~~ 8 ~~
In Search of Hope
"All my instincts, they return,
And the grand façade, so soon will burn.
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside."
--Unknown Artist
I hold the weeping Hermione in my arms and think hard of what she's told me. I watched her face the whole time and I cannot claim that she looked anything but truthful. But she was so good at deceiving us before . . . can I really trust her? Much as I am desperate to, despite the sacrifices I may have made, I am still unsure. It takes a long time to trust someone who betrayed you so utterly.
If she is telling the truth, then Sirius was right-this changes everything the few Light survivors have believed. This could change the tide of the war. Perhaps it would give the despairing people back some hope-hope spawned from the idea the Hermione Granger, long-called traitor, was really just a teenager who'd made a mistake and gotten herself trapped by the Dark Lord, like so many before her. Hope coming from the idea that there had never been a willful betrayal at all. Perhaps that hope would be enough to raise a revolt that could start a true war again and not just rebellions. And if we're in a war, then at least there will be some hope for success, however meager and unlikely.
Or maybe it will do nothing.
Maybe this is all still one big lie, and there's no use in having fantasies of a hopeful future.
I sigh. There really are too many maybes to do anything. I can't tell this to anyone yet. No one would believe me, and chances were that Hermione would forbid me to say anything anyway. I need proof before I bring this to anyone, with the exception of perhaps Sirius. Ron is definitely low on my list. It will take him heaps of evidence to begin to look at the possibility she's not bad, and a whole lot more than either of us can give to convince him. So looking at the prospect of evidence, I consider what it is I will do.
Finally, Hermione pulls away from me. Her cheeks are tear-streaked and her eyes red and swollen. The pain and apology in those eyes steal my heart. How could she fake that? Still, that irritating voice nags me not to trust her. I am torn between loyalty to a one-time friend who says she needs my help and loyalty to my instincts. Who do I believe? Can I even make such a decision?
She opens her mouth as if to say something, but lets out nothing but a quivering breath. She is still shaking, but she is beginning to stop. Her eyes travel to the floor once more, and I study her. While she looks pretty much the same as before when we were at Hogwarts, she is a completely different person. You can't completely tell that until you look into her eyes, which hold the secret, untold stories of her painful past and difficulties. She's lived many more than her seventeen years. So have I. The sad thing is, that fact is what keeps us separated.
"Hermione," I begin slowly, trying to think what to say. I'm not sure what I had intended to speak of when I'd said her name, but I had felt it necessary to say something. Now I am drowning in a sea of words, or rather, diving into a shallow pool of them in which there are not enough to halt my fall. Finally, I give up the search for the right thing to say and just wing it, saying what I feel as I go. "I'm sorry . . . for everything. I'm also sorry for saying what I'm about to. You know I've been all for giving you a chance, and if anything, I'm much more so now. But I simply can't put my trust in all you say. You must understand why. I'll do my best to get some evidence that you're telling the truth, but until I have it . . . I can't promise anything more than an alliance between us. I just . . . can't trust you."
I can see her flinch, but she nods. "I'd expect no less," she whispers. "I don't deserve your trust. Merlin, I was so stupid, to make the decision I did. I can hardly believe it myself. I can't see you trusting me even if you had proof I'm not lying."
"If I have proof, I'll do everything I can to get you a place in our team," I say fiercely. "Because if you're being truthful, then you never meant for any of this to happen. You were trying to do the best you could for people, while facing the Dark Lord and death and torture. He's baited and manipulated thousands of people. You're not the first. And you're not at fault."
"Whatever you say, Harry," she murmurs. I know she does not believe me, but I say nothing more on the subject.
I allow the silence to take over for a few minutes, thinking of plans to make. I need one soon or else Sirius will do as he has threatened. I know I need evidence to prove Hermione's telling the truth. But what could possibly provide such evidence? Unless . . .
"Hermione," I speak up suddenly. "Do you know where this Sphere of Truth is kept?"
She nods, apparently not following my train of thought. "Yes . . . I've seen it a million times in Lucius Malfoy's office. Dumbledore's old office. He keeps in this glass case." She frowns in anger. "He takes great pleasure in reminding me of my stupidity every time he forces me in there."
I nod slowly. "Good," I mutter. She sends me a confused look, which I ignore for the time being. "I think I have a plan."
* * *
We sleep badly that night. I lay awake the whole time, considering my plan and altering it and adding to it. I can hear Hermione beside me, shifting and turning throughout the night and by her breathing, I know she is not resting. I believe I hear soft sobs at one point during the night, but cannot be sure.
When the sun's first rays peek over the distant hilltops the next morning, and the sun is a tired sort of gray, I shrug off the sleeping bag. It seems so much harder to stay awake while moving. The fatigue is tearing at me and I know that whatever I may plan, I will need rest before I do anything. Hermione is dragging in a way similar to me and we eat our food in silence.
Once we finish, Hermione stands and walks over to the cave entrance. Instantly, I stiffen. The last time she headed that way was to kill herself. I watch cautiously, not wanting to say anything if I am wrong. She sits down near the entrance and leans against the wall, looking out. I let out a breath I was not aware of holding. She must hear me, and looks my way. She attempts a small smile, but it looks more like a frown. I walk over to where she sits, my hands deep in the pockets of my pants, my face expressionless as I stare out over the snowy rises and falls of the hidden rocks along the side of the mountain.
"It doesn't look like it's going to snow again at least," whispers Hermione in an offhand voice.
"No," I reply. The conversation is brief and unnecessary, but serves the purpose of breaking through the thin icy wall we'd unconsciously built between ourselves this morning.
"You thought I was going to try to jump off the cliff again, didn't you?" she asks after a moment.
I wince. I know I am cornered. I finally nod. "Yes. I was scared you were going to try it again," I admit reluctantly.
She looks at me with a pained, conflicted expression. "You were scared? For me?" She sighs, and the breath is shaky. "Why, Harry? Why is it that you alone have managed to look past the façade I've put up when no one else cares to take the time? My intentions don't matter; I still betrayed you. How can you forgive that? It's beyond me to understand anymore."
I contemplate my answer carefully before beginning to speak slowly. "Yes, I was scared for you. Why? Because if you're telling the truth-which I pray with all my heart that you are-then I've gained back the best friend I thought I'd lost. I care about you just as much as I ever did. And I can forgive you because it isn't something you can be blamed for. I more than anyone know the tricks Voldemort is capable of. Contrary to your own beliefs, this is not your fault."
"No, I didn't want to betray you," she acknowledges, looking down the mountainside instead of at him. "But it was my stupidity and ignorance that placed me in such a position. That's just as bad."
"You made a mistake," I argue. "Not even you are perfect."
"Tell that to Ron," she says sadly, looking deep into my eyes. "Tell it to his brothers and Ginny. To the relatives of everyone I've gotten killed. Tell them that, oh, by the way, I didn't mean it. It was only a mistake." Her laugh is as bitter and cold as the air around us. "Yes, Harry, I'm sure that's the way they'll look at it."
I can think of nothing to say to this. She has me cornered. She clearly doesn't expect an answer as she turns her attention away again. Again, I am left feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I still don't know where I stand. Just a moment ago I had been arguing as though I believed her, but in my heart, I still didn't. Not entirely. So what am I to do?
We sit there for at least an hour, shivering in the frigid morning air and lost deep in the confines of our grim thoughts. I watch as the sun rises over the distant, gray horizon and tints the sky with its rays. I can't remember the last time I've seen the sun. Clouds have taken over my days, and even if I may look back on sunny days, in my mind, they are still overcast and hazy. I have the feeling that if I look back on this day, I will view it as gray too. Still, I have a hard time ignoring the robin's egg blue of the sky and the yellow glimmer over the horizon.
A sound behind me makes me spin. I see Sirius walking toward me, apparently having just Apparated. I stand up. Hermione glances his way before turning her attention back outside. I give her a look of sympathy and confusion before looking at Sirius.
"Anything new?" asks Sirius immediately. He never was one to waste time-it was one of the things I normally like about him. Now, though, I wish he would beat around the bush for just a little while.
I nod. "Yes. I feel . . ." I pause for a moment, considering how to voice my mixture of emotions. I sigh inwardly, knowing that my next words will choose a path for me-a path I may never be able to retrace should I later find that my faith was misplaced. "I feel completely confident that Hermione is our ally."
Sirius's expression is hard to read. He definitely doesn't look pleased, but not disappointed either. I can feel Hermione turning her eyes to me at these words as well, but I do not look her way. I know I do not have the courage. To look at her would mean to allow my mind to twist these words around, would allow me a chance to doubt myself. I did not have time for that right now, not if I wanted to present this to Sirius in a way that would help him to support me.
"And what are you basing this on?" he asks in the same weary, grim sort of voice that relays no real emotion. I swear he puts on that blank face and shields his voice just to drive me into madness.
"I heard her story," I say, keeping my argument strong and confident, though no two words were less fit to describe the way I felt. "I believe her beyond a shadow of a doubt, Sirius, and I want to help her. But in order to help her-and in order to get proof that she can be trusted-I have to retrieve something."
Sirius runs his fingers through his hair and gives me another of his unreadable looks. "Okay. What is it that you need to get."
"A Sphere of Truth."
Sirius's eyes widen, looking at me. "Er, Harry . . . those are very difficult to find, I'm not sure where I'll be able to get you one, especially in this dangerous and hard time-"
"No," I say. "I don't need a Sphere of Truth. I need a specific Sphere of Truth. The one that was used to bind Hermione to an agreement she never even officially made. Another bit of deception by the Dark Lord."
"I-I see," stammers Sirius, obviously having a more difficult time concealing his feelings as our discussion progresses. "You want to destroy it, then?"
"Yes. And use it as evidence of Hermione's loyalty."
"Do you know where to find it?"
Hermione speaks for the first time. "In the Headmaster's office at Puerclades," she says. Looking down, she adds, "In Lucius Malfoy's office."
Sirius falls silent. I can see his mask of blank emotion disappearing and being replaced by an uncertain look. He does not respond to Hermione's words immediately, instead staring straight at me. His eyes bore into my own and while I am desperate to look away, I know that his gaze is far too binding to break. He initiated it and only he will sever it. The confusion in his eyes is wild, a mixture of thoughts and worries that not even he can conceal. But I can see in them a deep faith-a faith placed in me. He will trust my instincts and my beliefs. During this moment of silent contemplation, I understand that a decision is to be made-a decision that will ultimately be up to me. If I reassure Sirius, then he will, however reluctantly, go along with me. If I do not, then he will never trust Hermione, because I had even the barest hint of a doubt in her loyalty. That doubt will lead him to throw away any thoughts he might have had in her favor. She will be the enemy in his eyes forever. Though it is true that my mind is filled with a rampant variety of hesitations and uncertainties, I simply cannot set aside the voice in my head telling me to ignore them all and trust what my logical mind will not allow me to resolutely believe. I stop this debate and look at Sirius determinedly, not letting a hint of my reserve show in my eyes. I nod once. It is a barely noticeable gesture, but it is filled with a power that will not allow for any arguments. He is defeated and he knows it. I can see this in his every dismal feature, but he does not put up a fight. He turns once more to Hermione.
"Are you certain that it's in Malfoy's office?" asks Sirius wearily. He puts a derisive emphasis on Malfoy's name, but that is pretty much the only real feeling in his words. However, I notice the fatigue in his voice-he has the sound of a man who is about to forfeit an all-important battle. In a way, I know he is.
Hermione nods, but offers no more of an explanation.
"How? If Malfoy or someone just told you, it isn't exactly certifiable information-"
"No one had to tell me," she replies bitterly. "He has a tendency to drag me in there on occasion for one reason or another. It gives him great pleasure to present to me that damn Sphere whenever I have the slightest urge to fight him on anything."
I give her a look out of the corner of my eye. The pain in her eyes speaks to me more than her words ever could. It is during moments like these, moments when she seems to be so vulnerable and suffering, that I cannot help but trust her. It is later that I look back on these times and question whether they are or are not a deceitful ploy.
Sirius can sense the hurtful memories that it seems he has triggered. However, he does not apologize. "All right, then. Where in his office does he keep it? And, if you know, under what sort of magical security?"
"He keeps it in a glass case of sorts. It's right on his desk. Aside from having to get into Puerclades and then into his office, there are charms on it that will alert him should someone attempt to breach the glass. If you touch the glass before it's been disarmed, it will deliver a painful shock, which is at about a third the intensity of the Cruciatus Curse. Very painful, but bearable. I don't know what else, but I don't suppose that's all." Hermione's eyes remain downcast as she speaks. She continually moves from her left foot to her right in a nervous gesture, one I'd grown accustomed to seeing from her during our Hogwarts years.
Sirius sighs and runs a hand through his thinning black hair. He shakes his head. "Look, I'm not going to sit here and deny that I'm not behind you on this. I've always tried to be honest, when it wasn't necessary to lie, or when I wasn't pulling of my pranks in my Hogwarts days. I'm not going to lie to you. Harry, I think this is a bad decision. I don't agree with you in any regard. I'm all for giving her a chance, but not risking your life. Hermione, to be blunt, I still don't trust you no matter what my godson may believe. Regardless, I'm going along with all this. Therefore, I am going to say this now-this entire plan looks ridiculous. Getting into the school, getting into Malfoy's office, and getting past the magical defenses? That will be near impossible. And even if you break the Sphere, what will it prove? You can show it around all you like, but no one knows why it was originally instigated, or for what purpose. It won't convince anybody."
I fall silent, realizing he is right. Getting the Sphere won't help in that particular sense. Defeat pounds at me painfully as I let out a breath in sadness. It's not so much that I'm disappointed because no one else will have evidence of her innocence, though that would have been a positive side affect. No, I know that this is no longer a mission to restore my status in my group, or to give the others a reason to believe. This is about me. I need some sort of proof that she is what she says she is. I just can't fully trust her until I have it-but I have a silent desperation to trust her. If I can, then I have my best friend back. It is a dream I've long since given up, but a dream that still holds the promise of helping my bleak world become a little brighter. I am saddened that I cannot use the Sphere as evidence to prove she is innocent to my peers as well, but mostly I am disappointed at hearing Sirius voice the difficulty of the task out loud. It truly does seem hopeless. For either of us to set foot inside that school would be suicide. Again I feel my dream being crushed. I know I'll never let it come true until I have proof.
"Doesn't matter," I say. "We're going for it anyway. I don't care if it doesn't prove anything to Ron. Ron's stubborn-it's hard to convince him to believe anything he doesn't want to. Eventually, with hard work from the both of us, he can be convinced that she's not what he thought she was. Before we even try to convince Ron, I need proof myself." I look at Hermione. "I really believe you're telling the truth. But I need that Sphere to be positive. Aside from that fact, you can be a real ally in our fight against Voldemort-but in order for you to help us, that Sphere needs to be eliminated." I look back to Sirius. "Any way you look at it, we have to destroy the Sphere of Truth. We're doing it." There is a finality in my words that speaks to Sirius.
He nods and does not attempt to argue with me again. Instead he looks away from me and towards Hermione, who still looks distant and guarded. "So how do we do this?"
Hermione doesn't seem to realize he is directing this question at her, because she makes no motion to answer. "Hermione?" I say gently, to get her attention.
She looks up at me, then at Sirius. "What, you expect me to know?" she demands after a moment.
"You know the school as it is now better than Harry and I," says Sirius logically. "Neither of us can even begin to make a plan without you. Can you think of any way to get into the school without getting caught?"
She leans against the cave wall and stares at her feet in silence. I can tell she is thinking from the way her brow is furrowed in concentration. Finally, she looks up at me and shakes her head. "I don't see how. None of the passages are safe anymore." She looks at me in shame. "I was forced to tell them."
Something clicks in my mind. "The passages!" I cry. "The day we were on the grounds, the day I first saw you in Gryffindor Tower, we were trying to get into the school. Fred and George found a secret passage that wasn't on the map. We didn't think the Death Eaters knew about it. I'll bet we can still use it!"
"The passage that's under a floor tile by the painting of those fourteenth century goblin monarchs in the corridor leading to the dungeons?" asks Hermione.
"I don't know where it comes out," I say, my hope beginning to sink. "But you can enter the passage by crawling into an old, blocked up log half submerged in the water along the north bank of the lake. You tap the barricade of the log and say the correct word and it opens."
"Same passage," says Hermione dejectedly, sighing. "Draco Malfoy found that one about a year ago. His father is very much aware of it. There are always guards in that passage, along with the rest."
"Malfoy's still there?" I growl.
"Why wouldn't he be? It's a Dark Arts school. Most of the Slytherins still are there," she confirms.
"I hope I run into him on our way into the school. Could be fun."
"Right now, the problem is getting into the school," Sirius reminds me. I force my mind away from thoughts of hurting Draco Malfoy and focus once more on the task at hand.
"We need to get into Lucius Malfoy's office," continues Sirius. "Even if we get into the school, we won't know the password. There's only one real way to get in there, aside from climbing up the side of the castle to climb into a window. We need him to let us in."
I look at him. "Exactly what do you mean? You think we can just walk in and if we ask politely enough, he'll open up for us?"
"Not quite," he murmurs. "If one of us were to just accidentally be captured, then there's a good chance that Malfoy would take them to his office, right, Hermione?"
I can see that Hermione is becoming quite uncomfortable. "It depends. If the prisoner was important enough, he probably would. He'd want to torture them himself." She frowns. "What exactly are you planning to do?"
Sirius just continues looking at Hermione. The truth seems to hit her at the same instant it reaches me. "No!" she cries. "I am not letting him capture me! There would be nothing I could do once in there. I would be at his mercy."
"Not a chance, Sirius," I echo. "He'll hurt her-kill her, even. I won't allow it."
"It's our only chance, Harry."
"Then who's all for the window idea?" I ask sarcastically.
"Hear me out before you refuse," says Sirius, holding up his hands in an effort to calm us down. He can see my anger, and I can see the pure terror on Hermione's face at the prospect of having to allow herself to be captured. "This is my idea. Hermione, you walk into the school and pretend to be returning, surrendering from running away. He'll take you into his office most likely, right?" Hermione nods. "Good. Then, Harry will be following you in his Invisibility Cloak. Lucius Malfoy opens the passage up to his office, and Harry slips in after the two of you. You make the right forms of conversation to get him to admit why the Sphere was created-while at the same time being inconspicuous, and then you find the right time to lunge for the Sphere. Distract Lucius some way while Harry removes the Sphere, and destroys it."
I am about to respond, but Hermione surprises me by speaking up. "It could work, I suppose," she says hesitantly. "If it really is our only chance-and if you promise that Harry will be with me-then I'll do it."
"I don't have my Invisibility Cloak. It's back at our old hideout and I doubt I'll be all too welcome there," I say.
Sirius nods. "I'll go back and talk to Dumbledore. We'll talk to Ron and get it. Give me half an hour." And with that, he disappears, leaving Hermione and I as alone as if he'd never even been there.
I look at her, and she looks away. "Hermione," I begin, but I am cut off.
"Don't try to talk me out of it," she says immediately. "It's my decision to make."
"I know," I agree quickly. "I just don't want you to think you have to agree to this, especially if this is going to get you hurt."
"Don't you see, Harry? I do have to do this. We wouldn't be in this place if it wasn't for me. This is the least I can do. Yeah, Malfoy will probably try to hurt me, but I can deal with it. I've dealt with it for two years." She gives me a small smile and meets my gaze. "I'll be all right. If he does try to hurt me, though, you have to promise not to intervene if you have a clear path to the Sphere. That is the most important thing. If you get the Sphere, you have to throw it to me. Voldemort and I, being the ones bound, are the only ones capable of destroying it."
"Do you know how to destroy it?" I ask.
She nods. "Yes. I just need you get that Sphere into my hands. And I'll need a wand-they still have mine."
"Do you need your wand to destroy it?" I ask apprehensively.
She shakes her head. "No-any wand will do. It will be harder with someone else's, but it's still possible."
I nod, but bite the inside of my lower lip hesitantly. She seems to sense my discomfort and reaches out to me, taking my hand in hers. For a moment, she looks at me uncertainly, as though expecting me to pull away. When I do not, it seems to encourage her a little and she says, "You don't have worry for me, Harry. I'll be okay."
I shake my head. "I don't believe that. You're telling me that so I won't worry. I saw what he was doing when I rescued you. He'll hurt you."
"It's nothing new," she says quietly. "I can handle it."
"But you shouldn't have to," I argue. "I don't want to put you in danger, Hermione. I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to do this, knowing that's what will almost inevitably happen. We're doing this to stop the pain and suffering, not add more of it."
"We aren't backing out," she says, pulling her hand from mine and turning away to gaze out of the cave mouth, her eyes full of determination. "I don't care what he does to me. Just get me that Sphere, Harry. I want more than anything to destroy it, for my own sake as much as anyone else's. That damn thing has kept me bound for two years and made me do things that are unimaginably awful. Because of that thing, my parents are dead, and you and Ron are on the run. Most of Ron's family is dead. I've had enough of it-I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm going to smash it to pieces and show Voldemort that he can't hold me down forever."
Her words are full of a strength I have not heard in them for years. I can tell how much she truly feels what she is speaking, and it hits something within me as well. "Okay," I say after a moment. "I won't fight it. I'm in."
She looks at me and her eyes are full of gratitude. In that instant, I realize that I have made a dream of hers come true. Thinking about it logically, she must have been wishing to destroy it for a long time. For her, this is not simply a chance to prove herself to me, or to free herself from the Sphere's binding magic, but it is a chance to eliminate the one thing that has ruined every part of her life. Thinking of it in those terms, I cannot help but think that this is the only right decision. I am glad that I have given her the chance to make this one dream come true. We speak no words, but none are needed. We understand one another perfectly in the silence. For the first time since fifth year, I feel that we are one again, like when we were young. We are a team, feeling one another's emotions as well as our own. That feeling boosts my confidence. Hermione and I are partners. She won't betray me again. She never did in the first place. This time, Voldemort will feel our wrath. This time, we won't back down.
And this time we won't lose.
A/N: Thank you all for your kind words! If I may say, please forgive spelling and grammatical errors found in this. I've done my best up until now to catch them effectively, but from here on out the chapters are so ridiculously long that I don't intend to re-edit them for the fifth time. I just finished a weeks-long stint of editing for when I printed this story, and me being the bright one, I didn't save the changes. I'm not going through that again-this story is 150 pages in its completed form, and I'm inherently lazy. So if you could bear with me, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you.