Even as Harry awoke, he fought to stay asleep.
He knew as soon as he woke up it would come back-the sick, twisting feeling in his stomach, the burning in his throat, the stinging in his eyes.
The truth.
Hermione does not love you.
Harry's eyes fluttered open, half expecting to see Ginny in front of him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this.
She does not love you.
Hermione does not love you.
For a moment, Harry couldn't breathe. All the air seemed to get caught in his lungs until his chest hurt. He rolled on his side, letting out a huge sigh that seemed to echo around the dormitory.
The rest of the boys were long gone. Harry was thankful that they knew enough to leave him alone.
Boys never knew quite what to do in situations like this.
"You're cutting yourself off, Harry. Don't you see? You're pulling away. I know you think you need to, but that's not the way. That's not the way to defeat Voldemort!"
"What the bloody hell would you know about it? Your name wasn't plastered all over some fucking prophecy before you were born! You have no idea what I might have to do to defeat him."
"Live for the moment! Don't you remember any of that? We don't know what's going to happen, we can't predict the future, but we have today… we always have today."
"This isn't about us! This is about me and Voldemort, so stop acting like my life is yours to control!"
"I'm not trying to control you! I need more from you!"
"And I need to be ready!"
Seven years of friendship and it had been the worst fight they'd ever had. The last thing he remembered was leaving her in tears as he'd stormed away.
He thought things were salvageable.
She does not love you.
A sort of panicked despair clung to him and he stared at his dormitory, so very familiar in its shapes, and could barely see it all. Without Hermione's love, he wasn't sure what he had left.
He dragged himself to the window, feeling slow and lethargic. Outside, the grounds were quickly changing to summer. Flowers and green grass dotted the landscape and leaves were breaking out on the trees.
His seventh-year Care of Magical Creatures class was walking back from Hgarid's hut. Ron and Hermione were the last to reach the castle, hanging behind the others and whispering frantically with each other.
Normally, Harry would be with them. The three of them always hung back from the rest of the students, content to remain in their trio. Neville once commented that it was the most maddening thing-trying to break into their friendship.
She's your best friend.
Best friend.
You tried being more-it didn't work out.
No-Harry couldn't go back. The idea of being around Hermione and knowing her feelings didn't run as deep as he once thought left him feeling cold and sick.
If he didn't have to see her, he could pretend.
If didn't have to see her, he could still hope.
***
"Hey, mate."
Ron stood awkwardly in the dormitory, feeling stupid.
This stuff did not fall under his area of expertise.
But he was worried and Hermione was worried and Harry had a tendency to either take off or start yelling when he was upset-so Ron had little choice but to try and talk to him.
"Hi," Harry said. He was sitting on his bed, back leaning against the wall and arms slung around his knees. "What's going on?"
"You, er… skived off all your classes today."
"I know."
"You, uh… coming back tomorrow?"
"Maybe."
"You haven't eaten anything in a while."
"I don't care."
Ron sighed and sat down next to him. "You want to tell me what's going on?"
"No."
"Fine." Ron waited a moment. "Hermione's worried about you."
"I doubt that."
Ron snorted. "What are you? Mental? Worrying about is one of Hermione's favourite things to do-right behind homework, chasing after house elves, and irritating the hell out of me."
Ron waited for a reaction-he didn't get one.
"Harry, what's going on?" Ron paused. "I mean, you had a row… it happens. Hermione and I have been getting in rows since the day we met. Go talk to her-you'll get passed it."
"It's not like that," Harry said. "I can't-I can't see her. You don't understand."
"No, I don't," Ron said. "This isn't like you-hiding out like a coward."
"Go away, Ron."
Ron swallowed. He had no idea what to say. His role when it came to comforting Harry had always been that of distraction. A game of Quidditch, exploding snap, chess. The emotional stuff had always been Hermione's job.
"I can't do it anymore," Harry said, voice a whisper. "Magic. I can't do anything. I tried. But nothing's working. No matter how simple the spell."
Ron sat up straighter. "What?"
"I dunno what's wrong with me," he said. "But I tried earlier… and I can't."
"You can't do magic?"
"Yeah."
"Is it… is it because of the fight you had with Hermione?"
"Sort of," he mumbled. "Ron… if I can't do magic… how can I…"
"Defeat You-Know-Who?"
Harry nodded. "I just can't focus on it… it's like there's nothing there to-to use…" Harry sounded frustrated. "It's hard to explain."
Ron was at a loss. "Maybe we should talk to someone about this, Harry. It's serious, don't you think? Dumbledore… or… or…"
"Hermione?" Harry shook his head. "I don't want to bother her with something this stupid."
"Stupid?"
"I'm sure it's only temporary," Harry said, not sounding like he particularly cared. "It'll come back. And I'll be able to fight Voldemort. Don't worry."
Harry didn't say anything else, just stared ahead with a lost, empty look in his eyes.
To say Ron was disturbed would be putting it mildly.
**
Hermione hated it when she fought with Harry. It rarely happened, but when it did, it was as though they were exploding and unable to control the emotions bursting out of them.
Fighting with Ron she did every day-constantly, without even realizing it. It was normal. It was how they communicated.
Fighting with Harry left her crying and miserable.
Three days.
They hadn't spoken in three days. And today, he hadn't even bothered to go to class.
It worried her. She knew how Harry was. He was hurting. And when he was hurt, he retreated into himself. He pushed others away-while at the same time hating being left alone.
But it had to be something more than their fight. He wouldn't skive off classes and skip meals… not if it had just been a fight. It had to be something more.
She pushed her uneaten dinner off to the side, feeling tears sting her eyes.
She couldn't do it anymore.
She had to see him.
Making that decision made her feel better. That was how she was-she needed direction. She needed a goal, something to shoot for.
She needed Harry.
She'd come to depend on their relationship in ways that caused her physical pain when they were apart. It was the small things she missed, the things that everyone looked for and always failed to see.
The roll of his eyes when Ron descended on a meal like a crazed dog. The slight touch of his hand on her arm when they passed Malfoy in the hall. Him sitting quietly next to her for hours in the library-not speaking, not touching, just being there because she was. His company when she did her Head Girl rounds because he worried when she was alone. The way he'd touch her knee or brush his hand over her hair when they were doing homework-small gestures that told her he cared.
Three days.
Three days and she couldn't stand the idea of being without him.
Some part of her had hoped that he'd make the first move towards reconciliation.
But it didn't matter.
It didn't matter if she feared her feelings ran deeper than his. He was still hers.
She was on her way out of the Great Hall when she ran into Ginny.
"Hermione!" she said. "You're exactly who I wanted to talk to!"
"Oh, hi, Ginny." Hermione fought impatience. "I'm sorry, can we talk later? I-I have to do something important."
"Er… I guess… I just, I wanted to see how you were doing." Ginny peered into her face anxiously. "Especially after we talked… you must be feeling awful. I can't believe Harry's purposely avoiding you… it's such an insult to your relationship."
Hermione stared. "He's… Harry's avoiding me?"
Ginny looked horrified. "Oh… you thought… you thought it was because he was-"
"Hurting," Hermione whispered. "I didn't… he doesn't want to see me?"
"Oh, Hermione," Ginny moaned, eyes wide. "After what you told me the other day, I just thought…. Oh, I thought you knew. I can't even imagine what this must be like. After suspecting that he didn't hold the same feelings you did-Hermione, I'm sorry."
For a moment, Hermione felt as though the floor had been pulled out from under her. Here it was-her greatest fear.
Harry could never love her the way she loved him.
She'd worried over it for years. She'd agonized over it during his crush on Cho Chang, during years that he'd never shown any kind of feelings for her beyond friendship. She felt it everyone time she looked in the mirror and a bushy haired, bookworm stared back at her. Why would Harry want her when he could have so many girls? Girls who were prettier and more athletic and…
No.
Hermione clamped down on her self-doubts, pushing them to the furthest corner of her mind where they belonged.
She wouldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it until she looked into Harry's eyes and she heard him reject her.
Hopeful, her mind whispered. Thinking with your heart.
But she had no reason to believe Harry didn't want her.
Not when his actions over the last year told her over and over that he cared for her.
That he loved her.
"You must be so upset right now," Ginny said. Hermione's eyes snapped to the girl in front of her-she'd completely forgotten Ginny was still there. "I can't believe he let you think for so long he-no, I shouldn't say it. I… can I get you something? I'm here for you, Hermione. If you need me, I'm here."
Hermione forced herself to swallow past the hurt. Strong. She was strong.
"I think I should go talk to him."
"No!" Ginny said. "No. He doesn't want to see you. Trust me. Stay away."
"I-"
"Hermione!"
Ron skidded to a halt in front of her, looking pale.
"Ron… goodness… what's going on?"
"It's Harry," he said, agitated. "I dunno what you did to him, but he's in bad shape. For the love of Merlin, go talk to him. I know you're both right stubborn when you put your minds to it, but he needs you-"
Hermione didn't listen to the rest.
She was already on her way.