Part Four
Catching up to him, she took a hold of his sleeve and said quietly, "Harry… we need to talk."
Harry sighed. "Listen, Hermione, really, we don't need to."
Hermione scowled. "I think we do, Harry. We have to set things straight."
What use was there to fight it? So Harry reluctantly let Hermione drag him up to the Astronomy Tower for some privacy.
She led him so that they could lean against the railing side by side and look into the dazzling twilight.
"I want to apologize, first off," she said quietly when neither would speak. "I wanted… I wanted to tell you everything in person… but I never stopped to consider how it would make you feel if I didn't just… just answer you and at least tell you I wanted to talk face to face." She sighed. "I'm sorry."
Harry sighed and shook his head. "It's rather stupid of me to be angry with you for that," he said, "even though I was. I mean, I did nothing but ignore your and Ron's letters for two months. So you ignored one of mine? It's fair."
"Love isn't about fair, though," she whispered into the night. He was silent for a moment, not knowing what to say, desperately trying not to get his hopes up.
"I love your letter," she finally said again. "It was… it is the most beautiful thing-letter
or no-that I've ever gotten." She nudged him playfully. "And to think, last year you were coming to Ron
and me for love advice when it came to Cho Chang."
Harry laughed slightly, although it was quite inappropriate for the situation. "Everything I would do for Cho pales in comparison to what I would do for you, Hermione."
She flushed a little, pleasantly surprised. The two fell silent once again-there was never a need for incessant chatting between them-and just watched the stars come out and the sky turn into dusk.
"I suppose we're dancing around the real subject at hand," she whispered. "Shall I start from the beginning?"
Harry nodded.
"When I first got your letter," she began slowly, as if picking her words very carefully, "I was in shock. You, love me? How? When? Why?" She laughed bitterly. "I wanted to research love-document and analyze it like it was one of Snape's potions. I suppose that the logic that I'm known for is my downfall when it comes to love." She shook her head. "But love-love is like magic. It can't be explained, it can't analyzed. It's just-just something that, without it, life really wouldn't be worth living." She sighed. "But I'm getting off topic, aren't I?
"I was a bit in denial, at first. What if… what if you only thought you loved me? We're only sixteen-well, fifteen for me-how do you know it's not just some passing fancy?"
"It's not!" Harry broke in, protesting. "I know I love you-it's as sure and real as the fact that my name's Harry Potter!"
Hermione smiled gently, patiently at him before continuing. "I couldn't be sure, though. You know me, Harry-I always question things.
"I questioned myself on many things that day I got your letter-but I had to wonder: now that Sirius was gone… what if you only loved me because you needed someone to love?" She broke off, tears shining in her eyes. She turned her head, looking at him. "Do you… do you need me, Harry? Or do you love me?"
He wanted to angrily tell her, "Of course! Haven't I said it enough times? Haven't I proved it to you?" But he remembered, this was Hermione. She questioned everything-and for all of her intelligence and bravery, she had insecurities. She had feelings. She was scared, Harry knew. She really couldn't believe he loved her.
"Both," he answered honestly. "I love you-so, so much-and I need you. Take Sirius out of the entire equation and the answer is still the same: Without you, I would be depressed… most likely dead…" Harry sighed. "Cheesy as it may sound, it's true: without you, there is no me."
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Again, silence fell upon them, and Harry realized that he still didn't know if she loved him or not.
Hermione seemed to sense his growing anxiousness and continued. "Those questions I had to leave unanswered-although I know the answers now-but there was one question I had to answer-one question only I could answer… do I love you?" She wasn't looking at him, but into the distance, into the stars.
"It was rather complicated-for what was love? There were so many variables in this… and I suppose I should tell you something," she looked at him now, just as he had been looking at her. "I-" she sighed. "While I was struggling with myself, I had to be perfectly honest about myself. With everything… and I… I repressed a lot of feelings for you. They were all subconscious emotions, I suppose. After all, what could have possessed me to kiss your cheek after fourth year, or run into your arms during second? What could have possessed me to ride a hippogriff for you, when I couldn't even ride a broom? What could have possessed me to fly on beasts that I couldn't even see?
"Love, perhaps? Yes, it was already clear that I loved you… but what kind of love was it? Platonic, or happily-ever-after love?" Hermione sighed. "So, again, I had to be honest with myself. What did you make me feel? What did I feel because of what you made me feel?
"You make me feel… you make me feel fearless. When I'm around you, I can stand up to people like Malfoy and Pansy. When I'm around you, I can go around riding hippogriffs and battling Death Eaters and look for hidden chambers.
"And yet… you make me feel fearful. I worry about you constantly, and I had to ask myself: why was that? Why was it that I worry more about you than about, Ron for instance?" Harry's ears perked up at this.
"Was it just because you were Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived? Surely, that couldn't be it, for it certainly never mattered to me in any other aspects… Well, perhaps just a smidge. After all, Voldemort is after you." Harry had to squirm uncomfortably at this, remembering the prophecy. Hermione didn't notice, as she had looked away some time before, and continued on.
"Could it be, perhaps, that if anything happened to you, anything fatal, that maybe my life would shatter, more than a smidge? That my heart would break, more than just a little? Could it be, perhaps, what you said: without you, there is no me?
"But I wasn't done yet. That question I had to discontinue, just yet. I needed more puzzle pieces before I could complete that particular puzzle, so to speak.
"Sometimes you look at me, and I think, `Maybe, just for a moment, life is the way it's supposed to be. You're just a boy, and I'm just a girl, Voldemort and Hogwarts be damned.' I feel… I feel safe. I feel complete. I feel like… like I'm home." She laughed a little. "It makes perfect sense. After we leave Platform 9 3/4 for the summer… I feel just a tad empty. Like perhaps I forgot something and I never get it back until I see you again. This happened every summer, you know," she adds. "I always used to wonder over it, but then I'd read one of your letters or look at my photo album with us in it, and then… and then I'd feel a little less empty.
"So if you made me complete, whole… like I'm home, did I need you in my life? Did I love you?
She looked at him, and he knew the words she would say before she spoke them: "I love you Harry…" she smiled tenderly, and continued on, throwing his own words back at him; "I love you, Harry: for everything you are and everything you will be."
He sighed, content. "Do you… do you really?" Oh, if that had been all a dream…
She wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her head into his chest. "More than you'll ever know."
And Harry knew, right then and there, With her by my side, I know I wasn't meant to be alone…
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A/N: And that's everything, folks!
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