Chapter Two: Searching for Something
Two weeks later, I found myself thinking more and more about the exchange I shared with Harry. He had been so close to saying something when Ron reappeared. Could it have been something important?
He had been so solemn. What he had been wanting to say had to be important for him to be so serious.
No. If it was important, Harry would have told you by now. Besides, if he didn't want Ron to hear, how important could it be?
I tried to dismiss it as nothing. But the scene continued to replay itself inside my head, a cinema presentation just for me.
The more I watched, the more I realized how odd my hand felt when he took his own away. My hand was suddenly very cold, very empty, like a flower lacking the warmth of the sun on a shadowy day. It reminded me of how I felt the first time I encountered a Dementor: lonely, without hope of any kind.
When we left each other that day, Ron and Harry were headed back to the Cave; however, I still had errands to run. Outside the Leaky Cauldron, Ron had hugged me good-bye, and then, I'd turned to Harry to receive his usual, friendly hug. But this time, he embraced me more urgently than ever before. It was almost as if he wasn't sure he would be seeing me in the future, as if it was our final good-bye.
I don't know what to make of it. It's been said that I'm the smartest witch of my age, but if I can't figure out what my best friend is trying to say, how smart can I actually be?
* * * *
In the twenty-four months that followed, things became radically different.
I accepted a job at the Ministry of Magic as an international liaison with the Department of International Magical Cooperation. Ron decided to become an Auror, and is now halfway through his training. I'm not sure what made him leave behind his Quidditch dreams, but if I had to guess, I'd say Harry had something to do with it.
As for Harry, he still resides at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, training and living each day the same as he has since he left Hogwarts. A lonely silent life, full of harsh, broken memories and aching, torn muscles. Anyone close to him is a target, a marked magnet for death.
I personally don't mind being a marked magnet.
Truth is, I don't like being away from him. Being out of his sight each day pains me more than I care to admit to anyone other than myself. A searing ache that grows worse with each sunrise. A gaping void in my heart that grows wider with each sunset.
But it is something that Harry wanted.
Before taking my job at the Ministry, I lived with Harry and Ron for a short while. Everything went fine until some Death Eaters showed themselves in close vicinity to headquarters. The next day, a disguised Death Eater began patrolling Grimmauld Place. The one time he was caught unaware, Mad-Eye Moody was killed. Tonks and Lupin were injured. A few days later, Harry kicked both us out.
* * *
"We're staying, Harry, and there's nothing you can do to stop us." Ron had told him when he'd ordered us to leave.
"I don't care if you want to stay. This is my house and I want both of you to leave." Harry had paced before us, continually running his hand through his dark hair. "You're only in danger by staying."
"Honestly, Harry!" I said, throwing my hands up. "What do you think you're accomplishing by sending us away? We're in danger no matter where we go. It doesn't matter if we're here or --"
"In Timbuktu!" Ron interjected. "Hermione's right, mate. Besides, we want to help. We've been training too, you know. We're ready to do battle with You-Know-Who."
Harry shook his head. "Don't you get it, Ron? He doesn't want you or Hermione. He wants me. If you two would go and stay away from me, like I asked you to, you'll be a lot bloody safer."
"We don't care about being safe, Harry!" I cried, reaching forward to stop his insane pacing. I thought that if I looked at him, if I could just make him see, he would understand. "If we cared about being safe, we would never have become your friend! And that's what we are: friends. Friends stick together, even when impossible obstacles block their path."
Arms crossed, but no longer pacing, he didn't see me. It was like I wasn't even in the room. He turned to Ron, his face set in determination. "We've discussed this."
Ron nodded. "But, Harry, I didn't actually think…"
"The time has come." Harry turned back to me, and he cupped my face in his hands. He gently ran his hand along my cheek, his emerald eyes searching my chocolate ones. Leaning forward, he tenderly kissed my forehead before backing up and walking out of the room.
It took a few second for my voice to find me. "What just happened?"
"Harry made me promise to leave when he asked me. He told me one day it would no longer be safe for any one. He told me that I could live with him, but one day, he'd ask me to leave, and I'd have to go away. He said I'd have to respect his wishes."
"How could you promise something like that?" Honestly, what was he thinking? Harry may say he didn't need us, but that was a lie. The three of us are a team; he couldn't actually send us away. "You may have promised, but I certainly didn't."
Ron looked at me, suddenly looking older than his eighteen years. "It's what Harry wants, Hermione."
I shrugged. "So? I don't care. I didn't agree to respect anyone's wishes. I'm not leaving." My voice jumped several decibels. "Did you hear that, Harry? I'm not leaving! I'm not going anywhere. Do you know where I will be tomorrow? Still here!"
* * *
Of course, I wasn't still there.
In the end, Ron had made me leave. I had sat up all night, waiting outside of Harry's locked bedroom door. Ron came and eventually convinced me that our leaving was for the best. I don't know how he did it; I should have never left.
Harry didn't even see us off. The last time that either Ron or I saw him was when he told us to leave. When he left the room, it seemed he just vanished from our lives.
I sent letter after letter, day after day, never receiving anything in return. I had no idea what was happening to him. Was he okay, living just the same as when I left? Was he hurt, injured in some battle unbeknownst to me? Was he alone, without anyone in his life? Was he even still alive?
It's been two years.
And in those two years, I recognized one thing: just how much I love Harry James Potter. Being away from Harry has made me notice things that perhaps I didn't notice when we were together.
I noticed that whenever Harry was mentioned, my heart began to race. I also noticed that while neither Ron nor I breathed when we were unsure of Harry's fate, I always seemed to hold my breath a little longer than Ron held his. Additionally, every night Harry spent in the hospital wing was another night that I went without sleep (and another night I spent crying, thankful that he was not injured worse.) I realized how jealous I became of Cho Chang during our fourth and fifth years, and how happy I was when Harry lost interest in her.
But a lot has changed in two years that Harry shut us out. I'm not the same Hermione Granger he left. My heart doesn't skip a few beats at the name Harry. I'm not the same friend who followed him around everywhere, doing anything and everything he asked. I am different. Everything's different.
Everything's different and most likely, he knows nothing of the changes.
Everyday I think of how we could have done this together. We could have fought together, as one. I would have gladly marched into battle at Harry's side. I know that Ron would have as well.
Instead, Harry chose to fight the ultimate battle alone.
And so, Ron and I were left with only one option: to lead a life without Harry.
It's not been easy. Of course, no one said it would be easy to part from your best friend of more than seven years.
To be honest, I don't know how anyone could easily leave Harry Potter.
I know his parents were murdered by Voldemort. I also know that they are in Harry's life every step of the way, guiding him with often-unseen hands. Wherever he is now, he can't truly be alone. Lily and James Potter are a part of him, with him wherever his travels and battles may take him.
Never far behind James, Sirius is also with him, playing the role of supportive godfather. He's cheering Harry on, giving him the strength to continue on his journey.
I just wish I could be there too.
* * * *
Author's Note: Thanks to all who took the time to read. I loved reading the reviews you left for
me. They really helped to shape up this story a bit more, as I originally wrote it as a three chapter ficlet four
months ago! I hope that I haven't disappointed anyone with this second chapter.
Hooray for the release of book 6! J Happy Christmas!