Author Notes: This story is dedicated to Paola, though I doubt she'll ever read this. Is dedicated to her, because of her strength and her courage, I'll never forget. Something about you makes me believe your mother is looking after you, wherever she is. May your life be full of happiness and blessings. Cheers!
A special dedication for Gil (galigad), because I love you, and because life without our brotherhood will not be the same. Hugs!
To the whole of the HMS Pumpkin Pie, and the whole of Portkey (Specially to the PP Army), to any H/Hr shipper out there, cheers! Here's a celebration for the end we all hope we'll be able to share. Sarah (Bingblot) once said, "Because we all know H/Hr is going to happen, we just don't know how or when!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Don't ask why
Don't look back at this time as a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams"
~Hanson
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Her clothes were soaking wet. She was walking under the pouring rain, along the same street she had walked not five minutes ago. She had actually been walking in circles around the same block. All she had wanted was to get away from that room. From the coldness of that room, from the sound of the monitors and the footsteps of doctors as they ran through the hallways. And so she had been walking the same block for some good fifteen minutes, with the rain falling upon her, her clothes wet and her shoes splashing water. But she didn't feel any better.
She was walking now again towards the main entrance, and, just like all the other times, she was thinking of turning on her heels and walk the other way, then she saw him.
He was standing on the corner opposite to where she was, he was also soaking wet, his mass of black hair falling all over his face, unable to be tamed as usual. His glasses dropping water on his cheeks, and his cloak stuck to him. And she knew what he found when he saw her. Red hair stuck wet to her scalp, green eyes shining bright with the sparkle of tears and water, her beige coat, a present from him, soaking wet, leaving huge drops on the ground she walked.
She didn't realise when she did it, but she was eagerly walking to meet him, she was running<> to meet him, her shoes splashing the puddles she came across, the weight of her wet coat holding her back. He came towards her until they met, at the foot of the stairs that led into the main entrance she had been avoiding for fifteen minutes.
He held her in his arms until she felt herself fall helplessly in his embrace. He stroked her hair in the same way that he had been doing for the past nineteen years, running his fingers over her scalp, as if striping away whatever that was bothering her. Only he knew how to do that. It was a way of comforting her that Lily had come to associate only with Harry. But right now, it didn't help that he was trying to comfort her, not one bit.
She was crying with her face buried in his neck, smelling the essence of him, his fatherly essence. She wasn't trying to comfort him back, she knew that she couldn't. She was selfishly holding him to find support, not to give it back. But she knew he didn't care, he didn't care she wasn't trying to support him back, because Lily knew, in some deep part of her, that her father had always been braver than the whole lot of them in a way that they - not even him - could measure. He was brave in a way that none of them had ever achieved. Except perhaps, her mother. But thinking about Hermione pained Lily too much, so she had been fooling herself, avoiding the subject while she walked under the rain, thinking only about herself. Now, Harry was here, and she could think about Hermione, because, even if it hurt, Harry was there for her. And now it was time to face reality again.
"I couldn't do it!" she cried helplessly into his neck. "I couldn't stay there any longer, I tried, I swear I tried, but I couldn't do it!" Lily didn't hear a response from her father when she spoke those words, because she knew he was crying also. "Dad, I can't do it!" she cried, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm not capable! I can't, I ... I'm -"
"Then you're just going to have to be really brave!" Harry sobbed taking her head with one hand and holding her close. "You'll just have to be very strong, Lily!"
"But I don't want to be strong, dad!" she cried. "I want to be five years old and hide behind your cloak!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"What are you doing this evening?
Remain a little longer
It must be this atmosphere
But don't say 'no'
What a need there was
To love you a little so quickly?"
~Sarah Brightman
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry handed Lily a steamy mug, he had dried her clothes and hair with a spell and she felt warm now. Nevertheless, she was still trembling. Harry kneeled in front of her and looked in her face with concern.
"Feeling better?" he asked quietly.
Lily nodded, biting her lower lip so she won't cry anymore. Harry nodded back and sat besides her, holding another steamy cup.
"Who's upstairs?" he asked.
"James, and Ally," she replied.
"Long ago?" he asked again, taking a sip from his drink.
"Like half an hour ago," she answered.
"You can drink that you know," he said with a shadow of a smile.
"I know," she replied.
"And you do know that you can also have a bit of an emotional breakdown every once in a while," he said, again drinking from his mug.
"I know." Lily took a deep breath and decided to take a sip from the drink. "Hey," she said and Harry turned to look at her. "Thanks," she muttered.
"Welcome," he replied, kissing her cheek. "Just Super Dad doing his job,"
"Thanks anyway," she said.
"Ready to go up?" he asked. Lily took another deep breath, a sip from her mug, and nodded.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Lay it down
Make it alright
Lay it down
I'll hold you so tight
Before the moment lies
It's gonna be alright
Lay it down, come on
Lay it down tonight"
~Aerosmith
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The room smelled of a hospital room. Harry hadn't been to a hospital room many times but he did recognise the smell. And it was stupid, he had thought, to think that the room smelled like a hospital room, because it was a hospital room. And so the fact that it smelled of a hospital room was perfectly normal. And he didn't like it.
He didn't like that he could feel the smell of the room, even if he was standing in the door of the elevator, on the opposite end of the hallway. He didn't like that it was through the whole corridor that he could feel the smell. He had once heard about people feeling the smell of death, he thought it was rubbish. Nowadays, he knew that the smell of death contained a portion of the smell of hospital room in it. And he hated it.
And he knew Ally and Lily and James also hated it. And Hermione hated it. He could see it in Ally's eyes that she hated it, he could see it in the way she ran to him when she met up with him and Lily, just as they came out of the elevator.
"Pumpkin!" he whispered in the softness of his daughter's hair. Hair the colour of Hermione's. Impossible to be tamed, like his, but the colour of Hermione's. Ally was hiding her little face in the crook of his neck, grabbing at it with a tremendous force, with a force able to amaze Harry, but she wasn't crying. She had cried for days, every day, every night, with Harry, with James with Lily and with Hermione. She had been crying non stop. But then, two days ago, out of nowhere, she just stopped crying. She came out of Hermione's room, with her face flushed and stained with dried tears, but then, from then on, she had not cried another tear. Harry had wanted to know why, he had even asked Lily, had tried to ask James but in the end, neither knew. And he didn't dare ask Hermione, not because she won't trust him to tell him, but because she would. And, Harry knew, whatever words Ally and Hermione had had between them, was between them and only them. It was something that was better kept between the mother and the daughter, and he wasn't going to change that.
Not even if the strength with which his daughter grabbed him made him want to shatter into pieces right there in the middle of a hospital hallway.
"Dad," James said as Ally let go slowly of Harry's neck.
"James," he answered. "Why are you both out, who's inside, did something happened?"
"No, not really," James said slowly, as if trying not to give Harry a shock.
"What do you mean not really?" he asked, passing Ally to Lily.
"Nothing's wrong, dad," James said slowly. "It's only, the person inside with mum, is Ron."
"Ron?" Harry asked. "Ron's in here?" he felt himself breathing in relief, giving a silent thanks to the heavens, for bringing Ron there.
"He is," James said. "He just got into London about an hour ago, he came here right away."
Ron had been working with Fred and George ever since they had all left school. On latest years, Ron had been travelling a lot. A week working in Paris, a month in Sidney, two weeks in India... non stop. A week ago, when the whole thing had started, he had been around, but had left a couple of days after to Brazil. Only to find out that, actually, everything had gone wrong.
But now Harry knew, that whatever was ahead of them, he will not have to look down at the floor and think "I wish Ron would be here". He was going to be there for him.
Thank whatever God there was for it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had
Living not for reality"
~The Cranberries
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Mate" Ron said, as he gave Harry a typical manly hug, hitting his back with his palms. And, as any typical manly hug, quick enough.
Harry stepped from Ron, and looked at him, years had not changed the difference of their heights, but had changed the way with which they'd look at each other. Something had changed that Harry could sense at times, at times like this. That Ron looked at him with more respect than friendship since sometime Harry couldn't spot. Harry had never stopped to ask himself if there was a reason for said change in their dynamics, because, deep down, he had always been sure that some old day, when the three of them would be old and alone in a big house, he'd be able to ask Ron himself, what that reason was. Although, very later on, he had started to realised there probably wasn't going to be a time when the three of them will be old and alone.
He, and maybe Ron, were going to be old and alone.
And it was a hard thing to say, but he would change his longevity for hers.
"If the world is on your shoulders right now, and you feel like you want to drop it for a bit," Ron said with a shadow of a smile. "I'll keep you company while you have a break."
"Thanks," Harry answered. "I could use one,"
" I figure," Ron said as they took seats on an old white table on the hospital cafeteria. "And therefore, if you want to talk about it, I listen, and if you don't, I'll make out some conversation," Ron tried to catch Harry's eye. "Do you?"
Harry was looking at the surface of the white table, with his mind completely gone.
"Do you?"
"You know," Harry said with bitterness. "The whole operation was about protecting that girl." He looked at Ron, but he did a face to show that he was listening, but that he couldn't understand. "And she's dead, the girl, she's dead." Harry took a deep breath and looked again at the table. "And I just wish she wasn't, I don't know why I do, but I do! I wish she wasn't dead. I wish I could look at her, and feel that this wasn't just meant to happen like this. I wish that the tragedy that brought us to this point hadn't been a tragedy. I wish it had gone alright."
"And you do know why?"
"I think I do," Harry muttered, squeezing his eyes shut. "Because then I'd feel like this wasn't a plot from destiny to hide this huge secret from us, and then just drop it over all of us like an ice cube, on a cold winter night. For no reason, with no ground, hiding it and then dropping it just because. Like we're going to feel it less because it's a shorter time that we've got."
"Did you know ..." Ron started tentatively. "... that she wants to go home?"
"I do!" Harry said with a terrible impatience, running his fingers through his mass of black hair in desperation. "I asked Seamus about it, and he said he didn't know, that he was going to consider it." He looked at Ron, with tears already coming down his cheeks. "What's in there to consider Ron? She's going to die! She's going to die and I can't even take her home to have her die where she wants!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"If I could stay...
Then the night would give you up
Stay...and the day would keep its trust
Stay...with the demons you drowned
Stay...with the spirit I found
Stay...and the night would be enough
Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel runs the ground"
~U2
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Hey there!" Lily said as she entered her mother's room.
"Hey" Hermione said. She was sitting with her back against the headboard. "How was your walk?"
"Alright," she said, taking the chair at Hermione's right.
"Do you want to have a talk?" Hermione asked her daughter with a small smile on her lips. Lily raised her right eyebrow and smiled back.
"A "talk" talk, or a "talk" talk?"
"I think a talk was what I meant!"
Lily shrugged and leaned against the chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "Go ahead then,"
"You know, just this morning," Hermione started, with a bright sparkle in her eyes. "I was thinking, how, everything I know about love, I learned it from your father." She spoke looking at the ceiling, and then turned to Lily. "Don't misunderstand me, I've learned things from you and James and Ally, but, romantic love, everything I know is about Harry." She took a deep breath. "I, don't think it could have been any other way, romantic, passionate, dangerously in love, love, I learned it all from Harry." She chuckled and looked at her sheets. "And why am I telling you this, instead of telling Harry?" she shrugged. "Because -"
"He knows," Lily interrupted.
"Yes," Hermione breathed deeply and looked at her daughter with teary eyes. "He knows." She suddenly broke into a smile. "You know there actually was a point for me to have this conversation with you!"
"Talk!" Lily corrected. "A talk. And being it a talk I figured there was a point."
"Well," Hermione breathed deeply again. "I wondered this morning," she seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then carried on. "I was wondering, Lily, if you've ever been in love?"
Lily froze a second on the spot, slightly taken aback by her mother's question. Making a mental note to ask her later the reason for her question, Lily sighed.
"No, never," she said simply. "I've had times when I've thought I was, but I've never really been in love."
"And," Hermione went on. "Do you know the reason?"
"As a matter of fact I do!" Lily said, surprising herself that she indeed knew the reason why she had never been in love. "Because, I've worked hard not to fall in love. I've convinced myself that I don't have time to fall in love!"
Lily was surprised to see that her mother did not find this piece of information one bit surprising. Well, she thought, leave it to mum to know everything.
"But why, Lily?" she asked. "Do you know why?"
"Because, falling in love will hurt you!" Lily said desperately, leaning over her mother's bed in desperation. "And I've convinced myself I have to protect me from being hurt, from allowing someone to hurt me. Because I shouldn't have time to get hurt!"
"But Lily!" Hermione said with tears in her eyes. "I fell in love with your father, and we've hurt each other, over and over, because of many things, and it doesn't matter. Because I've had the time of my life!"
Their talk turned into silence for a moment. Neither of them spoke, and Lily leaned against her chair again, breathing deeply. Hermione looked at her expectantly, with her eyes still sparkling with tears. Then, sighing as she spoke, Lily talked.
"I've never had the time of my life," she said quietly.
"Then, this, my love, I say it from the deepest of my heart," Hermione said, looking into Lily's eyes. "What are you waiting for?"
The tears Lily had been holding since she entered the hallway with her father, exploded there. She opened up her arms and hugged her mother, sitting in the side of her bed, allowing her tears to fall over the top of her mother's hair.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Got some questions to ask of you
In your blue room
The air is clean
Your skin clear
I've had enough hanging around here
It's a different kind of conversation
Your blue room"
~U2
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"There's something I've wanted to ask you long ago,"
At least half an hour had been since Lily started to cry desperately. And cried, and cried, and cried some more. Until the air had turned clean again, and both Lily and Hermione had stopped crying. And then they had gone quiet.
Up until the moment Lily decided to speak.
"There's something I've wanted to ask you long ago,"
"You already said that," Hermione said. "But I don't know what you want to ask me. And you can ask me anything, you know,"
"I know," Lily nodded.
"So, what do you want to know?"
"I want to ask you this," Lily said, hesitating, the carrying on. "Because there's something I really need to know, so that when..." she hesitated again. "When the time comes, when I desperately need to know it, I won't have to regret that I didn't ask you."
"I understand," Hermione said. "Again, what do you want to know?"
"Have you ever ... have you ever been proud of me?" Lily asked, and Hermione started to open her mouth but Lily went on. "Have you ever looked at me and said, I'm proud of the woman Lily's become, I'm proud of her career choice, I'm proud she's my daughter, I'm proud she's this dancer she is, she's witch she is?"
"Lily," Hermione said, grabbing her daughter's face with both her hands, with tears falling down her cheeks. "All the time!"
"But," Lily said. "Haven't you ever wished I wasn't a dancer, haven't you ever wished I wasn't who I am, haven't you ever wished I was more like James?"
"No Lily!" Hermione said, with a smile starting to play on her lips. "Never! You've always been you, and James's always been James. And I wouldn't have either of you any other way!" she said, then kissed Lily's cheek. "The day you came home and said that you were going to be a Ballet dancer, I, wondered what took you to decide on that, and the explanation I came up with, was that you were just like me."
"What do you mean, just like you? James is like, I've never been the kind of woman you are."
"But you are!" she said. "Don't you see? You may pretend to be strong and stubborn, but inside, you have too many wishes and wants, and, just like I did someday, when I married your father, knowing who he was, and knowing what that meant, you followed your heart!"
"But I'm not like you!" Lily cried. "I'm not the kind of woman you are, I've never been, and I don't think I'll ever achieve it."
"Lily," Hermione said, grabbing at Lily with a strength that snapped Lily's eyes open. When she spoke she did it with her voice loud and clear. "The reason I am not afraid to die, and leave you three alone with Harry, is because I am satisfied with the woman you've become. Because you're the woman they will need when I am gone. And you're more than enough of a woman. And that means my job here in the world is done, and it was done more than alright!"
"How can you know that I'm good enough, if I don't know it myself?" she asked desperately. "What have I done to prove you right?"
"Because I've seen you, Lily!" she said. "I've seen you since the day you were born, and I've known you more than you know yourself, even if you think I don't.... And you're all the proof I need!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Penny and I should get away and drown our pain in lemonade
And Penny dreams of rainy days and nights up late by the fireplace
And aimless conversations about the better days
Singing alone she's feeling alright
We're making it by in the pink moonlight
It's always Penny and me tonight
Cause Penny and me like to roll the windows down
Turn the radio up, push the pedal to the ground
And Penny and me like to gaze at starry skies
Close our eyes pretend to fly
It's always Penny and me tonight"
~Hanson
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Evening ladies!" Harry said as he entered the room in which Lily and Hermione were laughing. "Someone's been having all the fun it seems!"
"You have no idea!" answered Hermione as Harry came and kissed her.
"I missed you," he whispered into her ear.
"You saw me this morning!"
"And it's six o'clock!" he said, pretending surprise. "That's far too long for my taste!"
"Oi get a room you two!" said Lily with a smirk.
"This is her room you know!" Harry smirked back at her.
"I take that as a friendlier way to say "Lily get out!" so I will get out," she said, getting past Harry to kiss Hermione's cheek.
"Love you," she said. "I'll take Ally home, see you in the morning,"
"Love you too," Hermione answered. "Remember to have the time of your life!" she said as Lily went to the door.
Lily waved her hand behind her head to show she had listened, then left the room.
"The time of your life?" asked Harry. "What was that about?"
"I'll tell you later," she said, grabbing Harry's collar and kissing him quickly. "I have something else in mind right now,"
Harry kissed her with a hunger he didn't know he had. Grabbing her shoulders and her waist in an attempt to get her closer than she already was, and was just about to tell her what a good plan that was, when she broke their kiss.
"Harry," she whispered, her forehead against his.
"What, my Hermione?" he said. "What do you want? Anything you want I'd do,"
"I want you!" she said, kissing his forehead and then setting hers against his again. "And I want you to take me home!"
Harry was so startled to hear her say that, that his eyes snapped open and he disentangled himself from her to be able to look in her eyes.
"You want me to what?"
"Take me home, Harry!" she said patiently. "I want to go home. I want to leave this horrible hospital room, and leave this horribly cold smell in the air. I want you to take me home!"
"Hermione, I'd love to," Harry started. "But Seamus said -"
"Harry," Hermione said with all of her personal determination. "Tell Seamus I love him, he's a good guy, and has saved our asses more than once, but, right away, I don't give a bloody damn what he says. I want to go home, and sleep in our bed, and have you hold me if I have a nightmare, and have my fireplace on the right side of my bed, and have my kitchen in the floor below. I want to be home when Ally comes from school and before Lily goes to Ballet. And I ... I want to be home when it happens. I don't want it to happen anywhere else that's not in our home, with our fireplace and our bed."
"I understand," Harry said quietly. "I do... but I ... -"
"You what?" Hermione said again with all of her determination.
"I will take you home!" Harry said looking at her white sheets. "But I will not tell Seamus all that rude rubbish!"
Lovely Hermione laughter filled the room and for a moment, it seemed to Harry that it made the cold air in the room warmer.