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Chapter Five
Absences Explained
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"Harry -- you startled me!" Hermione said, kneeling to pick up the mug, she had dropped in shock. Harry being Harry, he came forward to help her. As they were picking up the broken pieces of the once ceramic mug, her hand brushed against his. They eyes met in the middle, both not daring to move. Hermione found her heart thumping loudly in her chest. Surely, he can hear that?
She lost herself in his eyes: both wonderful and frightening at the same time. He continued to stare in her eyes, making her incredibly weak and uncomfortable. Hating herself, she broke their eye contact and stood quickly, brushing down her clothes, while depositing the shards of glass into the trash bin. She looked back to see Harry looking slightly putout, his eyes sad. As much as she wanted to immediately forgive him, she knew she couldn't.
Standing defiantly, planting her hands on her hips, Hermione raised an eyebrow at her long-time best friend. "I think we need to have a talk." The words rang loudly in the otherwise silent kitchen, even the tap held back its familiar drip. Crookshanks paused in the doorway, his mouth open in a silent meow. They looked at each other, before Harry dropped his gaze.
"Okay…" his voice sounded so resigned, as if he was too weak to put up a fight. Hermione felt her resolve drop before she pushed it back up. Without looking at him, she strode purposely from the room, not daring to glance back. As she entered the Lounge Room, she was startled to find Harry's blanket folded neatly, resting on the back of the couch. He has matured then she thought with a wry smirk.
She stood stiffly as Harry walked slowly into the room. She pointed to an armchair bossily, as he slung his head and followed her silent orders. Even three years out of Hogwarts, Hermione was still the bossiest person you would know. She stared down at the man she once knew, watching as he fiddled with a thread sticking from the armrest. Deciding he was officially scared and nervous, she took her seat on a soft chair opposite him.
There was an uncomfortable stillness in which Hermione kept her forced fierce gaze on the back of Harry's head, as he stared down at his lap. It seemed an eternity before he looked up, their eyes meeting. Waiting for this moment, Hermione took a deep breath.
"Explain." He looked at her with a blank expression before amusement flashed across his emerald gaze.
"About what?" he asked, feigning playful ignorance. Hermione didn't buy it though and only raised an annoyed brown eyebrow. He dropped his humorous face to adopt one of quiet contemplation. "What do you want to know?" he asked in a soft voice, watching her with a sad gaze.
She was not deterred and kept her stern expression. "Everything."
If it was even possible, Harry looked older now than he had ever done. In his younger years, he had been forced to grow up before his time. All of them had. They were expected to be strong, leaders for those younger. They had been in the middle of a war, causing them to face horrors they shouldn't have had to face in their entire lifetime. But they had done it all and still managed to have some good times, however short and few they were.
In seven short years, they had grown wise beyond their years. Even those double their age had looked up at them, standing bravely against numerous foes. And Harry had taken the worst of it. After over a decade of mistreatment and abuse by his relatives, he was not broken. After seven years of torture from both enemy and friend, he was not broken. After seven years of battle after battle and seeing death after death, he was not broken.
But now, after a mere three years alone, he was shattered. As the cup had been smashed on the hard kitchen floor, his life had been split into tiny fragments of memories and emotions. His dull eyes told her all he needed to know. But still she listened.
"I suppose it all started when I left Platform and Three Quarters over three years ago…," he said with a sigh, eyes vacant as if he were reliving that day once more. It was a moment before he continued his voice full of hurt and pain. "That was by far the worst day of my life. To leave my family and friends willingly…but it was a hard choice to make. But I needed to go."
"Why?" Hermione said, her emotional shield fracturing. She usually wasn't one to interrupt a story or speech, but she felt the need to say something. He looked at her with a faint smile that she had almost forgotten.
"I needed time to think and to sort out my life…," he said glancing down as Crookshanks strolled into the room. He seemed to be making a mental decision about who to go to; in the end, he decided upon his master, and pounced onto Hermione's lap. His lamp-like eyes turned to him, as if waiting for him to continue speaking. Harry smiled and thought like master like animal.
"After loading my bags up with money, I decided to leave London. I'd never been anywhere other than Britain and Hogwarts, so I decided to do a little exploring. I'd heard how nice France was supposed to be, so I slowly travelled over the channel with a group of tourists. I split from them at Boulogne heading towards Paris…it's so beautiful there, Hermione, you'd love it!" Harry said with one of his old twinkles back in his eye. Hermione smiled.
"I've been; it is quite lovely. Please, continue…"
"Oh - right…" Harry thought for a moment before recovering from where he left off. "As I was saying, it's great there. The Eiffel Tower is so tall! I stayed in a hotel not far form it so I could stare at it as night set in. All these lights lit up at the bottom and along the sides -- it reminded me of Hogwarts for some reason." A wistful look appeared in his eyes as he remembered the great school, before continuing his tale.
"I didn't spend long in Paris. It was nice and all, but I couldn't find what I was looking for."
"And what was that?" Hermione asked softly, really getting into the story, almost forgetting his anger at the green-eyed boy. He looked to her and smiled sadly.
"Myself."
"Oh…" was all she said, leaning back in her chair. If she was expecting anything, it wasn't that.
"I went through Italy, not stopping although I did have a look through some of the Roman museums. It was really historical!" He said, watching her face with a grin. Hermione shot a glare at her as he chuckled. "No, it was so beautiful there. You walk down the streets, with all these ancient buildings, and you can practically feel the history of the place. I apparated over to Greece, hearing about this nice call Wizarding village there from a fellow I met in Rome. He told me where the apparation point was so I left Italy and landed in a spot just out of Athens. I'm telling you Hermione, I could practically feel the magic coming out of the ground and the buildings. It was so strong, and I could hardly breathe in some ancient monuments because of all the magical energy!" Harry said with awe, his eyebrows getting lost in his messy hair. For a second, Hermione spotted that little boy she used to know, shining from his eyes.
But it was gone just as quickly as it came, leaving her feeling empty and hollow inside.
"I spent a few months in Athens, just exploring and meeting a few people. I was lucky there as hardly anybody knew me; none of them had been involved in the war, and they wanted it that way. They were so clueless about the outside word, that's probably why I stayed there so long. But soon, I grew restless, as I still couldn't find the missing piece. So I set off again, leaving behind a few good friends and a cosy hotel room. At first, it felt weird to be away from all the ancient magic. It was as if something was missing. Something important. But I soon got used to the feeling, making my way through Romania and then Russia." Harry's face grew troubled and his eyes shone with something dark.
"I wouldn't recommend going there, Hermione." He said, shaking his head quickly.
"Why?" Hermione asked with a puzzled gaze. She had always wanted to take a vacation to Russia, hearing it was the birthplace of all the ancient rituals.
"Trust me. Don't go there. They have all these underground occults running, full of Blood Rituals and sacrificing. I was lucky I got out alive when one of them recognized me. They chased me halfway across the country, threatening to sacrifice my `unholy' body to the gods to reclaim their master back!"
"One guess who their `master' was…" Hermione said with a frustrated glare. People were so savage.
"So I skipped through Russia pretty quickly, not wanting to be part of any sacrilegious ceremony!" Harry visibly shuddered, running a hand through his hair. "That's why I disguised myself and changed my name to James Evans. That way, I wouldn't get hassled because of my past…" he furrowed his brow, eyes flashing in anger before being replaced with fake cheer.
"I stayed in China for another month of two, learning about the different arts of magic and life. I even learnt part of their lifestyle and language - a bit, but not much. It was really great seeing things from another's point of view and another way of life. But I started to miss Britain and all you guys -- especially you." Harry looked uncertainly at her as she smiled faintly.
"Australia was by far the best. It was so relaxed down there but too hot. Their climate was sweltering and I had to buy a completely new wardrobe to keep from melting. But the people were really welcoming and the Australian Ministry of Magic was so different from ours. Instead of a single minister, they have a whole board of representatives, who sort out the problems together. Of course, there is a head representative who has the power to overrule to a certain point - but other than that, they work and treat everyone equally. And I swear, as I was in the desert, I seen one of those Yowies!" Harry exclaimed as Hermione dissolved into giggles.
"I spent almost a year lounging under the sun - can you tell!" he said, showing her his tanned arm with a joyful grin. She smiled at him and nodded.
"Yes, I can."
"So, hmmm…" he scratched his eyebrow. "Oh - I left Australia at the end of my second year away, and decided to go to America and see what all the fuss was about that Salem's Academy. It's pretty nice, set in the middle of this huge forest with all these mountain ranges behind it. It was nice, but not as good as Hogwarts." Hermione nodded eagerly. She had heart a lot about the American Wizardry School, and desperately wanted to see it.
"And they let you just go in and have a look around?" Hermione asked in disbelief, knowing about the Statute of Secrecy running between each school. Harry grinned foolishly, his eyes sparkling in mischief.
"Well…not exactly." He said with a broad grin. Hermione looked at him appalled.
"What did you do?" she demanded, leaning forwards in her plush armchair. Harry laughed, running a hand through his hair again. Hermione noticed that he was doing that more than usual and she figured it was to do with nerves.
"I sort of - kind of - posed as a professor wanting to teach the Dark Arts there…" Harry trailed off with a guilty grin.
"You did what!" Hermione said in anguish. She couldn't believe that Harry - her Harry - would do something so illegal!"
"It wasn't against the law, Hermione!" Harry said as if reading her thoughts. "I actually was considering taking the job. I just dropped out at the last minute after exploring the castle! No one was the wiser!" he said with a lopsided grin and a sparkle in his eyes. Hermione groaned in disbelief, placing a hand over her eyes.
"I cannot believe you!" she muttered under her breath, as Harry's smile faded and a strange look came into his eyes as he stared at her. Catching his peculiar gaze, she said, "What?"
"Nothing; nothing…so, I went to America and stayed there for a few weeks. New York is so hectic! I got lost more than three times, and almost was hit by a taxi; twice! The streets were completely packed and I could hardly move! People were so rude, especially the businessmen who pushed me everywhere. The nicest people were those living on the streets - I actually shared a box with this man one night. His name was Howard and I couldn't find a place to stay so he offered me a spot in this old television box. And I'm telling you - that was the scariest night of my life!" Hermione laughed aloud at the truly horrified look on Harry's face as he shook his head.
"Voldemort be damned - spending a night in a water-soluble shelter, is no way to go. The gangsters were no help either. I could have hexed them to next year when they tried to steal our box. Howard went mental at them and the last I seen of him was chasing them down the street. Luckily, it was almost morning and I didn't have to spend another second in the soggy box!" Harry said with a shiver.
Hermione laughed with humour. She couldn't imagine Harry and a homeless man squeezed up in a box, on a street of New York City. The press would have a field day knowing there hero had stooped so low.
"But it was good, in a way." Harry added, with a smile. At Hermione's confused face he said, "It made me realise how bad my life could've been. Instead of having a room in Privet Drive, I could've been living in this dark alley somewhere or an orphanage. Seeing things from Howard's point made me appreciate the good things I had in life instead of all the bad. It made me realise how bad some people truly had it. At least I was fed and had a safe place to sleep. Some people don't even have clothes!"
Hermione was startled at his outburst. This was no longer the broody, hurt teenager she had left at the train station. He had been turned into a passionate, determined man. Of course, Harry had always been caring of other people's needs and feelings, but him being in their situation made him see things for the first time. And truly appreciate the life he had.
Hermione wasn't sure if she liked this new Harry.
"Erm, by the time I entered Africa, I was really desperate to get home. But I still hadn't found what I wanted, so I stayed in this small, African village with a family of magical folk. They were so kind, Hermione! And so powerful! They didn't even need a wand to do magic - instead they carried a staff thing that was imbedded with a magical core, like wands but with different qualities. Even the children would do magic as if it was a natural thing for them. They just pointed at something and it would do what they asked - no words or wand needed! It was bloody brilliant!" Harry said in awe.
Hermione smiled: that was the old Harry she knew and loved.
"The animals were so weird there as well! There were some lions with forked tongues and bats that could deafen you if they shrieked! I loved just wandering through the forest, listening to all the animals and sitting under these trees with tentacles, that sang to you. I spent a month there before making my way back here, passing through Spain and back across France. But I didn't come straight home, instead I stayed in Scotland a while; it was relaxing. It just needed some time close to home, to sort through my thoughts." Harry sighed here, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes.
"When Voldemort died I was lost. My purpose in life was fulfilled - what more was there? I had never lived a normal life before, I felt somewhat hollow without the presence of Tom in my head; I didn't know if I liked the feeling or not. I escaped to try to fill that emptiness, to find something more that I could do. Albus told me that I was free and I could do whatever I wanted. But I didn't know what I wanted. It was a strange time in my life. When I defeated Voldemort, it felt as though I didn't belong. That my purpose in life was over after I fulfilled the prophecy.
"Everyone was congratulating me. Telling me how brave and courageous I was to murder Voldemort. Because that's what I did, Hermione. I murdered someone! Even if Voldemort was more monster than human, it was still a life! I felt dirty but people kept congratulating me. It sounded as if they were congratulating me for killing someone!
"And the press didn't help matters! Every time I looked at the paper, I would see my face, telling the world of my heroics! They didn't know that I didn't have a choice to kill Voldemort or not! My fate was determined before I was even born! Even after Voldemort killed my parents, Cedric, Sirius, the Dursleys, and hurt everyone I ever cared about - I really didn't think about killing him, it seemed like a bad dream that I couldn't be woken from.
"Then the end of school came and I made my decision to travel the world, to try to find myself in some other country. It hurt like hell stepping off the train knowing it would be the last time I ever did it. And it hurt even more when I knew I had to leave you - everyone. But if I hadn't have gone, I don't know what would have happened. If I hadn't have gone, I wouldn't have realised that what I was looking for was here all along!" Harry said passionately, looking across into Hermione's eyes. In them, she saw pain and sorrow, but also a fierce truth. She felt the space behind her eyes sting with unwanted tears.
"I meant what I said before I left you, Hermione. I will always love you." He said it with such sincerity and raw emotion that she found the tears spilling down her cheeks; she didn't try to stop them.
"I know…," she whispered.
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- Disclaimer -
I do not own Harry Potter and never will.
Hey everyone!
Here's the newest chapter, out much sooner than any of the others. I've just been on a roll, updating all my stories in the last couple of days! Are you proud? But this will probably mean no more updates until next week, or later! Sorry, but if I get another burst of creativity, I will write faster.
Please review and thanks to everyone who has so far!
Later Days…
DW
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