervous. I was just sure he knew.
"…That the prophecy could have applied to two boys. One was me. The other was Neville." The previous night he had used the same words.
Ron looked relieved, "Then maybe it's not you. Neville seems to be improving a lot," he pointed out.
"No, Ron, there's no doubt. Voldemort marked me. I must kill him"
***
'I don't feel like going to Diagon Alley at all. I feel like being alone. I don't want to see any of their faces. And I would like to tell Harry, be embraced by him, tight, and everything would be all right.'
Standing in my room, I was finding what I needed, not much really; some money, my cloak and my wand.
I heard the door knock behind me, and ignored it. I wasn't ready to see anyone.
"Hermione?"
I turned slowly to see Ginny. "Yes?" I wanted to ask if she had told anything to Ron or Harry, but something in her face told me she didn't.
"Are you ready?" I shrank my shoulders. 'not really' I thought, 'however, what does it matter? We have to go.'
"Did you know about the prophecy?" Ginny asked.
"Yes," I admitted, "he told me yesterday. That's why I erased his memory. He's very important, and that makes our problems insignificant. Ron and I are just as important to help Harry to vanquish Voldemort and to help him remain alive after that battle."
Ginny gave me an unsettled look before she trailed out the room.
***
"I don't think this is a good idea."
It was the second time I had said it, but Harry was taking no notice. In fact, he hadn't talked to me since we left the kitchen. He had the Floo powder flask and he was ready to use it.
"Wait," Ginny stopped him, "let Ron and I go first, it's safer."
Ron agreed. Since Harry had talked about the Prophecy he assumed he now played a big brother role. "When we arrive, I'll stick out my head to confirm you that the coast is clear."
"All right," Harry didn't look convinced.
Ron and Ginny entered the fireplace. "Diagon Alley!" And they had disappeared in a cloud of ashes.
As soon as they left, Harry spoke, "Do you know I've been practicing Occlumency during the summer?"
"That's good," I said with a light smile, "that way Voldemort won't be able to use you." I began to feel I couldn't breathe; this assertion was not casual at all.
Harry had a frozen smirk. "I guess that's the problem, everybody uses me and decides for me, don't you think, Hermione?
'He knows.'
My hands were shaking again, but this time I couldn't hide them under the table,
"Harry -"
"I though I had dreamt about it… Until I saw this," he withdrew my hair from my neck; I couldn't help but shiver. He pointed at a slight bruising, "I did this to you, didn't I?"
I hadn't seen my neck, though I could imagine what he was pointing at. I felt a lump in my throb, and tears appearing. "You don't understand."
"Explain it; it's the least you owe me." He crossed his arms and looked at me impassively. "Then we'll talk about what you owe to Ron."
"No, we have to talk about him now, too." Harry's features stiffened and he set his jaw. 'I would like to be close to him and embrace him… Nevertheless, that would only complicate things.'
"I never thought you'd be capable of it; you betray him and then you erase my memory so I say nothing." The words thrust into me one by one; I made a great effort not to cry, all I could do was divert my gaze.
"I did it for you," I told him. He had a slight smirk. "I think you need our support to defeat Voldemort. You have a too big responsibility to lose Ron's friendship, maybe it is selfish, but I want to be your friend. I think you need all of us by your side, Harry."
Talking hurt too much, but I needed to go on, "I don't know what you remember of that dream, but what happened last night was very important to me. And if I could change the prophecy and make Ron understand what occurred…" It didn't matter what I said, he'd got a right not to believe me.
My voice began trembling, moreover, I didn't know if what I was saying made any sense. "Maybe I shouldn't have gone out with Ron, and it was stupid to lie him, use you, and decide for you…" I sighed and looked him gently in the eye. "I couldn't help it. I'm sorry; I've tried to arrange things so everything remained like nothing had taken place. I wanted to wait a couple of days and break up with Ron; without a drama… I wanted to remain friends…" Harry just stared blandly. "Tell me what you want me to do," I told him.
Harry didn't answer; I don't know what he was thinking. All I knew was that I had to turn so he wouldn't see me crying.
I heard footsteps behind me; I felt Harry's hand in my pocket. I didn't move. He grabbed my wand and placed it in my hand, held my arms and made me turn, slowly. I felt like a little girl… He softly held my hand, which was holding the wand, and pointed it at himself. I raised my eyes and glanced at him, he didn't look angry any longer.
His lips moved without making any sound, "Finite Incantatum," and he repeated it when he saw the surprise on my face. "I think I have the right to remember what happened, and not to think it was a dream," he told me.
"Hermione!" Ginny's head has just appeared in the fireplace.
"Calm down, Ginny, everything is all right," Harry tranquilised her.
"You can come; there is nothing to worry about."
"Why did it take you so long?" I asked; I still felt that it might not be safe.
"Because I thought you would like to talk, and I've sent Ron to inspect exhaustively some shops to verify there is no danger. It will take him five more minutes. Don't linger," Ginny's head disappeared and Harry looked at me amazed.
"You told her?"
"She guessed," I looked at the fireplace and thanked her in silence for these moments.
Harry held my hand again; my pulse began to race, and I couldn't help a little smile. He pointed at himself with my wand once again.
Though I had doubts I said, "Finite Incantatum"
He opened his eyes very wide and threw his head back. For a second I thought something had gone wrong. I embraced him instinctively. "Harry!"
Harry recovered and looked at me sweetly; this is yesterday's Harry…
"Hermione…" He leaned towards me, but I couldn't allow it, though I yearned for it. I put two fingers on his lips, shushing him.
"No, Harry, you know it can't be, at least for now," he kissed my fingers and I wanted to die, "We have to go."
"At least for now…" He repeated, "When…?"
"When Ron can understand it, and when I'm sure I won't distract you from your mission"
He moved away from me and walked towards the fireplace with a hesitant look. "Will you stay by my side?" he asked.
"I'll always be by your side," I assured him, as I entered the fireplace. He joined me and squeezed my hand.
As he turned to me he smiled hastily. I noticed there was a tear trapped in his glasses.
Squeezing my hand back, he spoke, "To Diagon Alley!"
***
Today Ron has talked to me while Harry wasn't around. It's a big improvement from last month behaviour. Ginny has helped me a lot with him, and yesterday night, in the Common Room she told me why she has helped me so often, 'I would have done the same', she said.