Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter 25: Reunion

James Potter turned to his son, sitting beside him in front of the now extinguished fireplace and noted the grim, foreboding look on his face. Truth be told, he felt exactly the same way.

"You ready then?" asked James quietly.

Harry shifted rigidly in his seat; cold prickles of nervousness shooting down his spine. His eyes stayed glued to the floo. "Doesn't matter. He needs to know."

James nodded in agreement and stood, stepping close to the hearth. He pulled up what Harry realised was a fake plant from a flowerpot near him and reached inside, grabbing a small palmful of what looked like lime-green ash. After replacing the false plant, he tossed the substance into the fire and watched as a wall of green flames suddenly whooshed up to lick the insides of the fireplace.

"Number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London."

As Lupin stuck his head in the flames and felt the familiar nauseating sensation of his head being screwed off like a top, he opened his eyes to finally find himself staring at the sparse unkempt living room of Sirius Black.

Back on the other side, his eyes planted firmly on the lower torso of his father, Harry wrung his hands in nervousness.

James took a few moments to let the vertigo pass, and then called out quietly. "Padfoot…"

No answer. "Padfoot!" Lupin called, his eyes scanning the room as far as his vision could take him. "Sirius, are you there mate?"

A rushed thumping sound came from somewhere toward his left, and Lupin finally saw Sirius Black rush round the fireplace and throw himself haphazardly on the carpet in front of the fire, his eyes at once scanning the face of his friend.

"Remus! Where've you been!? It's been months since we last spoke, why haven't you…Hang on…is it Harry? What's happened…"

Remus quickly shook his head and steeled himself, fighting down the small surge of jealousy that stung him at the paternal sound in his friend's voice. Sirius, though looking pale from all the months of being cooped up inside, looked no worse for the wear. His long, unkempt hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, and a few days worth of stubble roughened his cheeks. He looked as if he'd been taking better care of himself. He'd filled out more, and the haunted look that had once been a permanent feature on his face seemed to be slowly disappearing. Inwardly, James felt a bit of relief wash over him. The last thing Sirius needed was to be in poor health for what was in store.

"No, no. Calm yourself, Sirius. Harry's fine…In fact, he's here with me now."

Sirius narrowed his brown eyes and moved to perch himself rigidly on the edge of his couch. "There with you…and where exactly might that be?"

"Hogwarts."

He started. "Hogwarts!? What in Merlin's name are you doing there? And for that matter, what're you doing flooing me from there unless something's happened!?"

Just from watching the lower half of his father's body, Harry could see the nerves stiffening his spine. Lupin's torso shifted uncomfortably and for the life of him, Harry wished he could hear the conversation on the other side. Just hurry up for the love of god…get him over here…

"Dumbledore's offered me the teaching position over the Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts class," replied Remus as he steadied his voice. "Along with extra classes for Harry in particular."

"Advanced DADA?" said Sirius surprised. "That's a new one, I take it. And extra classes for what?"

Lupin paused, feeling out his next words. "Well, I've…been schooling him in a bit of…a bit of fencing."

Once again Sirius frowned in confusion, but an ironic smirk twisted the corners of his mouth. "Fencing aye? I'm surprised Dumbledore chose you as his teacher, no offence, mate. You never were that steady with the sword, were you? That was always James' strong suit. Took after his father, I reckon."

Lupin paled. "Yes..er well…suffice it to say I'm glad I've gotten better at it. With what's been happening round here, Harry might very soon have need of it."

At the last sentence, Sirius stood up so swiftly that the small coffee table in front of him almost toppled over. He reached behind him to grab his wand out from his back pocket. "With what's been happening!? What'd you mean!? Does this have to do with Harry!?

"Harry…among others," said Lupin quietly after a small pause.

"And why, might I ask, is this the first I've heard of it?" Sirius hissed angrily. "We bloody well did promise we'd keep the other informed if one of us got any news, didn't we!? Or was that some other two wizards I'm getting us confused with!?"

"I'm here telling you now, aren't I?" said Lupin quickly.

"And yet for some reason I get the feeling you've waited to get in contact with me. In fact, I get the distinct feeling you've been trying to avoid me for some months now," said Sirius with a hard, sardonic edge to his voice. "In case you've missed it Remus, I'm his bloody godfather, for shitsake! I more than anyone else am entitled to know what's going on with Harry!"

"More than anyone else!?" James suddenly blurted out angrily through his teeth. "You're not even his fa…" But he stopped himself before what he had to divulge came out in a much different way than he'd intended.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot. I'm sorry." James shook the brown hair from Remus' eyes frustratedly. "Look old friend, I've had a talk with Dumbledore. He's agreed so long as you stay in my room and don't leave it, you can come to visit Harry and I whenever you like. I really think now would be a good time. We…I mean I have things to discuss with you."

Sirius glanced down to the floor angrily and leaned forward on his knees. "Brilliant. So he's agreed to allow me to transfer occasionally from one prison to another, is that it? How generous of him."

"You're not wanting back into Azkaban, are you?" asked Remus harshly. "Because the way I see it until the Ministry clears you; if anyone other than Dumbledore, the Order, or Harry and his two friends sees you that's exactly where you're headed."

Sirius eyed him angrily for a few moments but wisely decided not to answer, knowing full well the truthfulness of his friend's words. He finally stood. "And where am I headed now?"

"You have floo powder?" asked Remus shortly.

Sirius favoured him with a curt half-nod. "Ironically, yes I do."

"Good. Room number one twenty one, Hogwarts. We'll see you in a few." And Remus Lupin's head disappeared from the floo.

Harry leaned forward on his knees, nervously bouncing his leg up and down; his hands clasped white-knuckled before him. As his father finally, mercifully pulled his head back from the fire and stood upright swiping ash from his face, Harry immediately noticed the look of frustration. He quickly jumped to his feet.

"Well?" said Harry anxiously.

"He'll be here in a few moments," said Lupin as he moved his chair away from the hearth and motioned for Harry to do the same.

As he did so and stood back, Harry's heartbeat began to pound out wave after wave of dread and he nervously clawed a hand through his hair. His eyes stayed glued on the hearth as they had been moments before. For some reason, he felt more nervous for Sirius than he had for himself the night he sat facing Dumbledore and Lupin, knowing they had kept some earth-shattering secret from him they were about to divulge. He guessed knowing how it had effected him made it almost unbearable for him to watch the same happen to Sirius. He felt though, that the impact for Sirius might somehow be even more intense than it had been for himself.

Sirius had known Remus Lupin as long as he had known James Potter. Not only would he soon be shocked with the knowledge that his best friend was still alive, but he would also have to deal with the fact that for all these years, he hadn't been sharing a relationship with Remus Lupin at all. That in fact, his friend was dead, and had been for the past sixteen years.

Harry shifted nervously from one foot to the other and jammed his hands in the pockets of his robes; all thoughts of what he'd previously come to discuss with Lupin banished from his mind. Once again he fought the desire to run back to Hermione and seal their portrait door shut to the world. He immediately felt selfish, but it was hard to suppress the urge to return to where he felt safest and most normal. After sixteen years of never having a loving haven to retreat to, it was hard for Harry not to wish he was there most of the time. He sighed out loud, and Lupin glanced at him.

"You don't have to be here for this Harry," he said quietly.

Harry instantly had to push down the outraged response that leapt to his mind. No…he just doesn't understand, that's all…he doesn't understand… "Yes I do. I have to be here for Sirius. You can understand that, can't you?"

"Yes I can…" Lupin gazed over at his son without resentment, but swallowed down the lump that seemed nowadays to reside permanently in his throat. "And I will, Harry. I'm proud of you son. No matter what, I'm proud of you."

Harry blinked a few times, obviously surprised at the response he'd just gotten. Those simple words of acceptance from James over Harry and Sirius' relationship did more for Harry towards his father than anything else before combined. He only had the willpower at the moment to nod gratefully at him.

A great whoosh sounded in the fireplace, and a gusty cloud of ash preceded Sirius Black as he landed unsteadily on his feet in the hearth and stepped out, his eyes immediately falling on his godson and Lupin. He cleaned the mess and himself with a flick of his wand.

A genuine grin split his face, and it seemed to Harry as if it'd been a long time since he'd last seen that expression on him.

"Harry," Sirius walked over to him and gave him a swift hug.. "It's good to see you."

Harry felt himself grinning back despite the situation. "You too."

Sirius nodded cordially to Lupin, missing the fact that for a moment, he'd looked away from the two.

"Good to see you again," said Lupin, walking over to the two to shake his friend's hand.

"You too Moony," replied Black, finally moving to seat himself at one of the three chairs surrounding the small dining table near the kitchen. As he sat, he took a brief moment to eye his friend's surroundings. "Not bad…not bad at all."

Lupin nodded his agreement, and he and Harry took chairs at the table as well. Sirius eyed the two as they sat, making note of the fact that both men, the younger and the older, seemed a bit strained, at best. His suspicions began to rise even more.

"Butterbeer?" asked Lupin as he made to rise from the table as soon as he'd sat.

Sirius raised a hand and spoke up sternly. "No, thank you, Remus. But what I would like is an explanation. Being holed up in the old estate I don't get a lot of information but from what you've said it's obvious Voldemort's been showing himself again. Whatever's been going on here, I want a part of it. I'm entitled to it, I think."

"No!" Harry barked out. He turned to him directly, instantly frightened at the thought that Sirius might do something to get himself caught. "There's nothing you or anyone else can do right now. We don't know where he is or what he's planning as of yet."

Lupin watched Sirius eye them furtively, and decided to move ahead with the issue of Voldemort first. "I reckon you've heard about the Dementors defecting…"

Sirius nodded. "Thankfully Dumbledore floo's me the Prophet daily; too risky with owls. He at least understands I need to keep up with the news. Of course my first thought was to contact you, but I didn't know where you'd gotten to, did I?"

"There is a reason," said Lupin quietly, leaning forward to place his weight on his elbows. Harry shot him a look.

"I'm listening," said Sirius with a slight raise of his eyebrow.

"I've had something I've needed to tell you for a long time," said Lupin, glancing down as he clawed a hand through his hair. Upon seeing this, Sirius squinted closely at him, a feeling of familiarity ticking in his mind. Without really thinking about it, his gaze turned toward Harry who so resembled his late father. Odd, he'd never noticed Moony with that habit…

Lupin seemed to stiffen and decided it would be best to get all other business out of the way first. "I think first we should let you in on what's been going on here. Harry, I'll let you start."

Harry shared a slight nod with his father, and Sirius felt himself getting angry at the cloak and dagger game his godson and Remus seemed to be playing. "I don' t know what the bloody hell's going on here, but one of you had better tell me something, now."

Harry turned to his godfather and instantly affected a relaxed posture. "Sorry Sirius. Things have been strange for a while. Believe it or not, it goes all the way back to this past summer at the Dursley's. Started rather oddly with a nightmare…"

And for the next couple of hours, Harry explained everything that had happened to him, Hermione and Ron, from the day he met them in Diagon Alley up to last night, when they'd been able, with the help of the sorting hat's song from fifth year, to figure out some of the cryptic message Trelawny had divined. Lupin interjected some when he could, from when he'd gotten there, to when he was able to add insight, being careful for the moment to leave out certain things. And the thick tension in the room dwindled to a slight unease for the time being.

"So, I reckon Trelawny's not quite the batty old crackpot we always took her for," said Sirius in all earnestness.

"Seems that way," said Remus as he massaged his temples.

"But about the old prediction she made involving you and Voldemort," said Sirius as he turned toward Harry and placed a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Harry, I want you to know, I don't give a damn if Merlin himself comes back and tells you to face him alone. It's never going to happen, you hear me?. You will never be alone in your fight with him. Remus and I, along with the rest of the Order member will be right along side you, fighting to the end."

Harry paused for a moment, the heavy burden sinking its claws into his flesh with an icy numbness once more. "I know that's what you'd like to happen; but Sirius, in reality, I think it'll turn out exactly as Trelawny said."

"We decide the future Harry, not the other way round," said Sirius, stubbornly setting his jaw. James recognised the expression on his face and knew it would do no good for Harry to further argue with him.

To Harry's surprise, although he shouldn't have been, James agreed with Sirius. "He's right. You won't be alone Harry. Neither of us would ever let you, and for that matter, I don't believe Ron or Hermione would ever permit it, either. Do you?"

Harry clasped his hands in front of him and chose not to answer. The question had never been would there be those out there willing to sacrifice for him. The question had been, when it came down to it, would he allow them too? Harry had been grappling with the same torturous thought night after night in his nightmares. He would wake, drenched in sweat, his heart hammering so hard in his chest that he was sure it would soon wake Hermione, nestled so close to him. He could still see them in his mind's eye even now, Ron, Hermione, Sirius, his father, all laid out on the ground before a grinning Voldemort, eyes dead and unseeing, but plastered on Harry all the same. And the forgiveness he would read in their expressions…We would do it all over again for you in a second, Harry… But in the mirror of his mind, accusation and hatred would stare back at him forever.

"Harry," repeated Sirius, louder this time. Harry's attention snapped back to the present.

"You all right, son?" Lupin, concerned for him, had barely noted what he'd just said. Instantly, Harry shot him a panicked look, and his father realised what he'd done. jealous

Sirius looked more angry that he did confused and turned a resentful gaze on Lupin. "And when exactly, did you start calling him that?"

Harry felt the blood draining from his face, and could see that his father was equally as pale. But the gaze James shot him translated in his mind immediately. It's time he knows… And Harry nodded to his father, watching him slowly take a seat and turn his attention back to his old friend.

Sirius' gaze shot between Lupin and Harry, and he suddenly, angrily slammed a fist down onto the table. "All right. Just what the bloody hell is going on? I've let the secret glances and the strange behaviour go on all night! It's obvious you've been keeping something from me and I want the right truth now, damn it!"

"Calm down Sirius," said Lupin quietly, his gaze directed at the tabletop as he folded his hands in front of him. "I've been planning on telling you all along as I said before. I just wanted you to understand what's been going on round here first."

"And I appreciate it," replied Sirius impatiently, fixing the other two with a piercing stare. "But now I want to know what the bloody hell's got you two acting so strange. Let's hear it."

He looked from Remus to Harry, and the expressions of dread on their faces did nothing to alleviate the already growing panic fluttering in his chest. Remus, for his part, looked absolutely terrible; his eyes red and swimming with tears. And Harry looked as if he'd rather be anywhere else at the moment.

Lupin spoke up. "I…I don't really know of a way to explain it to you, except to try telling you the same way I told Harry. What happened that night should never have occurred in the first place, but on retrospect, I don't imagine anything would've changed…"

Sirius' flustered gaze drifted to Harry who had slumped dejectedly in his seat, utterly silent except for the deep breaths he seemed to be taking. The young man seemed unable to meet his eyes. He turned back to Lupin.

"What night? What're you on about, mate?"

Lupin swallowed harshly and his voice broke as he continued. "The night Voldemort attacked. The night Lily and J…James were killed."

Sirius eyed him sharply. "Wh…I don't understand. Moony, we've been through this thousands of times since then…"

"Let me finish," Lupin croaked out.

Sirius saw Harry hadn't moved an inch, and he felt a cold dread building in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong here…something was very wrong… What don't I know…What…

"Sirius…on the n..night…a few hours before Voldemort attacked James and Lily, Re…I was there in Godric's hollow…at the cottage with them."

Sirius glared openly at him, clearly in shock. "What'd you mean you were there!? That doesn't make any bloody sense! If you were there how in the hell did you survive!? And WHY THE HELL AM I JUST HEARING OF THIS!? This doesn't make sense…this doesn't make a bit of bloody sense…" He stood and began pacing the floor, once again noticing that Harry continued to stare blankly at the table in front of him.

Lupin went on, his grief-stricken voice taking on an almost monotone quality, as if he'd been preparing the speech for years… "Rem…James and…We'd been having a discussion on how we both felt Wormtail had been acting suspicious. James felt that he wanted to confront him…"

"James wanted to confront him!?" said Sirius whirling around to stare at Lupin. "I didn't even know he'd had time to suspect him before Voldemort attacked."

Lupin nodded his head jerkily. "He did. Re…I..didn't want James going off to find him, but…but he bloody insisted. I guess in retrospect it made sense of course. Since I wasn't Lily and James' secret keeper, I couldn't really question Peter on it, could I?"

Sirius sat down slowly, absorbed again, as he had been so many times before, in the details of the night Lily and James Potter died. A fresh wave of pain rose in him sharper than it had in a very long time, and he felt as if the scab was being peeled back from an old wound that had even as of yet not properly healed.

He watched Remus face contort with grief the same as it had so many times before on the same subject, but this time, something was different…something in the way he looked; his face, the way he held himself…

Something nagged at the back recesses of Sirius Black's mind, something that seemed long forgotten, but at the same time, just recently misplaced in his mind, as if the answer was just on the tip of his tongue, ready to spring back to remembrance at any second…

"So…" continued Lupin tremulously, now more shaken than Sirius had ever seen him. "You know…remember how stubborn James was to a bloody fault."

Sirius nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "He was that."

"I couldn't dissuade him, no matter how hard I tried. James decided then and there, that he was the only one to confront Peter."

Sirius frowned. "But how could James have confronted Peter with his own suspicions? Besides that fact, Prongs was never very sympathetic to Peter, was he? How in the hell did he think he was going to get anything from him?"

Lupin turned haunted eyes to his friend, eyes that could've spoken volumes without a single word. "He didn't…that's why he chose Remus."

Sirius set his jaw and stared at Remus Lupin as if he were completely cracked. "You've bloody lost me."

"W…we…we decided the only way to get Peter to open up, was to have James confront Peter…as Remus."

Sirius stiffened, his heart for some reason now jack-hammering against his chest, leaving him breathless. He felt himself leaning away from Lupin; the nagging in his brain now practically screaming at him to remember…remember something…

Lupin gripped the table as the weight of his final confession dropped from his shoulders, and simultaneously sent a shock wave of fear rippling down his body. It was too late to take it back now, and even if he could, he wouldn't. He owed the truth to Sirius, and now that he was finally able to give it to him, he wasn't going to slink away from it. He felt Harry's eyes now boring into him, and somehow found the strength to continue.

"James and Remus decided to perform a switching spell, Padfoot. But while Ja…J…I was gone,," he finally spat out, "Voldemort attacked."

Sirius stood and began to back away from the table, clutching his wand, suddenly terrified of the tears that were streaming down Remus Lupin's face…a face that suddenly seemed wrong, out of place…

"Remus and Lily died that night, Sirius…my old friend. And when I returned, I found my son as the only survivor."

Harry stood shakily, prepared to move toward Sirius, but a look from James told him to stay where he was.

"Y…You're a liar," breathed Sirius hoarsely, backing toward the floo with his wand outstretched. "You're a bloody frickin' liar, and I can't for the life of me figure out why…"

He didn't even know what he was going to do with the wand, except for the immediate thought that the two people sitting in front of him weren't who they said they were. Perhaps they'd both taken a Polyjuice Potion, perhaps both Remus and Harry were lying somewhere around Hogwarts, attacked, dead…maybe horribly injured…

"Sirius," said Remus, moving just slightly toward him and holding up both hands to show he was defenceless. "Look at me, mate. Listen to me…Remember all the times you helped Lily and I sneak from the common room late at night, under Moony's prefect nose? Remember how you distracted Philomena Hirum, the pretty brunette prefect along with Remus in sixth year?"

"Anyone could know that," hissed Sirius almost hysterically, raising his wand to ward James from coming any further. "Anyone who went to school with us could've found that out…"

"What about my parents? Thaddeus and Augusta Potter…how they took you in that final time you ran away from your mum? How you and I were practically brothers from then on, do you remember Padfoot? Do you remember how we used to sneak out during the summers and catch the Knight Bus over to Moony's house, where he and Wormtail were waiting? How we four used to tromp about town till all hours of the night and sneak back in the window just in time?"

Sirius began vehemently shaking his head, his eyes wide and confused, and the colour seemed to be draining from his face. "Easy facts to find out…anyone…anyone who really wanted to could've found that out…"

"Sirius he's telling the truth," said Harry quietly. "Please believe him. I've come to accept it too."

"Shut up! Shut the hell up, both of you!" screamed Sirius, raising his wand toward them both. Harry instantly raised his hands as well. "Who are you!?" hissed Sirius. "I don't know why the bloody hell you'd want to do something like this…"

"This isn't a prank," said James quietly.

"I'LL SAY IT BLOODY WELL ISN'T!" bellowed Sirius dangerously, raising his wand at both James and Harry's eye level. "Now, either you start telling the truth, or I'll stun the both of you and force veritaserum down your throats…"

Lupin raised his hands and made as if to move forward once again.

"If you don't want to be thrown across this room and slammed into a wall, I suggest you keep still," growled Sirius menacingly.

Lupin slowed his movements dramatically. "Wait Sirius, just listen to me. There's one time I can tell you, no one else could possibly know. Do you remember, the night we decided to let Peter be secret keeper rather than you? We had to obliviate the information from your mind so you'd never be forced to tell anyone what you knew. Do you remember what we did after, though Padfoot? So that we'd always have a permanent reminder of our friendship? Of the fact that I would still trust you with my life, and the life of my family?"

Sirius blinked rapidly at the two before him.

"We cut our hands, remember mate? We cut our hands and shook on it. Brothers by friendship, brothers by fortune, brothers by blood…Even though this body doesn't bear the scar of that night, I still remember. I know you do as well."

Sirius felt his knees buckling under him and grabbed at the mantle for support. He turned his right hand over to examine the faded old scar, and the blurred pictures behind it suddenly came into focus. It was then that he was finally able to study the faces up close. Pictures of James and Lily, their wedding…James, Lily and baby Harry…intimate moments of their short lives together; pictures only James Potter would have…

Remus nodded sadly to him when Sirius turned stunned, overwhelmed eyes back toward him. "Happier times, weren't they mate?"

"He's telling the truth," said Harry quietly, his eyes swimming with tears. "I wasn't there for all of that, I know. But Dumbledore'll confirm it for you, Sirius."

Sirius just continued to shake his head, feeling as if he was trapped in some nightmare he couldn't wake from, as if every moment of the past sixteen years were some horrible dream as well, that he might suddenly wake from it at any moment and have to face the fact that those past sixteen years had never really happened at all…

"Let me do something for you," said James suddenly as a thought hit him. "Let me revisit all those times on you, that you almost had me figured out. Let me help you remember all those times I've had to make you forget."

"Wh…what'd you…wh..how…" asked Sirius shakily, eyeing Remus as if he saw him now only through some sort of opaque glass, something that blurred him from reality…

"It's a simple recanting spell," said James reassuredly as he made for his wand. He picked it up, and then set it back down again in front of Sirius. "You see? You can have me in an instant if I'm up to no good."

Sirius merely stared from him to Harry and continued to hold his wand on them both. Something in his mind, the same something that had been nagging at the back of his brain was now telling him to let it happen. Let Remus do it…let him help you remember what it is you've forgotten…what you've possibly been made to forget…

And James raised his wand. "Commemini Oblivium."

Blue energy flowed forth from James Potter's wand, and suddenly, snatches of countless blank areas of Sirius Black's memory began to fill with images. Minutes of his life that had been unaccounted for suddenly rushed back into his thoughts like the pounding of ocean waves, one after the other, and Harry, from the other side of the room could almost see the recognition forming in Sirius' eyes.

Flashes filled the small voids of his memory; a laugh that seemed out of place, countless gestures that seemed all too familiar on the wrong person. Careless bits of knowledge accidentally given, information that shouldn't have been known, the way Remus rode his broom, unlike the careful steady Lupin Sirius knew, and all too similar to the recklessness of James Potter. Simple conversations that seemed to easy and carefree; too familiar; too unlike the serious Remus of old…and suddenly, a time when Sirius had almost confronted Remus with the truth…the truth he'd found staring him in the face as he'd picked up and accidentally read the first of a series of lines from Lupin's personal journal…

'I don't know how long I can keep up the charade. It kills me not to tell him who I am; kills me every day I think of how I've had to hand my son's emotional well-being over to him, though there's no one else I trust as fully as Padfoot…'

Sirius felt as if he were falling, though he still felt his feet under him. "Oh my god…oh god…J..James…oh my god…"

His face had gone solid white, and alarmed, both James and Harry began to rush forward as one, but Sirius held up both of his hands. "N..no…"

He stumbled backward, ducked into the hearth and ripped up the pot on the floor beside him, grabbing a handful of green powder and tossing the rest aside onto the floor.

"Number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London!" He cried out, and was gone in a flash of green fire.

Suddenly, the room was thrown into silence once again, and James stood lifelessly with Harry beside him, his arms hanging uselessly at his side. He was vaguely aware of the tears streaming down his cheeks, vaguely aware that his son now stood away from him, one hand jammed into the pocket of his robes, the other covering his eyes, tears streaming over the knuckles.

James summoned the strength to continue breathing and sat himself miserably down in a chair. "My god…" he rasped out quietly to himself. "Look what I've done to everyone I love…look what I've done…"

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