Authors note- Thanks to all for your kind responses. I am posting this on both fanfiction.net and portkey.org but I had a harder time putting it up on portkey until recently. Anyways I'm looking at improving my writing skills so if anyone has any critiquing they would like to do please don't hesitate. Even flames are welcome. I've had a lot of practice with rejection. ;)
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Harry couldn't move. Shock wasn't a strong enough word. Here he was standing inside his room minding his own business when suddenly Hermione comes into his life from out of nowhere, giving him one of the biggest, if not THE biggest hugs he had ever received in his life. She was also mumbling something into his shoulder, but Harry could only make out about every fifth word or so, words like 'sorry' and 'staying' and 'letters' and 'blame', but one that stood out above the rest was 'death'. Eventually she wound down and just continued hugging him as if everything depended on the one simple fact that if she was hugging him, nothing could happen. Harry started to enjoy the hug, but too many things were going around in his head.
"Hermione," Harry questioned, finally coming out of his catatonic state (still not a strong enough word, in Harry's opinion) "what's going on? Why are you here? Did something happen to you?"
She looked up at him, backing out of the hug now, but her hands grasping his forearms, and surprise clearly showing on her face. "Did something happen to me? That's the question I should be asking you," she sounded slightly irritated at the moment, for reasons Harry couldn't figure. She continued, "All I know is there is a sudden reading of magic in the area, wandless no less, and a huge scream that I immediately recognized as you. It could be heard for blocks, Harry." She looked at him sternly then. "Oh Harry, please don't tell me you have been fooling around with wandless magic to get back at your relatives."
"Uh, um……. what?" Harry asked, getting more and more confused by the second. 'What is she doing here?'
"Harry!" Uh oh. When Hermione last used that tone of voice, it was to lecture about needing to study for OWLs, and wouldn't accept any argument to the contrary. "You know that it isn't allowed to play around with muggles like that! I'm not even sure what the Ministry is going to do about this. Well, this is a fine pickle. I come over here, thinking you were in some kind of trouble and here I find you…" at this point she actually looked around the room from the threshold they hadn't moved from yet, "…….collecting …….feathers?" she finished quietly and confusedly.
Harry sighed, and back-stepped into the room, pulling away from Hermione and the death-grip she had on his forearms. "Why don't you come in, Hermione?" he invited, going back to his bed and sitting down. She came in looking around, obviously trying to decide what to do. She looked from Harry, to the pile of feathers, to the small desk and chair, up to the ceiling and around the bare walls and out the window and slowly came back to Harry.
After regarding him, no, studying him for a few moments, she sat down on the hard chair he had for his desk. She looked like she had several questions for him, but was holding herself back for some reason, perhaps just to give him time to adjust to the fact that she was actually here, in his room. Harry felt the shock of her arrival slowly leaving his system as they sat in their respective seats for a few more seconds, that stretched into minutes that seemed like hours to Harry, so her apparent plan seemed to be working. He was, however, feeling rather confused at the moment. 'Hermione is here. Why is she here? How did she get here? Why was it that she was here and not someone else? Where is the Order? Why aren't they here? Do they know she is here? Is she suddenly part of the Order? Why?!?'
Hermione seemed to jump suddenly, as if surprised and a bit scared. It reminded him of her reactions to him last year when he was in a mood. She swallowed and said "Why what, Harry?"
Oh. He must have spoken that last part out loud. Unfortunately now that the question was out in the open, Harry found he really didn't care for a real answer. "Never mind, Hermione, it's not important." All the answers he received lately had just led to pain.
They sat there for a few more silent minutes studying each other. Harry still had trouble believing she was here, perhaps it was a dream but he didn't care about that at the moment. She seemed like the first real human contact that he had had since leaving Hogwarts. Even then he had not been really receptive to communicating with people, had hardly spoken to anyone except when asked a direct question. But having her beside him now made him realize how much he craved… something. He couldn't pinpoint what it was but whatever it was he craved it like almost nothing else in life. Maybe it was companionship, or someone who understands what he's been through, or trust. None of these thoughts felt completely right to Harry but they came close. The Order, in sending their people, just wasn't the same as seeing someone whom you had come to rely on for the last 5 years of your life.
"I'm sorry," Harry said suddenly.
Hermione seemed to blink suddenly, shaking her head as if waking up. "Whatever for, Harry?"
"For yelling at you just now. I didn't mean to have that come out. For this past year. I've been a great prat this past year." Words were suddenly coming out of him like a fountain of water. He couldn't seem to keep it all in. "I don't like yelling at you, and I'm sorry I did, I know you were just looking out for me. I'm sorry that you are here now, worrying about my sanity. I'm sorry that I make you worry so much. I'm sorry that you have so much in your life to worry about." Harry could no longer keep eye contact. He had to look anywhere but into her face. "I'm sorry that you and your parents are in danger……. in danger because of me."
"Harry……."
"I'm sorry that you got hurt……." Harry's breath hitched, " that you got hurt so badly because you followed me where I shouldn't have gone, where you warned me not to go. You just lay there on the ground like you were dead, and I couldn't think. You've always been there for me. All last year you tried to tell me to do what was right…" Harry trailed off as an unpleasant memory surfaced suddenly, 'There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it….…' A feeling of horror passed over him. 'Which one am I?'
Those thoughts hit too close to home, too near the mark for him to ignore. All these emotions, one on top of the other all day, became too much for him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'm so sorry……." he kept whispering these words over and over, never noticing that he had curled up into himself, never noticing that she had climbed onto the bed with him, hugging him to herself and rocking him until, exhausted, he fell into a deep sleep