~~ Interlude ~~
Of Thoughts and Questions
"All I ever think about is this,
All the tiring time between,
And how trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me."
--Linkin Park
Is this really happening? Did he just kiss me? Did Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, a guy who has hated me passionately for the past two years and is just now beginning to trust me again, just kiss me? Certainly not. In no way could this be possible, or probable, or likely . . . and yet, if that is true, how do I explain the fact that our lips were touching? That he started it, and I reacted?
We are looking in each other's eyes. I am attempting to disguise my panicked confusion and shock, but know without a mirror that I am doing quite the poor job of it. He is blinking erratically and staring at me with an oddly blank expression. I hope I have not offended him by my reaction-because, truth be told, what just happened was quite enjoyable.
But what am I thinking? Enjoyable? I cannot let myself begin to feel for him romatically! It is clear that he already feels for me in that way, and that is bad enough. I can't return those feelings for him. We are friends again, and that is dangerous enough-for him, for me, and for everyone he is associated with. Lucius and Voldemort will not give up looking for me, if for no reason other than to prove that they are still in control of me, regardless of the state of the Sphere of Truth. They will want me dead. I've lost whatever value to them that I once had. Whomever I am connected with is in just as much danger.
And besides, do I really want to try to love someone again? I loved my parents, and now they're dead. I loved Harry and Ron and my life at Hogwarts, and of course that was destroyed. I am under no illusions about the fact that all of those losses were products of my own poor judgement and decisions. Perhaps if it were the fault of someone else these past times, I could move on. But when I cannot trust myself. . . . Do I really want to risk losing someone I love again? I'm certain that I could not survive it. I've made it through each day these past years by keeping myself from caring about anything. Don't feel, don't hurt. I'd have gone mad long ago if I had not lived by this rule. Breaking it even once could be my undoing.
But aren't those days over? Haven't those days-when every waking moment was spent in misery and self-loathing, and of which every sleeping instant was spent ravaged by nightmares with myself as the monster-ended? Isn't this a second chance that I've been granted? Can't I afford to risk caring just this once? Can't I afford to seek contentment in this new chapter of my life? True, I may be misjudging everything. But what if I am not? Am I overlooking a chance to be happy? Because what just happened a moment ago certainly made me feel happy, even if that happiness immediately spiralled down into the confusion I am now plagued with.
I can't deny the fact that I did like it. And I like him. The feelings that surfaced in those instants when our lips met leave no room for uncertainties in this regard. But I just don't know if I can let myself trust that this won't end up as everything else in my life ultimately has-destroyed.
Can I ever escape the doubt?