PART 5
Harry and Hermione joined the family for dinner, then spent the rest of their first evening together sitting in the living room with her family watching a movie. Hermione wanted to take Harry aside and get him to talk with her, but she didn't have the heart to do it. She didn't want to make him feel cornered into talking about how he was feeling. So, they enjoyed the comedy, stayed up entirely too late, then went to bed.
The next day, the Grangers took the kids to buy things for their trip. They seemed to know that Harry's only Muggle clothes didn't fit him well and he could use some proper garments. It was annoying to be pitied, but it was good that they understood and didn't make an issue of it. The only money Harry had was a bag of galleons stored in his trunk. The Grangers had exchanged it for him since they claimed that Hermione would need galleons later in the year anyway and that the Gringots bank would charge them for exchanging Muggle money into wizard money. Harry was sure they over valued his galleons, but they were very stubborn about the amount they gave him. He insisted that they would take more galleons when they got back from the trip to cover his expenses. They argued that their thriving business was paying for the trip and it was not necessary for Harry to spend his money. The Grangers begrudgingly compromised in saying they would allow Harry to more galleons to Hermione when they went back to Hogwarts.
He was able to buy several pairs of jeans and shirts and got himself a desperately needed new pair of trainers. He also got a proper Muggle-looking suitcase in which to put his new clothes. His trunk wasn't exactly an approved method of transport by British Airways. Harry's theory that the shopping trip was for his benefit was confirmed when Hermione only bought one shirt the entire day.
"We just came so I could shop, didn't we?" he asked, feeling a bit guilty. He should have figured that out by the fact that Hermione's suitcases were already packed when he'd first gotten there.
"Oh, no. I'm supposed to buy new clothes too. But, I'd rather wait until we're actually in the States so I can buy some stuff over there," she told him.
Harry nodded. It was a likely story.
Hermione's mother had made them go to bed very early so that they could get up at 4:00 in the morning to travel to the airport. It was going to be a long day ahead.
About 11:00, Hermione crept into the bathroom. She hadn't been able to sleep for the butterflies in her stomach. She wondered if he was wide awake with excitement too. She was just going to open the door and peek in enough to see if he was still up. She didn't turn the light in the bathroom on because she didn't want it to wake him if he was asleep. She pushed the joining door open just a bit. When she did, she heard Harry's muffled crying. He was lying on his side, facing the opposite wall.
Her instinct was to rush to him and hold him, but she stopped herself. She'd given him the option to come talk to him at anytime. She didn't want to intrude on this private moment. But she didn't want Harry to feel alone either. If she disturbed him, he might be angry and embarrassed. If she left him, he might feel hopeless and guilty about things he couldn't control. She wasn't sure how long she weighed the possibilities before her compassion for the boy led her right to his bedside.
"Harry," she whispered, kneeling beside the bed. He hadn't heard her come in.
He looked up at her, shocked that she was there. "I... I... didn't mean to wake you," he told her. "I'm, uh, sorry." He quickly wiped his face with the palm of his hand and sat up.
"You didn't wake me," she told him. "I couldn't sleep. Scoot over." She motioned for him to give her room to sit on the bed with him. He obliged and Hermione sat down with him. "Want to talk about it?" she asked.
He shrugged. "What good will it do?" There was hopelessness in his voice, as if he thought the pain would never go away.
"I don't know. I just want to help." She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"It's my fault he's dead, you know," Harry began. He was staring away from Heriome, unable to face her.
"No, Harry, it's not. It's Voldemort's fault. Bellatrix's fault."
"He only came because I was in trouble."
"And you only went to the Ministry because you thought he was in trouble," she reminded him.
"If I'd done the occlumency properly, it wouldn't have happened."
"Voldemort would have found another way to get you there." She was certain of that.
"How do I go on knowing that Sirius died because of me? That you could have been killed because of me? You and Ron, Neville, Ginny, Luna... even Dumbledore and the others. I was so stupid, Hermione."
"We all made our own choice to go after you Harry. You wanted to go without us. You know that. You did what you thought was right--and so did we."
"I miss him so much, Hermione," Harry buried his face against her shoulder. "He was the only family I had and he died because of me." Tears were flowing freely again. "Everyone I love, Hermione... they're all in danger because of me. My parents were killed because Voldemort wanted to kill me. Sirius was killed because of me. Even Cedric who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time was killed because of me." Harry was sobbing again. The pain in his heart spread all through his body, tormenting him. He understood what the phrase "broken heart" meant. It hurt that bad, just like his heart was being ripped apart.
"No, Harry. They died because of Voldemort. Every one of them. It was him. You've never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone. It's not your fault that a psychotic evil wizard is after you." She stroked his back as he cried, hoping her touch was comforting.
"I can't loose you," his tear filled green eyes met hers. "If you're close to me, he'll kill you too." That was Harry's deepest fear, not having to face Voldemort, not that he himself could be killed, but that Hermione could be hurt.
"I will never desert you, Harry. Not for anything. When you face Voldemort, I'll be right beside you the whole way," she promised.
"You can't," he argued. "It doesn't... you can't... it has to be...." He couldn't say what he wanted. He couldn't bear to tell her that he had to kill Voldemort or die trying. And he couldn't put her in the crossfire. "No, Hermione. Stay away from him. You should probably stay away from me too. It's the only way you'll be safe."
Tears were in her own eyes now. "Harry, don't you know... I can't abandon you. I wouldn't. Don't even ask me to."
He hugged her tightly as if he were holding on for dear life. His lonliness was unbearable sometimes. And, yet, he wanted to keep away the one person who made sure he wasn't alone through this pain just to keep her safe. But he didn't have the strength to push her away. He needed her desperately. She made the pain more bearable.
Hermione stroked his back softly, reassuringly. He nestled against her, breathing in the scent of her hair. Harry found the outline of her jaw to be beautifully inviting and he pressed his lips to her her cheek. Hermione turned into the sensation and met his lips with her own. As their lips touched, the pain in Harry's heart subsided. He closed his eyes giving into the need to be nearer to her, to taste her, to share himself with her. It was a sweet, gentle kiss born of sorrow. But it brought comfort, even happiness. It was... right.
"Don't ever leave me," Harry whispered to her. Even though the danger was great, he couldn't bear the thought of her not being by his side. In fact, she was the only thing that made him want to carry on with what he was bound to do.
"I won't, Harry. I couldn't," she told him. "I... I... love you." Her eyes engaged his, putting everything on the line.
"I love you too, Hermione," he responded without hesitation. He knew the moment she was hurt in the Ministry that she meant more to him than he'd ever realized. He kissed her again, more passionately. He had never before needed another person this much. They were both crying. The tears were part joy and part sadness. They were part loss, but the loss was making room for what they had just found--each other.