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Chapter Six
Not All Things Stay the Same
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She would give anything to keep that look upon his face for all time. She would give all her happiness and wealth, just to see that look remain upon his face for just a little longer.
His eyes were alight in happiness and the youth he had long since grown out of. Her words stripped the haggard look caused by the brutal war from his appearance, so he looked every bit of his twenty years. The true smile gracing his lips made her heart soar with pleasure, but everything came crashing horribly back and her breath caught sharply in her throat.
The tears streaking softly down her cheeks met the harsh material of her sweater as she brushed them hastily away. If Harry had wanted to make her cry and forgive him for leaving her when she needed him, he had another thing coming. It would take more than a story and a few choice words to heal the wound left by his leaving three years passed. It would take a lot more.
Harry sat directly across from her, but as she wiped the salty tears away, he stood and made his way towards her. He knelt on his knees on floor and began to reach for her shaking hands. His skin met hers and he squeezed lightly. Hermione ripped her hand away, shooting a painful glare straight into his startled eyes.
"Hermione, I thought -"
"What, Harry? What did you think?" she said, standing and pushing past him, to stand a few meters away near the wall. "Did you think I would welcome you back with open arms? Did you think I would forget what you did to me? To everyone?" A fierce fire was blazing in her once kind brown eyes, and her hair crackled with fury. Harry's face fell, and the sad, haunting look appeared once more in his eyes as he struggled to stand.
"Hermione, I said I'm sorry!" he tried to reason with her, and he went to step closer. She held up her hands, glaring furiously at him.
"Don't come any closer." He stopped and just stared at her with his goddamned beautiful eyes. "I know you're sorry. But sorry won't make up for the three years you were gone. Sorry won't take away the days I sat crying because I was alone and hurting. Sorry won't make me forgive you for leaving me." And the tears stung at her eyes again, this time in remembrance of those hard time in which she struggled to live through.
Each of her words was like a blow to his heart. She could see him physically drain of energy right in front of her. His eyes lost their sparkle, leaving them dull apart from the haunting look of pain. She was too angry to care.
"You're story was really nice. Harry. I'm happy you were so easily able to get away. Meanwhile, the people you left behind had to live through the aftermath of war. We had to try to rise back up without the person who had saved us in the first place. And while you were off gallivanting around the world, some of us had to pick up the pieces of our old lives, and try to repair the damage Voldemort caused. Because, Harry, if you didn't know, you left us without a leader. We tried to rebuild our world, after more than three years of Voldemort destroying it."
Hermione couldn't stop the hatred she felt for Harry, even though she so desperately wanted to love him. She couldn't bring herself to forgive him for what he did to everyone -- for what he did to her. The retched tears continued to fall, burning her skin as if they were acid. And she was startled to see Harry's eyes glistening with tears, although they stayed defiantly still, refusing to drip away.
"I left -"
"- left to find yourself, I know!" Hermione yelled angrily. "But you could have found yourself here." Her voice lowered and she hated how desperate it sounded. "Why did you have to leave for three years, to find something you could have found while being with me?" Her hands started to shake with anger and fear; she hastily crossed her arms, not wanting to show him how weak she was. "Because that's how long I was alone, Harry. Three years. THREE BLOODY YEARS!"
Harry winced at the volume of her voice and his mouth moved soundlessly, as if trying to find the right words. Hermione shook her head, a sick smile spreading across her lips. She chuckled darkly. "Not that you would have cared while sun-baking Australia, searching for the elusive Yowie. That must have been fun! You know what? Maybe I should've gone with you, that way, I wouldn't have had to remember all the people who had died, or wouldn't have had to stay in London to help the world survive after the war. You know what? I really should have been sun-baking instead of bothering to miss YOU!"
"Do you think I liked being away from you?" Harry said his voice low and dripping with misery. Hermione refused to feel guilty for causing that much pain.
"I don't know, Harry! How was I supposed to know; I haven't heard from you in THREE YEARS!" she yelled mockingly, her false grin vanishing.
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" He shouted. It was the tone of his voice other than the volume that startled her more; it was practically made of fear.
"Than make me understand, Harry. Make me understand why you left. And don't give me that `I was trying to find myself' crap. Because it's not good enough." Hermione said in a deadly hiss, her eyes flashing with anger. Harry stared at her through eyes laced with uncertainty, as he placed a shaking hand over his eyes before sighing.
"How could I stay in a place that reminded me of all the things I lost?" he said it so softly that she strained to hear it. "Everything I looked at reminded me of Voldemort -- even you. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror; all I could see was his face looking back. Even after I killed him he tormented me! I didn't know how to get away! Everything felt so wrong in my life, including the things I thought were the only right. I left not only to find myself but also to get away from myself. Cowardly, I know." He laughed bitterly, a dark glint growing in his eyes.
Hermione felt her heart thump painfully behind her ribcage, and she swallowed the angry remark wanting to burst from her mouth. Instead, she willed him to continue with her eyes.
"But I couldn't escape, Hermione. No matter how far I ran! I tried to get away form my past, but I met it everywhere - especially in my dreams. As soon as I closed my eyes I relived the worst days of my life -- Voldemort's rebirth, Sirius's death, the final battle, and that day on Platform Nine and Three Quarters." The last part was said in a low whisper, his eyes pleading with her to understand. She shook her head even as a tear rolled from her chin. He sighed.
"I didn't want to leave you, Hermione. I didn't want to leave anyone. But I had to get away! I couldn't even look at you without feeling guilt and seeing you fall on the battlefield." His voice cracked and he looked quickly down. But not before she caught the tears spilling down his face.
Her own heart tripped at the thought of that memory. She thought of it each day, and each time she felt a sharp pang of feeling across her stomach.
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The grounds were lit with the many spells fired from wands, that streaked through the cool air. Screams of pain and anguish mixed with the triumphant cries of the battlers as one of their enemies fell. The once green glass was splashed with crimson blood, its owner lying still not far from it, eyes closed for all eternity.
She fired a jet of light forward, and watched as it hit its target with a sickening thud as the body collapsed to the ground. There was no pleasure in causing pain to another being but this was a war, and she would do anything in her power to speed up its ending.
After sending off another well aimed spell that took done an opponent, she spotted the one person she was fighting for. Her heart thudded in her chest as her eyes trailed to his challenger, the monster's blood-red eyes glowing in the fading light. But the fight had been going for far too long, and it was clearly showing by the sheet of sweat covering the Dark Lords pale, snake-like face.
But her momentary pause was too long as she heard a desperate cry. Her head turned to Harry; his emerald eyes wide in unnatural fear as he stared at a spot behind her. She felt the spell strike through her middle, tearing apart her flesh to leave the other side as a streak of white light.
The pain was intense and her knees fell out beneath her. There was no strength left in her body and her wand dropped soundlessly to the grass, the ground now covered in her own warm blood. The air was getting harder to suck into her lungs, and each time her lungs expanded, pain shot across her body. She looked down at her stomach through teary eyes, and gasped to see a gaping hole cut through her dark robes.
Blood was silently flooding down her front, soaking her clothes and hands as she helplessly tried to stem the flow. It was useless. Her skin prickled with fear. Her body grew cold and she couldn't stop shivering. She sunk back onto her legs, hands dropping uselessly to her sides, stained scarlet.
She looked up to see Harry be struck by a red light and a ripple of fear ran through her body. But he stood tall and fired a spell back at the monster. His head turned to her and he began to run towards her crumpled body. She shook her head and tried to call out. But her voice was lost in her constricting throat.
She couldn't warn him as a spell hurtled towards him. A quick block on his part sent the purple light back at the Dark Lord, who stepped aside out of its way. The look in Harry's eyes wanted her to reach out and comfort him, but she found her arms wouldn't move. Nothing would.
Even the cold had vanished, leaving her whole body numb and exhausted. He was trying so hard to reach her, and she so wanted him to come to her. But Voldemort kept holding him back, kept him from reaching her. Soon, black spots appeared in her vision and she knew it was no use. She was going to die.
Her head soon found the hard blood-stained grass, her eyes turned to face the dueling wizards. As darkness was taking her with its steely talons, her eyes grew wide at the scene before her. A green flash left Harry's wand, and she had thought Voldemort would duck it like all the others. He didn't.
The Killing Curse met its target and the Dark Lord's slitted eyes grew wide as his wand slipped from his pale hands. Silence fell across the fields; she wasn't sure if it was the final step of her death, or if the fighting had suddenly ceased.
And darkness finally took her as she watched Voldemort fall, dead, to the ground, and see Harry running desperately to her.
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She had woken in the Hospital Wing a week later, in pain, but very much alive. She had been struck by a strong Shot-Gun Curse, that was meant to blow a hole through whatever it touched. In this case, her stomach. All thought she would die on that hospital cot from blood loss and internal disintegration. But she proved to be made of stronger stuff, waking up just as they were preparing to give up.
And as soon as her eyes had opened, the first thing she spotted was the loving and haunted gaze of Harry. He had sat by her bed for the whole week, not eating or sleeping, just watching the unsteady rise and fall of her chest. He had been the one to take her from the battlefield, and rescue her from the icy grip of death. If she had been left to bleed for another few minutes, she wouldn't have been savable. Harry had saved her, as he had so many others. And he had sat with her for those seven torturous days, ignoring all save her pale and drawn face, hoping that she would wake. And she had.
Even if her heart begged her to forgive him, to run over and wipe away his tears, she couldn't. Not with her mind reminding her of what he did to her, how he left her all alone with nothing more than memories to keep her company through the long cold nights. He might have saved her on that day, when death was so close to taking her, but he also left her, when she was still healing from that almost fatal blow.
She was now scarred; a horrible reminder of the battle she fought in and the horrors she witnessed. Her sleep was plagued by visions and memories, and she had woken each time to only want to be wrapped in the arms of her hero. But he hadn't been there. He hadn't been there when she needed him.
"I thought of you every day, and I can't remember how many times I found myself writing you a letter." His voice broke her from the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through her mind. She looked up at him, feeling her shoulders tremble.
"Then why didn't you send them?" she said in a whisper. His eyes darkened.
"I was too scared to."
Her brow furrowed. "Scared of what?"
"Of what you would say. I was afraid to see your handwriting again because I knew it would make me want to return to you. But - but I wasn't ready to face everything I left behind, even though I wanted to." She knew he was telling the truth as much as she knew the scar across her stomach and back would never fade.
"I would have told you to come back. I would have said that I missed you and wanted you so badly that it made my heart ache. I would have asked why you left and when you would be back. I would have come to find you." Hermione said in a soft voice, staring fiercely at him. Harry's eyes were turned to the ground, his shoulders stiff and tensed.
When he looked up, it was with a look so uncertain and fearful she was briefly taken back. "And now?" he said in a voice pleading for an answer, good or bad. Hermione shook her head sadly, looking to the ground.
"I don't know. You can't expect me to forgive you, Harry. I may in time, but three years of no letters, no postcards and no you has made me doubt how much you care for me." Hermione said truthfully, not looking up. Something touched her arm and she looked up into Harry's shining eyes. She went to step away but he shook his head and reached for her hand. His fingers found the ring still at home on her right hand, and he touched it lightly. Then he fiddled with his own hand and pulled off an identical ring.
"If the amount of love I felt and feel for you has ever dropped, why would I still keep this ring on my finger?" he looked up, and held out his hand, the silver ring glittering in the light. Her eyes misted with tears as Harry smiled softly, stepping back to give her room. "Friends forever and always." He said the words of the inscription with so much truth and ease that Hermione felt overwhelmed.
The room swum around her and she swayed unsteadily on the spot. Harry's small smile dropped and he hurried forward to grasp her arm. She stepped back against the wall, shaking her head furiously, which only caused the dizziness to worsen.
"Hermione? Are you okay?" Harry asked, concern etched all over his handsome face. Hermione's nod turned into a shake and she stumbled away from him.
"I - need - air -" she stammered, clutching at her chest as she hurried to the front door, not bothering to put a coat or shoes on to shield against the cold. A gust of snow and wind sped in from the outside as Hermione tripped out the door, hearing Harry hurrying after her. She sped up, almost slipping down the icy steps and onto the cobbled path. "No! I want to be alone!" she shouted desperately back at him. Harry looked after her as she pushed through the gate and down the street, the snow falling softly around.
He didn't follow which she was deeply thankful for. Everything had gotten too much. Three days ago, she had been discussing her book with Daniel Moore, wondering if she would ever meet the Boy-Who-Lived again. And now...now he was back and stirring old memories and feelings she thought lost with the Hogwarts Express. She walked hastily down the street, and around the corner, exiting Rosebud Lane. When she turned into the main street, only then did she slow into a walk.
Her thoughts whipped through her head just like the wind along the street. The snowflakes stuck in her hair and face, melting down her streets to mingle with her salty tears. Her eyes were red and puffy from so many hours of crying away her pain, only leaving her emotions frazzled as much as her hair. She knew she looked a wreck, but at the moment she didn't have enough energy to care. Luckily though, the streets were bare, none wanting to step into the freezing cold.
Hermione walked the streets not knowing or even caring where her feet took her. Her mind was on Harry and Harry alone. She had so many mixed feelings over him that it left no room to think of anything else.
She was confused at why he was back after so long. She had been so shocked at seeing him the day before and so angry that morning, that she hadn't thought to ask him why he was actually back. Now that she thought about it, it was a little strange. Was it a coincidence that he turned up just after her book was published? Or was her book the reason he had returned?
Those thoughts spun around her head, leaving her confused and even more alone.
Also, the fact that he was back, brought even more unwanted emotions tumbling through her already full head. What should she do? Should she forgive him and forget his three year absence? Or should she acknowledge his return and gradually forgive him? The second sounded better to her ears; she didn't think she could forget about what he did, how lonely and unwanted he made her feel. She unconsciously twirled the ring on her finger, spinning around on the corner and walking back the way she had just came.
Yes. That was what she would do. She would recognize that he was back, albeit not forgetting certain facts, and she would slowly forgive him and hope the gaping hole in her heart would heal, as it had already started doing.
Even though she hated him for leaving her alone, she loved him for just being him. For being Harry. So many things had changed from their school days, some for the worse and some for the better.
And some things hadn't changed at all.
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- Disclaimer -
I do not own Harry Potter and never will.
Hey.
So, here's the next chapter, though I didn't have Hermione punching Harry as I had planned. Damn. LOL. But she didn't want to and we argued for a while before she won (you know how bossy she can be)! Hehe. I wrote all this today; I thank you, thank you.
Guess what?!?!?!
MY CREATIVITY IS BACK!
And that means I'm going to write a chapter for Shattered Memories. So I will talk to you again there. Okay...hmmm.............. I've decided to keep Hermione's return with Harry separate to that of Ron and the Weasley's meeting Harry. So they will be separate stories. That means this story will only have a few more chapters, maybe three or something. But the sequel/second part shouldn't be out too long after, maybe a week at the most.
I think this chapter was a little longer from the last. I had planned to make this much longer but decided that was a good ending. It was meant to mean that Hermione's love for Harry hadn't changed over all the years, even if most other things had, if anyone didn't realize. ;)
Please review and all that and thanks to everyone who has so far. I hope this chapter didn't disappoint!
Later Days...
DW
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