A/N: I suppose while not being busy will hurt my chances of a nice bonus, on the other hand it does let me write. Thanks to everyone for the ego boost! Now you can tell me how dashingly handsome and charming I am ;)
Oh, and I just found that it says in the Bible: "thou who doth readeth thy fanfiction yet reviewth not shall forever be condemned to Hermione/Grwap and Harry/Giant Squid fictions for all of eternity." So review, unless you're into Hermione/Grwap and Harry/Giant Squid stories, which probably means you have more pressing issues to deal with.
This chapter is mostly narration (less thoughts) and therefore there is less humor then in prior chapters, so it should be safe to read while at work. Enjoy!
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The Bodyguard
So, when I told Ron that I knew 'exactly' what to do, it was more of a vague notion rather than an actual plan of action. I had learned early on to leave all the complicated plans to the expert, and since the expert in question probably wouldn't appreciate my selfless actions on her behalf, it was up to me. I could have asked Ron for some help in developing a plan, but really, unless we were devising a strategy to eat as much food as possible while playing strip-Quidditch with a bunch of Veelas, Ron's input wasn't really that useful (though, to his credit we are on version 4 of the previously mentioned Operation: Veela Feast). And since I learned earlier that my plans weren't much better, I decided to rely on the tried-and-true method of 'playing it by ear.'
Fortunately, I happened to have my handy Invisibility Cloak with me. Call it a hunch, but I just had a feeling that I might need the old girl today. I mean, it's not like I was planning on following Hermione on her 'date,' y'know? But when I saw Carlson drink from that wine glass, I knew she might be in trouble. Honestly, what kind of wizard holds a wine glass with his pinky finger sticking out like that? An evil one, that's what!
After bidding an anxious Ron adieu, I dramatically whipped the cloak around me (it looks cooler that way, rather then just draping it over my shoulders) and began apparating in quick, little jumps until I had caught up with Carlson's car. I quickly recognized the route they were taking and saw they were heading towards Diagon Alley. I apparated ahead of them, a plan finally taking shape in my mind.
I apparated directly into the store and took off my cloak, scaring two teenagers who were browsing. I inwardly sighed when I saw the two owners come out to see what the commotion was about - I was hoping neither of them would be there.
"Hey Harry!" greeted Fred.
"Didn't hear you come in," said George.
"How are you?" finished Fred.
"Good, good. Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, just gotta pick a few things up," I said quickly, rummaging through the shelves.
"Oooh, lookie here Fred, we don't see Harry for ages -"
"And when we do, he's too busy for the likes of us!"
"Yeah yeah yeah," I mumbled grabbing a few things and making my way to the front. I was not in the mood. Hermione could be dead by now! Or worse - expelled! Er wait, wrong line. Heh, I swear, that never gets old. Anyways, back to the current situation. "Just these please," I said as the twins moved to the other side of the counter to ring me up.
"All right Harry?"
"Yeah, you seem a bit -"
"Out of sorts. Is there anything -"
"We can do to help?"
Jeez, can't these two finish a complete sentence on their own? It was a bit like watching a tennis match and was starting to give me a headache. "No, I'm fine just in a hurry gotta go thanks!" I said in rapid succession and apparated away before they could get into a 'Who's on First?'-type routine. I appeared next to the entrance from the Leaky Cauldron and just barely managed to whip on my invisibility cloak (it really does look cool) before the wall opened up and Hermione and what's-his-name walked through. I followed at a discrete distance as the two of them walked down the Alley. They weren't holding hands, but they were walking a little too closely together. It was time to start protecting Hermione.
I maneuvered around until I was slightly off to the side of Carlson. Fortunately, Diagon Alley wasn't too busy, so I didn't have any problems moving in the cloak. I watched closely until the timing was perfect, and they cast a very gentle Banishing Spell at Carlson's right hand. It wasn't nearly strong enough to throw him off his feet, just enough to nudge his hand away from his body…and right into Hermione's derriere.
She jumped a little and gave Carlson a dirty look. Unfortunately there was no slapping. I couldn't see his reaction or hear what he said, but whatever it was, it seemed to appease Hermione a little. She gave him a curt nod and they continued walking, but at least there was more distance between them now.
They continued to walk down the Alley until they reached the restaurant. I was a little impressed despite myself - Micheal's Corner was a very fancy and expensive restaurant. Evil must pay better these days. I watched as Carlson talked to the maître d', and after a moment, Hermione and Carlson took a seat in the waiting area. When I saw the maître d' leave his post, I was hit with a sudden flash of inspiration.
After apparating soundlessly behind him, I made sure Hermione couldn't see me before I removed the cloak and tapped him on the shoulder. He made a rather unmanly squeaky sound and spun around.
"Oh dear, you scared me!" he said. "Can I help you?"
As I didn't have time to be subtle, I decided to go for effectively blunt instead. "My name is Harry Potter," I said, pointing to the scar. I waited the obligatory seconds for the maître d' to look at the scar, recognize who I am, and then stutter in awe. "Right, right," I said quickly. "I need a favor."
"Anything, Mr. Potter. Anything at all," he gushed.
"That couple you just asked to wait, Carlson?"
"Yes?"
"I would like for you to keep them waiting."
"Sir?" He looked confused. I decided to help clear things up.
I stuck out my hand. "It would mean a lot to me if you kept them waiting for a table for a long time, after which there unfortunately won't be a table available," I said, while slipping him a few galleons through the handshake. And let me tell you, bribing someone with big, clunky gold coins is a lot harder than with paper money. However, it did the trick, and the maître d' smiled broadly. Sometimes it's good being rich and famous.
"It would be my pleasure, Mr. Potter. Will you be staying for dinner?"
I shook my head. "No. And once again, I appreciate this." I finally got out of there after signing an autograph and took a perch near the bar, draped once again under the cloak. I watched as the maître d' approached Carlson. He stood up, assuming a table was ready, but his face clouded somewhat as the maître d' apparently told him there would be a wait.
That seemed to do the trick. While no one likes to be kept waiting or have their time wasted, Hermione in particular had little patience for things like that. And though she kept a polite, understanding demeanor throughout the one-hour wait, I could see her irritation grow, especially when the maître d' told them that there wouldn't be a table available for another hour. I could see Carlson was angry (with reason), but I could also tell he was torn between the choice of yelling at the maître d' or not wanting to cause a scene in front of Hermione. He evidently chose against throwing a tizzy-fit, and he led an obviously unhappy Hermione out the door.
I followed them until they reached a little outdoor café and found seats within minutes. I imagine at this time Hermione was a little crabby, since she's not at her most pleasant when she's hungry. I listened in as they ordered their food and followed the waitress back to the kitchen, where I tracked the progress of their meal and added a few of my own special 'ingredients' to Carlson's meal. Then, I found a nice place to stand and just watched.
A few second after Carlson took a bite from his steak, it happened. The sound ripped through the café, loud enough to cause passers-by to stop and stare; Hermione's face was a mixture of distaste and embarrassment. Nothing like one of Fred and George's patented Flatulence Figs to liven up a date, suitable puréed and added to a nice steak sauce.
Fortunately for all concerned, the Figs were designed to only produce the sound (and wind), not the smell. After all, the prank is supposed to be embarrassing to the victim, not cause pain to everyone around the victim. Carlson's face turned noticeable red, but alas for the poor accountant, there was little he could do for the next ten minutes until the effects wore off. I couldn't help chortle like a first-year while the symphony of sounds continued, and I could tell it was taking a massive amount of effort on Hermione's part to stop her from bolting from her seat.
And then, Carlson took a drink from his wine glass. Almost immediately, he began sweating. And I'm not talking about a little perspiration. I'm talking about playing-Beater-for-three-hours-beneath-a-sweltering sun kinds of sweat. It was even a cool day. Ah, Sweating Sweets in action. I figured there's nothing a little flatulence and a lot of sweat to kill a developing romance. But just in case, I smiled in anticipation as Carlson ate some of his mashed potato.
Oops. I guess I went a little overboard with the Nosebleed Nougats (ground into a nice powder and spread over his potatoes) as I watched the blood stream down his nose and into his food. Maybe one Nougat would have been good enough instead of four. I cast a quick spell from underneath my cloak to dispel the effects of the candy while Hermione grabbed a napkin and put it underneath Carlson's nose.
But no matter, the dinner (and hopefully the date) was ruined beyond repair - Hermione would be safe. After she hastily paid for dinner (despite Carlson's efforts), they walked back to Hermione's flat. I apparated ahead while they took the elevator, and I watched as Hermione gave him a handshake (a handshake! Yippee!) before Carlson took the elevator down. Finally! A successful plan! I couldn't help but give myself the proverbial pat-on-the-back for my quick thinking and flawless execution. Sometimes, I even impress myself! I mean really, how many -
"Accio invisibility cloak!"
- wizards out there could not only defeat the darkest wizard twice before turning twenty, but also orchestrate such a -
Waitaminute! What did Hermione just say? Crap! I made a futile attempt to grab at my invisibility cloak, but it was already half-off and flying towards Hermione by the time I moved a finger.
This was not good. But I did not panic. I've been in worse situations then this. Okay, okay, time to come up with a good excuse. A good excuse to explain why I was crouched over like a squirrel in the hallway outside of Hermione's flat underneath my invisibility cloak. Um…
Yeah. I got nothing.
Help?
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A/N: I suppose if people thought the last chapter had a cliffie, they probably won't like this ending. Anywho, after seeing a few of the reviews, I just wanted to clear a few things up.
First, Harry cannot admit feelings that he doesn't know that he has. While true he's probably more oblivious then realistic, I attribute it to the fact that he's never seen romantic love in action, so he doesn't recognize it when it's upon him (Mr. and Mrs. Weasley don't count, since they're probably too old for good old fashioned PDA). Harry needs to realize how he feels before he can tell Hermione. As for Hermione, we don't know what she feels, since this is all from Harry's POV. Does she love Harry, or is she happy with being 'friends with benefits?' Who knows? Okay, I do, but I'm not telling yet. Plus, if Harry just admitted his feelings, the story would've been over a long time ago, and who wants that? (Don't answer.)
Second, Evan is not evil. Like Ron said, he's an accountant, and except for a little paper-shredding, accountants are a good bunch (apologies to any CPAs out there, couldn't resist. But I can empathize, as my sister-in-law used to work for that firm). Based on years of experience watching television, I believe the technical term for what Harry is doing is projecting. Obviously he dislikes Evan right away, but instead of recognizing jealousy, he assumes his dislike is due to Evan being evil.
Third, I am not a girl! I am all man, 100% grade-A beef (insert many grunt and the flexing of appropriate muscles). I suppose I should write a bio.
Next chapter, all will be revealed.
- Hi Tawny! Missed you! I was going to ask you to beta this, but I noticed that you disappeared and was afraid to contact you if you were too busy.
- Good point about the sun Tiffr. You made me laugh :)
- Ironically enough fenriswolf, that's exactly the scene I'm planning when my daughter is old enough to date.