A/N: Whoa!! What a response!! Great galloping balls of hippogriff dung!!! Thank you guys so much for all those reviews... honestly! It is sooooooooooooo much appreciated. Your reviews were an inspiration and spurred me on to write more and better. I hope you like this one, and please let me know! I'll be writing one more chapter, when they finally meet up again. Rock on!
II
Rome, Italy
August 18, 1996
Dear Harry,
I must confess that after I wrote the above two words in salutation, I simply sat here and stared at them for a pathetically long time in awe at how perfectly they summed up my feelings.
Dear Harry.
Oh, I can't articulate to you how I've been these past few days! Words fail me - which, as you can attest, is no mean feat. The sights and sounds of Rome that used to so captivate me (and I've learned some truly fascinating wizard history here too. Did you know that the ceiling of the Pantheon isn't actually as high as it seems? It's just been enchanted to appear that way.) seem almost trivial since I received your letter. My parents have been exchanging concerned glances, which is no wonder as my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I might be hopping around the hotel room clutching your letter and the next I'm sitting with my bemused parentals in some fancy Italian restaurant blinking back tears as excerpts float through my brain.
Because, of course, I've memorized it.
To say I was blown away by your letter would be a gross understatement. I had no idea you could write like that, Harry Potter! If you hadn't reassured me that it was really you who wrote it, I would have thought it a cruel prank. Don't get me wrong, I've always known you are smart, you are intelligent but, honestly, it's easy to forget just how much when I have to constantly harp on you just to get you to do your homework.
Where have you been hiding this side of you? Because I would certainly have welcomed a glimpse of him before now!
I'm sorry for not responding right away. I hope I haven't caused you any unnecessary worry? But I needed time to assimilate what I had read. And re-read. And re-read. I needed time to better, more thoroughly examine my own feelings and be as honest with myself as you so eloquently were. Then, I needed to decide if I was willing to take the risk. Did I want to be as honest with you as you were with me? Did I want to open myself up so vulnerably?
And after much thought, much agonizing, I've decided 'yes' to all those things. Yes, I am willing to take this risk. Yes, I want to be even half as honest as you've been with me in your letter. I know I would regret it horribly for the rest of my life if I let this opportunity slip away.
And yes, I'm very glad that I'm safely away in Rome! I think the fact that we're physically so far away from each other helped me greatly in my decision, though, of course, we'll inevitably have to see each other again.
But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, as the Muggles so niftily say.
Oh, Harry, that was the most wondrous thing I have ever received in my entire life, and that includes my Hogwarts letter! I wept as I read it the first time and probably every time afterwards. The depth of emotion, the depth of honesty! Thank you for doing that for me. Thank you for writing it, for sending it. I cannot tell you how much it means that you chose me to open up your heart to, to have you acknowledge me as not just Hermione Granger, your bookworm gal-pal.
I had no idea what I was getting into by being best friends with two boys, especially when one of them was the most famous of our generation. I certainly didn't plan or intend for that to happen. I'd read about you, of course, and from the dates provided, I figured you would be at Hogwarts the same time as I was. I figured I'd probably bump into you every now and then, but the whole concept of The-Boy-Who-Lived didn't penetrate. I think you had to have grown up in the wizarding world, grown up hearing the story to develop the right type and level of awe.
It's very fortunate for us that I'm Muggle-born, isn't it? I didn't meet you already suckled and weaned on stories of your greatness so I could treat you like any other new person in this strange new world. And I think that's the stepping stone of our friendship - we started out on equal footing. After our initial meeting on the train, you were just another first year to me, which was why I had no qualms about letting you know when I thought you were acting out of order.
It probably didn't seem that way but I was terrified my entire first year at Hogwarts. I had always felt strange before I received my letter; I knew I was different but I didn't know how or why. And then I discovered I was a witch and suddenly, everything made sense and I was off, practically, to the wonderful land of Oz.
But I'd also always been a lonely child, a loner, frequently buried behind a book for lack of anything more corporeal to be consumed by. I wanted so badly to make a good impression, to prove myself. Unfortunately, I chose one of the worst ways of going about it and stopped any potential friendships dead in their tracks. I had wasted that enormous opportunity I had been given to change the social trajectory of my first decade of life, and the day that I overheard Ron's comment was the day that I admitted to myself that nobody liked me - as usual and once again - and I was doomed to forever be an outcast, even among my own kind.
I was utterly and thoroughly devastated.
And then, you saved my life.
Bear with me here, Harry, but it was the first time I had glimpsed something of the legend, The-Boy-Who-Lived. You didn't have to go back. You didn't have to risk your life to help a girl whom you didn't even like, a girl who thrust her nose into your business more than once (I'm embarrassed for myself at the memory. What a little busybody I was!). You didn't have to convince Ron to go along.
But you did. You did, Harry. And another first - it was the first time someone unrelated to me had gone out of their way, so far out of their way, on my behalf. And I opened my eyes and my heart to you, as a friend. I could see myself in you, the fierce hunger to prove yourself, the thirst for companionship, the fear of this new world. Near everything I felt seemed amplified in you - and with good reason.
And the more time I spent with you, the better I got to know you, the more I admired you. The more I respected you. The more I was astounded that you even saw fit to count me among your friends.
Because even though you refuse to see it in yourself, Harry, you are an exemplary human being. You had qualities - and in such quantities! - as an eleven year old that grown men labor fruitlessly for. Even after the horrors of your childhood, you have such an astonishing capacity to love. You see people, beyond labels, beyond backgrounds.
I'm trying to be painfully honest here, ok? So I would be lying if I said I've never questioned exactly why I'm still friends with you. I am admitting that, yes, I have sometimes regretted that we're friends, although that hasn't happened for a while. I knew you never did it intentionally but you and Ron have hurt my feelings a few times.
Please don't beat yourself up about that; it was just you being a typical boy. As "not normal" as you are, Harry, in some ways you are very normal for a guy your age. Paradoxical, huh?
And, you know, the times when I've questioned my friendship with you almost always had something to do with Ron. In the beginning of our friendship, you and Ron were much closer than you and I or Ron and I. I guess it was because you're both guys and at those ages, another guy needed to be your closest friend. A little part of me was jealous, but deep down I understood. And I tried my very best to support you in every way I could - even if that support sometimes included tactics that you didn't like very much.
But sometimes I felt like I was merely the third wheel to your friendship with Ron. I was just the one you turned to when you needed information. When the chips were down, it was Ron you would go to first and it especially hurt in fourth year when Ron was selected as what you would miss most, for the Second Task of the Triwizard Tournament.
But every time I tried to list the negatives of being friends with you, I infallibly ended up listing the positives. You and Ron were the best things to ever happen to me. You have taught me to really live life, that life is so much more than books and cleverness. You, Harry, have taught me to look beyond myself - in second year when you freed Dobby. I never told you how proud I was of you, that you - a mere 12 year old - brought so much positive change, so much joy to another creature's life. Dobby's reaction everytime he sees you speaks volumes and I wanted to do something too.
I wanted to be like you.
And I still do. Oh Harry, if I can claim to have even half your qualities, half your ability to love, half your loyalty!
And here, I must disagree with something you said in your letter. You said if you were instead the friend in someone else's.. erm.. (Ok, I'm paraphrasing here. Wipe that smirk off your face, Potter!) complicated existence, you would have severed ties a long time ago. Objection, Your Honor. I have staggering and overwhelming evidence that when Harry Potter acquires someone's friendship, that person has a friend for life. I don't think you even know how to be disloyal.
And every person who gets to know you, who is a friend of yours can't help but stay by your side. You command love, Harry, and the command cannot be ignored or denied.
No wonder Voldemort is threatened by you!
I, for one, certainly could not ignore the command. I'm not exactly sure when it was that my feelings began to change. Because they did. It was all so gradual, there was no major 'lightbulb moment' so to speak; though if I had to guess, I would say it started during that first time you snuck into Hogsmeade during third year. Remember? Probably not, but I was in a near hysteria, worrying that you would get caught, that something bad would happen. You and Ron were trying to calm me down and then you said something like "Are you going to report me?" and you grinned.
A sweet, boyish, lop-sided grin.
And I remember becoming flustered, my train of thought derailed in the face of that grin and I could only stammer like a stupefied fangirl. Imagine that - Hermione Granger, dumbstruck and stuttering.
But I didn't stop to think about it. Not for a while. If I had, especially in addition to all that developed later, I would surely have figured it out a lot sooner than I did.
Because steadily, you were the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep. Steadily, you were the first thing I thought of when I awoke. Steadily, that thought of you sent ever-strengthening shivers of delight and anticipation down my spine as I bounded down the stairs, eager to be in your presence again.
I found myself observing you, watching the way you frown at a difficult assignment, the way you dunk your sausages in way too much ketchup, the way your eyes twinkle when you're trying not to laugh. I found ways of inserting you into nearly every conversation I had. I found myself excited to show you something, to tell you something first, wondering energetically what your reaction would be when I did.
Yet, still I didn't look at it. I didn't analyze this curious phenomenon. I was very confused, even as I didn't know why I was confused. They say there is none so blind as those that won't see, but I think it's actually those who won't even look. Perhaps I was afraid to really look. And, you can imagine how very frustrating that was for me. I don't like not knowing things. Even my books, usually an omniscient, omnipresent help in my times of need, proved useless. There was no book available to tell me what to do about my confusion, because I didn't know what I was confused about.
All I knew was that I couldn't stop talking about you, Harry; I couldn't stand being away from you; I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to you, which translated into my doing everything I could to arm you, to keep you safe, to help you deal with these monstrous responsibilities.
Funnily enough, it was Viktor Krum, of all people, who opened my eyes to it all. Poor Viktor. He was so nice, so sweet. He was exactly what I needed at that point in time. Viktor was the first person of the opposite sex to really pay attention to me as Hermione - the girl, the young woman. And he treated me wonderfully - especially compared to the way Ron did at the Yule Ball (and no, he hasn't apologized). He genuinely liked me and was unafraid to let me know it, and what did he get in return?
A confused young woman who couldn't stop prattling on and on about her best friend. I didn't even realize just how much I was talking about you, Harry; I just couldn't help myself. And Viktor is no fool. If I had talked about Ron even half as much as I did about you, he probably wouldn't have gotten suspicious.
But as it was, he was the one who called me on it, who made me really think and just as in your case, it was a domino effect (I don't know if there's a wizard equivalent of dominoes. I might look it up when we get back to school).
And the truth was undeniable and startling in its brilliance.
Which was why this year was so difficult. I felt your pain; your every ache reverberated in my soul, and even fiercer now that I knew how I felt about you. Oh Harry, so many times I wanted to take you in my arms and just hold you and tell you everyting would be alright! So many times I wanted to kiss your anguished forehead and that infernal scar that I both love and hate.
But I didn't dare. The last thing you needed was one more complication, and I convinced myself that you needed our friendship to remain more or less uncomplicated. In all honesty, though, I was scared. And besides, you were enamored with the lovely Miss Cho Chang. Why would you even look at me? It killed me but I was determined that you get some of the happiness you so deserve, and if Cho Chang was what made you happy, then so be it.
Because you do deserve to be happy. You are so busy looking out for others that you forget about yourself. And exactly how you can even consider yourself selfish, Harry, is beyond even my realm of comprehension. From the moment you stepped back into the wizarding world, you have been giving and giving of yourself. You have been sacrificing your childhood, your youth for a world that changes loyalties almost daily. You have shouldered responsibilities that any other person would likely have buckled under a long time ago.
I know you'll say you had no choice. But you did and you do. You could choose not to stand up to the Dark side. You could choose to stand back and let scum like Malfoy insult and mistreat whomever he pleases, unmolested. But you've time and time again chosen to do what is right instead of what is easy.
I am so proud of you, Harry! And I would rather have died than let anything happen to you. I would rather have been expelled than let you venture out alone. I would rather be reviled by the whole of civilization than entrust anyone else with your care. That's why I disliked Professor Trelawney from the very first time I met her. Anybody who can be that cavalier about the millstones of your existence, to the point of casually throwing the danger in your face at every opportunity, doesn't deserve an ounce of my respect.
I am so sorry about Sirius. And his death was not your fault, Harry Potter! I should have tried harder. I should have been clearer in demonstrating that it was all a trap. Oh, how I loathe Voldemort! I hate him for what he's done to you, what his existence has forced you to endure. I am hungry for his vanquishment, if only so you can be free of him and these flagitious burdens.
But as long as I draw breath, I will do everything I can to sustain you. I want to be by your side; the thought of anywhere else is unbearable. Because, Harry, you see, I need you. I need you as much as, if not more, than you need me. You have been such a pivotal influence in defining who I am. What was my life before Hogwarts, before you? Was it even worthy of being called a life?
You have taught me the value of friendship. You have taught me that somebody can care so much for another person that the mere thought, the mere sight of that person becomes a sweet-smelling elixir of life. Who needs the Sorcerer's Stone-
Have you figured it out yet?
Because I don't know exactly when it happened, Harry, but sometime during the past five years, I fell in love with you too. And everything I've done, everything I've become, every time I've scolded, nagged or just plain harassed you, I've done it with the blessed weight of that love resting on my head, leaning on my shoulders, caressing my heart. And that awareness of you, that love has become so intertwined in my existence, in who I am as Hermione Granger that, you know, if I were ever to lose it, I might as well just perish.
And oh God, I am terrified of the changes that are inevitable in our relationship, now that we've blasted the blinders, the shutters, the boundaries to smithereens. I am frightened of how Ron will react when he finds out how you and I feel about each other, even as I'm hoping that he'll surprise us with a show of maturity. I'm scared of how the world, how Voldemort will try to take advantage of this strange new thing that we've discovered.
But the song that erupted in my head and my heart when I read your letter won't let me dwell on my fears for too long. I am so happy, Harry! I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to finally give in to that urge to hold you longer than a friend reasonably should; to look into your eyes and say what I've wanted to say for so long, with the beautiful and terrifying knowledge that you feel the same way!
Just a little time.. just a few more days...
But until then-
I love you. I love you, Harry, always. And forever.
Yours,
Hermione