Unofficial Portkey Archive

I've Had My Taste of Honey

Warning: violence
Rate: PG
Word count: 823
AN: I shamelessly borrowed Roald Dahl's Revolting Poem Cinderella. Anything you recognise is not mine. All rights belong to Dahl and JKR.

I guess you think you know the story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney Cinderella, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy,
Just to keep the children happy.

Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The ugly brothers Dudley and Goyle,
Departed for the palace Ball.

While darling lad Harry Potter
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at his feet.
He bellowed, 'Help!' and 'Let me out!'
Fairy godfather Sirius heard his shout.
Appearing in a blazing of light.
He said, 'My boy, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Harry, 'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be?'
He beat his fist against the wall,
And shouted 'Get me to the Ball!'

'There is a Disco at the palace!
'The rest have gone and I'm jealous!
'I want a dress robe! I want a carriage!
'And a black clingy T-shirt for massage!
'Aerodynamic trainers and khaki shorts!
'And a pair of spotty cotton socks!
'Done up like that I will guarantee
'The bony princess Cho'll fall for me!'
Sirius said, 'Hang on a tick.'
He gave his wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all
Harry was at the palace Ball.

It made Dudley and Goyle wince
To see him dancing with the princess.
He held Cho very tight and pressed
Himself against her slim chest.
Cho herself was turned to pulp.
All she could do was gasp and gulp.

Then midnight struck. He shouted, 'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
Cho cried, 'No! Alas and Alack!'
She grab his khaki to hold him back.
As Harry shouted, 'Let me go!'
The shorts were ripped from waist to toe.
He ran out in his underwear,
And lost one trainer on the stair.

Bony Cho was on it like a dart,
She press it upon her pounding heart,
'The boy this trainer fits' she boom'
'Tomorrow morn shall be my groom!
I'll visit every house in town
Until I've tracked the laddie down.'

Then rather carelessly, I fear,
She placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Brothers,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grab the racy shoe.
And quickly flashed it down the loo.
Then in its place he calmly put
The trainer from his own right foot.

Ah-ha, you see, the plot grews thicker,
And Harry's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, Cho Chang went charging down
to knock on all the doors in town.
In every house the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The trainer was long and very wide,
(A normal foot got lost inside).
Also it smelled a wee bit icky,
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky).

Thousands of eager people came
to try it on, but all in vain.
Now came Dudley and Goyle's go
Dudley tried on. Cho screamed, 'No!'
But he snickered 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you got to marry me!'
Cho went yellow from ear to ear.
She muttered 'Let me out of here!'

'Oh no, you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with his head!' Cho roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased Cho, she smiled and said,
'He's handsomer without his head.'

Then up came Brother Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' Cho yelled back.
She swung her trusty sword and smack -
his head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.

In the kitchen pealing spuds
Harry Potter heard thuds
of bouncing heads on the floor.
And pokes his own head round the door,
'What's all the racket?' Harry cried.
'Mind you own bizz!' Cho replied.

Poor Harry's heart was torn to shreds,
My princess! He thought, She chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
who does that sort of thing for fun?
Cho cried 'Who's this dirty stud?'
'Off with his nut! Off with his nut!'

Just then, all in the blaze of light
Godfather Sirius hove in sight.
His magic wand went swoosh and swish!
'Harry!' he cried, 'come, make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt,
'That I will make it come about!'
Harry answered 'Oh, kind fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary!
'No more princess, no more money,
'I've had my taste of honey.
'I'm wishing for a decent woman,
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'

Within a minute, smitten Harry Potter
Was married to the lovely Hermione Granger,
A delectable bookworm by trade,
Who read every book having been made.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter,
And they were happy ever after.