Unofficial Portkey Archive

Although this is posted under my author account, this is a joint project written between myself and Cheering Charm over the past several weeks. The entire story was her brainchild, I just came along for the ride.

If you are an ardent H/H supporter-and if you're reading this you are...check out her fic Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered…it is NOT to be missed!!! From VLeigh to you, it's absolutely wonderful and one of my favorites!

This is our first go at a comedy, we anxiously await any feedback you are able to offer. It's also our first "team" project.

DISCLAIMER: If we owned anything remotely close to JK Rowling's world Of Harry Potter, we would be sipping mint juleps on the back 40 of our estate in Bermuda. As it is - beer is as close as we get. This is loosely based on any number of films with the same premise, most recently "Freaky Friday." It is intended for humor and it thus AU. Please Note: Draco Malfoy is a git, but he is not evil.

That being said-we hope we can bring you a few laughs! Enjoy!!

Day One -Wednesday

Completely fixated on the assignment she held in her hand, Hermione Granger stalked out of the classroom, thoroughly unaware of the other students leaping to get out of her way. The look on her face clearly broadcast her mood to anyone brave enough to look.

She was furious.

I can't believe I could be so thick! What could've possessed me to think THAT would be the answer to question four? And five…who knows what alternate universe to which my brain fled during that essay! Everyone knows the magical properties of the numbers 7 and ascending odd numbers have an inversely proportional effect on the strength of the disillusionment charm! This is the worst mark I've ever received in Arithmancy!

It was not only the worst mark she'd ever received in her favorite class, it was the worst mark she'd received in any class. She answered two of the eight essay questions incorrectly. While most students, namely her best friends Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, would likely be celebrating over such a "dismal" performance, 75% was totally unacceptable for Hogwarts' most successful witch.

I will fix these straight away and beg Professor Vector to consider changing my grade. I'll grovel if I have to!

"Hermione!" Ginny called from the corridor. "Hermione!"

Hermione spun on one heel, her robes whipping around her body in a dramatic flourish. "What!" she snapped.

"Whoa, Granger!" Ginny said, throwing her hands into the air in surrender. "Filch will not be happy if you spontaneously combust in the corridor. What's the matter?"

"This!" she replied, waving the parchment in front of Ginny's face. "And for the record, I don't care one jot about whether Filch is happy or not," Hermione finished, shoving the offensive piece of paper into Ginny's hands.

"Oh, sweetie," Ginny said, looking up from Hermione's assignment with a concerned look. Hermione's shoulders relaxed slightly.

At least she'll understand why I'm so angry.

"None of us care if Filch is happy," Ginny continued in a sickly sweet voice.

"UGH!" Hermione roared, snapping her parchment out of Ginny's hands as her dear friend tried desperately to maintain a straight face. Hermione stormed off toward the library, leaving Ginny shuddering in a futile attempt to contain her laughter.

Weasleys! The entire lot of them! Insufferable!

Ginny quickly composed herself and attempted to rectify the situation. "Hermione, I'm sorry! You looked like you could use a laugh." Her voice was a bit breathless. The approaching footsteps echoing against the stone walls were clearly that of Ginny trying to keep up. "Hermione, please stop. Talk to me!"

Hermione stopped so abruptly that Ginny almost barreled right into her.

"Why should I? So you can make fun of me some more?" Hermione fisted her hands against her hips and glared at Ginny.

"Hermione, I promise I wasn't making fun of you. I know you're upset about your mark in Arithmancy. I was only trying to cheer you up. What can I do to rid the world of this person in front of me and bring our Hermione back?" Ginny inquired calmly.

Damn, how does she do that?

In addition to her academic prowess, Hermione was also well known for her verbal sparring ability. No one at Hogwarts was more familiar with that than Ron. Their rows had nearly become legend in the seven years they attended the school of witchcraft and wizardry.

Ginny was not far removed from Ron's experience.

Hermione had spent so much of her time with Ron and Harry she'd never realized what she was missing in a close female companion. Ginny filled that role very well. Although a year her junior, Ginny and Hermione had become very close, and shared all the intimate secrets adolescent girls do. Unfortunately, that placed Ginny in Hermione's "line of fire" upon occasion. To her credit, she was always able to calm Hermione down faster than anyone else…well, almost anyone. Harry Potter was, by far, the most effective at stemming the tide of a trademark Hermione Hurricane.

Before Hermione could respond, Ginny quietly took the parchment back and answered her own question. "Let's go to the library and I'll help you find the right answers to these." Hermione smiled.

They set off together, Hermione inwardly admonishing herself for having lost her temper, Ginny reading Hermione's paper as they walked…

…right into Draco Malfoy.

Both Ginny and Malfoy crashed to the floor, sprawling various books, quills, and parchment the full width of the corridor.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Ginny exclaimed, without noticing with whom she had collided. She brushed herself off and began collecting the books when his drawling voice, filled with disdain, clarified his identity.

"Great gods, Weasel! Don't you know you're not coordinated enough to read and walk at the same time! Look at this!" he roared. Aside from Malfoy's belongings strewn about the floor, a cracked ink bottle had managed to spill onto his robes. Before she had a chance to reply, he continued, "Great! Now I look like a Weasley…tattered and ink stained hand me down robes from some second-hand consignment shop!" Hermione couldn't help but notice the slits that replaced Ginny's eyes. She knew that look. Hermione might lose her temper more often, but she wasn't nearly as dangerous as "livid" Ginny.

"You should be so lucky ferret boy!" Hermione said, in a desperate attempt to step in before Ginny could demonstrate any number of illegal hexes on the protruding parts of Malfoy's body.

"Shut it, mudblood!" Malfoy sneered.

"I suggest you watch your language Malfoy." It was the unmistakable chilled voice of Harry Potter. Ginny and Hermione turned to see Harry striding up the corridor behind them, wand at the ready.

"Oh, look! It's Granger's little boyfriend. Come to take up for Ms. Perfect have you, Potter?" Malfoy was pulling his own wand from his robes as he spoke.

"Harry is not my boyfriend Malfoy." Hermione said indignantly. She was far too involved with the Slytherin in front of her to notice the expression that comment produced on Harry's face.

"Is that so? Well, maybe there is hope for you yet, Potter. I can't imagine why anyone would want to date Granger anyway. Even Potty here, as sadly desperate as he is, would at least like a little more to play with." He inclined his head toward Hermione's chest as she gasped audibly. Her mouth bobbed open and closed, searching for some equally scathing remark, but nothing came to her before Malfoy continued.

"Granger, maybe you could score a boyfriend if you actually looked like a girl, eh Weasel?" he finished winking toward Ginny as if she were in on the joke.

Hermione heard nothing after that. She felt Ginny's arms wrap around her waist as she lunged for Malfoy's throat. In the split second that passed, Hermione struggled to break free of Ginny's grasp as Malfoy's wand rose to her torso. Two voices sounded above Ginny's desperate pleading to calm Hermione. One belonged to Malfoy and the other to Harry Potter.

A sparkling stream of fuchsia light erupted from the tip of Malfoy's wand and shot across the corridor toward Hermione. Just before she shut her eyes to brace for the impact, a cobalt hex sped past her shoulder and collided with Malfoy's jinx in front of her. The corridor erupted into a great purple swirling light. The spell encircled the four students. Hermione felt quite confident she would throw up. The hall was spinning and she felt like she had been tossed clear across the corridor.

"What in the bloody hell?" Ginny barked. Hermione opened her eyes expecting the worst.

She couldn't have expected this.

She looked across the corridor to see…herself? She was still being restrained by Ginny.

How can I be over there? I'm right here?

She looked down, hoping for some obvious clarification that she was not having an out-of-body experience.

It didn't come.

How did this wand get in my hand? I never took it out of my pocket? Wait, this isn't my wand at all. I know this wand it's…

Reality dawned on her at the same time as it crashed vividly into the rest of the dumbstruck students. "Dear gods! Harry?"

She wasn't sure what she was asking. Where is Harry? Who is Harry? The answer came from her own voice….across the corridor.

"Hermione?" A clear look of horror now crossed the faces of the other two students. Ginny couldn't seem to speak at all, and Malfoy screeched. "No! I can't be stuck inside this body!"

It was Malfoy's voice, but that was Ginny talking. It had to be.

"You? What about me? I'm a Weasel!" Malfoy batted at the red hair flowing around his face is if it were an errant spider web he'd just walked through. The four of them broke into a cacophony of disbelieving insults and incomprehensible shouting.

"Stop it. STOP IT!" Hermione yelled at the top of her lungs…or should she say Harry's lungs.

Whatever. She needed silence to think.

Okay, Malfoy tried to hex me and Harry tried to hex Malfoy. Their spells hit…something must've happened.

"Malfoy!" she barked.

"What?!" Ginny's voice replied.

Damn, this is going to be confusing!

"What hex did you use?"

"What do you care?"

"Care? I'd like to get us the hell out of this situation and that information seems rather important!" Her voice was rising, and she raised her hand to rub the tingling headache from her forehead. Her fingers felt the undeniable presence of an old scar emblazoned on her head.

Holy cricket, I am in Harry's body!

Her eyes snapped up to see her estranged body vigorously throwing Ginny's arms off her waist.

"Just answer the question ferret!" Her voice sounded as Harry demanded an answer.

"Fine! I was trying to help you out Potty! I thought enlarging her chest by a factor of six might actually make them noticeable!"

"You're a lamentable pig, Malfoy!" His own voice chided him, but his body's stance was one Ginny had flashed every time she had a go at Ron. Her hands were on her hips and her right leg was kicked out and bent slightly at the knee. Her head was lowered, eyes narrowed, and her chest was thrust out.

More like 'his' chest is thrown out.

Malfoy apparently had the same thought. "For the love of Merlin, Weasel, stand like a man!"

"Well, if I'd been watching you, I wouldn't know what that is. Would I?" Ginny chirped back. Much to the real Malfoy's horror, his body started prancing around the corridor, swinging its hips and flopping his wrists over like some dejected beauty queen from Witch Weekly's Hall of Shame. For as dire as the situation was, the three Gryffindors, no matter whose body they were now occupying, broke into hysterical laughter.

That image will be etched into my memory forever!

Hermione composed herself faster than the others. Harry was nearly inaudible as he announced he was attempting to transfigure Malfoy into a weasel.

"Okay then. Harry used Mutatio Mustela Strigadorsa, and Malfoy," she glowered at him. "Used Sextus Maternus."

"Actually Hermione, it was Mustela Kathiah." Hermione's voice corrected. Regardless of Harry and Hermione's current predicament, they both exchanged beaming smiles.

"Of course, Harry. You're absolutely right, the yellow-bellied weasel is far more appropriate, Harry," she concurred. In their exchange of quiet laughter, Hermione nearly missed what Malfoy was muttering.

"Sextus?" a quiet voice escaped Ginny's body.

"That is what you used right?" Hermione clarified.

"Er-yeah. That's what it was."

Comprehension dawned on Hermione. "Oh, my God!"

"What?" Harry & Ginny said in unison.

"He's not only a lamentable pig, he's insufferably stupid!" They looked at her, while Malfoy hung his head.

"He said SEXUS, and not SEXTUS!" She looked at them as if they should understand as clearly as she did. "Ugh!" Not having access to a slide rule and graph paper, she broke it down for them in quick, easy terms. "Harry's transfiguration charm combined with Malfoy's idiocy and 'Mutatio Sexus' was born!"

Harry, forgetting their situation, rounded on Malfoy's body.

"Don't look at me! That git is standing over there!" Malfoy's voice echoed through the hall.

The argument raged again. Hermione couldn't tell what any of them were saying, but clearly wanted the noise to stop.

"Shut up! All of you!" Harry's voice climbed above the ruckus. Ginny's voice was the last one to echo through the hall.

"…so why don't we just do it again and switch the bloody hell back?" Ginny's hand absent-mindedly reached down to scratch herself.

"Do you mind, Malfoy? Have some respect!" Ginny screamed from inside the Slytherin body.

"Turn about its fair play, Weasel."

It is so strange to hear Ginny's voice calling Malfoy's body a Weasel. We have to get out of this before I'm confounded into a coma.

"Well, luckily we have Malfoy here to point out the blatantly obvious. I think we should all be sure we are standing in the same places and doing exactly what we were doing at the time of the jinx." Harry and Malfoy looked at each other and scowled.

"Fine, but let's get this over with before anyone sees me with my arms around Potty!" Malfoy hissed. They exchanged places to replay the scene.

Please let this work!

"Okay, on the count of three. One, Two, Three!"

Hermione and Ginny repeated Harry & Draco's incantations. The same colored light erupted from their wands and met in the center of the corridor. But the purple swirling light that enveloped them before, failed to appear. They tried again, and again, with the same result. Nothing had changed. They were still trapped.

"Any more brilliant ideas Ms. Perfect?" Malfoy sneered.

"Well, if you hadn't said it wrong Malfoy!"

"Stop it! There's got to be a counter to this, we'll just go to the library and find it," Ginny replied calmly. In silent acceptance of Ginny's plan, they trooped off to the library together.

This was an odd group to see traversing the halls together. Even if the girls had not been swapped into the boys bodies, and vice-versa, the mere fact Harry, Hermione, and Ginny were willingly walking anywhere with Draco Malfoy was enough to turn a few heads.

Hermione couldn't help but be annoyed by the constant giggling coming from her own body.

"What in the name of Merlin is so funny about this, Harry?"

"Sorry, just had a bit of a flashback is all…'It's levi-O-sa, not levios-A.'" Hermione's giggles filled the hall again, while Harry's hand connected with Hermione's arm. "Ouch! Hey, there's no point in beating yourself up about this." More giggles.

"This is no time for jokes, Harry," his own voice admonished.

The four of them stayed in the library straight through dinner. Although stomachs were rumbling and tempers were rising, they were determined to find the answer for the question that plagued every one of them. As the sun sank lower on the horizon, they grew continually more anxious. What had started as an inconvenience was ending as a nightmare. How could they be expected to live like this?

Various students fluttered in and out of the library during their tenure there. Barely any of them suppressed the shocked expressions that crossed their face as they watched Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy appearing to collaborate on homework.

To the Gryffindors' tremendous relief, Ron had not come looking for any of them. Neither Harry nor Hermione wanted to explain this situation to their best friend. They'd rather find the counter curse, change back, and act like it never happened.

There was one problem with that plan.

They had scoured over mountains of books for hours and couldn't find anything remotely close to what they were in such dire need of. Harry looked up to see a rather strange sight…himself, pouring over "Convenient Counter Curses," and "So You've Gone Hex Happy" like they were emitting the very oxygen he needed to survive.

Do I really look like that when I'm studying? I wonder if I run my hand through my hair as much as she's doing? No wonder it never lays flat.

Harry was drawn from his thoughts when Lavender Brown sat down across from them.

"Hi ladies! I just wanted to pass the word to you both." She smiled mischievously. "We've got another girl's night planned for tomorrow in the dormitory!"

"G-girl's night?" Harry asked quietly.

"Sure! Just like last time except I've offered our room for all the girls to sleep in this time." With that, she hopped up from the bench and followed Pavarti Patil out of the library.

"You know, Pothead," Malfoy murmured. "This might not be so bad."

"Malfoy, the mere fact I might be agreeing with you is enough to make me develop a counter curse on my own." Although Harry couldn't believe he was agreeing with anything Draco Malfoy had to say, he couldn't deny the fact they were both red-blooded seventeen year-old males who were about to be ringside for an official all-girl slumber party. What boy in his position wouldn't smile over that?

"What did she want?" Harry's voice broke into his own thoughts. In a purely masculine mutual covenant, both he and Malfoy responded together.

"Nothing."

Hermione looked at them suspiciously. ""Well, Madam Pince has chucked everyone out for the evening. We haven't found anything, have you?"

"No," Harry and Draco replied in unison.

"That settles it, then. We need to go to Madam Pomfrey," Hermione said turning to pick up her books.

"Why?" Malfoy piped up.

Hermione looked at him in disbelief. "Why? Have you forgotten, Malfoy, that you are in Ginny's body? We need to hope and pray that Madam Pomfrey can get us out of this mess. And the sooner the better, if you ask me!"

"Blazes Granger, I thought you were supposed to be smart! If we go to Madam Pomfrey then we'll have to explain what happened. Harry and I will surely get detention from now until the end of school; based on the sheer fact that this is the one thousandth time we've tried to hex each other in the hall." Malfoy looked to Harry here for help, hoping that the mutual masculine covenant was still binding.

Harry, catching on to Malfoy's obvious desire to see Parvati Patil in the buff, joined in. "As much as it pains me to say this, Malfoy's right, Hermione. If we get caught, then he, I, and Ginny will be banned from this weekend's Gryffindor/Slytherin Quidditch match. It's for the House Cup! Our last year! We have to play!"

Ginny who had joined them said, "If we don't find the countercharm then Malfoy will be playing for Gryffindor and I will be playing for Slytherin. That isn't going to work either."

"So this is what we're going to do," Malfoy commanded. "Today is Wednesday, we search for a counter charm until Friday. If we can't find one, then we go to Madam Pomfrey and take whatever punishment they give us. If we can, then we'll use it and switch back. We all get to play in the Quidditch Match and no one will be the wiser. Between the four of us, and 'Ms. Brilliant' here…" He pointed to Hermione. "Surely we can find the countercharm," he finished optimistically.

Hermione was looking at Malfoy and Harry warily. "Fine."

Harry and Malfoy exchanged relieved looks as Hermione and Ginny gathered their book bags.

"We need to head back to our common rooms. Malfoy and Ginny, you two exchange schedules so you know where you're going tomorrow," Hermione said bossily. "Malfoy you need to tell Ginny the Slytherin password and show her to your dormitory." Before he could respond with a scathing remark, Hermione replied. "Trust me. Ginny's not any happier about staying there than she is about you being in Gryffindor! Now go!"

Ginny and Malfoy rose to leave the library together.

Harry and Hermione accompanied each other to the common room and found Ron hunched over an open Potions book.

"Where have you two been?" Ron said, slapping his book closed.

"In the library studying," Harry replied quickly.

Just as Harry suspected, Ron inquired no further. It was highly plausible that Hermione would spend hours on end in the same corner of the library she'd occupied since first year. And Harry was prone to be "trapped" with her for countless hours himself, never having the heart to leave her alone.

One look at Hermione told him that she wanted to avoid all unnecessary conversations with anyone until this hex could be reversed. Her actions quickly demonstrated the same point.

"Well, I'm knackered. I'm headed to bed. G'night." Hermione headed for the dormitory; ready to collapse into bed and forget the nightmare she'd been living since this afternoon. Unfortunately, Harry's body set off for the dormitory staircase. It was the wrong dormitory staircase.

Ron, thoroughly confused, watched Harry stalk off toward the girls' dormitory. His legs hadn't carried him but two or three steps upward when the entire staircase transfigured itself into a stone slide and he crashed onto it, rolling out onto the common room floor, landing at Ron's feet.

"Harry?" Ron said, in shocked disbelief. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?"