Of course, the next day confuses me like no other. I go down to breakfast and Hermione is treating me the same as she always would. I begin to get hopeful, that it was a dream and that horrible thing I witnessed from behind my own eyes never happened. We head to Transfiguration and I start feeling better and better. Then in the middle of class, from under the desk, Hermione takes my hand and interlaces her fingers with my own.
Fuck.
It did happen. I wasn't dreaming. I did treat my best friend that badly.
And truth be told, I wanted more.
Is it really that bad when you feel you need to consume, be consumed by, your best friend in ways that could never be labeled as `friendly?' Was it really so bad that her comforting me made me want her in very naughty ways? Wasn't she supposed to give me a lap dance to turn me on, or wear something that wasn't much of anything? Her touch was more `sexy' than any other Playboy centerfold, but why? Why would it attract me so?
Because it meant I was not alone.
I showed her the worst part of me, and here she was sitting right next to me.
Sexy fiend.
Once the class ended I lead her to a broom closet nearby and we snogged the shit out of each other. There was no sex involved because we had class in fifteen minutes.
Hermione had opened a Pandora's box I didn't know was inside me. The only problem was, Pandora's box shut, I don't know if mine can now.
And I was hurting Hermione.
Not physically, but mentally it had to be difficult. One day you're just talking to your best friend and the next millisecond he's jumping your bones.
Of course, at the time, I didn't understand that she thought it was her boyfriend jumping her bones and therefore much less rude.
I don't think I'll ever understand why Hermione ever wanted to be with me after that night. But at that time that wasn't what I was really thinking about. I was more or less thinking about taking refuge within my best friend. How could someone so unaffected by sex just days earlier be so consumed by it? We broke off and I just stared at her, the two of us alone in a broom closet. I sat down on the floor and she sat down too, right by my side.
Is class all that important?
We sat in that closet until the sun no longer hung in the sky. We then went to Gryffindor Tower.
I decided to go visit her in the girls' dorms, and I wasn't doing it to get sex, I just wanted to be with her. She was my drug, and I was completely addicted; I needed a fix. I just needed to see her, to be in the same space as her. I flew over to her bed and sat down at the foot. She shifted, sat up and looked me in the eyes. Without blinking or looking away she grabbed her wand and said, 'Silencio.' She put her wand down, pulled the covers off of herself, then took off her shirt which was the only article of clothing she was wearing.
I remember thinking, 'fuck you, Hermione.' Whether that was 'fuck you for tempting me so,' or 'all I want to do is fuck you' I no longer remembered.
I barely even looked at her naked body, not that it wasn't distracting, but I couldn't tear my eyes off hers. The look of 'come and take everything you want,' was intoxicating.
But I needed to draw this out, I needed this to last longer, I needed more.
Of course it was about what I needed.
Prick.
We kissed, and I knew she expected it to be hard and fast, but I lazily massaged her tongue with my own. We broke apart when I needed to breathe, both of us panting hard.
Then as my tongue entered her mouth I entered her.
I moved slowly, in and out of her, after a while she moved her hips into me whimpering.
But remember, king of the pricks has to make this about himself, so I hold down her hips again. Her nails start to dig deeper and deeper in my back until I can feel her tighten around me, then they scratch me as her entire body ruptures. I finally feel the tightness inside me release, and I feel as if everything is leaving my body and all that is left is J-ello.
I want to stay here forever, I don't want to deal with the world, all I need is this.
How different is that from not even a week ago, where I was sure I could live my entire life without it?
I was one screwed up motherfucker.
I looked up at Hermione, with guilt in my eyes and even though I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't expecting what I saw. She was smiling at me.
Did I miss something? Wasn't I being a selfish prick earlier? Didn't I deserve a year's worth of detentions with Filch?
She kept eye contact with me and interlaced her fingers with mine. How could such a gesture melt every part of me?
Thinking back on it, what the hell was she thinking? Holding my hand after we just had sex, what the hell was that about? Sex, then hand holding, it was the weirdest combination I had ever known. And yet, for us, it seemed to fit.
Maybe I'm not the only fucked up person in the bed.
* * *
The term was going well considering Hagrid and Grawp were back at Hogwarts, and Hermione and I were screwing each other's brains out. I have to say, we have gotten quite good at it. By just seeing my face Hermione can see what I need and adjusts herself accordingly. No place is sacred or safe from our interludes; the last time was in the Quidditch stands after we almost lost to Slytherin. It's been a week, and I'm dying. I want it so bad, but I made a promise to myself I wouldn't. It happened after our last interlude at the stands after the game, I watched as Hermione pulled back down her skirt, and straightened herself up. It was then I decided, I wouldn't go to her. I wanted to wait until she came to me. I was determined to wait until she needed it so at that time I would give instead of take, and she was taking too fucking long.
She would study, and worry over Ron and me, and talk back to Snape, and drive me crazy wanting her. Most guys would watch her legs or her breasts, talking about how 'supple' whatever was. I didn't, I watched her stick up for Neville, tell Ron off, and know all the answers to McGonagall's questions and it made me want to make her forget her name; make her forget she even had a name.
I was one sick puppy.
I was getting sicker and sicker each and every moment that passed by that I wasn't inside her.
I had a new respect for Hermione, I also hated her guts.
I was wallowing in my own self-pity on my way back from Care of Magical Creatures when I was tackled into an empty classroom. Hermione must have put a dozen locking charms on the door before she turned back to me and began to stalk me like I was her prey.
It was something to be the one who always started everything, but it was also very exciting being the one who was started in on. It made me feel wanted and needed, it made me grin from ear to ear.
Hermione stared at me a moment, then said, 'You jerk, you planned this.'
I let out a deep laugh.
'I have been going crazy for the past week,' her shirt and bra came off as she crossed the room coming closer to me, 'I can't even study for the N.E.W.T.S. properly, all I can think about is locking us in a room for days on end and having my way with you. By the way, you shouldn't be allowed to talk about Defence Against the Dark Arts in public, the entire school almost got a show.'
She pushed me onto the teacher's desk, and straddled my hips. She pressed herself against me and moaned as if she just had a very good piece of chocolate. She just unzipped me, she didn't bother with any clothes or precursor to the act itself, she just pushed me inside her.
She was amazing.
One moment you were sure of her purity, the next, sure she was a vixen. I had spent a lot of time studying Hermione and I came up to one conclusion: she was innocent, her feelings were the innocent part about her. She was the only person who could show me so much just by intertwining her fingers with mine.
And she was making me release like I never had before.
She put her head on my chest and laid there as we both caught our breath. Tears fell onto my shirt, I wrapped my arms around her, comforting her any way I could.
'Pansy said I'd stay an old spinster virgin for the rest of my life.'
So that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
'Why can't I keep you all to myself?' I asked out loud. Of course I never meant to say it aloud, it just came out, which made me question my sanity.
She didn't say a word, so I decided to give her some of her own medicine. I took her hand, and intertwined it with mine. She sobbed a little and held onto me with her remaining hand as if I were a lifeline. Now she knew how it felt to me, maybe she'd understand I really don't want to share her with anyone.
I'm a selfish prick, but we've gone over that.
'I waited for you,' I say, explaining my recent behavior.
'I know.'
She kisses my shirt. We just laid there for the rest of the day and night, two fucked up people locking themselves in an abandoned classroom.
* * *
Of course our unnamed bliss wouldn't last long, it was the story of my life. It was the night Seamus and Neville came bounding into the Gryffindor common room with a case of firewhiskey. Neither would explain how they got them, but no one really cared. I put a large bottle away in my cloak, and watched as my friends started to open up the bottles. It was then that Hermione came back from studying and I sat back and watched the show. Hermione's entire body was tense with anger, but that anger never seemed to reach her eyes. Ron tried to weasel their way out of it, but Hermione would not let up. She finally stomped her way out of the room. I got up and went to follow her, of course.
'I'll try and cool her down, go on, she won't tell McGonagall.' And with that I exited Gryffindor Tower, cloak in my hands.
'Harry.' she whispers and motions for me to follow.
We make it over to the closest abandoned classroom, and I take out the firewhiskey and put it to the side.
'We'll save that for later.'
She laughs and I smile back. I look into her eyes and see that there is just happiness behind them. I realize for the first time we're doing this not because one of us needs it, but that we both want it. What the hell are we doing? Do I really care? No, I just want to be with her, to be inside her, to be wanted by her.
I pin her up against the desk, and it's like the first time, except it's not. The first time I was searching for something, this time, I found it.
Once our pulses are steady again I put my pants on she starts to dress herself.
'Harry, I have something I want to give to you.'
She pulls a chain with a ring on it out of her shirt pocket and puts it around my neck.
'It's a promise ring. I don't know how it's supposed to go, but... it... I... promise myself to you, only you.' She smiled and sat next to me.
'Then I should break it off with all those other girls,' I sighed.
'Well, I... It..' she stutters.
'Hermione! I'm not serious!"
Her face brightens and she smiles bashfully, 'You jerk.'
'All I need is you.' I take her hand in mine, and pull her on top of me as we start kissing.
We hear the door open, but it's too late to do anything about it, we're caught.
Ron storms out of the room while Ginny and Neville just stand and stare at us. Hermione moves to get off of me but is stopped by Ginny.
'Don't bother moving on our account.' she says hotly and leaves in the same manner as her brother. Neville follows her and we sit there in silence for a moment, then we get up and move to separate sides of the room.
'We should have told Ron we're dating.' she says.
I look over at her like she grew a second head, were we dating? She watches me, and fat tears fall from her eyes. She nods her head and grabs the rest of her clothes.
'I... I can't...' she sobs as she runs out of the room.
I said I was king of all that is pricky, and it seems now, to not be enough. I had hurt Hermione, I never wanted to do that. Of course at the time I didn't know, I had just broken her heart.
I wasn't about to stay in that room for one moment longer, my only problem was I couldn't go to Gryffindor Tower. I took the firewhiskey and headed to the only other place I could think of going.
* * *
I drank more of the firewhiskey as I looked up at the star-filled sky.
'Fuck everybody,' I slur.
Hagrid's face comes into view and I start laughing.
'Look, it's something mad and hairy,' I laugh.
'Harry! What are you doing with that?' He points to the firewhiskey.
'Getting drunk. I'd ask you to join me, but there isn't much left.'
'Harry, you know better!'
'Nope, I don't. But it seems to be that I don't know fuck about fuck.'
'Harry!'
Apparently my language shocked him; if he only knew.
'We need to get you back to bed,' he said.
'Nope, I'm not going back there.'
'Harry, you can't stay here all night.'
I grab the firewhiskey, 'I can, and I will.'
Hagrid takes the alcohol from me.
'That's mine, I stole that from the people who stole that rightfully,' I say pointing at his pocket.
'Why are you out here, Harry?'
'Because I'm a prat, and I hate girls.'
'Don' go sayin' that, Hermione's a girl.'
'I hate her most of all.'
'Harry! Don' you ever say that.' Hagrid sat on the ground across from me.
I sat up and faced him, 'She abandoned me... I hate her. You know who I hate more than anyone, even more than Voldemort? Me.'
'Why?' He looks at me as if I am the dumbest person he had ever seen. I hated that he believed in me that much, I didn't deserve his trust.
'I am one fucked up, parentless prick. I just wanted... I needed everything. And in the end what did I accomplish? I hurt Hermione, and I don't feel like going on. I... everything is a fight, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to rest, can't I stop fighting and just rest?'
I was lying on the ground again, crying.
'If ya want to sleep, I can take you up to the castle.'
'You know I've been having these dreams, good ones, the best I've ever had. You want to know what they're about?'
Hagrid nods, unsure of what is to come.
'I dream that I'm one year old, and when Voldemort comes to kill my parents he kills me too........ It's late, I should get back to the tower.'
I get up and walk towards the castle, not being followed by Hagrid. He probably thinks I'm going to Gryffindor tower, but I can't go there.
So I walk into the one room that doesn't remind me of Hermione, the Owlery. Hedwig flies down to me and I hold her for a moment.
'You have to go to the Weasley's, okay? Go on.' I say, letting her fly off my arm and into the sky.
I take the chain from off my neck and take the ring off the chain. I put the ring on my left ring finger and look at it while I sit in the windowsill.
Why did a stupid label have to mean so much? Was that all she cared about, being called or thought of as my girlfriend? She had all of me, everything I could give to another being. And in return she was my salvation, she made everything all right again. She was my Hermione, did it matter that she was never my girlfriend?
What would I do without her, how could I survive without everything she gave so willingly to me? I couldn't deal with Voldemort; I couldn't deal with any of it.
If I died now, the prophecy would be null and void. I wouldn't die at his hands, so maybe he would die too. There was only one way to test my theory, I pushed myself out of the windowsill and fell to the ground.
* * *
Hagrid sat there, in awe of what Harry had just told him. Harry wanted to die. Maybe he was just saying it because he was drunk, that's what he hoped for anyway. A few minutes later Hagrid heard a thud and got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He ran across the lawn and saw Harry on the ground.
* * *
Hermione walked into the Gryffindor common room and tried to get up to the girls' dorms, but was held back by Ron.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Everything," she yelled.
Ron ran a hand through his hair, "I'm sorry about... that. I just wasn't... I didn't know... It's just going to take some time to get used to the idea-"
"You don't have to," Hermione crossed her arms in front of her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it's over... Not that it ever really was something to begin with."
"So that was the first... Sorry, best friend walking in on you has got to be a mood killer."
"It wasn't the first time Ron, I just meant... we were never a couple." Hermione started to cry again.
Ron's brow furrowed, but a moment later his eyes widened, "Oh."
"There's just one problem." Hermione sobbed.
"What?"
"I'm in love with him."
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